Beyond frightened

[Dal75]

Hi.
2 days ago I was arrested and questioned over alleged historic sexual abuse of my step daughter. I have been bailed without charge back to my home with my wife and 2 sons. She claims about 4 years ago I touched her in her sleep. At the time the radiator in her room was broken and it was cold so my wife who is disabled and couldn't get upstairs to bed most nights told my daughter to get in with me, which she did. This went on for about 2 months while it was cold and she has alleged I touched her on 4 separate occasions. Of course I completely denied it as it just isn't true.
The last couple of years my daughter and I have not been on speaking terms. I don't like her gf and have not been shy about letting them know that. Also there was an incident where I sold something on her ebay account, with her permission, which the buyer claimed didn't arrive. So ebay started chasing her for the money. She told her mum I needed to pay it and I wasn't too keen due to all the debt she had dropped us in over the car we got on hp for her.
Anyway, some. Months ago I decided to pay it and maybe start building some bridges again. She was told several times to get the debt collection paperwork to us and I would pay it. She didn't bother. Instead she kept saying how she is going to, or is at the police station over it, obviously trying to get me into trouble.
I think she was using the ebay thing as a tool to maybe separate me and her mum to make way for her and her gf as I'd said often before her gf will never be welcome in my house while I'm around.
When she realised the police were not interested (if indeed she even went to them at all, she lies a lot) she texted to her mum about what I'm supposed to of done to her. This text was sent during yet another request by her mum to get this paperwork to us. (she was sending these texts while supposedly at the police station, again, over ebay)
She told my wife it happened once.
She bumped into her aunt (who she hadn't even spoken to for 2 years) in a fast food restaurant and casually told her what I'm supposed to of done and that it 'happened more than once'. She told the police it happened 4 times.
At this moment in time she is busy telling my wife's friends all about it.
She spent about 2 months on and off, sleeping in my bed for warmth and yet claimed this happened 4 separate times. If anything happened even once, why continue to come and get in it? She would come in and ask if she could get in after I was in bed or sometimes she would already be in there before I got up there.
My wife knew she was there, it's not as if I asked her to be there. In fact I used to moan about her being there as she fidgets in her sleep and kept me awake. In fact, it was my wife who initially told her to get in with me because of the cold snap.
I'm devastated. I've never even had a police caution before this and now I'm looking at prison and losing everything. My wife and kids are my world. I don't have anything if I dont have them and I can not go on without them.i won't go on without them.
Please help me.
Please.

[sqounk]

Hi - sorry to hear of your plight. The more experienced members will no doubt advise you but there are forum threads you can look at to help you - i.e. the 'what happens now' thread. The one thing I would say is calm down. Things will most likely not go quickly and you will be on bail for lengthy time, which will give you time to gather your thoughts and start thinking about gathering evidence for a defence. The more experienced members will say 'get a solicitor' and do no talk to the police now without one. It is not an indication of guilt. In fact when I was asked to go for my own interview by the police, the police that came for me advised me to have a solicitor (off the record - bless them), because it is a protection everyone is entitled to. Come here often - forum members will help and support you and it is an excellent source of information and people who are in the same boat as you are here.
One thing I was wondering though - which might be significant - how old was your step daughter when she alleges the assault/s took place?

[Dal75]

Hi - sorry to hear of your plight. The more experienced members will no doubt advise you but there are forum threads you can look at to help you - i.e. the 'what happens now' thread. The one thing I would say is calm down. Things will most likely not go quickly and you will be on bail for lengthy time, which will give you time to gather your thoughts and start thinking about gathering evidence for a defence. The more experienced members will say 'get a solicitor' and do no talk to the police now without one. It is not an indication of guilt. In fact when I was asked to go for my own interview by the police, the police that came for me advised me to have a solicitor (off the record - bless them), because it is a protection everyone is entitled to. Come here often - forum members will help and support you and it is an excellent source of information and people who are in the same boat as you are here.
One thing I was wondering though - which might be significant - how old was your step daughter when she alleges the assault/s took place?

Thankyou for the reply. I did have a solicitor with me (not duty) and she advised me to give my side of the story in interview. Which I did. Not sure it was much use as I was a complete mess. She also told me she knew the detectives interviewing me and that she used to be cid as well. Don't know if that's a good or bad thing. My daughter was 15 when this was alleged to of happened. So she's 19 now. I met her mum when she was one so I have loved and raised her as if I had conceived her myself.
I am on bail until the 20th of February. Ss came yesterday and both my wife and I had to sign a form to say I'm not allowed to be alone with my sons. Which just about finished me off.
I'm so lucky my wife believes me. She knows me better than I know myself and knows this just isn't something I would do.

[sqounk]

Easy for me to say, because I'm not in that position, but at least you can stay in the house with your kids and you're not turfed out to stay at a bail hostel - because from what I've read, that's a real possibility. One of the pieces of advice which is useful is build a timeline - go back over events and write everything down. I don't know what I'd have done without my wife to be honest. She has been a really excellent support.

[Dal75]

Easy for me to say, because I'm not in that position, but at least you can stay in the house with your kids and you're not turfed out to stay at a bail hostel - because from what I've read, that's a real possibility. One of the pieces of advice which is useful is build a timeline - go back over events and write everything down. I don't know what I'd have done without my wife to be honest. She has been a really excellent support.

Agreed. The social worker, who was actually a really nice lady and very understanding, told me that because my daughter was an adult at the time of making the allegation, that's the reason I was allowed back here. If she had been under 18,i would of been out on my ear.
I'm just thankful I can be with my wife and boys. Breaking the news to my sons was particularly hard. My eldest who is 16 is angry. Very angry. My youngest who is 14 is shell-shocked.
I've told them both I don't want them to hate their sister. That she is just a very mixed up person with a grudge and made a very bad decision to use something as serious as this to try and get revenge,or whatever result it was she was looking for.
My wife has been my rock. It should be me who is the strong one but this has totally knocked me for six. I can't eat, I can't sleep and my anxiety levels are through the roof. Without her I can honestly say I would of done something very permanent by now.
A time line sounds like a good idea. Although I'm not sure how accurate it could be being as this was 4 years ago and was hardly something I committed to memory being as it wasn't particularly significant part of my life. Or so I thought.
I think I need to find a solicitor that specialises in this area. I do like my solicitor but being as I've not heard a thing from her since my arrest I'm not sure if my file has just been stuffed in a draw and forgotten about. Should usual practice dictate she contacts me to discuss things post interview? I signed some forms she gave me in the interview room, does that mean I'm stuck with her now? I really have no idea how any of this works. I have never had any dealings with the police or solicitors in my 41 years of life.
If anyone knows of a solicitor who specialises in cases of historical abuse and is in the south wales area I'd be very grateful. I need legal aid as my only income is the carer's allowance I receive for looking after my wife.

[Casehardened]

Hi,

This thread contains member's recommendations though you'll need to read through all the pages to search for firms in the right locality:

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...ist-solicitors

[Mr B]

Dal75. From what I feel you will be fine. Your wife's support being the deciding factor in this. So a process is being served but with spousal support you do not present as a large, slow moving & easy target for Plod.

[1] Always duty sol with you for all interviews.
[2] As mentioned above write it all down. Keep it safe & run it past trusted members of the family.
[3] Scan FA social media in case there is traffic...screenshot it & back it up offsite.
[4] If your FA is out of the house now then fine. She may however of left something in the house of assistance to you. Have a look.
[5] However always adhere to bail conditions 100%.
[6] The "wisdom of crowds" I found very useful. Use trusted members of your family & friends. The British public do not care what you say, they evaluate how you say it.
[7] There will be a "logic" as to why. So when I called the Samaritans & was asking for help I got a terse reply of "See it from you wife's point of view". Wife being the False Accuser. Harsh & took me back. Support is meant to be supportive? Right? Wrong! You may find that a critical response actually takes your logic down the path to the truth. Bizarre but it was the way it worked for me. So do not be afraid to embrace that.
[8] Accept that you privacy is now over for a period of time. Do not try to protect anyone - just think about & for yourself. People need to help you at present.
[9] You will get through it
[10] Just because something does not make sense, does not mean it is illogical. There is a twisted logic & you have to keep "throwing the facts onthe table" like a demented jigsaw until you can start to seeing why this has happened. Once you know the why, the stress will reduce.
[11] Police are NOT your friends in any manner shape or form. Hence watch yourself re drinking & driving, general care etc as with all this happening the risks do increase to have a cascade of circumstances (sometimes of our own making) that do not help...so slowly does it (well everything even)

I am very pleased that you have your wife's support. Hence I think you will be out the other side in much better shape than a large number of characters. It will take a time though, but hopefully you'll come through OK. Have utmost respect for the damage that Plod can & do execute on the innocent. They care not a jot.

As mentioned above come back often. You are not alone.

Hope that helps.
Kindest regards
Mr B

[Dal75]

Dal75. From what I feel you will be fine. Your wife's support being the deciding factor in this. So a process is being served but with spousal support you do not present as a large, slow moving & easy target for Plod.

[1] Always duty sol with you for all interviews.
[2] As mentioned above write it all down. Keep it safe & run it past trusted members of the family.
[3] Scan FA social media in case there is traffic...screenshot it & back it up offsite.
[4] If your FA is out of the house now then fine. She may however of left something in the house of assistance to you. Have a look.
[5] However always adhere to bail conditions 100%.
[6] The "wisdom of crowds" I found very useful. Use trusted members of your family & friends. The British public do not care what you say, they evaluate how you say it.
[7] There will be a "logic" as to why. So when I called the Samaritans & was asking for help I got a terse reply of "See it from you wife's point of view". Wife being the False Accuser. Harsh & took me back. Support is meant to be supportive? Right? Wrong! You may find that a critical response actually takes your logic down the path to the truth. Bizarre but it was the way it worked for me. So do not be afraid to embrace that.
[8] Accept that you privacy is now over for a period of time. Do not try to protect anyone - just think about & for yourself. People need to help you at present.
[9] You will get through it
[10] Just because something does not make sense, does not mean it is illogical. There is a twisted logic & you have to keep "throwing the facts onthe table" like a demented jigsaw until you can start to seeing why this has happened. Once you know the why, the stress will reduce.
[11] Police are NOT your friends in any manner shape or form. Hence watch yourself re drinking & driving, general care etc as with all this happening the risks do increase to have a cascade of circumstances (sometimes of our own making) that do not help...so slowly does it (well everything even)

I am very pleased that you have your wife's support. Hence I think you will be out the other side in much better shape than a large number of characters. It will take a time though, but hopefully you'll come through OK. Have utmost respect for the damage that Plod can & do execute on the innocent. They care not a jot.

As mentioned above come back often. You are not alone.

Hope that helps.
Kindest regards
Mr B

Thankyou Mr B.
My fa no longer lives with us. She moved out some time ago to live with her gf. This is just about when she completely changed. She would go for weeks, sometimes months without contacting us. Even though she lives in the same town. And when she did contact us and arrange to come see her mum and brothers she wouldn't show up and then it would be weeks before she would return a call or text again.
All the while I'm sitting there watching her mum and younger brother cry because they didn't understand why she seemingly turned her back on us. And not just us, her aunts, uncles, her nan, pretty much the whole family.
This went on for months and I went from trying to reason with her to getting increasingly angry with her. When she did finally find time for us and come round things were fine, we were like a family again. She never showed any nervousness around me, was never reluctant to be alone with me or anything. We all always got a kiss and a cuddle and an I love you when she left. Her mother commented that nothing in the way she acted around me was ever anything than completely normal, just like it had always been.
But apparently by this time, I had already abused her.

At the end of the interview the police asked me why I thought she would say something like this.
My only response was that it seems to be some kind of twisted attempt at revenge. Because of the couple of hundred quid of debt I got her in and/or to split her mum and I up.
It seems ridiculous that she would go to such lengths to get revenge or cause a split but that's honestly the only reason I could come up with.
When she dropped this bombshell on her mum via text she insisted she didn't want the police involved and that she just wanted to get on with her life. Which struck me a strange being as she is willing to go to the police over the ebay thing but not something as serious as this.

It was in fact my wife that went to the police.
Not because she believed I did it but to try and force my daughters hand to admit it was just a vile attempt at causing trouble.
I liken her initial text to my wife as throwing a grenade into a room, closing the door and walking away.
She thought she could cause maximum damage by saying it and finally get me out of the way I think.

My wife going to the police has backfired on us though as she seems to of dug her heels in and seems determined to carry on the charade.

If I know anything about my daughter Its that she is stubborn.
I think she feels she has been backed into a corner and has no other option but to stick to her story.

No matter the cost to me, her mum and her brothers.

[Dal75]

Hi,

This thread contains member's recommendations though you'll need to read through all the pages to search for firms in the right locality:

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...ist-solicitors

Thanks very much. I will see what I can find in that thread. I think I stand a better chance with a solicitor who specialises in this type of case.

[Mr B]

Dal75

May I suggest you have a look here:

www.shrink4men.com

The Narcassistic / Borderline behaviours may resonate with you. Just a thought...

If not your daughter then perhaps her g/f...which is playing a much bigger part in this than so far appears to be reported. Have a look at her (the g/f) social media...

Kindest regards
M

[Dal75]

Dal75

May I suggest you have a look here:

www.shrink4men.com

The Narcassistic / Borderline behaviours may resonate with you. Just a thought...

If not your daughter then perhaps her g/f...which is playing a much bigger part in this than so far appears to be reported. Have a look at her (the g/f) social media...

Kindest regards
M

It's funny you should say that Mr B. I said the exact same thing to my wife. That maybe it was the gf who sent the initial accusation text to my wife and may very well be the one egging her on to continue this lie.
The initial reason I took a dislike to her gf was for posting on Facebook how she was proud of my daughter for coming out to us. Even those hadn't yet. This was for all the friends and family to see. I have no problem with her being gay, but I have never liked her choice of partner.
There is definitely no love lost between her and myself.

[Mr B]

OK then,, you have a lead on the cause...

Consider NPD/BPD > leading to deliberate Parental Alienation - this time by the g/f on you, executed by the daughter (this is not typical). Have a look at Parental Alienation resources & I feel you will see something that clicks for you both.

I am not saying the above is 100 percent right, but there is a similar & persistent psychopathology that may be present. G/F abused???
G/F prior FA?
Just a thought...
Mr B

[Dal75]

OK then,, you have a lead on the cause...

Consider NPD/BPD > leading to deliberate Parental Alienation - this time by the g/f on you, executed by the daughter (this is not typical). Have a look at Parental Alienation resources & I feel you will see something that clicks for you both.

I am not saying the above is 100 percent right, but there is a similar & persistent psychopathology that may be present. G/F abused???
G/F prior FA?
Just a thought...
Mr B

I have a recollection of hearing the gf has some sort of history with regards to sexual abuse. I don't know if she accused someone or what the outcome was though. My wife will know but at present she is sound asleep on my chest so I will ask her when she wakes up. It's been a rough few days and it's caught up with her I think.
Thankyou Mr B.
If she can confirm for me that the gf accused someone in the past too, especially if the accused was proven not guilty, that's definitely got to be a line of defence I can look into.

Just as a side note, my daughter and the gf both live with the gf's mother and her girlfriend (may have a civil partnership by now, not sure) and I know of at least 3 underage girls they invited to move into their home with them in the past. All without parental consent or even knowledge. One of them being my daughter, and one of them being the daughter of two police officers.

Doubt that's important, but I think it does go to show the kind of environment she is in now.

[Mr B]

I think you are on the right track. Rest easy. I know it takes alot out of you.. Alot of us have that experience.

Come back often to kick the idea's around...if that is helpful. In the meantime take care.
Mr B

[Dal75]

I think you are on the right track. Rest easy. I know it takes alot out of you.. Alot of us have that experience.

Come back often to kick the idea's around...if that is helpful. In the meantime take care.
Mr B

Thankyou Mr B.
Thankyou for taking the time to chat with me. It has helped and I do feel a little more positive now.
I've decided I'm not going to take this laying down and I'm going to fight it every inch of the way for as long as it takes.