Accused but not yet charged, totally false allegation

[Dinosaur20]

Hello,

I equally never thought this is the place I would be seeking help. I've been accused, not yet arrested, of rape, and I haven't been able to tell anyone apart from one really close mate who wasn't all that helpful - apart from telling me not to panic, what can you do?

A friend - that I'd known for maybe 1 year, or more - came round to my house, she was supposed to be with her boyfriend but he was ill. My partner was away, it was just the two of us. I cooked dinner, we had a fair bit to drink. We were having a super nice evening, listening to music and dancing in a silly, friendly and fun way. There is a connection between us which I feel she knows.

She went up upstairs and was sick. She came out of the bathroom and we kissed - after she'd brushed her teeth - which she responded to (and has admitted was consensual). Here's where the stories differ.

She now claims - ONE YEAR AFTER THE EVENT - that I raped her. In my mind we had full consensual sex, that night and then the following morning. The following morning she said "we shouldn't be doing this, this is the point at which it stops becoming a drunken shag" or something like that, AND SO I STOPPED IMMEDIATELY.

I gave her a towel, she showered, I made her a cup of tea and drove her home.

So, I haven't been arrested, but interviewed under caution. The cops turned up on my doorstep and amazingly my partner wasn't in. In the interest of keeping her and the rest of my family out of it as long as possible I went and gave a statement then and there without a lawyer. But still wasn't arrested, and I'm now in an appalling limbo waiting to hear if there is a case to be brought and I will be charged.

This is highly stressful and upsetting. I feel I cannot talk to anyone about this. My life, and the lives of my elderly parents, my wife (of 1 month!) and everyone else will be deeply, badly affected.

Does anyone, please, have any advice or similar experience? I realise this is a question of consent. I feel she consented in the way that she responded to me and have no memory of her telling me to stop, except for the next morning when as I say I did immediately she asked.

Forum users, do you think there is a case here? Will I be arrested & charges based on what I've just said?

I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice anyone is able to give.

Thanks,

Dinosaur20

[Rights Fighter]

None of us can say whether you will be charged or not.

I do wish, though, you had taken the advice of a duty solicitor. If you are called in again please make sure that you do. Which area would that be in? In case I know of a decent solicitor who is experienced with this sort of thing.

[Dinosaur20]

None of us can say whether you will be charged or not.

I do wish, though, you had taken the advice of a duty solicitor. If you are called in again please make sure that you do. Which area would that be in? In case I know of a decent solicitor who is experienced with this sort of thing.

I was told that one was not available that day. Just that I had the opportunity to terminate the interview at any point if I felt I wanted to. They suggested another date in the future, 3 weeks away, when one would be available, and since my partner was away it seemed like a good omen to go down and calmly tell my side of the story.

In hindsight it seems like they were trying to get me to make a statement under caution without legal representation and appealing to my wish to clear my name, knowing I would be shocked (no previous record, no contact with police before). I wish I had found this site earlier but at the time it seemed like the only logical thing to do as my partner was away

I stuck to factual information and when I couldn't remember a detail then I simply said I didn't remember, not try to make something up.

I'm in the NW of England

[imsam]

Welcome to the forum Mate, I'm in the same boat as you, and I have been in that boat for 9 months now and still no charge or NFA. Some on here have been waiting for over two years. So it seems the best thing we can do is keep busy and not think about it , if that is possible .

Wonder why she just decided to go the police a whole year after the event? should think that is even your favour a bit, but who knows

Something else I learned on here NEVER EVER trust the police no matter how nice they are to you, I think I fell for that one a bit at the beginning to and thought they were being helpful to me , but the guys on here say that's only to get you to talk

Sam

[Dinosaur20]

None of us can say whether you will be charged or not.

I do wish, though, you had taken the advice of a duty solicitor. If you are called in again please make sure that you do. Which area would that be in? In case I know of a decent solicitor who is experienced with this sort of thing.

Thanks for your quick reply, it's appreciated. I realise that no-one can say definitely one way or the other. However the not knowing, as many people on here have said, is awful.

Is there anyone out there who has had a similar experience and if so, whether it resulted in charge or not? I realise that every case is different but this can't be the first time this has happened, please if anyone has anything to share it would mean the world

Thank you

[Dinosaur20]

Welcome to the forum Mate, I'm in the same boat as you, and I have been in that boat for 9 months now and still no charge or NFA. Some on here have been waiting for over two years. So it seems the best thing we can do is keep busy and not think about it , if that is possible .

Wonder why she just decided to go the police a whole year after the event? should think that is even your favour a bit, but who knows

Something else I learned on here NEVER EVER trust the police no matter how nice they are to you, I think I fell for that one a bit at the beginning to and thought they were being helpful to me , but the guys on here say that's only to get you to talk

Sam

Hi Sam, thanks for your reply and sorry you're in the same boat, my heart goes out to you.

It's really messed up that she waited a whole year. Which I think is possibly in my favour - there's no evidence other than her word against mine.

I would NEVER have had sex with her had there been the slightest doubt in my mind that she wanted to. And the next morning, when it resumed, like I said I stopped immediately when she asked.

[Bob1234]

Hello... sorry to see your situation.

This forum has been a life saver for me and without it i don't know what state i would be in now. Read through everything you can on this forum... however time consuming. You will see a trend in which members post reliable sh*t.

I have been charged and completed my Pre trial prep ... so i can give some "tips" if you can call them it based on my experience:

- dont trust the police at all. in my case when i got arrested they lied about my criminal record to get me to panic...
- write down everything you can from the night in question. version of events and anything which may help
- read around the topic of consent, rape etc.
- tell a family member. it broke my parents when i told them and it was the hardest thing in my life to look my mum in the eye and tell her the situation i was in. it will be hard at the start but they have been the backbone i needed in my life.
- be careful who you tell also, some people may not know about the common nature of these cases. i only told a hand full of people and soon realised who i had the support of.
- seek counselling if you need. it helped me.
- you will good days and bad days. bad days more so where you have complex emotions, roller coaster etc. be prepared.
- you haven't been charged yet, it could be NFA, but prepare for the worst.
- if you are charged you will need further representation. scout out firms which could represent you and if you can go private. Rights fighter is brilliant at recommendations based on your location.
-use this forum for advice. keep it to the same thread so people can keep track as there are a lot of posters! but don't make it too open as it is a public forum at the end of the day.
- for your sake keep busy. try to keep a normal routine.

any questions do ask!

Bob

[Peter1975]

Welcome to Daftmoo Dinosaur20.

It's always sad to see a new poster but you are in the right place for some support and it's good to see you've already had some good advice. As Bob says, have a good read through some posts and you will see that there are many that have been where you are, so you are not alone.

You might start here with Casehardened's guide if you haven't already -

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...at-happens-now

There is also this blog that you may find useful -

https://15for15dealingwithafalsealle...wordpress.com/

The general advice is yes, don't ever trust the police. They are not always nasty two faced turds but don't take that chance! To be fair, they get a hard time from the anti rape industry, rape and consent being particularly difficult to prove, so they sometimes look for advantages.

Sounds like they were trying to take advantage of your shocked state to interview you without a solicitor but also sounds like you did ok. It's usually best to answer questions and not bluff if you can't remember.

As RF says if they want to speak to you again, or if you want to speak to them, get a decent solicitor. RF took me under her protective wing almost 2 years ago now and I can guarantee you that if she can recommend a solicitor in your area they will be top notch.

Writing down events in a chronological order, keeping a notebook with you for moments of inspiration, and stalking the accusers social media and taking screenshots is all standard advice, as is carrying on with your routine, eating well and exercising, getting help from your doctor if you feel you need it, carefully choosing some support from family and friends and talking rather than bottling things up. We are here to listen.

It is something of a mantra in the groups that you prepare for the worst and hope for the best but I would emphasise the hope. Over 80% of all cases don't go beyond the investigation stage.

Keep posting for support

[Dinosaur20]

Hello... sorry to see your situation.

This forum has been a life saver for me and without it i don't know what state i would be in now. Read through everything you can on this forum... however time consuming. You will see a trend in which members post reliable sh*t.

I have been charged and completed my Pre trial prep ... so i can give some "tips" if you can call them it based on my experience:

- dont trust the police at all. in my case when i got arrested they lied about my criminal record to get me to panic...
- write down everything you can from the night in question. version of events and anything which may help
- read around the topic of consent, rape etc.
- tell a family member. it broke my parents when i told them and it was the hardest thing in my life to look my mum in the eye and tell her the situation i was in. it will be hard at the start but they have been the backbone i needed in my life.
- be careful who you tell also, some people may not know about the common nature of these cases. i only told a hand full of people and soon realised who i had the support of.
- seek counselling if you need. it helped me.
- you will good days and bad days. bad days more so where you have complex emotions, roller coaster etc. be prepared.
- you haven't been charged yet, it could be NFA, but prepare for the worst.
- if you are charged you will need further representation. scout out firms which could represent you and if you can go private. Rights fighter is brilliant at recommendations based on your location.
-use this forum for advice. keep it to the same thread so people can keep track as there are a lot of posters! but don't make it too open as it is a public forum at the end of the day.
- for your sake keep busy. try to keep a normal routine.

any questions do ask!

Bob

Bob, thanks for this. I'm trying to stay calm, focussed and positive but at the moment am flirting between despair and incredulity...

[wewillbeather]

Hello sorry to see you here. Its a horrible situation to find yourself in.

Have you told your partner? It's obviously something you'll have to think about but it may be best to do so - in the event you are charged (and that is a maybe) you are going to have to tell her. It may be better to do it now as she can support you and she will not face the double whammy of finding out not only that you're being charged but also that you're keeping a secret from her. My partner did't tell me what was happening for 3 months. I knew all that time that SOMETHING was wrong but had no idea what. In our case the awful horror of what he told me outweighed the fact he hadnt told me but I still felt hurt he'd kept it from me.

Secondly, strap yourself in for a long ride. It took 2 1/2 years for the CPS to finally come to a NFA decison. It took us both a long time to stop obsessing about it practically ever minute of everyday. Get out everyday even if only to the shops. Read, watch TV, eat, sleep, do the washing, exercise - try to live a normal a life as you can. Yes you will worry but don't let it overwhelm you. Its in the hands of the police now and there is very little you can do but wait - it may be days, weeks, months or years but eventally a decision will be reached and you can deal with the next steps.

I hope it all works out for you

[Dinosaur20]

Hello sorry to see you here. Its a horrible situation to find yourself in.

Have you told your partner? It's obviously something you'll have to think about but it may be best to do so - in the event you are charged (and that is a maybe) you are going to have to tell her. It may be better to do it now as she can support you and she will not face the double whammy of finding out not only that you're being charged but also that you're keeping a secret from her. My partner did't tell me what was happening for 3 months. I knew all that time that SOMETHING was wrong but had no idea what. In our case the awful horror of what he told me outweighed the fact he hadnt told me but I still felt hurt he'd kept it from me.

Secondly, strap yourself in for a long ride. It took 2 1/2 years for the CPS to finally come to a NFA decison. It took us both a long time to stop obsessing about it practically ever minute of everyday. Get out everyday even if only to the shops. Read, watch TV, eat, sleep, do the washing, exercise - try to live a normal a life as you can. Yes you will worry but don't let it overwhelm you. Its in the hands of the police now and there is very little you can do but wait - it may be days, weeks, months or years but eventally a decision will be reached and you can deal with the next steps.

I hope it all works out for you

Hi Wewillbeather, and thank you for the support.

I have of course considered it. The thing is, that it happened when we were together, but not yet married. A stupid drunken moment which I did not tell her about at the time and she has asked me about since, and I've consistently denied. I can live with that side of it, somehow (please please keep your own judgements on that aspect of it seperate) but as long as I have not been charged and there is still a sliver of hope that it doesn't reach trial then I am desperate, for her sake and the rest of my and her families, to keep her out of it.

My gut feeling is that if I tell her she will leave me, I'll have to move out, have nowhere to live and be totally groundless.

[Dinosaur20]

Hello... sorry to see your situation.

This forum has been a life saver for me and without it i don't know what state i would be in now. Read through everything you can on this forum... however time consuming. You will see a trend in which members post reliable sh*t.

I have been charged and completed my Pre trial prep ... so i can give some "tips" if you can call them it based on my experience:

- dont trust the police at all. in my case when i got arrested they lied about my criminal record to get me to panic...
- write down everything you can from the night in question. version of events and anything which may help
- read around the topic of consent, rape etc.
- tell a family member. it broke my parents when i told them and it was the hardest thing in my life to look my mum in the eye and tell her the situation i was in. it will be hard at the start but they have been the backbone i needed in my life.
- be careful who you tell also, some people may not know about the common nature of these cases. i only told a hand full of people and soon realised who i had the support of.
- seek counselling if you need. it helped me.
- you will good days and bad days. bad days more so where you have complex emotions, roller coaster etc. be prepared.
- you haven't been charged yet, it could be NFA, but prepare for the worst.
- if you are charged you will need further representation. scout out firms which could represent you and if you can go private. Rights fighter is brilliant at recommendations based on your location.
-use this forum for advice. keep it to the same thread so people can keep track as there are a lot of posters! but don't make it too open as it is a public forum at the end of the day.
- for your sake keep busy. try to keep a normal routine.

any questions do ask!

Bob

wanted to add that I've read through your own situation, I'll be following it and rooting for you man.

All best

[YearsOfHell]

Hi dinosaur
Sorry you've had to come here.
I'm not going to tell you what to do with regards your wife as you know her better than we do.
But this is not something you should be dealing with alone.
In my experience these things may "go away" for a while but this could just as easily rear its ugly head at a later date.
Obviously if you're charged and it goes all the way to court, then you'll probably have to let them know.
In the meantime I would think seriously about telling your wife. Your mental health needs to be taken into consideration and these allegations mess you up!
Be honest with her, let her shout, scream, vent etc. No doubt she will be extremely hurt.
But when she sees what you're facing because of it she may decide you're being punished enough!!
There's always the chance she will leave you and you'll lose everything so that's why it needs to be your decision, and no one will judge you for what you decide.
Hang in there!
YoH

[wewillbeather]

Sorry if i came across as judgemental that's the last thing you need at the moment and wasn't intended to seem that way

[imsam]

wanted to add that I've read through your own situation, I'll be following it and rooting for you man.

All best

Hi Bob, I think about you a lot and wonder what is happening with your trial etc, Do please keep the forum updated with how it all goes. Once we see all the 'bananas' I will be so happy for you, but if it all just goes quiet I always imagine the worst has happened.

You mentioned in your post that you researched 'consent ' . I never asked my girl if she was agreeable to sex, it was obvious to me that she was up for it, she had been flirting with me all night, and one of the party goers had seen us kissing earlier in the evening , our flirting could not be too 'open' as my GF was at the party too ( I know that makes me seem bad but that is what happened) I don't think I have actually asked a girl if she was OK with sex, but of course I only ever had sex with someone that also wanted it