Beyond frightened

[Dal75]

Dal - it's truly terrible that they will take one persons word and ignore everything else. Things I've said that contradict or challenge the police view haven't been recorded.

I've already been told that if my OH is convicted then I will have to believe as I'll be a 'worrying case for social services'.

SS came out to us Friday evening. We had to sign paperwork saying I wouldn't be allowed to be alone with my sons. That was complete humiliation.
It's always been me that tucks my kids into bed at night because of my wife's mobility problems. Now we have to struggle to get her up there with me so I can still do it, if nothing more than to try and keep some semblance of normality for my boys.

I just don't know where to turn. I can't help but imagine the worst.
I've still not heard from my solicitor since my arrest and interview. Am I even supposed to? I don't know.
I feel completely helpless, just sat here stewing on it all until my bail date to find out my fate. I feel like I should be doing something, anything, but I don't know what it is.

[Mr B]

Dal75.
I appreciate the vicious situation. So you want to something? Then sit still & think with an pen book in front of you. Write you thoughts down. Think as the FA has done....Think as her. From her Point of View. Write it down. You will come back to it. Stay indoors & just think....

The best advice I can give. I thought you were getting a bead on the issue. I suspect SS has unsettled you somewhat. Be aware the frequency of being unsettled by this is high at first & then starts to decline. I cannot say what is normal as my experience is not statistically significant. However that has been my limited experience.

Hunt through this forum. Read it all. Gen up on what others have written. Will make you see the problem perhaps in a different light.

You are not alone. Come back often.
Kindest regards
Mr B

[Dal75]

Dal75.
I appreciate the vicious situation. So you want to something? Then sit still & think with an pen book in front of you. Write you thoughts down. Think as the FA has done....Think as her. From her Point of View. Write it down. You will come back to it. Stay indoors & just think....

The best advice I can give. I thought you were getting a bead on the issue. I suspect SS has unsettled you somewhat. Be aware the frequency of being unsettled by this is high at first & then starts to decline. I cannot say what is normal as my experience is not statistically significant. However that has been my limited experience.

Hunt through this forum. Read it all. Gen up on what others have written. Will make you see the problem perhaps in a different light.

You are not alone. Come back often.
Kindest regards
Mr B

Thankyou Mr B.
While waiting for them to come arrest me I typed up quite a long statement saying what I thought her reasons were for saying what she said. Stating there was a pre existing grudge against me both over money and my dislike of her gf.
Stating how our relationship had declined after she moved out by constantly ignoring her mum and brothers and how I got increasingly angry over it.
I put this in a sealed envelope and took it with me when they came for me and I gave it to my solicitor when I had my consultation. She said it was good. And it did help me a little during the interview when I could refer back to it when I couldn't get my words out.

I wrote another short one this morning trying to highlight things I may of forgot to mention during interview and things I may not of made clear.
But I don't know if I should give it to my solicitor now or wait until bail date or if an adding to my original statement will even be allowed.

Just don't know what's supposed to be happening now and what's not. Surely I'm not just supposed to sit and wait.
I feel like I need to be doing something positive. Anything.

[Mr B]

Thinking & writing it all down is positive. I fear that if you hand anything over to the Police you will regret it.
Remember the Police do not care if you are innocent. They are searching for substantive evidence of guilt - not innocence. You cannot convince them. No one can. It is not a personal reflection.

So prepare notes to go over with your Solicitor. Be aware many on the forum have been on bail for 12-24 months...Get your recollection of events staright....
I was lucky - just 3 months expecting a re-bail but got NFA'd so you too may be lucky. However you will have to wait....that is all there is to it for the moment.

Hard to sit on your hands I know...but the alternatives are potentially catastrophic. So as difficult as it is, sit still.

Hope that helps.

Mr B

[Franticwithworry]

Hello dal75

The humiliation is devastating and throws you for a loop but please remember that these are hoops to jump through. They do it badly but SS are just doing a job. I don't make light of the practical difficulties but you will find a way to make it work. SS could have made you leave home altogether, so this is an issue you are dealing with in preference to another. It is a coping strategy to find silver linings play n every little thing-a matter of managing perspectives.

When a complaint was made against my man relating to our grandaughter, SS turned up at our daughter's doorstep, made her sign a form agreeing to no contact, and then left her to call us and tell us. I wondered at the time if it was designed to cause maximum humiliation and distress to the maximum number of people. They didn't demand supervised contact, they demanded no contact whatsoever. It was more extreme than the police bail in place.

I say this, not to make our situation appear worse than yours but to demonstrate that SS have no logical thought processes often and the likes of we mere mortals are expected to jump through unreasonable hoops without question. We got through it - the SS case was closed before the police matter has been called completed. My blood boils at the realisation that a malicious report to SS is as unchallengeable as a malicious report to the police.

Hang in there. Tomorrow is a day closer to this all being done with.

[Dal75]

Thinking & writing it all down is positive. I fear that if you hand anything over to the Police you will regret it.
Remember the Police do not care if you are innocent. They are searching for substantive evidence of guilt - not innocence. You cannot convince them. No one can. It is not a personal reflection.

So prepare notes to go over with your Solicitor. Be aware many on the forum have been on bail for 12-24 months...Get your recollection of events staright....
I was lucky - just 3 months expecting a re-bail but got NFA'd so you too may be lucky. However you will have to wait....that is all there is to it for the moment.

Hard to sit on your hands I know...but the alternatives are potentially catastrophic. So as difficult as it is, sit still.

Hope that helps.

Mr B

Im not a religious man but even I have been praying for an nfa so me, my wife and my kids can get on with our lives.

When they searched me at the police station and I had to hand over whatever I had on me, of course the letter was amongst those items. The female cid officer asked me what it was and I told her it was for my solicitor. She asked if she could read it and I said I'd rather my solicitor read it first.
And again after I had been bailed and she was walking me out she asked if I had the letter. My solicitor had it though so I think she was pretty determined to read it.
I won't be giving anything to them no. I'm going to try and get a meeting with my solicitor this week to discuss things and I'll maybe hand over the amendments I made today. Maybe it will help or maybe it won't, I really don't know.
Maybe something in it can be used in my defense if the worst happens.

[Dal75]

Gave in and went to the Dr's today. I never go to the Dr's for anything.
Got prescribed valium and anti depressants. So at least I might be able to get some sleep now.

[Dal75]

My bail date seems to be rapidly approaching.
Should I be taking my solicitor with me when I answer bail on the 20th of February? I can't seem to find a definite answer.
It also concerns me that I've not heard a peep from her since I saw her at my interview.
Just don't know what should or shouldn't be happening and what to expect. Got ss coming again tomorrow to speak to my sons and don't know what to expect from that. It's all very worrying.
Thanks guys for all the support.

[Casehardened]

Hi,

You may find the general advice in this link useful, but to answer your specific query if your appearance is likely to be a rebail there is no need for a solicitor to be present (you could ask them to check with the OIC a few days beforehand to find out what is going to happen)

There is not much a solicitor presently do apart from offer reassurance.

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...at-happens-now

Can't help with the ss visit but other members have had experience with this and may be able to offer suggestions.

[Dal75]

Hi,

You may find the general advice in this link useful, but to answer your specific query if your appearance is likely to be a rebail there is no need for a solicitor to be present (you could ask them to check with the OIC a few days beforehand to find out what is going to happen)

There is not much a solicitor presently do apart from offer reassurance.

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...at-happens-now

Can't help with the ss visit but other members have had experience with this and may be able to offer suggestions.

Thankyou very much for your reply, I feel a little more reassured now. I guess in hindsight, there will be no need for my sol to be there unless they tell me I'm going to be charged. I'm trying to be optimistic that couldn't possibly happen being as I know I didn't do anything wrong. But you read so many things about people going to prison for something they didn't do it's frightening.

If the worst came to worst and I was charged and committed to prison, although completely devastating I think I could make it through. What I dread the most is on release, I won't be allowed to come home to be with my wife and kids again. I have no savings (I survive on my carer's allowance) so I'd be on the streets or stuck in some grotty little bedsit somewhere.

I can't bare the thought of not being able to be with my wife and sons.

I know it's a very pessimistic way to think, but this thought plays on my mind even more than going to prison.

But, despite that, I am trying to be more optimistic than pessimistic.

You have to be really don't you.

They are finally getting around to taking my wife's statement on Saturday. My wife supports me 100% but I can't help worry they are going to trick her into saying something that helps their case against me or that they will take something she says completely out of context.
Fear of the unknown I guess.
I suppose everyone on here knows exactly how that feels though.

If I don't post back before, then I hope you all have a great Christmas and the new year brings you an end to your troubles.
Thankyou all for your words of wisdom and support, it's truly appreciated.

[Ploppy]

I feel for you.
I remember the feeling of humiliation arising from the SS restrictions, and it was the only time that my daughter got really upset about the whole thing. Horrible. Since there never was any abuse, the only harm done to that girl was by SS.

Take it easy, and try to enjoy Christmas as best you can.

Peace & strength to you.

[Dal75]

I feel for you.
I remember the feeling of humiliation arising from the SS restrictions, and it was the only time that my daughter got really upset about the whole thing. Horrible. Since there never was any abuse, the only harm done to that girl was by SS.

Take it easy, and try to enjoy Christmas as best you can.

Peace & strength to you.

I guess I'm lucky compared to most poor souls on here in that I have been allowed back home after bail. My fa no longer lives with us and hasn't for a couple of years now. Apparently the only reason I was allowed back here is because she was 18 when she came up with her story where as if she had been a minor, I'd be out on my ear.
Both my sons are under 18 though so I take heart that maybe they see through her lies so decided there is no reason to split the family up or I wouldn't be allowed back here where 2 minors live.

Having to sign an agreement with ss was total humiliation though. I'm not allowed to be left alone with them, I can't even tuck them into bed at night which is something I've done since the day they were born.
They are my boys, I would kill or die for them in a heartbeat, the same as any of you would for your children but now I'm not even trusted to be alone with them.
When my wife goes to give her statement I have had to ask my sister in law to come babysit me which was humiliating all on its own.

If it means I get to stay where I belong though then I'll jump through any hoops they want me to.

Thankyou for your reply ploppy, I hope you and yours have a great Christmas too and a very very happy new year.

[Dal75]

Just a quick question.
If the police suspect an allegation of historic sexual abuse may be false, do they still have to consult the cps as to if a prosecution may be possible?
Or if they suspect it's false do they just write it off without even consulting the cps?

I guess if they consult the cps, they believe you did what you are accused of.

[Franticwithworry]

So far as I know all serious offences have to be decided by CPS and all sexual offences are considered serious offences. I'm sure someone will come in and correct me if I'm wrong.

[Dal75]

So far as I know all serious offences have to be decided by CPS and all sexual offences are considered serious offences. I'm sure someone will come in and correct me if I'm wrong.

OK thanks. Just unsure if it goes to the cps even if the police suspect it may be a false allegation.

Also, I've been reading about a condition caution. Accepting this means you admit to what you are accused of and should not accept it. What happens if you don't accept it? It goes to court where you could end up being convicted and go to prison anyway?