Beyond frightened

[wakingnightmare]

Until you're charged there isn't much a Solicitor can do.

Take the time to talk to specialist Solicitors and explain your situation. Will you be Legal Aid or a Private Client.

In my particular circumstances (supporting someone) I used the time on bail to research. I approached the Solicitor by email briefly outlining the case and location asking if they would take in event of charge. This led to a lengthy call between me and Solicitor. At the time person I was supporting wasn't in the right frame of mind to do any of that which the Solicitor understood. They agreed to take on if charged, he was in a position to confirm that himself before he was charged but it all meant that when the charge came a team was in place and he'd already met them. He had liked the Duty Solicitor but there is no way of knowing how good they were/are on these types of allegations.

Take this time to research your options so that if the worst happens you are prepared and more importantly comfortable with your team.

[Dal75]

Hi guys
Just thought I'd check in.
Feeling a bit low today. I've not heard anything from my solicitor or the police. I keep hoping the postman will drop a nfa letter through the door but obviously that's not happed.

Still struggling with sleep and eating so another trip back to the doctors is on the cards now I think. It's anxiety that's getting to me and its debilitating.

Was feeling OK yesterday but I knew all that meant was I can expect a crash within the next couple of days and it began this afternoon.

My sister in law (who my fa 'disclosed' to) was initially being supportive but has now decided to completely ignore me. I get the impression she's decided I did what I'm accused of.

If I'm honest that's no surprise really as she's always been a bit of a s#it stirrer and loves the drama, as long as she's not the one in the spotlight. What does worry me though is what rubbish she fed to the police when they interviewed her.
Knowing her as I do she would not hesitate to lie to them or anyone else who will listen, as long as she gets proven right. She's always been the same.

If she had changed her opinion of me before the police interview, I have no reason to doubt that's exactly what she did.
Nothing I can do about it of course, but it is playing on my mind.

My wife and I have been arguing today. I get the feeling she knows things that she's not willing to tell me even though it affects me directly. I'm wondering if the police hinted they are going to charge me when they interviewed her a few week's back or something.
Or if they have since told her it's going to happen and has been told not to tell me or something.

I'm even starting to wonder if she actually believes my fa and not me. She is still close to her (our daughter) and I'm glad of that, but I can't help but worry she is starting to doubt me.

My wife and kids are my life.
I left all my friends behind back in Essex years ago when I moved here with her and didn't make any more down here so my life has revolved around her and the kids. Without them I have nothing and nobody in my life.

I don't know if the way I'm feeling is a normal process people in my situation go through or I'm being paranoid.

Worried that when I go to answer bail at the end of next month I'm going to be charged. Or rebailed with conditions I can't go home. I don't have anywhere else to go, nobody to turn to and I can't afford a hotel.
I'd hope that if it comes to rebail/charge, I'd still be allowed home with my wife and kids being as my wife is disabled and I'm the sole carer. And my sons are not coping too well with all this anyway so if I'm not allowed to come home after I answer bail it's going to make the situation even worse for them.

Just so many unknowns.

Sorry to rant.

[Franticwithworry]

Rant away - that's what we and the forum are for.

Firstly, if you get rebailed there's no reason for the conditions to be more onerous. You're home now so there's no reason that should change that I can think of.

It's horrible when relatives start off being supportive and then back off and easy for your imagination to work overtime. That's normal, as are the endless 'what if's'. The best you can do is try to keep them under control. It's also normal for you and your wife to argue in these circumstances. The pair of you are under enormous strain. Don't underestimate its effects. Another trip to the doctor is a good idea, and talk, talk, talk to your wife and talk some more if it helps. Her imagination will be working overtime too, so keeping things bottled up won't help either of you.

That said, if you are really isolated with no-one but your family, that's a lot of pressure. It might be worth asking your GP if some counselling can be arranged.

The brain weevils going crazy and telling you that your wife knows that you're going to be charged but that she's been told not to say needs kicking into touch too. It doesn't work like that, it really doesn't. It's understandable that she is is thinking over everything. As a mum and a human being, she must, but you know you are innocent. You need to go through the process you're going through - it's not paranoia - and she needs a bit of space to go through her process too. Try not to worry too much about how she does that, just try to support her doing it - that's where a counsellor might help.

If you can, try not to worry about what other people believe or what they've told the police. You know you're innocent. Dealing with stuff in police interviews comes much later, if at all.You will get to know who supports you and who doesn't and you have no influence over that. Just enjoy the support of those who give it and leave the rest to their own devices. Life will be calmer that way.

Honestly, you're not going mad and you're not paranoid but you need to work at keeping on an even keel. Even the most loving couples wobble when dealing with this stuff. Again, everything you've described is normal. You're likely in for a long wait and several rebails. (We're at number 6 or 7 and the fact that I've lost count should tell you something.) They will get easier to deal with and less worrying as time goes on.

You've a lot on your plate what with 2 young boys, disablement in the family and now all this. Hang in there. It does get easier to manage over time and there are ups and downs along the way.

I hope this downer is very short-lived for you.

[determinedmum]

In this process, bad days can be reallllllly bad! Be kind to yourself and know you are not alone.

Your relationship with your wife is unlikely to be put under any strain greater than this, so consider some arguing to be part of the process but keep talking. Communicating and being congruent with each other will help keep you both sane.

I regularly fight the demons of paranoia, particularly at night - all I can say is try to banish them and exist one day at a time. Self-torture will not make things happen faster, but the sad reality is that it is normal and natural in this situation so don't beat yourself up. Just make sure that after a 'dark day' you get up and move forwards positively, believe in your innocence and find resilience in that.

Deep breath ...!

[Dal75]

Thanks guys.
Both very helpful posts.

My imagination just runs away with me. I've never had mental health problems but since all this started I'm beginning to wonder if it's effects are just now coming to fruition and its damaged me.

I have had nightmares every night since this started. Before this, I'd never had what I would call a nightmare in my life.
I lay in bed at night reliving my arrest and interview. Everything from my arrest to what it will be like in court. What it will be like in prison. What will happen to me while I'm in there. How long I will be in there. What will I do when I get out. What bench or shop doorway will I be sleeping in when I do.
Will I ever see my wife and kids again.
All this stuff goes through my head and then when I sleep I dream about it.
There is just no escaping it, ever.

I'm literally sick to the back teeth of thinking about it and dread sleep when I can actually sleep because I know what's waiting for me.

[Franticwithworry]

Just to be clear - a false accusation, of anything, but especially of a sexual nature, is an assault on your brain; a trauma. There would be something wrong if you DIDN'T feel overwhelmed by it at least some of the time.

Effectively, you've suffered a brain injury. You're injured, not ill and it will take some time to recover. 4 weeks isn't long enough, it really isn't. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. Sleeping is an issue that your doctor can help with. It took me several months before regular nightmares stopped, I still get them sometimes and it isn't me who is accused.

Don't expect too much of yourself, ask for help when you need it and you WILL get through it. Accepting that this is not a quick process from any aspect is the first step.

[Staystrong1]

Hi there
So sorry you are suffering but absolutely want to echo what's been said.
There is in my opinion barring a terminal illness anything more devestating than a FA of this nature.
It decimated me and it was not me but my OH accused. Every emotion you have had I resonate with, illness doctors nightmares anxiety medication, Ill from work all we have been through. But I just wanted to,let you know it's 18 months nearly after a trial and unanimous NG and life has settled. You can get through this. This forum tells you this. It is like an endurance test that you must and will win.
It is totally normal what you are feeling and it's a limbo land you find yourself in. Unfair to leave you hanging.Hopefully an NFA will happen but even if a charge you can overcome it. Remember FA has never been questioned about the truth. The truth will out so keep believing and be as strong and positive as you can be in an impossible situation. Sending positivity to you x

[Dal75]

Just to be clear - a false accusation, of anything, but especially of a sexual nature, is an assault on your brain; a trauma. There would be something wrong if you DIDN'T feel overwhelmed by it at least some of the time.

Effectively, you've suffered a brain injury. You're injured, not ill and it will take some time to recover. 4 weeks isn't long enough, it really isn't. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. Sleeping is an issue that your doctor can help with. It took me several months before regular nightmares stopped, I still get them sometimes and it isn't me who is accused.

Don't expect too much of yourself, ask for help when you need it and you WILL get through it. Accepting that this is not a quick process from any aspect is the first step.

Thank you.

It's hard to believe it's only been just over a month since I was arrested. This feels like it's been going on for eons already. It's hard to remember what things were like before this started. It seems like I'm trying to remember someone else's life, not my own.

It has changed me. I can see it now. Clear as day.

I'd guess I will change a lot more between now and when it's finally finished. No matter what the outcome is, good or bad.

I've seen a lot of people say this will change you in the dozens of posts I've read on here but I didn't really identify with it.

I do now. Now I get it.

[Dal75]

Hi there
So sorry you are suffering but absolutely want to echo what's been said.
There is in my opinion barring a terminal illness anything more devestating than a FA of this nature.
It decimated me and it was not me but my OH accused. Every emotion you have had I resonate with, illness doctors nightmares anxiety medication, Ill from work all we have been through. But I just wanted to,let you know it's 18 months nearly after a trial and unanimous NG and life has settled. You can get through this. This forum tells you this. It is like an endurance test that you must and will win.
It is totally normal what you are feeling and it's a limbo land you find yourself in. Unfair to leave you hanging.Hopefully an NFA will happen but even if a charge you can overcome it. Remember FA has never been questioned about the truth. The truth will out so keep believing and be as strong and positive as you can be in an impossible situation. Sending positivity to you x

Thank you.
I'm glad you and your partners nightmare is over and you can begin to heal.
It's always comforting to read posts like yours. People that have been where I, and many others are, and have come out the other side of it.
At the moment it just feels like an endless dark, cramped tunnel with no escape and no end in sight.

Thank you for your kind words.

[Staystrong1]

Thank you.
I'm glad you and your partners nightmare is over and you can begin to heal.
It's always comforting to read posts like yours. People that have been where I, and many others are, and have come out the other side of it.
At the moment it just feels like an endless dark, cramped tunnel with no escape and no end in sight.

Thank you for your kind words.

No problem at all. I was definitely In the same dark tunnel and never believed We would come through the awful experience but we did. But hold your head up, you will have bad days and some where you are stronger but ultimately you can't let the FA win. We are all a lot stronger than we know. You will come through this x

[Mr B]

Have a virtual from me.

Keep fighting on. You are not alone.
Mr B

[sqounk]

I can't remember who wrote it - it might have been Mr B, but shortly after I came across this forum 6 months ago I saw that someone had written something along the lines of 'whatever happens, it will not kill you - you will emerge the other side, no matter what the outcome'. I found that to be of very great comfort in moments of darkness to keep remembering that. Keep calm and keep things in perspective. It is VERY easy to lose site of things. I have found it the greatest comfort to me to work on my case, build up evidence and examine the law itself. The latter might not suit everyone, but it helped steady myself and regain some control - analysing what sections of the particular act could be used against me and what my defence will be should it be needed. I think it very important to keep busy regardless. You will get through this.

[Mr B]

Thank you for the reference above but I suspect this was not me.

The closest I came to anything profound is "This too will pass" & that I must accredit to a person who has helped me out above & beyond.

I am very glad that all users of this forum find it beneficial. Well done to the admins & the general maturity of the group for keeping it that way.

Best of luck & thoughts with the OP. Go on have another one

Kindest regards
Mr B

[Dal75]

Thanks guys. Your words of encouragement are a comfort. I just wish it was over so I can have my life back.

I do have a question if anyone can help. If I'm going to get an nfa or a rebail, will I hear before my bail date at the end of next month or will they wait until I'm there to nfa/rebail me?

I guess my concern is that if the answer is yes, I will hear before my bail date that it's one of those two options, then if it gets to my bail date and I've heard nothing then that most likely means they intend on charging me.

[Franticwithworry]

Thanks guys. Your words of encouragement are a comfort. I just wish it was over so I can have my life back.

I do have a question if anyone can help. If I'm going to get an nfa or a rebail, will I hear before my bail date at the end of next month or will they wait until I'm there to nfa/rebail me?

I guess my concern is that if the answer is yes, I will hear before my bail date that it's one of those two options, then if it gets to my bail date and I've heard nothing then that most likely means they intend on charging me.

From what I can tell there's no way of telling. Some get contacted before the bail date and NFA'd or charged, some get NFA'd or charged at bail, some are required to answer to bail and yet others are contacted beforehand, even the day before, with a new date. There's no hard and fast rule and no way of telling.

Sorry I can't be more positive or concrete.