Victimized by a false accusation - any advice?

[Lamont]

Thanks, RF, but I'm not seeing anything in my PM box (???).

[Lamont]

Nevermind RF.... found it. Thanks you!!!

[Lamont]

I'm getting mixed advice from friends as to whether I should pursue charges against my accuser. One friend insists I should not let this woman get away with what she has done. On the other hand, another friend (a work colleague) and a psychologist that I'm seeing insist that I should let this go. As the latter two individuals reason, pursuing charges will simply reawaken this issue and possibly make it very public.

I'm torn. The more generous part of me would like to let this go and pray that this troubled young woman can get her life together. Another part of me, however, remains damn pissed off. This woman has put me through sheer hell, has destroyed my reputation in the minds of at least a handful of people, and gets away with it!?!

If I were to make a public mischief allegation and she were actually charged, I think I would achieve some sense of closure. If she is not charged, however, I'm not sure how that would look. Would it be perceived by my colleagues as a pathetic, childish attempt at revenge?

I would really like to let go of this anger. My psychologist suggests using the following strategies to accomplish this and achieve what he calls 'internal closure':

1. Talk about the issue with close friends in a way that allows me to really vent my anger (ie, tell them how I truly feel about my accuser - holding nothing back)

2. Write an angery letter to my accuser, again using this as a vehicle to release all of my angry feelings. Rather than sending the letter, however, I would burn it, thereby symbolically putting this ordeal behind me.

According to the therapist, my anger stems from my feeling victimized. the strategies indicated above would help me to abandon the victim role, thereby alleviating my lingering anger and resentment. He maintains that achieving the sort of external validation/closure that I'm seeking (eg, through possibly pursuing charges) is rarely realized, and I should instead pursue internal closure and move on with my life.

Easier said than done. Does the sense of violation and resultant resentment ever fully go away??? If anyone in a similar situation has achieved the sort of internal closure that the psychologist encourages, please tell!!!

[Rights Fighter]

I can't tell you what to do Lamont. I can see what your psychologist is saying and would agree in part. However, if this young woman gets away with what she has done then she could go and do it again.

Is there any way you could try to get her prosecuted without the matter going into the public domain?

[utterlydestroyed]

Dear Lamont

In my experience there is a reluctance, no, almost a policy by UK police NOT to prosecute false accusers, even where there are numerous witnesses, physical evidence and material evidence that an allogation of rape was false.

Especially if any aspects of the police conduct were at fault, corrupt or criminal, which in my personal experience is a probability.

In pursuing it with the police, I feel you may make yourself yet more of a target of police than you may already be ('mud sticks' and 'no smoke without fire 'are two sayings which drive me to despair, since the people who say them (often behind your back and instigated by police) rarely bother to look at the facts).

You are FOREVER a suspect now in the eyes of the UK police. (Even if you have been cleared, the case finalised NFA, You might want to make a complaint about any aspect of police misconduct that was wrong or even criminal, as it may reveal that you are STILL on the police computer as a 'suspect rapist', as has also happened in my experience.) Even more so if the police conduct has not been by the book, lawful or honest, which quite frankly, is a given probability, also, in my experience.

To what extent has this effected your family life/public life/social life/employment?

If it has destroyed those, then go for the jugular, 'kick off' with the police, but expect to get no result from a police system which is corrupt, justice or closure. You will need to be incredibly strong. Police & the criminal justice service is in my opinion corrupt in such matters which expose the failings of the system. (...and sadly expect no honesty, integrity, or impartiality, or transparency of conduct from police) and remember you cannot name your false accuser publicly...by law. You can gaurantee the police will do NOTHING about a false accuser, but publicly reveal who they are... and I bet your feet would not touch the ground as the police respond to victimise YOU still further!

If the police were at fault and you make a complaint to the IPCC, expect them to pass it back to the local police force own internal 'professional standards unit', who will then BURY it, un-investigated, also in my experience!

I think we have all learned by the STOCKWELL tube shooting incident that the IPCC (Independent Police Complaints Commission) is COMPLETELY ineffectual as a public watchdog over police abuse of power, misconduct, lies, police faliure of 'duty of care'...oh, and the public execution? murder? by police of inoccent people. Although you might consider going after the police 'Charter Mark' for public service...as we are now doing with our local (in our case) grossly homophobic police force.

The burning letter thing may work for you (I got through incinerating a small Brazilian rain forest...and it did not help).

If you decide to fight, then raise awareness of the faults in the system (corrupt, dishonest police & misconduct, the compensation system which encourages some to make false allegation, reluctance of the system to pursue false accusers, no systems of support for those victims falsely accused of rape, and a flawed investigative system into police abuses).

Which ever you decide, know there are some people who DO understand the impact & effect, devestation & hurt, that such an experience can have as that of a 'false allegation'.

I wish you well, keep posting.

[Saffron]

Hey Lamont

If I was in your situation, I think I would go for a prosecution. It may not come to anything, but at least it would give her the fright of her life (similar to the one you hve experienced) and may make her think twice about doing it again.

I feel so powerless against the woman who broke my heart, and I wish I had some redress against her. At the moment I do not have that form of redress, but you do.

I tried the letter-burning thing when my husband was in prison, but it didn't work for me. it may work for you, so do try it. if it gives you closure, then all well and good.

I just think that there are a lot of women out there who will make a false allegation, just as thre are a lot of women who have genuinely been raped. the ones that make a false allegation make it less likely that genuine rape survivors will get justice, and they put the people they accuse through hell. the more that can be done to deter this happening, the better.

ps, sorry for my bad spelling and punctuation - new laptop is taking a bit of getting used to!

[Rights Fighter]

I just think that there are a lot of women out there who will make a false allegation, just as there are a lot of women who have genuinely been raped.

Please don't forget the guys who make false allegations of abuse. In the same way that guys have (genuinely) been abused.

Just thought I should mention that before guys thought they were being ignored.

[Lamont]

Update

Hi everyone,

Well, I ran into the police detective who investigated my case in, of all places, my spinning class! (I'm really not used to living in a small town! lol)

Very sweet man. He confirmed that no charges would be laid, which was nice to hear (I never did receive official confirmation), and that my accuser was informed of this. Bumping into him also provided an opportunity to elicit his perspective on pursuing a public mischief charge.

The detective informed me that he himself was all set to lay this charge on my accuser after he interviewed me, but abandoned the idea after speaking with the complainant. As he explained, my accuser, troubled as she is, actually believes that I did something wrong. In such a situation it's tough to make a public mischief charge stick, as it must be proven that the accuser deliberately fabricated the allegation.

So I guess all that's left is for me to pursue the internal closure that my psychologist encourages. I remian angry, and fear the potential long term consequences where my reputation is concerned. Still, it would seem my only option at this point is to hold my head high, go on with my life, and hope this dies quickly (which it seems to be, though I'm reluctant to get too comfortable).

I will also keep my ear to the ground to see if she attempts this with someone else. If she does, I will certainly be there to assist this individual with his defense.

I want to reiterate my thanks to everyone for taking the time to read my posts and for all of your generous input. I don't know of anyone who has been through a similar situation, so I can't tell you how appreciative I was to find a site where people understand what I am going through. This site is a briliant initiative, and I hope true justice will prevail for everyone who finds himself in the horrific situation of being falsely accused of something heinous.

This is not a goodbye as I intend to reamain an active member of this amzing community. Just thought I'd express my appreciation.

[utterlydestroyed]

Result.

UD

[Saffron]

Hi Lamont
I am really pleased to hear that you intend to remain an active member of this forum. Lots of people do not, sometimes because they are incarcerated and are therefore unable to; sometimes because they have been cleared and want to put the whole sorry mess behind them. I apportion no blame in either case!
you certainly sound a lot happier and more balanced than you did when you first joined. I try to think of my ordeal in a positive way - my life is definitely richer in experience than it was before this happened, and i have discovered strengths I never knew i had, that's for sure.
Life does throw curve balls at you sometimes, and i think you can either survive them and move on, knowing that you have become a wiser person, or you can let them destroy you. triumph through adversity, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. and on a darker note: the best form of revenge is survival....but seriously, you just do your nest to keep going, don't you?
I am very pleased to hear you sounding so strong and positive.

[Rights Fighter]

You do your nest Saffron???

My nest needs the hoover waved at it........

[mol12]

keep it going

Hi Lamont
I am really pleased to hear that you intend to remain an active member of this forum. Lots of people do not, sometimes because they are incarcerated and are therefore unable to; sometimes because they have been cleared and want to put the whole sorry mess behind them. I apportion no blame in either case!
you certainly sound a lot happier and more balanced than you did when you first joined. I try to think of my ordeal in a positive way - my life is definitely richer in experience than it was before this happened, and i have discovered strengths I never knew i had, that's for sure.
Life does throw curve balls at you sometimes, and i think you can either survive them and move on, knowing that you have become a wiser person, or you can let them destroy you. triumph through adversity, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. and on a darker note: the best form of revenge is survival....but seriously, you just do your nest to keep going, don't you?
I am very pleased to hear you sounding so strong and positive.

Keep it up the more of us that survive the better,

[mol12]

whats a hoover

have one how do you start it

[Saffron]

oops

my Nest, yes....yet another new laptop with a slightly different sized keyboard...makes for some interesting spelling and punctuation errors!