Total Shock I can't cope

[Nosleepforweeks]

Hi All

I'm not sure if Anyone can help me here in any way, I am in a state of extreme panic, anger, and worry about what's been going on in my family life. I need all the advice I can get. I now need to focus on the safeguarding of my children and deal with the evil lies that my now ex partner has said about me. Make of this what you will, all I can say is that I'm giving you a 100% honest account of everything.

I have 2 children. In terms of looking after them, I have been doing 90% of this. My partner would just lay on the floor most days speaking to her friends in Thai. I always take my son to and from Nursery, and engage in the groups at the nursery. My partner never breastfed. I'd do all the housework, cookiing, laundry, cleaning and so on. My partner is/was depressed and in my opinion, lazy. I would never feel comfortable leaving the children alone with her for very long. My partner has previous child neglect against her, I think it was in 2008 from her previous marriage, she has another son, she ran away to Thailand for 3 months and left her son, and her ex Husband has custody of that child. She also has a daughter in Thailand from her first marriage, who she also ran away from. I don't know her ex husbands side of the story, I've only heard this from her and I've seen the court papers which state that custody of her son was given to her ex husband.

We met in 2014. After meeting her I discovered that she was not only a massage/beauty therapist but she sold her body for money. As we fell in love at the time, we agreed that she stop selling her body for 'extra services' as it was not fair on our relationship. She quit that job in March 2015. We were living together by this point, under my Dad's roof. We'd argue sometimes, as any ordinary couple would do, about things like why I never answered my phone for 30 minutes while I was out. In 2015 on a couple of occasions, she hit me on the face, pinched me, and put my head in some martial arts holds when she was angry. I never fought back, I just pulled away and let her calm down. Despite this, most of the time we would get on well as friends so at that early point I thought the positives outweighed the negatives.

We were evicted from my Dad's home in 2016, due to him threatening to kill us both. He is a cocaine and dependant alcohol user, and would become psychotic.

We managed to get housed by the local authority in 2016 and let's fast forward to January 2017. We now have 2 children and are housed in a 3 bed housing association place, but it's still classed as temporary housing, the next step would have been a permanent social housing home.

In January 2017 we had an argument, as she was not helping out enough with looking after the kids. At that point I started to speak to my Dad again, but kept my distance. My therapist and I were working on a way for me to get some proper closure with my Dad, due to previous childhood abuse I suffered from him. Anyway back to the argument, she snapped at me due to having a cocktail of benzo's opiates, effigen, and alcohol in her system. She beat me quite badly and pulled a knife out on me in front of the children. She would also threaten to leave me, because she is the mother and as a father I'd get thrown in a bedsit (her words) I said I'd go to court to fight for my children, and she called the police complaining that I was being threatening. Of course the Police took no action as no criminal matter had occurred. I did not report the domestic violence towards me at that point. I wanted to keep the family together as I had grown up in a broken family.

After this,from time to time,she'd emotionally bully me saying that she would get rehoused with the kids because she gets all the child benefit and has the rights. Stupidly, we even discussed marriage but she wouldn't give me reassurance that she would give me 50/50 custody in case of a divorce, especially after threatening me that she'll leave and after what my Dad done to me.

on 20th July she beat me badly, I don't hit back and she knows this. I discovered she had enquired to get rehoused, cancelled my carers allowance, and made a fraudulent benefit claim. We argued about this then it calmed down. I said I was going out for a breather, and tried to give her a quick hug and I said we'll sort this out. As I went to hug her (she was sitting upright on the sofa) she punched me, put me in a martial arts hold where I was choking. I managed to get her off me. She then got up and continued to punch and kick me, I had my hands up guarding my face and I was backing into the kitchen. I was verbally trying to calm her down. She then picked up a meat cleaver and swung it at me, missed, and I disarmed her. The kids witnessed all of this. She eventually stopped and I went out, bruised and hurt.

When I got home she carried on with the threats to leave me and carried on again on Friday morning. I was an emotional wreck. I again said that I would call social services and seek to go to court as the children are not safe around her. SHE called the police on me on Friday, again complaining that I threatened her to go to court. Of course the police done nothing, and after they left I explained to my partner that social services are automatically going to be called now following this event. I told the police that she tried to swing a weapon at me, and they said if my partner is arrested for that then my kids would be taken into care while we are both questioned. I said I don't want my kids in care so they left it. Later that night she played lovey dubby with me, saying how sorry she was.

On saturday morning she started insulting me again, and grabbed my arm but I got away and went out. I called the social services and told them everything. They told me to report all of this to the police station immediately. Which I did. Enough was enough.

I showed the police my bruises, told them the truth. They said that she has to be arrested for this, and that the kids will stay with me while she is questioned. When I returned home with the police, she'd gone. She'd taken the kids, passports, clothes, EVERYTHING.

The police returned to my address 5 hours later and she still hadn't returned. Police informed me that my kids and partner were now classed as missing people, and If I hear anything or they return then there's a warrant for her arrest. She called me late that night and said she will be returning on the Sunday, but she didn't tell me where she and my kids were.

She returned on Sunday, I called 999 and she was arrested for attempted GBH. The kids stayed with me. I kept social services abreast of everything every step of the way.

While she was in custody (especially as it was approaching the 24 hour mark) I was trying to call the domestic violence unit at the police station to find out how they were going to manage the risk. I did not want her coming back to the address for the safety of me and my kids. I got no answer for 2 days. She'd been released but didn't come home.

On Tuesday evening, after I just put my son to bed, 4 police officers came into my home. Turns out while she was in custody she had accused me of Rape on 3 seperate occasions, one in Nov 2014 (the month we met) one in May 2017 and one in June 2017. I could not believe what I was hearing. She'd done this through sinister malice, because she knew the kids would be given to me as I was the victim, with bruises all over my arms (which I still have now)

I was interviewed and I had a duty solicitor. I was released without charge or bail. Free to go. AND RIGHTLY SO. The police kept my mobile phone for evidence. They won't find anything on there because I never even threatened her in the slightest. I was talking to a couple of close friends about the whole thing though, and I slagged her off to my cousin after everything that happened. My cousin couldn't believe what happened. He's a bit of a 'lad' and said I need to get her nicked and get my kids. As we are blood relatives he got quite angry but he didn't come round or anything.

Now I don't know where my kids are, police won't tell me, social worker isn't seeing me until next week and has to see my partner and kids first. Now She's being treated as a victim, due to LIES. Even though I'm not guilty of the false accusations she's made, it'll still show up in court which surely gives me no chance of getting custody of my kids, due to the stigma. How could she go so low to accuse me of this? Funnily enough the physical attraction from my end fizzled out and she would pressure me to have sex with her 4 or 5 times a week. I couldn't keep up so I had to be prescribed viagra. That's all on my GP record.

So yeah, I've been set up. Set up for safeguarding my kids. And set up with a serious crime. Long term I want this turned round into the truth, which is that she's perverted the course of justice.

I only discvered this forum yesterday, so if I've made any mistakes with the posting quidelines please forgive me. I've lost my kids overnight due to sinister lies and from what I'm reading online it seems a man can be framed for such offences and go down to prison!!

As I was looking after my childen I stopped working, and as stated I'm also having some therapy. It all seems like the odds are against me despite the fact I've done nothing wrong.

Legal aid would be my only way due to finances. But again, I haven't been charged or bailed however, it seems I should expect this. I cannot believe what is happening. I've had the crisis team round earlier and I can feel my mental health being torn to shreds.

[imsam]

What a terrible time you are having, getting so involved with such a woman. Hopefully the police will sort this all out for you as they look back at previous visits to your house etc.


I know that it's practically impossible right now, but try not to worry too much. you have suffered so much already in your life. How old are your children? are they old enough to remember your partners attacks on you? also a man that needs Viagra to have sex is not usually a rapist I shouldn't think. She is lying, you are telling the truth, hang on to that fact

Hopefully some more experienced members of this forum will come in soon and give you better advice and help than I can.

Try to think positive thoughts. Hopefully when this is all over you will end up in a happier situation then you even were before

Good luck Imsam

[Nosleepforweeks]

What a terrible time you are having, getting so involved with such a woman. Hopefully the police will sort this all out for you as they look back at previous visits to your house etc.


I know that it's practically impossible right now, but try not to worry too much. you have suffered so much already in your life. How old are your children? are they old enough to remember your partners attacks on you? also a man that needs Viagra to have sex is not usually a rapist I shouldn't think. She is lying, you are telling the truth, hang on to that fact

Hopefully some more experienced members of this forum will come in soon and give you better advice and help than I can.

Try to think positive thoughts. Hopefully when this is all over you will end up in a happier situation then you even were before

Good luck Imsam

Thanks Imsam.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to join the dots and see what has gone on. Friends are telling me to go out etc but they don't understand that I just have no motivation. I initially reached out to the police and it has turned 360 degrees on me like a horror film. I had injuries from her, she knows she hit me. My kids are 20 months and 8 months. she's done this to stop me getting custody and giving my kids a good upbringing.

I keep looking out of the window wondering when the next police car will turn up. I can't eat, sleep, or socialise. I can't get my head around why my children were given back to their mum. She is a risk to children. It's very hard to stay strong, and I no longer trust the police. At the moment all they have is my phone. They wont find anything threatening towards my partner on there at all.

As I haven't been charged, do i still get a solicitor? And i was released on further investigation. Not really sure what there is to investigate, other than the fact that I was covered in bruises from her attack. Apparently when she made this rubbish up, she was given a nice soft sofa and a video to confess on. Nothing more than blatent lies. I am actually classed as a vulnerable adult, but that won't count for much. She's got the kids now, and I wouldn't stand a chance in court. Now I need to consider the possibility of a criminal court battle too, even though the duty solicitor said it won't come to that. Just can't trust anyone. Those kids need to be with me. How can people make up such lies?

[Bob1234]

hello and sorry for the situation you find yourself in. A more experienced member will give you guidance I'm sure of it. however ill try adding some points which may help until that person comes along.

try not to panic. i know its hard but you will need a calm head.
write EVERYTHING down that you know, may have said at the station etc. these cases take a while to look at, my case was with the police for 6 months before i was charged. so writing it all down can be helpful for the worst case down the line.

have a read through the forum, there is some good info on here on what the process involves etc and others peoples stories.

i hope that helps, keep posting as you are on a forum with people who have been falsely alleged.

Bob

[Nosleepforweeks]

Thanks Bob.

I'm still in a state of panic and shock, but that has settled a bit now. What I'm thinking of now is the fact I'll probably never get custody of my kids, which I was on the verge of doing, and at leased stood a very good chance. This stigma will prevent me from working in the future, even in some self employed jobs. There's more but i just cant get my head around them. Too overwhelming. The only other option was to stay in the family home and get abused, bullied, and be unhappy seeing my children grow up with a mother like that. I can't help but think my life is over due to complete lies told by my ex partner.

Sorry If this sounds a little self pity mode. It's very hard to see any positives at the minute. And I'm shocked my ex would even make up such lies.

[Franticwithworry]

Hi there. I'm so sorry to hear your story - it's a nightmare. However, the advice you've been given so far us good. Write everything down and try not to panic. Many of these cases don't get as far as a charge, let alone a court case and conviction, but having a talk with a good, experienced solicitor who deals with false accusations. There's a sticky thread on here with recommendations but if there's no-one in your area, let us know roughly where you are - a county - and our resident expert will likely have a suggestion or two. A solicitor can't do much before a charge, but they can at least explain the process and give you a professional opinion on your situation, which many people find a comfort.

From what you describe, you have a lot going in your favour. It would probably be a good idea to talk to a family law lawyer too, as if you were close to getting custody of your childre, the reasons for that won't have gone away. In a perverse sort of way, these false accusations may be helpful, and be seen as the addition to the damaging behaviour your partner has been exhibiting, as they are. If Social Workers are involved it might be worth talking to them too as their knowledge of your efforts to safeguard your children might help. As I say, you have a lot going for you. There's no guarantee that a charge will come, much less a trial, so please don't lose hope yet.

It's a long road, probably, before the system finally spits you out at the end, and there's lots of support here in the meantime.

[Nosleepforweeks]

Hi there. I'm so sorry to hear your story - it's a nightmare. However, the advice you've been given so far us good. Write everything down and try not to panic. Many of these cases don't get as far as a charge, let alone a court case and conviction, but having a talk with a good, experienced solicitor who deals with false accusations. There's a sticky thread on here with recommendations but if there's no-one in your area, let us know roughly where you are - a county - and our resident expert will likely have a suggestion or two. A solicitor can't do much before a charge, but they can at least explain the process and give you a professional opinion on your situation, which many people find a comfort.

From what you describe, you have a lot going in your favour. It would probably be a good idea to talk to a family law lawyer too, as if you were close to getting custody of your childre, the reasons for that won't have gone away. In a perverse sort of way, these false accusations may be helpful, and be seen as the addition to the damaging behaviour your partner has been exhibiting, as they are. If Social Workers are involved it might be worth talking to them too as their knowledge of your efforts to safeguard your children might help. As I say, you have a lot going for you. There's no guarantee that a charge will come, much less a trial, so please don't lose hope yet.

It's a long road, probably, before the system finally spits you out at the end, and there's lots of support here in the meantime.

Thanks buddy.

As my ex partner has given false accusations, and even though I wasn't bailed, the police paper still says 'under further investigation'. Because of this, I doubt I'll be able to apply to the family courts? Like you say these things can take time and the longer my kids are with their mother at this 'confidential address' the easier it will be for them to forget me. Social worker says he will visit me next week but needs to visit mother and kids first. The whole point of this was to safeguard the kids against mother but she's flipped it 360 by making false allegations of (I can't even say the word) it makes me sick. Just got to hope my social worker is nice and doesn't buy into the 'kids must be with the mum' stigma. Because in my case, the mother is neglectful and violent. I'm in North London but I'd be looking at legal aid as I took a break from work to care for my kids and do some therapy.

[Casehardened]

Just a technicality but were you arrested and cautioned; I guess as four police officers turned up on your doorstep you probably were!

The reason for asking this is that if an arrest took place then an investigation has commenced and, as FWW mentioned, this may take some time, simply because it is an uncorroborated accusation without any evidence apart from your partner's statement.

You will probably find that the police will treat this allegation as a separate investigation to the one into your partner's violence to you so you may find the following link will answer some of your queries:

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...at-happens-now

[Nosleepforweeks]

Just a technicality but were you arrested and cautioned; I guess as four police officers turned up on your doorstep you probably were!

The reason for asking this is that if an arrest took place then an investigation has commenced and, as FWW mentioned, this may take some time, simply because it is an uncorroborated accusation without any evidence apart from your partner's statement.

You will probably find that the police will treat this allegation as a separate investigation to the one into your partner's violence to you so you may find the following link will answer some of your queries:

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...at-happens-now

Hi,

Yes I was arrested and then released without charge or bail. Itjust saya further investigation, and they've got my mobile phone. Apparently the children are with the mother in a safe address despite her waving knives around around them and giving me a good beating. Very hard to see the way they have managed the risk here. Hopefullymore will be revealed next week when I see the social worker.

She's had 2 children removed from her due to neglect before. One in the UK and one in a different country.

[Casehardened]

Hi,

Yes I was arrested and then released without charge or bail. Itjust saya further investigation, and they've got my mobile phone.

Thanks for the clarification and this is in line with many members experiences. Nowadays the police are directed to start an investigation from the premise of believing the complainant providing that it is possible that the alleged offence could have occurred. No bail suggests that either they think there is no risk of a recurrence or that it is unlikely it ever occurred but equally it might be because they think the investigation is likely to be lengthy and they don't want the hassle of continued rebails.

Many false allegations are made to further custody issues or to achieve residential status (though from reading your op this latter doesn't appear to be a reason) or even to get the alleged offender out of the matrimonial home but take comfort in that any reasonable person hearing your story will conclude the allegation was made as a counter-accusation to the one of DV.

The question of social services and where the children will reside is a tricky one and several members have had dealings with them and may be able to offer advice.

[Nosleepforweeks]

Thanks for the clarification and this is in line with many members experiences. Nowadays the police are directed to start an investigation from the premise of believing the complainant providing that it is possible that the alleged offence could have occurred. No bail suggests that either they think there is no risk of a recurrence or that it is unlikely it ever occurred but equally it might be because they think the investigation is likely to be lengthy and they don't want the hassle of continued rebails.

Many false allegations are made to further custody issues or to achieve residential status (though from reading your op this latter doesn't appear to be a reason) or even to get the alleged offender out of the matrimonial home but take comfort in that any reasonable person hearing your story will conclude the allegation was made as a counter-accusation to the one of DV.

The question of social services and where the children will reside is a tricky one and several members have had dealings with them and may be able to offer advice.

This is spot on.

She made these allegations while she was being interviewed in custody. The first allegation was in Nov 2014 (which was the month we met) the second was in May 2017, the third in June 2017. I asked the police if they would like any testing/samples from me and they declined.

She has not returned to the family home since she was released. Social services or the Police will not tell me where my children are, only that they are with their Mother. I can't see how that's good risk management to allow the kids to go back to their mum who's violent and neglects them. She'd need help looking after them. Some people are telling me that they are probably in a protection house or something. Whether they are with their Mum or not I'm not allowed to be told.

100%she's done this as a counter to the DV towards me, which DID happen. The police took pictures of my bruises that she gave me. I had cold hard evidence and all she had was lies. Apparently they released her after arresting her for GBH. All this because I thought I was doing the 'right' thing by telling the police, which social services told me to do. Now I've ended up without my kids who are attached to me. I've got this sick feeling inside that I'll lose my kids now due to lies. The very thought of it makes me tremble.

I never wanted this going tit for tat. I wanted to do what's right for my kids, because she is an unfit mother (I know you've only got my word here) but she's got previous in the county courts for neglect.

And with this police 'further investigation' going on, the best I can hope for is a contact centre I imagine. My son's no longer in nursery, and the social worker doesn't seem to be in a hurry to see me. I can't help but think that they've all bought into the stigma, which will influence any judges or social workers decision in the future.

Sorry for the negative post. It's very hard to see any positives anymore. Because of the Lies she's told.

[Nosleepforweeks]

Just to be clear on my previous post, she made all 3 allegations up at once last week while she was in custody for GBH on me. She's never made any allegations like this before, and I have no previous. She said I 'tied her up' and 'done things to her while she was sleeping'

I imagine I can't proceed with any family court stuff now until this case is NFA'd so the kids are likely going to see me more of a stranger for a long time. Feels like life is over to be honest.

[Casehardened]

Many false allegations are made to further custody issues

I should clarify that in my post above my reference to custody was in the sense of achieving custody of children, however your interpretation of her making the allegation to deflect investigation of the DV allegation is equally valid; you can imagine her then being shepherded from the functional interview room to the comfy rape suite!

[Casehardened]

I imagine I can't proceed with any family court stuff now until this case is NFA'd

Sadly I believe you are correct in this.

[Nosleepforweeks]

Sadly I believe you are correct in this.

Thanks. This is worse than a living nightmare. I don't know what to do now. I'm out of answers. For legal aid purposes, I'm going to need some proof that she was arrested for GBH, or that I was a victim of domestic violence. I can't see the police or social services giving that to me. I could try my GP as she's seen my wounds. How else can I get legal aid? Do the social services have an obligation to give me a letter that mentions my partner was arrested for GBH and some explanation as to why my children were allowed back with their Mum who beat me, bruised me, attacked me with a knife (all of this witnessed by our children), has a proven history of child neglect and neglects them?