Non recent false sexual abuse allegations

[Casehardened]

[I have merged the two threads as they both relate to the same event and it's better to have all replies in one location]

[Lostmummy]

Thank you casehardened.

[can it get worse]

So very sorry to that you have found yourselves on this forum.

However, keep posting and you will find it a life line during this experience.

During my partner's arrest through to trial, I constantly scoured the forum trying to find hope that this will be over quickly. Unfortunately, like others have already said - this is often a long wait.

You have already received some good advice and it sounds like you're doing everything you can. Perhaps you could check if your solicitor has experience in historic allegations.

And be very mindful that the police are not your friend - I'm sure with your background, you will be well aware of that.

Social Services will be notified. Their actions appear to vary in different areas.

Hold tight, try to distract yourselves. Your mind will be working overtime (I know from experience). Keep strong.....

[Lostmummy]

Thank you for your reply and your advice. It's very helpful and I will take it all on board. He has his "voluntary interview" this week and will be attending with this solicitor.

Regarding the social services - I am honestly heartbroken; how can this false allegations have such a snowball effect on my lovely children? What can the SS do? I am so worried my children will be removed. I am such a fantastic mother and my husband and I love them with all our hearts. This is torture!

[Peter1975]

Thank you for your reply and your advice. It's very helpful and I will take it all on board. He has his "voluntary interview" this week and will be attending with this solicitor.

Regarding the social services - I am honestly heartbroken; how can this false allegations have such a snowball effect on my lovely children? What can the SS do? I am so worried my children will be removed. I am such a fantastic mother and my husband and I love them with all our hearts. This is torture!

Hi Lostmummy.

I'm sorry to read of yet more false allegations turning lives upside down. I would have posted earlier but I can't add to the good advice already given. It doesn't seem that the police see this as a high priority and there is every good chance that this end in NFA. I wish I could tell you for sure that everything will be ok but try not to panic.

My own tuppence worth on the voluntary interview is to suggest that your OH asks to take a "lie detector test". For all intents and purposes there is no such thing but it will be recorded that he wanted to try and prove his innocence.


As for SS involvement, I am no expert but again do not panic. SS won't take your children but they can make your life difficult and like the police, are not to be trusted. Record everything, all calls and conversations that you are party to, just in case. (it is perfectly legal to do this without telling them) Always insist that they put things in writing.

As I understand it, the police should have already notified SS who will decide if any action needs to be taken by them. Sometimes they don't get involved at all and it seems to be a lottery but a common scenario is that the child protection issue is dealt with by bail to return conditions that say, prevent the suspect from unsupervised or overnight contact with children. This often means that the accused has to stay elsewhere away from his/her own children. This may not happen in your case.

The police can only impose bail conditions if they arrest your OH which they may decide to do at the station as you will see happened on other threads. This also may not happen.

If you do hear from SS it is important to understand that they work very differently from the police and will be acting out of concern for the welfare of your children and they will need to be sure that you prioritise their welfare over the father and recognise that there might be a risk.

Sadly, there are genuine cases of horrendous abuse where the mother has been completely oblivious and SS use what they have learned in these cases which means as far as they are concerned, you must take a more neutral stance on your OH's innocence (try not to use the word innocent in front of a SW) and you must show that you take any risk seriously (which I am sure you already do and have dismissed but for SS you should not dismiss it entirely, if that makes sense).

SW can be bullies and many of them do not know the law or how to do their job but they can be stood up to.

Hopefully other members will be along that have dealt with SS to offer some more specific advice.

Good luck

Peter

[can it get worse]

I understand your feelings in respect of SS. They seem to treat all allegations as being true.

However, they take different approaches in different areas.

Their aim is to evaluate whether you will give priority to your children or your partner. They need to be certain that you will protect your children from the perceived risk of harm.

They may manage this by asking you to enter an agreement where your partner cannot be with your or any children unsupervised. It is unlikely that they will remove your children unless you fail to adhere to their contract of agreement. If they do go down this route, it always has to go through court unless they believe the children are in immediate danger.

You may be asked to undertake some work to educate you on signs of abuse. It is important to engage with this.

I struggled deeply with their involvement and felt bureaucracy was the centre of their work rather than thinking about the well being of our children. I am still shocked by our experience. Our children were and are the centre of our universe. We would protect them from all harm at all times. To find ourselves under this scrutiny was upsetting but you have to be strong for the sake of your children. Due to our love of our children, we always maintained a high level of normality. (even though inside I was crying my heart out).

Best Wishes. Take care, keep calm and carry on. No other option xx

[can it get worse]

Hi

Just realised that Peter had replied to your thread before I'd posted my latest one. However he has written far more clearly than what I have done, so sorry that my post repeats what he has already said.

May I add that the police never imposed any bail conditions on my partner. But SS would not allow him to have unsupervised access to any child including ours. This impacted greatly on logistics but had a greater impact as the children were deprived of their rights to family life.

In addition, it is interesting to read of Peter's comment about recording everything. We had to attend many meetings. The minutes were not accurate and were not a true reflection of what was said. We therefore asked permission to record the meetings but were refused. We did not challenge this because we always felt they had greater powers. We felt we had to jump when they said jump in order to avoid any adverse impact against our family.

I hope your experience with SS is not too intrusive and they will handle the situation with sensitivity and open mindedness.

Keep posting .

[SethRogenEnthusiast]

Can't help but ask why people do this. If they saw the genuine heart break and pain I see here then they would surely think twice.
I'm sorry this is happening to you and your husband, I wish you the best of luck in this and hope life may return to normal for you soon.

[Franticwithworry]

It never hurts to have good advice confirmed by someone else, even several someone elses. :-) There is a ver useful 'mantra'you can use with Social Services, given their penchant for misconstruing what people really are trying to say in this impossible situation. You can end up being between a rock and a hard place, and the social workers can interpret what you say however they want.

I'll find the mantra later and post it for you when I'm not struggling on my phone.

I agree with all that's been said here and how awkward they can be. Their job is to 'protect the children' but they have their own agendas and prejudices and don't always see that what they do to children is damaging too. That said, I have to say that you may have a positive experience with them. We did. There were lots of very silly and irritating mistakes made, but their involvement was limited and they have closed their case even though we are still waiting for a charging decision. It's a bit different as the children supposedly 'at risk' don't live with us, but they could have made life a lot more difficult than they did. Some social workers are reasonable people; you just can't assume they will be. :-)

The people who make these accusations, the police and the social workers just don't care about the damage and distress they cause. Often, that is exactly the plan as far as the FA is concerned and the professionals have dagendas to fulfill, jobs to do and boxes to tick. Too often they simply refuse to believe that anyone lies about this stuff.

[Peter1975]

I guess we were typing at the same time CIGW

Any forum is the sum of it's parts and if posts repeat slightly then it means we are on the right track, I was really pleased to see your post as I have no personal experience of SS and my post was just a distillation of others.

The sad fact is that yes, we can't trust SW or police and many members have recorded meetings and calls. I installed a free call and voice recorder on my mobile. Also useful as a reminder when your head is spinning.

There is a fairly interesting article about SS being recorded by parents here :

https://www.theguardian.com/society/...parents-camera

[can it get worse]

I guess we were typing at the same time CIGW

Any forum is the sum of it's parts and if posts repeat slightly then it means we are on the right track, I was really pleased to see your post as I have no personal experience of SS and my post was just a distillation of others.

The sad fact is that yes, we can't trust SW or police and many members have recorded meetings and calls. I installed a free call and voice recorder on my mobile. Also useful as a reminder when your head is spinning.

There is a fairly interesting article about SS being recorded by parents here :

https://www.theguardian.com/society/...parents-camera

Thank you Peter for this link. The article is very observant and a true reflection of some of my feelings towards SS. I did not gain any trust in them and was suspicious in their refusal to allow recordings. This only gave us the impression that they are not transparent. The article does pay reference to the fact that about two years ago SS would have declared parents as being in-cooperative. Ofcourse with all their power, we felt unable to challenge them in case they used their big stick against us.


Anyway - sorry LM for hijacking your thread. I hope you however, gain an insight in to SS. But like FWW points out - there will be many good SW's.