Scared and suicidal - Somebody help (FA sexual assault)

[Fusiondoe]

Hi everybody

Apologies for the long post but I feel it's important to give all details.

I am 24 years old. About 2 weeks ago my partner and I had been out for a night of drinking. We returned to her mothers house at around 6am in the morning being generally drunk, loud and in good spirits. We woke her younger sister up who is 18 to come and drink with us who quite happily obliged.

Around 20 mins later I decided to have a cigarette and the sister joined me in the shed in the garden (this is where we smoke) my partner said she will join in a moment as She just needed the toilet.

Sitting in the shed we were both chatting away together and in my drunken state I put my arm round when and said I love you, you like a sister to me.... she then tried to kiss me, I brushed her off putting it down to a silly 18 year old crush. She then did it again and I pushed her away. I promised not to tell her sister and we left it there.

We sat back down and continued smoking. Her sister came into the shed around 3 mins later and we smoked and chatted for about 10 minutes.

Before I continue it's worth noting that her sister and me banter a lot over txt message, winding each other up etc as a brother and sister would. When I went to bed I txt her and said I love you lots but no that can't happen, maybe in another life.

Anyway.... a few days later I am awoken to police banging my door down, I was arrested for sexual assault/rape and placed in the cells.

When I was interviewed by the horrible officers from the specialist unit I discovered that I have been accused of forcing my tongue down this girls throat, touching her vagina and attempting to 'bend her over' a drum set in the shed. Her statement also reads that I only
Stopped because we was disturbed by her sister/my partner coming in.... rubbish as we were sitting down already when her sister came in.

Thankfully my partner is 100% behind me and has already stated Shen will tell police immediately her version of events as the sheer amount of time between this alleged assault and my partner coming in was just to short for anything to have happened. Also of course that it is a disgusting allegation.

The reason I am so worried is because of the way the police behaved with me. Made me out to be a rapist more or less and a liar and that 'this does not look good for me'... I also can't understand why they have not called my partner for a statement as she can defend me.

I have a solicitor and my bail is set until January 20th 2017 but I am petrified as I have done nothing wrong. I can't shake the feeling that somehow I am going to be found guilty of this as Its my word against hers. Really am ready to go and jump of a bridge right now. I can't eat. I can't sleep.

Somebody please help me, explain the process and what happens now? There is no evidence whatsoever to substantiate her claims but I Ann so frightened as is my partner.

My partner as you can imagine is absolutely livid with her sister.

Thank you everybody

[Franticwithworry]

Hello fusion doe. I'm sorry you've found yourself here but glad you found us, if that makes sense.

Firstly, don't take the attitude of the police personally- it's wrong but they often treat people like that. They are not your friends, they only want a conviction and that is why they don't talk to anyone who can defend you. That's par for the course.

It's likely that nothing much will happen for a while. You have a January bail date so relax as much as you can and try to focus on other things - Christmas for instance. Expect to be all over the place emotionally. A traumatic event like this does that too you - your girlfriend too. It's good that she is supportive because 'a worry shared is a worry halved' kind of thing.

You won't hear from your solicitor at this stage because there isn't anything they can do either. It's a waiting game while the police and then the CPS decide what to do. It can be a very long waiting game. That said, it will help if you write down everything you can think of in relation to the accusation and what happened while you waited for your girlfriend that night. It will give you something to do and clarify your memory. Details get to be important and her 'details' will trip her up as she has no memory of an event that didn't happen.

You have a solicitor but please make sure you have one who is experienced in this area. There is a sticky thread with recommendations here and you don't have to stay with the duty solicitor. His/her experience and interest in the topic of false accusations may prove vital to a good and well-prepared defence if you need one. But you may not. Lots of these cases get NFA (no further action), so nothing is a foregone conclusion.

Finally, come pack here as often as you wish. Your girlfriend too. There is lots of support here for as long as you need it, and you may find comfort in supporting new members as time goes on. Hunker down for a long wait and if it a short one it will be a pleasant surprise!

PS If you find things getting on top of you, talk to your doctor sooner rather than later. Most are shocked by nothing and you don't have to explain the details of your distress if you don't want to anyway. That said, some people benefit from counselling and the drs is the first port of call for that. Keeping communication open with your girlfriend will help too.

[Fusiondoe]

Hello fusion doe. I'm sorry you've found yourself here but glad you found us, if that makes sense.

Firstly, don't take the attitude of the police personally- it's wrong but they often treat people like that. They are not your friends, they only want a conviction and that is why they don't talk to anyone who can defend you. That's par for the course.

It's likely that nothing much will happen for a while. You have a January bail date so relax as much as you can and try to focus on other things - Christmas for instance. Expect to be all over the place emotionally. A traumatic event like this does that too you - your girlfriend too. It's good that she is supportive because 'a worry shared is a worry halved' kind of thing.

You won't hear from your solicitor at this stage because there isn't anything they can do either. It's a waiting game while the police and then the CPS decide what to do. It can be a very long waiting game. That said, it will help if you write down everything you can think of in relation to the accusation and what happened while you waited for your girlfriend that night. It will give you something to do and clarify your memory. Details get to be important and her 'details' will trip her up as she has no memory of an event that didn't happen.

You have a solicitor but please make sure you have one who is experienced in this area. There is a sticky thread with recommendations here and you don't have to stay with the duty solicitor. His/her experience and interest in the topic of false accusations may prove vital to a good and well-prepared defence if you need one. But you may not. Lots of these cases get NFA (no further action), so nothing is a foregone conclusion.

Finally, come pack here as often as you wish. Your girlfriend too. There is lots of support here for as long as you need it, and you may find comfort in supporting new members as time goes on. Hunker down for a long wait and if it a short one it will be a pleasant surprise!

Thank you for your reply!

I just feel sick to my stomach. Can you offer any advice on what the general outcome is for an allegation of this kind with no evidence or even circumstantial evidence? I know you say a lot get NFA but how likely is that in this scenario.

I always loved xmas as I have 2 daughters whom naturally get spoilt. But this year I can't even bring myself to be excited for it

[Silver]

Hi Fusiondoe,

Am new to this site too my user name is Silver,from recent experience due to my husband being arrested and bailed for the most vile "alleged" crime from 30 years ago ,am starting to understand a little bit about the legal process.

Have you any bail conditions?i.e not to contact sister etc.

Same as your girl friend I immediately wrote a character reference for my husband, you need to give this to your solicitor, not the police, this could act as your defence.(just email it)

If the police want any more info they will interview your girlfriend other wise its best to avoid them.In other threads so many people say how the police will try to twist things,its best to say very minimal to the police always with your solicitor present

About the suicidal thoughts, its good to speak with someone unattached to the situation in confidence, we have only told a very few close family, try not to tell the whole neighbourhood etc.Also how about speaking with the GP too?In my experience these feelings should past I think its sometimes just total shock and feeling frozen in time like there's no way out,but you need to remain strong and as you are doing start to build your own defence,xx

[Fusiondoe]

Hi Fusiondoe,

Am new to this site too my user name is Silver,from recent experience due to my husband being arrested and bailed for the most vile "alleged" crime from 30 years ago ,am starting to understand a little bit about the legal process.

Have you any bail conditions?i.e not to contact sister etc.

Same as your girl friend I immediately wrote a character reference for my husband, you need to give this to your solicitor, not the police, this could act as your defence.(just email it)

If the police want any more info they will interview your girlfriend other wise its best to avoid them.In other threads so many people say how the police will try to twist things,its best to say very minimal to the police always with your solicitor present

About the suicidal thoughts, its good to speak with someone unattached to the situation in confidence, we have only told a very few close family, try not to tell the whole neighbourhood etc.Also how about speaking with the GP too?In my experience these feelings should past I think its sometimes just total shock and feeling frozen in time like there's no way out,but you need to remain strong and as you are doing start to build your own defence,xx

Thanks silver! Bail conditions not to contact sister yeah.

Just told gf about character reference, she is going to get on it straight away and also email her version of events to the solicitor.

[Franticwithworry]

I'm sorry, but there really is no predicting what will happen in the long run. Its very variable. Even so, many people say that being charged is not the end of the world as it is the chance to clear your name for good. An NFA means that the matter can be resurrected in the future; an aquittal means it's good ne forever.

Dont get tied up with those possibilities yet. You need to get on an even keel emotionally after this trauma first. Your daughters need you and you can make them a good distraction. They must be quite little.

The other thing to consider is how you and your girlfriend deal with her sister. You may have bail conditions of no contact and you need to stick to those meticulously. Indirect contact isn't a good idea either so your girlfriend should consider her position with her too. Keep all the previous texts if the police didnt keep your phone and stay off social media. As a teenager she may be posting so by all means keep a quiet eye on things and screenshot anything relevant but never ever respond.

Also ask your girlfriend to resist the temptation to ask her sister to withdraw the allegation or, worse, put pressure on her sister to do so. That runs the risk of just making her more determined to see it through. She's very unlikely to have understood the full impact of her accusations.

I'm sorry I can't tell you that this will be over in a few weeks, but these feelings of panic will subside, really they will.

[Mr B]

Sorry to hear you are in this position. Simple advice is to read the forum. The representations of others experiences indicate you are far from alone. You already have a handle on motive (spurned attention) so that already is a plus.

As sagely mentioned above do keep to all your bail conditions 100%. Get a plain book & write down exactly what happended, any thoughts etc you will come back to it. Get organised. Kept it safe. Logic will get you through this...

In the meantime have a look here

www.shrink4men.com

See if the NPD / BPD behaviour for the Personality Disordered resonate with you. For the avoidance of doubt both male & female present with the same frequency so it is not gender bashing despite the inference from the web site URL. It may help.

You are not alone. Come back often. Read & read some more...

Kindest regards
Mr B

[Fusiondoe]

I'm sorry, but there really is no predicting what will happen in the long run. Its very variable. Even so, many people say that being charged is not the end of the world as it is the chance to clear your name for good. An NFA means that the matter can be resurrected in the future; an aquittal means it's good ne forever.

Dont get tied up with those possibilities yet. You need to get on an even keel emotionally after this trauma first. Your daughters need you and you can make them a good distraction. They must be quite little.

The other thing to consider is how you and your girlfriend deal with her sister. You may have bail conditions of no contact and you need to stick to those meticulously. Indirect contact isn't a good idea either so your girlfriend should consider her position with her too. Keep all the previous texts if the police didnt keep your phone and stay off social media. As a teenager she may be posting so by all means keep a quiet eye on things and screenshot anything relevant but never ever respond.

Also ask your girlfriend to resist the temptation to ask her sister to withdraw the allegation or, worse, put pressure on her sister to do so. That runs the risk of just making her more determined to see it through. She's very unlikely to have understood the full impact of her accusations.

I'm sorry I can't tell you that this will be over in a few weeks, but these feelings of panic will subside, really they will.

Duly noted RE indirect contact through GF

I actually suffer with schizo-affective disorder and am susceptible to bouts of psychosis and depression. Until recently things have been going ok, money is good, got contact with my daughters and sorted out somewhere to live, my partner and I are making plans and got our holidays abroad booked for next year.

Life was generally getting better... then this. It's making me so ill

[Franticwithworry]

It is getting better. This is a blip. It is much more likely to be a blip than a disaster. Don't get complacent with that - you have to put the work in to keep it a blip.

My children are all grown up now and I have grandchildren probaly the same age as your daughters. Something happened a while back that had one of my children saying that they really understood what being a parent was all about now - worrying to death about how to fix somethinh while the children remained oblivious and still having fun.

You have got masses on your plate but you've protected your daughters from all of that and are making a good life for you all. You will get through this too, especially if you concentrate on them and your girlfriend and the future you are building.

Making Christmas good for your girls and yourself mentally healthy is part of keeping this a blip, and your lovely girlfriend is your right-hand woman in it all. Keep your eyes on that.

[Fusiondoe]

It is getting better. This is a blip. It is much more likely to be a blip than a disaster. Don't get complacent with that - you have to put the work in to keep it a blip.

My children are all grown up now and I have grandchildren probaly the same age as your daughters. Something happened a while back that had one of my children saying that they really understood what being a parent was all about now - worrying to death about how to fix somethinh while the children remained oblivious and still having fun.

You have got masses on your plate but you've protected your daughters from all of that and are making a good life for you all. You will get through this too, especially if you concentrate on them and your girlfriend and the future you are building.

Making Christmas good for your girls and yourself mentally healthy is part of keeping this a blip, and your lovely girlfriend is your right-hand woman in it all. Keep your eyes on that.

Thank you! Will keep everybody updated via this thread. If anybody else would like to comment then Please do as I can use all the info/support I can get

[Ladyscot]

Hi there,

Can you think why the sister had made up these lies?

In my situation when my man was accused, there was no evidence as nothing happened, so the case got dropped.

Our false accuser was a family member also (adult). I know how bad it is.

Keep us posted and ask any questions.

[Fusiondoe]

Hi there,

Can you think why the sister had made up these lies?

In my situation when my man was accused, there was no evidence as nothing happened, so the case got dropped.

Our false accuser was a family member also (adult). I know how bad it is.

Keep us posted and ask any questions.

Hi ladyscott

Your guess is as good as mine. Reassuring though to hear a similar situation ended in it being dropped.

There is no evidence either in my situation... there can't be because nothing happened.

[kljlrmi]

hi there, I have only joined here two weeks back as I was falsely accused, I have 3 of my own children and 2 step children, keep strong for your kids and things get easier. im on bail till feb20th and pretty much in same boat my head was mashed thinking of every possible outcome! I found the best thing was focussing on my little ones and that took my mind away a little bit.

[Fusiondoe]

hi there, I have only joined here two weeks back as I was falsely accused, I have 3 of my own children and 2 step children, keep strong for your kids and things get easier. im on bail till feb20th and pretty much in same boat my head was mashed thinking of every possible outcome! I found the best thing was focussing on my little ones and that took my mind away a little bit.

Thanks buddy! Doing my best

[Shocked777]

Hi mate,

Sorry to hear your news, with my limited experience it sounds more positive than many cases that this will have the just outcome given the information you've provided.

I was also inexplicably accused of sexual assault this year. In my case the accuser's background (she had made other FA's), my interview and crucially social media messages made it very clear to the police this was false. In your case I should imagine the FA's background, your initial interview and the messages you mention along with your GF's witness statement will be pivotal.

It wasn't until this happened to me that I started looking at things like this in the way they should be. Just know that I believe you. I know you didn't do it. Only those of us this happen to can really understand.

Obviously every case is different, and there are far more learned experienced posters on this forum than myself - but yours really spoke to me. You reminded me of the way I felt and the circumstances are vaguely similar.

My advice would be: don't give up. Fight. It can feel like the world is out to get you and your mind runs away with worst case scenarios. This is normal. Let them run their course. Don't try to figure out why she has done this - she probably doesn't even know. Don't even think about contacting her or writing on social media about the case but DO passively screenshot open source social media profiles she has. Once you hopefully receive your NFA this sort of information can be used to prosecute the FA and/or have the details removed from your Enhanced Criminal Record check (though this is frightfully rare).

In short: chin up, you'll win this and come out a better man on the other side.

If you need someone to talk to please PM me.