Accused of rape/scared lost

[Headwrecked]

I am a 55yr old single male, and I have suffered from depression for a long time. I left my employment in early December through ill health (both mental and physical) I had been applying for jobs but getting nowhere. My friends thought it would "cheer me up" to arrange a date for me with one of their friends, so on Saturday 27/01/18 I went on a date with my house mate and his girlfriend, who then introduced me to her friend (a 43yr old woman) it had been arranged for a few days. We all went out together and had a great night, but the other couple left earlier than us and returned to where we lived. The woman and myself left later and I stopped a taxi, my intention was to drop her off at her home on the way, but this woman told me that she wanted to go back to my place. Once there, I showed her where my bedroom was (as I was going to sleep downstairs on the settee) but she said I didn't have to do that. She fell asleep (fully clothed) on top of the bed, as did I next to her. Maybe an hour later I was woken up by her fumbling around the bedroom in the dark, I asked her what she was doing to which she replied that she needed to go to the toilet. I showed her where it was, when she returned she undressed completely and got into bed, I picked up her clothing (which she threw on the floor) and neatly folded them on top of a cupboard. I also undressed, got into bed and fell asleep, a while later I was woken up by her touching me. We never had full penetrative sex, just a little foreplay (that was initiated by her and she was fully aware of and only involved HER being touched). The couple we had been out with were in the next room and even came into the room to chat to us a couple of times. Next morning the woman ordered a taxi and left (we had even arranged to meet again, because we got on so well together). Later that day I sent her a text thanking her for a good night and stating that I was looking forward to meeting her again, she replied saying that she also enjoyed my company.

On Monday 29/01/18 at 11pm I was awakened by loud banging on the front door, when I answered the door, there were two Policemen who asked for me by name (my immediate thought was it had something to do with my car) they came into my living room and told me that I had been accused of date rape, they then cautioned me. I was in total disbelief, shocked to the core, couldn't understand why this was happening. I (like most people) have never been arrested before, had a few speeding tickets, nothing serious. The Police arrested me and took me to the local Police Station. I was there for 14hrs, during which time I willingly consented to have them take fingerprints and a LOT of DNA samples that were also taken, they also seized my phone. and took my house keys. I was asked throughout my time there if I wanted a solicitor, and every time I was asked I refused (I KNEW I was innocent) I gave a very full account on tape of everything that had happened (which lasted 1 1/2hrs) again without a solicitor present, (apparently this woman told Police that she couldn't remember ANYTHING after leaving the pub). I was put back into a cell and told that I wouldn't be released until the other couple (who were key witnesses) had been interviewed. Later that day, I was released (without charge and without bail conditions) but told I could be re arrested if any new evidence was found (well I couldn't possibly tell them anymore than I had and she stated that she couldn't remember anything, so how was that going to be possible?). When I got home I asked my housemate what had happened with the Police and he told me that he and his partner had not even been contacted by them! Although Police (probably forensics) had been to where I lived and taken away my bedsheets and pillowcases. The following day, my friend's girlfriend took my back to the Police station as she wanted to make a statement and I wanted to get my phone returned. She was told that Police "might" want to speak to her at some time in the future and also told me that I "might" get my phone returned in a few months! I was told a couple of days later that this woman had posted on facebook, she was snowboarding in Scotland with a man stating " having a great time, life is fantastic"!!! This totally screwed my head up and a couple of weeks later I tried to commit suicide (NOT out of guilt or out of shame) but a culmination of things, depression, not having my IPhone (which was my only device to communication for finding work etc) but mostly because of what I had gone through, I was broken, with no prospects of moving on. I am an ex soldier, I have experienced a lot of things in my life but this accusation and the time I had spent in the Police station was the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced (I even told the Detective interviewing me, that I would rather be accused of murder or drug dealing) than being falsely accused of rape. I have heard nothing since then, but want a conclusion to this matter, my fingerprints / DNA destroyed AND my phone returned. I am currently receiving daily visits from Mental health workers, but even they cannot fully understand how deeply an accusation of this magnitude has affected me. I cannot "move on" with my life until I know this matter is finished, I asked Police if this woman can be at least charged with wasting Police time? The answer was "we would need to prove it"??????

[sqounk]

Firstly, relax because you are probably in for a long wait until this is concluded. It doesn't matter how frustrating this is; it won't speed things up so you need to relax into it a bit. Easy to say, I know. You have had a massive shock to the system, so allow yourself time to recover. The fact that the woman is on holiday with another man and reported you for rape is very telling, I think. Make sure you screenshot all of this stuff on social media and collect it as possible evidence. If you are interviewed again - ask for a solicitor - it is not an indication of guilt, but a protection for yourself. Also, I would advise against going back to the police and reporting any (what you consider to be) evidence - this is the stuff you will need for a court case if it comes to that; your argument against the allegation - you don't want to give them your ammunition before you start eh?
Go to the doctor if you feel low - it really is not worth losing your life over. You are stronger than that and you know you are. So, take a breath and give yourself a moment. There are people here who will support you and you are not alone.

[Headwrecked]

Falsely accused of Date Rape

Thanks for your reply squonk, The reason I posted what I did was to see how people thought of my situation from "our side of the fence" and also to highlight the problems and trauma that affect anyone who has been accused! Only someone who has been falsely accused can truly understand how it feels, I am receiving daily visits from mental health workers, (which has helped to a point) but after two weeks of daily visits and meeting up to at least 10 different people, it hasn't helped that I have had to repeat this scenario to everyone of them (which to me has been like visiting the scene of a crash many times over) in itself that has not helped me "move on". As these people all work together I would have thought that they would by now be all on the same page as to what has happened, as it doesn't help me to constantly repeat myself. I have also been attending "Lighthouse" each night (Lighthouse is a group of councillors who have themselves had some form of personal mental health issues) so that has probably helped me more, as they understand the "stigma" of being accused of such a heinous crime. As I had "planned" my own death over a matter of three weeks, (this included leaving my accommodation and getting rid of EVERYTHING I had, even all my clothes, the little money I had and personal effects) I know it will take a bit of time to completely recover from these thoughts (the "nice" thing about when I was suicidal was how it made me feel, I actually felt so calm "accepting" that it was the only thing I had that would stop all of this. Now that I am not thinking about suicide, I know I have to "rebuild" my life in whatever way I can, I am living in a city where I have settled for a year now (that in itself is something new to me, as I have travelled most of my life) which is a good thing and I have made a few good friends (one in particular who not only stopped me from killing myself but also has let me stay with her until I can be rehoused) but this trauma has badly affected my trust in people, my self confidence and self belief. I KNOW it will take a long time to "heal" but I do believe I will. Although the Police handled this situation as well as could be expected (I was told by them that I was most cooperative) I feel that this procedure needs major upheaval (as in the rights of the person accused aswell). The "killer blow" for me was when they seized my phone, they took away my hope of finding work etc. In a case like this why have they kept MY phone and returned this woman's phone to her? Surely they could have taken out the sim card and returned my phone, thus enabling me to "function", also, I understand why they took DNA samples and fingerprints, but once this accusation is proved that I am indeed innocent, will all of this be destroyed? and when?
For a person who was actually raped, I have the greatest empathy and believe that no stone should be left unturned till there is a conclusion, but surely as an "accused person" the same rules apply. In the Army you are guilty till proven innocent and the final outcome of a case is also different (guilty, innocent, but also "admonished" found guilty but not fined or imprisoned but you have the decision recorded) Surely in the case of someone falsely accusing another admonishment could be applied? I myself and others who know about my situation all agree that this woman MUST be known to the Police or believe that she has done this kind of thing before, yet when I asked the Police this I was told "no comment" (surely that is the "right" awarded to the accused NOT the Police?). I now look forward, but to do this I need to know that somehow this woman cannot be able to do this again to someone else. I am not angry about it all (I'm too weak and confused to be angry) but unless this woman has her own mental health issues or is just a sociopath, it's just not justifiable for her to be allowed to do this without some form of prosecution herself? As for he displaying photos on Facebook etc I was told by a friend that this woman deleted everything the same day (which to me is another indication of her guilt) I KNOW I will never be charged with this offence, as I spoke the truth about everything that happened, I also have two VITAL witnesses that will never have their statements taken, so the Police cannot obviously be taking this accusation seriously! I even admitted something to the Police that I had never told ANYONE before (because of a "botched" operation on a prolapsed disc I had removed from my back in 2003) I have been left with nerve damage from the waist down, which in turn had made me impotent since then (this in itself is a VERY difficult thing for a man to have to admit to) but as I told Police if there was ANYTHING I thought was prevalent to the accusation, I would tell them. For this woman to LIE (saying she did not remember anything, is far too easy a thing to do in my opinion) surely there should be some procedure to procure the TRUTH from her! (if they can use a lie detector on a show as pathetic as "Jeremy Kyle") this could / should be used in a case as sever as date rape?

[Headwrecked]

[A sword has TWO edges]
Thanks for your reply squonk, The reason I posted what I did was to see how people thought of my situation from "our side of the fence" and also to highlight the problems and trauma that affect anyone who has been accused! Only someone who has been falsely accused can truly understand how it feels, I am receiving daily visits from mental health workers, (which has helped to a point) but after two weeks of daily visits and meeting up to at least 10 different people, it hasn't helped that I have had to repeat this scenario to everyone of them (which to me has been like visiting the scene of a crash many times over) in itself that has not helped me "move on". As these people all work together I would have thought that they would by now be all on the same page as to what has happened, as it doesn't help me to constantly repeat myself. I have also been attending "Lighthouse" each night (Lighthouse is a group of councillors who have themselves had some form of personal mental health issues) so that has probably helped me more, as they understand the "stigma" of being accused of such a heinous crime. As I had "planned" my own death over a matter of three weeks, (this included leaving my accommodation and getting rid of EVERYTHING I had, even all my clothes, the little money I had and personal effects) I know it will take a bit of time to completely recover from these thoughts (the "nice" thing about when I was suicidal was how it made me feel, I actually felt so calm "accepting" that it was the only thing I had that would stop all of this. Now that I am not thinking about suicide, I know I have to "rebuild" my life in whatever way I can, I am living in a city where I have settled for a year now (that in itself is something new to me, as I have travelled most of my life) which is a good thing and I have made a few good friends (one in particular who not only stopped me from killing myself but also has let me stay with her until I can be rehoused) but this trauma has badly affected my trust in people, my self confidence and self belief. I KNOW it will take a long time to "heal" but I do believe I will. Although the Police handled this situation as well as could be expected (I was told by them that I was most cooperative) I feel that this procedure needs major upheaval (as in the rights of the person accused aswell). The "killer blow" for me was when they seized my phone, they took away my hope of finding work etc. In a case like this why have they kept MY phone and returned this woman's phone to her? Surely they could have taken out the sim card and returned my phone, thus enabling me to "function", also, I understand why they took DNA samples and fingerprints, but once this accusation is proved that I am indeed innocent, will all of this be destroyed? and when?
For a person who was actually raped, I have the greatest empathy and believe that no stone should be left unturned till there is a conclusion, but surely as an "accused person" the same rules apply. In the Army you are guilty till proven innocent and the final outcome of a case is also different (guilty, innocent, but also "admonished" found guilty but not fined or imprisoned but you have the decision recorded) Surely in the case of someone falsely accusing another admonishment could be applied? I myself and others who know about my situation all agree that this woman MUST be known to the Police or believe that she has done this kind of thing before, yet when I asked the Police this I was told "no comment" (surely that is the "right" awarded to the accused NOT the Police?). I now look forward, but to do this I need to know that somehow this woman cannot be able to do this again to someone else. I am not angry about it all (I'm too weak and confused to be angry) but unless this woman has her own mental health issues or is just a sociopath, it's just not justifiable for her to be allowed to do this without some form of prosecution herself? As for he displaying photos on Facebook etc I was told by a friend that this woman deleted everything the same day (which to me is another indication of her guilt) I KNOW I will never be charged with this offence, as I spoke the truth about everything that happened, I also have two VITAL witnesses that will never have their statements taken, so the Police cannot obviously be taking this accusation seriously! I even admitted something to the Police that I had never told ANYONE before (because of a "botched" operation on a prolapsed disc I had removed from my back in 2003) I have been left with nerve damage from the waist down, which in turn had made me impotent since then (this in itself is a VERY difficult thing for a man to have to admit to) but as I told Police if there was ANYTHING I thought was prevalent to the accusation, I would tell them. For this woman to LIE (saying she did not remember anything, is far too easy a thing to do in my opinion) surely there should be some procedure to procure the TRUTH from her! (if they can use a lie detector on a show as pathetic as "Jeremy Kyle") this could / should be used in a case as sever as date rape?[/QUOTE]

[Franticwithworry]

Having read some of the messages on here, I am beginning to understand the complexities of this subject a lot more. It seems like the "odds" are stacked against the people that are accused. Such a terrible position to be in, no wonder people feel so isolated. There are "specialist" Police investigators etc for rape (or alleged victims) but there doesn't appear to be any recourses or trained people to support the accused! With so much highlight on this crime and because of it's impact on people in general, why is this?

P.S Sorry for reposting above message ..... But as my name suggests, I am Headwrecked

Hi Headwrecked,

Believe it or not, the odds ARE in your favour - the majority of accusations are not prosecuted and that means that the majority of false accusations don't get beyond NFA. The statistics support that conclusion. That said, as you say it doesn't help those who are falsely accused, but the system doesn't recognise false accusations and that's why there are forums and support groups such as this one. Criminals in general don't get any support and unfortunately, those accused of sexual crimes are seen as criminals from the start. the likelihood of there being any official support for the accused is remote so we have to support each other. The situation is becoming so bad that it is going to be up to the falsely accused themselves to change things. The mood IS changing but not very quickly.

I hope that you find lots of support here. Yes, the issue is complicated, and the focus is on all those poor people on the receiving end of sexual crime to the extent that some want to be part of the action and get sympathy, even when they invent the crime. It boggles my mind that most people who make false accusations are deemed to have other issues that absolve them of responsibility, so they can jump on the 'victim' bandwagon no matter what. However, hang on to the fact that you have a really good chance of coming out of the other end of this WITHOUT a wrongful conviction.

I know you have lots of questions, but one thing at a time - I understand why you undertook the interview without legal representation. It's a common reaction from those who are innocent of the accusation, but at this point I strongly recommend that you talk to a specialist solicitor. There are recommendations on the forum here in a designated thread and if you have difficulty finding one in your area, pop back here and ask and someone may have some additional knowledge. Most of the solicitors will have an initial chat with you and tell you how the system works from a professional point of view and advise you as to if and how to get your phone returned to you. PACE law states that information should be downloaded and the device returned expeditiously, but some police forces are more amenable to that than others, and police officers often respond better to solicitors than the accused - the pesky 'criminals'. I'm sure that solicitors will not take their BS because they know the system and the law better than the accused who are often frozen in shock by it all and don't know where to start.

Please take great care of your mental health. What you describe as happening to you is unfortunately, unsurprising, given the trauma you have suffered. I'm glad that you have found a good friend, but be gentle with yourself too. You are 'headwrecked' because your brain is physically damaged by the trauma, and though it will recover, it needs time.

Know that you are not alone in this nightmare and that there is support here when you need it, and that though it doesn't feel it right now, the statistics are on your side.

As a final point, I can delete the second of your double post if you wish, for clarity, but I won't do it unless you ask me to. Just let me know here and I'll sort it.

[Peter1975]

Sorry for the late welcome to the forum Headwrecked and I'm sorry that someone else had to find us but we are on your side!

I think the others kind words have covered most things but please see CH's post, what happens now:

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...at-happens-now

Write everything down, every little detail you can remember but for now, just look after yourself, stay busy and healthy and try to keep things in perspective. The majority of these cases go no further than an investigation but if this progresses, please ask here for a good solicitor in your area or look at the threads in the useful information section.

[Headwrecked]

4 Months on ....

Hello again everyone, Well it is four long months since the false accusation and my arrest. I have a place of my own now and am slowly getting it sorted, I took your advice and I've been trying to keep busy doing local voluntary work (as I'm not able to hold down a full time job yet) My mental and physical health have suffered greatly because of this ordeal, so I just take things slower now. I need some advice …. Does any of you know of or a decent law firm / solicitor in Carlisle area that specialises in this sort of thing? I had a Citizens advice advisor making enquiries, but the latest I heard (a month ago)was that things were "complicated" ….. I don't even understand what that means, (does it make sense to any of you?) as I couldn't imagine a more simple a case than mine to prove. I did actually see the woman that accused me last week while walking through a local park …. It took everything I had not to say something to her (there really was only one word I would have said …. "WHY"? … but I thought better than to speak at all), I just looked at her face when I recognised her (she did everything she could to avert any eye contact and walked passed me with her head down) but I really did expect a visit from Police that night, seeing her brought everything back to me …. I had tried for months to block it all out, but this was a setback for me!

[Franticwithworry]

Have a look through this thread Headwrecked - http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...ist-solicitors

My geography's not too good and I don't know if there's anyone there who might be within a reasonable distance of Carlisle. Most solicitors work in quite a wide radius. I can only imagine that the CAB are finding things 'complicated' because they are not able to explain things adequately or it's a euphemism for 'we haven't really tried to find out anything'. Any of the solicitors listed are experienced in this area and it's always possible that you could call one of them and ask if they know anyone closer to you.

You did exactly the right thing by ignoring your FA though I can imagine it was a very unsettling experience for you.

I'm glad to hear that you are talking things slowly and not putting too many demands on yourself.

With best wishes and a