Total Shock I can't cope

[Franticwithworry]

You feel sorry for her because you are a decent human being, and you loved her, once.

I'm glad that you have had a good experience with a police officer and that you are feeling a bit more optimistic about the future. Life as a single parent is not easy, but many things worth doing are not. :-)

Keep haning in there; there's every reason to be confident that the NFA will come in due course.

[Nosleepforweeks]

You feel sorry for her because you are a decent human being, and you loved her, once.

I'm glad that you have had a good experience with a police officer and that you are feeling a bit more optimistic about the future. Life as a single parent is not easy, but many things worth doing are not. :-)

Keep haning in there; there's every reason to be confident that the NFA will come in due course.

Frantic you're absolutely right. I did love her, once. But not anymore. Now I need to secure my kids and she needs to take baby steps in order to rebuild her relationship with them. But she's not even playing ball to that. She told my family solicitor the other day that she's not sure if she'll even attend the next family court hearing. Cafcass won't like that.

It's coming up to 2 months now since her false allegations of historic rape, which never happened. She alleged 3 counts, and I have a witness for one, or at least someone who was in the same house. I hope I never need to call on that witness.

She's told the police she lied about the allegations. As of Now, I don't know what she's doing. My solicitor said she's gone back to Suffolk again, after living in a known sex working flat where she has friends. I think she's lying about being in Suffolk but who knows.

When I spoke to the DS last week (not the OIC who won't get back to me at all) he said that it takes a while to close a case with these kind of allegations. My heads gone a bit crazy again, wondering why it's taking so long to hear anything. Are they waiting for the CPS? Or is it so low on their priority list that they've put it on the backburner? The longer this drags on the more I fear getting the shock of my life and being charged.

Again, my Barrister says it will be NFA, does he know something I don't? And he said that police and social services would not let me have care and control of my kids if this was going to go to trial. I'm so worried because if I lose the kids they most likely will go into care. And since the allegations I've built up a portfolio of harassment from her, logged it with police, printed out emails at 1am with her begging to come back, and above all I got both a Non Molestation and Occupation order granted instantly in the family court. The OIC knows this.

Or has my FA re retracted her statement again? Who knows.

I really need closure. There are children involved. But I'm getting nothing.

[Franticwithworry]

Message to Crazy Head - come in Crazy Head! :-)

The DS said it takes time to close these kinds of cases - plural - not just your case, so don't take anything personally.

The OIC's behaviour is rude and insensitive, but calls are probably not getting returned because there is nothing to tell you. Of course, from your point of view, a little reassurance goes a long way, but reassurance for the accused is not what most OIC's are interested in. Just take note of what the DS said. He's right.

As for your barrister, I doubt that he knows any more than you do, but he's talking from a position of experience and general knowledge. Trust him.

I know you need closure, but it won't come any quicker for fretting for it. Seriously, you have a baby girl's first birthday and 2 children's Christmas to look forward to. They are not far away in the grand scheme of things. Focus on them and you might find closure comes as a good surprise when you are not thinking about it. If not, you can refocus then and perhaps ask for an update.

Remember your experience from years ago with the text messages. That took 3 months and this is bound to take longer. Again, seriously, give it 6 at least. If you haven't heard by then, your solicitor/barrister could be asked to get an update for you.

Stay here for support when you get wobbly - it's a vile situation to be in, but it will resolve, given time.

[Nosleepforweeks]

Message to Crazy Head - come in Crazy Head! :-)

The DS said it takes time to close these kinds of cases - plural - not just your case, so don't take anything personally.

The OIC's behaviour is rude and insensitive, but calls are probably not getting returned because there is nothing to tell you. Of course, from your point of view, a little reassurance goes a long way, but reassurance for the accused is not what most OIC's are interested in. Just take note of what the DS said. He's right.

As for your barrister, I doubt that he knows any more than you do, but he's talking from a position of experience and general knowledge. Trust him.

I know you need closure, but it won't come any quicker for fretting for it. Seriously, you have a baby girl's first birthday and 2 children's Christmas to look forward to. They are not far away in the grand scheme of things. Focus on them and you might find closure comes as a good surprise when you are not thinking about it. If not, you can refocus then and perhaps ask for an update.

Remember your experience from years ago with the text messages. That took 3 months and this is bound to take longer. Again, seriously, give it 6 at least. If you haven't heard by then, your solicitor/barrister could be asked to get an update for you.

Stay here for support when you get wobbly - it's a vile situation to be in, but it will resolve, given time.

I called my Barrister today. He said pretty much the same. I started to say that I can provide evidence for her allegations and he said "Stop right there. You've no case to answer for. I've just had a case where there was evidence involved and we got a Not Guilty. You focus on your family, these allegations will have no effect on your family case or hearings"

We agreed that I'd contact him in a fortnight. He did mention his general frustration with this particular Met team, and he said allegations and cases are taking months. He said he's still waiting for an update for a client from an allegation made in February.

So I'm going to back off. What will be will be. I still find myself feeling sorry for her but it's getting easier. Time is a great thing in certain circumstances.

[Franticwithworry]

That all sounds really good. Hang in there and keep the faith, as they say. (Whoever 'they' are!)

[Nosleepforweeks]

That all sounds really good. Hang in there and keep the faith, as they say. (Whoever 'they' are!)

Sorry to keep banging the same drum but I can't stop feeling sorry for her. She's lost everything. She hasn't even collected her clothes and valuables. She's mentally cracking up. My solicitor cant even get through to her phone anymore. This is a trap I must resist. If I didn't come clean to the police I'd be homeless right now.

Again I will not take her back. And as I write this I'm feeling silly, thinking to myself MAN UP. But I'd like to think I've got a good heart. Perhaps she didn't realise how serious making up lies about such a serious crime to the police would be. On the flipside I've steadied the ship family wise, and she is going to accept she has to take baby steps to rebuild a relationship with the kids.

Don't know what I'm ranting about really. Just sad the way things have happened but once the FA line is crossed, there's no going back. Remember she's abandoned her 2 other kids too. I need to be more ruthless in my thinking.

[Franticwithworry]

Sorry to keep banging the same drum but I can't stop feeling sorry for her. She's lost everything. She hasn't even collected her clothes and valuables. She's mentally cracking up. My solicitor cant even get through to her phone anymore. This is a trap I must resist. If I didn't come clean to the police I'd be homeless right now.

Again I will not take her back. And as I write this I'm feeling silly, thinking to myself MAN UP. But I'd like to think I've got a good heart. Perhaps she didn't realise how serious making up lies about such a serious crime to the police would be. On the flipside I've steadied the ship family wise, and she is going to accept she has to take baby steps to rebuild a relationship with the kids.

Don't know what I'm ranting about really. Just sad the way things have happened but once the FA line is crossed, there's no going back. Remember she's abandoned her 2 other kids too. I need to be more ruthless in my thinking.

It's not surprising that your emotions are all over the place. This is the woman you loved, the mother of your children and she's rejecting and abandoning you all. The fact that she's done it to other children makes things easier in some respects and harder in others.

You clearly have a VERY good heart, and while there's no going back on a false accusation, it doesn't mean that your emotions get turned off like a tap. Maybe she didn't realise the seriousness of her accusations. Maybe she won't take those baby steps to maintain a relationship with her children. She hasn't with the others, and it's all her responsibility, not yours.

This is a pattern for her that only she can change and only if she wants to. Be kind to yourself. You spent several years with her - it will take more than a few weeks to have her in your emotional past.

Rant all you need. It's what we're here for.

[Nosleepforweeks]

Update

Hi All,

Today has been one of the best days of my life. I have been awarded a permanent final order for custody/Residence of my children. I am over the moon!

Just a couple of strange things though. Firstly, Cafcass and social services say they've done their checks and I've 'Been cleared' of my ex's false allegations. In their reports it also says the investigation has 'Been dropped' Now, I know from experience that Cafcass and social services can basically tell you what you had for dinner last night, so the fact that it comes from them is a little reassuring. I've had no contact with my ex but I do know that she retracted her allegations and unfortunately, she is not very well mentally, she's experiencing delusions.

Around 5 weeks ago 2 officers from the specialist sexual assault unit came to my door asking if I knew where she was as they were concerned about her welfare. I explained that there are injunctions in place to prevent her from coming to this house, so how would I know and so on. The officers (who were plain clothes and one of them is/was the one dealing with her FA's) acknowledged the injunctions but again seemed very keen to see if I knew where she was. They were very friendly, and this felt like a genuine welfare check as they commented on how much I've been through this year. They didn't even ask to come in. We spoke on my doorstep and they could see my kids having supper in the background. I asked them if the FA's had been NFA'd and they said Yes, and they are sitting on their bosses desk 'about to be signed off' They told me not to worry.

Frustratingly, my criminal Barrister has not heard anything from them. When I told him about this police visit he seemed annoyed that nobody had contacted him and he sent an email to the OIC asking for confirmation of closure. Of course he got no reply. He's even sent the OIC one more email but got no reply again.

So as you can imagine, I'm chuffed that I have my children. But their Mother is completely missing, her phone is dead, my Mum has even emailed her to try to arrange for her to see the children but got no reply.

And most important of All, and the thing I dread most is this FA being dragged up again after I've just got through an all mighty battle with social services ( who are another corrupt outfit on the whole. You do get the occasional good social worker but not in my case) and me risking losing my kids due to these FA's which I'm not sure if they've been dropped or not.

Any thoughts appreciated.

[Franticwithworry]

Firstly, congratulations!!! :-) Getting a permanent order is a HUGE thing for you and your children. :-)

Secondly, I'm beginning to think that you and we have the same MET team - slower than the Pitch Drop Experiment. :-(

Honestly, I think that your case is probably bottom of the list of priorities and getting the official NFA will come in time, but there is no need to worry in the meantime. It's a nuisance that you don't have official reassurance but that's all it need and should be. Try not to give it another thought. You have so many people telling you that it's on it's way, rely on that. The fact is that it's not 'official' doesn't affect whether or not it can be resurrected but the chances of that happening are minimal anyway. It could be months before you get anything in writing, but being told that it has been NFA'd if what you need to focus on.

As for your wife being missing, she isn't really. She's disappeared and closed all the doors of contact. It appears that she wants nothing more to do with you or her children, which on the one hand is very sad but on the other is how it needs to be in order for you and your children to lead happy, productive lives without risk of her causing you all mental health problems. You can, if you let it happen, spend years mourning the loss of your children's mother, or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and focus on creating a wonderful and happy childhood for them. They will doubtless ask questions about their mother in time, but if you are in a place of mental good health, you will be able to deal with that with facts, love and kindness and without transferring your anxiety to them. Truly, life is hard enough as a single parent without fretting about the welfare of the absent parent. She is responsible for herself, and if she wants to disappear, there are HUGE benefits for you in that.

Congratulations again on the permanent order and I hope you and your children have a lovely, stress-free Christmas.

[Nosleepforweeks]

Firstly, congratulations!!! :-) Getting a permanent order is a HUGE thing for you and your children. :-)

Secondly, I'm beginning to think that you and we have the same MET team - slower than the Pitch Drop Experiment. :-(

Honestly, I think that your case is probably bottom of the list of priorities and getting the official NFA will come in time, but there is no need to worry in the meantime. It's a nuisance that you don't have official reassurance but that's all it need and should be. Try not to give it another thought. You have so many people telling you that it's on it's way, rely on that. The fact is that it's not 'official' doesn't affect whether or not it can be resurrected but the chances of that happening are minimal anyway. It could be months before you get anything in writing, but being told that it has been NFA'd if what you need to focus on.

As for your wife being missing, she isn't really. She's disappeared and closed all the doors of contact. It appears that she wants nothing more to do with you or her children, which on the one hand is very sad but on the other is how it needs to be in order for you and your children to lead happy, productive lives without risk of her causing you all mental health problems. You can, if you let it happen, spend years mourning the loss of your children's mother, or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and focus on creating a wonderful and happy childhood for them. They will doubtless ask questions about their mother in time, but if you are in a place of mental good health, you will be able to deal with that with facts, love and kindness and without transferring your anxiety to them. Truly, life is hard enough as a single parent without fretting about the welfare of the absent parent. She is responsible for herself, and if she wants to disappear, there are HUGE benefits for you in that.

Congratulations again on the permanent order and I hope you and your children have a lovely, stress-free Christmas.

Thanks Frantic.

I am much less worried now than I was before. Mainly because I know I'm innocent and the family courts would not have granted me a permanent order without checking those FA's out.

Yes we may have the same team. My barrister hates them. If you take the first 3 letters of their team name it's kind of how they are behaving, like Saps. You can also associate their name with a type of jewellery. Think I've given a big clue as to what team it is.

Yeah they're busy I get that. But an email takes 30 seconds.

Anyway I'm going to put this in the back of my mind. Not letting it ruin my life plans.

This year has opened my eyes a lot. Opened my eyes to corruption in our child protection system, police, and has actually made me somewhat anti police. People will say it's not their fault. But a lot of this is their fault. Lost statements, lack of communication, stereotyping.

[Franticwithworry]

Yes that was a big clue :-) i think that they cover the whole of london with lots of small teams of officers scattered about. I was told that the OIC on our case is horribly slow, but it seems to be a feature of many. :-(

As you seem to be so pleased with your legal team and barrister, would you put their details in the recommendation thread so that others may benefit, please? And please keep popping in here - the current euphoria mat wear off and leave you feeling flat and in need of more support and we're here as long as you need us. Oh, and please let us know when you finally get the official NFA so we can dish out the customary bananas. :-)

[Nosleepforweeks]

Yes that was a big clue :-) i think that they cover the whole of london with lots of small teams of officers scattered about. I was told that the OIC on our case is horribly slow, but it seems to be a feature of many. :-(

As you seem to be so pleased with your legal team and barrister, would you put their details in the recommendation thread so that others may benefit, please? And please keep popping in here - the current euphoria mat wear off and leave you feeling flat and in need of more support and we're here as long as you need us. Oh, and please let us know when you finally get the official NFA so we can dish out the customary bananas. :-)

I will post 2 recommendations, one for the best family law solicitor and barrister in the UK, for whom people are having issues with social services, these will fight them, and are probably the only legal team that will truly fight social services. They are a movement, they do no work for local authorities they are purely parent focused. They get adoptions overturned.

The second recommendation I will post is for my criminal barrister, Robert Berg who when you look at his case history, speaks for itself. I have been neither charged or bailed so no legal aid even, but he has been in regular contact with me since July free of charge, and emails me at weekends, nights, and is just the sort that goes the extra mile. He wrote the script for 'line of duty' He takes legal aid clients.

Links going up in appropriate threads now.

[Franticwithworry]

Thank you, you're a star! :-)

[Nosleepforweeks]

Thank you, you're a star! :-)

IT'S OFFICIAL

NFA

Over the moon!!

[Franticwithworry]

Fabulous news!! The best christmas present!!!

Please consider popping in here sometimes to offer support. It would be much appreciated.