Total Shock I can't cope

[Nosleepforweeks]

Brilliant news!!
So pleased you have your children safely with you. Hope you and they are coping, the children's mother obviously needs professional help.
You have done amazingly well, been very level headed and put the welfare of your children before the false allegations, now they are in your safe environment I hope the latter issues fizzle out and you get the result we are all waiting for, fingers are hovering over the banana buttons.
Today will be a new day.

Thanks

So on the family front, injunction and child custody forms have been sent off to the family court. My case is quite strong. My solicitor offered my children's mother the chance of contact with the kids but she declined, saying she will not be returning to London anytime soon. She has been harassing me, we're talking 20-30 calls per day and I have endless texts from her begging me to answer and take her back. The children are in my care and I've also started steps to take her off the tenancy here. She has called the child benefit people to surrender her claim and said that I,the Dad is the main carer of the children now. And rightly so. She has been told NOT to contact me or go to my address by my family solicitor. Since then I haven't had a single call from her.

Now on the 'criminal front' She has admitted to my family solicitor that she attempted to call the police to retract her statement, but could not get through to the Officer in charge, but told another officer why she called, to sayher allegations were false. She told my solicitor she'd try and call again. I have that in black and white at least.
My criminal solicitor/Barrister has been pressing the OIC for closure on this case but still hasn't received a response. I've also emailed the OIC to ask for an update and to report harassment from her, and that I can prove this by texts she sent and endless missed calls.

Now I have my kids back, the flat is secure, but I am still constantly thinking about why this hasn't yet been NFA'd when her GBH on me for which I had evidence of bruising was NFA'd within 48 hours. When I asked my solicitor if he thought it'd go to crown court he said 'it won't' and they probably want to speak to her one final time to make sure she wasn't forced to retract her statement. But, this woman is erratic and unpredictable. WHY are the police dragging this on? I am almost surely going to get custody of my kids as she surrendered them and I have so much evidence against her being an unfit mother.

But it all seems too good to be true. If this ends up going to trial then I could lose the kids possibly.

Why do the police put people through this emotional torture? For Lies? There's no evidence, no DNA no forensics, just lies. Plus since making these allegations she's called me 20-30 times a day and on the odd occasion I did answer, I got verbal abuse and begging to come back from her, plus the texts.

Things have got better but there's still this dark cloud hanging over my head. And looks like I'll need to fork out a few hundred on a new phone as that doesn't look like it's coming back as it's been taken away by the police. They won't find anything on there apart from sports videos and texts to friends and family.

[Franticwithworry]

The family court stuff couldn't be better for you and I hope that it doesn't take long before the new arrangements, with you as sold parent, is formalised by the court.

The police stuff will grind more slowly I'm afraid, especially if your wife hasn't yet talked to the OIC. Your solicitor putting pressure on will help, but as I say, it will likely take more time than you would like, but though I can't make promises, obviously, it would be surprising if, with all this evidence, things go badly enough for you to lose your children. It's a horrible waiting game, but spades of patience will stand you in good stead.

Electronics are the same waiting game too. Would a cheapie PAYG phone do for the time being, as it does seem possible that, with the solicitor you have, you won't be waiting too much longer. Maybe a few months at most. We are still waiting for electronics seized almost 2 years ago and though they returned a few things a few months ago, have been told we won't get the rest back until a decision is made, so having to make alternative arrangements and replace stuff seems to be pretty standard.

Not right, but standard.

I'm so glad that you got such a good result in terms of getting your children back and that you have so much strong evidence. As I say, you need spades of patience right now.

[Nosleepforweeks]

The family court stuff couldn't be better for you and I hope that it doesn't take long before the new arrangements, with you as sold parent, is formalised by the court.

The police stuff will grind more slowly I'm afraid, especially if your wife hasn't yet talked to the OIC. Your solicitor putting pressure on will help, but as I say, it will likely take more time than you would like, but though I can't make promises, obviously, it would be surprising if, with all this evidence, things go badly enough for you to lose your children. It's a horrible waiting game, but spades of patience will stand you in good stead.

Electronics are the same waiting game too. Would a cheapie PAYG phone do for the time being, as it does seem possible that, with the solicitor you have, you won't be waiting too much longer. Maybe a few months at most. We are still waiting for electronics seized almost 2 years ago and though they returned a few things a few months ago, have been told we won't get the rest back until a decision is made, so having to make alternative arrangements and replace stuff seems to be pretty standard.

Not right, but standard.

I'm so glad that you got such a good result in terms of getting your children back and that you have so much strong evidence. As I say, you need spades of patience right now.

Great advice.

But why are they dragging this? Are they waiting for the CPS? My Solicitor doesn't think so. Just concerned as if it went to trial or anything worse, my kids could be taken into care, as the mother is deemed unfit. Good to know that this is normal for it to drag on though. Last time I had the kids and she went away, the police took my children away and that was all to do with the FA. Even in the worst case, if somehow the message didn't get through to the OIC, the fact that I've got all this proof of harassment and her begging to come back would go against her, and if it ever went to trial, my Barrister would surely tie her up in knots with the questioning and cross examination.

If she's asked to come back to London to make another statement, I doubt she'll go. She didn't even attend the high court hearing, and there's a good chance she won't attend the family court hearing. But again, she's admitted to my solicitor in an email that she attempted to call the police to said she lied,but spoke to another officer and not the OIC.

It's at this time of night, when the kids are in bed that I get these thoughts, and resentment towards the police. My family solicitor is not concerned about the FA effecting my child custody application, as it's in my statement that she called the police to admit her allegations were false. I've gone no contact with her now, as advised by my solicitors.

When I spoke to her and explained why I do not wish to receive any calls from her due to her accusing me of a horrific act to save her skin, she started comparing and going into the past saying how she's been 'affected' No, sorry my dear but you cannot compare a domestic argument to waving knives around and accusing me of rape. She doesn't understand the seriousness of what she's done. I know how hard a charge for PCJ can be to get, but if it ever happened to her then I wouldn't feel sorry for her. I can't let emotion get in the way of the safety, routine, and welfare of my kids.

Do NFA's take months to get confirmed by police? Because I can't help but think I'll end up being charged for lies then the kids may be taken from me. I explained to the OIC in my email that the kids are back with me as the mother surrendered them saying she couldn't cope, and that social services have no concerns.

[Nosleepforweeks]

And yep, my solicitor is doing all he can. He is chasing them like no tomorrow and as I haven't been charged, he's doing it out of good will. He also contributed to the script writing of the TV programme, 'Line of Duty' so he is well known. But he can only chase so much.

[Franticwithworry]

They aren't dragging it, they are just not hurrying it. Please don't despair. I know that the evenings, when you are alone because the children are sleeping, can seem interminable, and your imagination can run riot, but try to keep positive and dwell on the pluses in your situation - and there are many.

The police will get to dealing with your case when they get to it and it could take a few more weeks or longer. There's no telling, but the call will likely come out of the blue when you least expect it. Truth is, they don't give a moment's though to how long it's taking or the trauma and torture you are enduring. It's even more in your favour that your wife is unlikely to co-operate, so please, if you can, concentrate on enjoying your children, and dig for that patience I mentioned.

Time flies when they are so little and before you know it, this time will be gone, and the cloud that is weighing so heavily on you will be long in the past. It's hard, I know. I feel as though I've been in limbo for ever and it's not me that's accused, but I know it's important to realise that time can never be got back. My children are all grown and flown and it doesn't seem 5 minutes since they were babies. Don't let the black cloud make you lose any of your children's babyhood. Your wife and the system aren't worth it.

[Casehardened]

Such wise words (as always!) from FWW regarding your children and can I just add, from years of reading members stories on the forum, beware of misplaced anger.

Many folks want to call down thunder and brimstone onto the police for putting them through this ordeal but somehow excusing whoever started the ball rolling in the first place.

Remember that the police have been directed to always initially believe the complainants story in sexual and DV cases, and yes I know that means they should have also believed you, but then that is the gender issue at play!

Look at the situation from the detectives viewpoint: they can see an obviously revenge motivated false accusation; should they spend a lot of time and effort tidying this one up or ought they first concentrate on sorting a genuine one?

It will be tempting to make it up with your partner for the sake of the children but always keep in mind that she now knows what a powerful tool a rape accusation is (and yes, the police will still investigate another allegation, see above!)

[Franticwithworry]

And wise words from Casehardened too. He is right - anger need to be directed at the FA first and foremost. The police are working within the confines of a ridiculous and biased system and contrary to popular belief, there are police officers who don't like the system any more than we do. True, if you run up against one/some who have been biased, negligent or heaven forbid, corrupt, (and there are some), then let anger motivate you to deal with that, but for the time being, your focus for anger needs to be your wife, if only to make sure that it helps you to keep her at arms length. She is the one who began this sorry situation, not the police.

Sadly, we have come to believe that there can be no second chances for accusers, as we learned the hard way that, even if you have no contact with them, they can try to resurrect and accusation or start a new one when they think that they have a new authority figure who will take them seriously. Goodness knows what would have happened if we'd gone the 'never mind what's done is done so lets try to mend this relationship' route.

If your wife EVER wants access to your children you need to take steps to ensure that you ever never alone with her at any handover and take any steps necessary to protect yourself from future allegations. I cannot stress that enough.

[Nosleepforweeks]

And wise words from Casehardened too. He is right - anger need to be directed at the FA first and foremost. The police are working within the confines of a ridiculous and biased system and contrary to popular belief, there are police officers who don't like the system any more than we do. True, if you run up against one/some who have been biased, negligent or heaven forbid, corrupt, (and there are some), then let anger motivate you to deal with that, but for the time being, your focus for anger needs to be your wife, if only to make sure that it helps you to keep her at arms length. She is the one who began this sorry situation, not the police.

Sadly, we have come to believe that there can be no second chances for accusers, as we learned the hard way that, even if you have no contact with them, they can try to resurrect and accusation or start a new one when they think that they have a new authority figure who will take them seriously. Goodness knows what would have happened if we'd gone the 'never mind what's done is done so lets try to mend this relationship' route.

If your wife EVER wants access to your children you need to take steps to ensure that you ever never alone with her at any handover and take any steps necessary to protect yourself from future allegations. I cannot stress that enough.

Wise words indeed from you both.

Today she called the landline,I cut her short but she got a message across to me. She said that the police contacted her (The OIC) and she said that there was never any rape, and she lied. They apparently told her that the police may come to her new home in Suffolk (different police force) to get a statement. but if this is true, then we are close to an NFA.

My solicitor has also FINALLY had a reply from the OIC, the OIC sent a short email acknowledging the distress this whole affair is causing me, but they need to tie up a few loose ends on their end. Hopefully that's a good thing. I don't know.

She's also declined a contact arrangement this weekend which was to be facilitated by my Mother. So she's not even making an effort to see the children. In my C100 custody statement it states contact must take place at a contact centre. A bit Jeremy Kyle style but given the circumstances that's the safest option.

Just praying for closure now. I think the police just want to check she wasn't forced into retracting her FA before it's NFA'd. But I still don't trust her. She's also been taken off the tenancy here at the family home so at least she won't be banging on the door at silly o'clock drunk or something.

Maybe I'll keep my cheap smartphone for the time being, as my phone may be returned soon? Who knows.

[Franticwithworry]

I'm wary of reading anything into anything but in this case I'll make an exception, and if it were me I'd be thinking that what the OIC had to say was a good sign too. Even Jeremy Kyle has the occasional common sense moment so I'm glad to hear that a contact centre is a requirement. It's probably good for you just now that all offers of contact are being rejected. Your safety and that of your children is of the utmost importance.

It sounds as though you've done everything as reasonably and sensibly as could possibly be, so in spite of your conviction that you could not cope, I hope that you are proud of yourself that you've got this far and are hopefully very close to the end of this particular nightmare.

Of course, it's always sad when a relationship involving children comes to an end, but you are clearly a loving, caring Dad, who has family support (hurray for Mums (and Dads)!! We never outgrow the need for them. :-) ), who can and will make a great success of being a single Dad. Like as not, when this challenge is over there will be another one on the horizon, but that's the nature of the human condition. Hang in there - it sounds as though an NFA isn't very far away, and it's better that all the loose ends are tied up than they come back later because something got forgotten, don't you think?

Please keep us posted. There are lots of people who will be rooting for you.

[Nosleepforweeks]

I'm wary of reading anything into anything but in this case I'll make an exception, and if it were me I'd be thinking that what the OIC had to say was a good sign too. Even Jeremy Kyle has the occasional common sense moment so I'm glad to hear that a contact centre is a requirement. It's probably good for you just now that all offers of contact are being rejected. Your safety and that of your children is of the utmost importance.

It sounds as though you've done everything as reasonably and sensibly as could possibly be, so in spite of your conviction that you could not cope, I hope that you are proud of yourself that you've got this far and are hopefully very close to the end of this particular nightmare.

Of course, it's always sad when a relationship involving children comes to an end, but you are clearly a loving, caring Dad, who has family support (hurray for Mums (and Dads)!! We never outgrow the need for them. :-) ), who can and will make a great success of being a single Dad. Like as not, when this challenge is over there will be another one on the horizon, but that's the nature of the human condition. Hang in there - it sounds as though an NFA isn't very far away, and it's better that all the loose ends are tied up than they come back later because something got forgotten, don't you think?

Please keep us posted. There are lots of people who will be rooting for you.

I sure will keep you posted. The support here is fantastic. This is the latest email to my solicitor from the OIC:

I am in the process of dealing with this and will update you when I have made some headway. I appreciate the position your client is in but these things will have to be checked independently by myself and my colleagues before no further action can be authorised

Again I hope this is a good sign. Then I can focus on my family.

[Franticwithworry]

I sure will keep you posted. The support here is fantastic. This is the latest email to my solicitor from the OIC:

I am in the process of dealing with this and will update you when I have made some headway. I appreciate the position your client is in but these things will have to be checked independently by myself and my colleagues before no further action can be authorised

Again I hope this is a good sign. Then I can focus on my family.

I don't think you could ask for better from the police under the circumstances. I just hope for your sake that it doesn't take them too long to do their checking. I'm so glad that the support you were offered was what you needed. You are making fantastic use of it :-)

[Nosleepforweeks]

I don't think you could ask for better from the police under the circumstances. I just hope for your sake that it doesn't take them too long to do their checking. I'm so glad that the support you were offered was what you needed. You are making fantastic use of it :-)

I know. I would be so disappointed if it wasn't NFA'd. My FA called me as soon as the police called her to say she came clean with the truth. But until I hear it from the horses mouth or in black and white, I will still have some doubt. Everything is set up perfectly for my kids, both are in nursery already, my eldest is 18 months and youngest is 8 months, we have a lovely 3 bed flat, car, etc. The family court hearings should be straight forward, as my FA has already surrendered.

So, (and sorry to put you guys on the spot) if you were or are a gambling Man/Woman, would your money be on an NFA? I suppose the only thing that could prevent this would be if my FA said she was forced to withdraw her accusations. But I'm no expert, and this the first time I've been accused of such a horrific crime.

[lazy lass]

Great to hear your children are well taken care of and are in a very stable environment, and that's down to you,determination and your love for them.
Things seem to be going very well and hoping that it carries on, nothing moves quick enough when your waiting for good news, but surely it won't be too long until you and your children can live your lives in peace and look forward to a brighter future

[Franticwithworry]

No-one has a crystal ball, so scepticism is good and healthy. I will be very disappointed for you, too, if this accusation goes any further, and while I'm not a betting woman, I can't see how it cannot be NFA'd to be honest. I'm no expert though, and as you said, hearing it or seeing it I'm black and white is the only way to be sure. I'm sorry I can't be more reassuring than that. There are no real guidelines on this kind of thing, but you do seem to have a reasonable OIC and you have a very capable solicitor. That counts for a lot.

In the meantime, I hope you can concentrate on those babies of yours, and they bring you much joy while you wait.

[Nosleepforweeks]

No-one has a crystal ball, so scepticism is good and healthy. I will be very disappointed for you, too, if this accusation goes any further, and while I'm not a betting woman, I can't see how it cannot be NFA'd to be honest. I'm no expert though, and as you said, hearing it or seeing it I'm black and white is the only way to be sure. I'm sorry I can't be more reassuring than that. There are no real guidelines on this kind of thing, but you do seem to have a reasonable OIC and you have a very capable solicitor. That counts for a lot.

In the meantime, I hope you can concentrate on those babies of yours, and they bring you much joy while you wait.

I am kept very busy with the children that's for sure. But I have nightmares (literally) of being charged, and the kids returning to their Mother and being neglected again.

Thing is, she's in Suffolk, the police force that are dealing with this are in London. If they need a final statement to confirm she was not the victim of witness intimidation, how would they get it? She won't be coming back to London anytime soon. She didn't even attend the high court hearing, and won't come here to see the kids. I hope this won't delay things. Hopefully they can get someone from Suffolk Police to get that statement, or perhaps they don't need a statement.

As you can see, my head is still all over the shop once the kids are in bed.

I want Bananas Dammit Lol
if I get bananas I'll run a 100 metres quicker than Usain Bolt