7 months - my advice after NFA....

[hello88]

Firstly, i find this really difficult to write cos i know that many of you on here are still in that difficult land of the unknown.. i guess i should advise that if not nfa or ng yet than don't read on...

But... i feel that i should share my experience of trying to move on after a NFA cos you dream it's gonna to be simple, the following day you're going to wake up and feel fab but it isn't the case, in some ways the hardest part is afterwards because you're not relying on anyone else to make 'things better', its all down to you.

Firstly, the physical effect... When you've been fighting for weeks/months/years when you get that news expect your immune system to go all crazy. When my OH phoned to tell me its been NFA he said he remembers that by the end of the phonecall i had already comedown with a sore throat, a couple of weeks later i was bed bound and even months later my energy levels were non existant. My doctor who is fantastic did say to expect at least 6 months before seeing improvement, and she was very very true.. althought on a practical level multivitamens did help as well

Next.. i guess its about the mental health.. what hit me the most was the realisation that they wenr't going to take any action against the accusers and the others involved in this evil scheme. It hit me like a brick wall at that realisation that there really seems to be no justice in this world is that is hard. We had a great family practitioner who had been through a false accusation herself. She knew that there was going to be no action taken as "there never is", she also knew the family that caused us the hassle (got someone to make the accusation) and warned us that they would try and be freinds with us again... she was right.. although i think she got the message that it wasn't going to happen!

The family practioner also recomended to keep talking about it.. and i think that is so true. Me and hubby just talked and talked, and at first an hour didn't go by without us mentioning it. Some things that didn't bother me about it, bothered him and vica a versa. It is not good to bottle it up (unless you really do want bad ptsd) but after a few months (or maybe longer) i found that it was starting to be that i've talked enough about it now.. things come up, obviously, but i feel that i've talked my way through it.., i that make sense??

Next, i hated it when the moment i told people the good news that its been nfa'd they say "oh, excellent, so please you can move on now, put it behind you i know they had the best intentions but i hoestly did feel like thumping them. First thing is to get practical stuff sorted (crb/dbs problems,social services involvementsm maybe even living arrangements) but just moving on from so long of being a victim of crime (because that's what you are) is not easy. But, i really think you have to look at each decision you make next as whats best for YOU and YOUR FAMILY.

Here's my examples...

1. Persue the FA as have major proof it was false accusation... decided to say NO. I felt like what was not good for my family, my 3 young children, is to spend months/years talking to solicitors, police and goodness-knows-who-else and it may result in the outcome we don't want.

2. Move home... the people who got the people to make the accusation live a few doors away and have children who go to the same small village school opposite our house.. i love our home, the school have been and are amazing and after all my children have been through moving schools would just destroy them.

3. revenge... i guess this is where my christianity comes in a bit, i have thought about revenge.. big time, anything and everything from lying to the police to a glitter bomb through the post.. but the worst revenge really is getting on with your lifes and having a happy life (or at least looks like a happy life to them)

4. Going to the FA workplace... hell yeah, this woman works in a great supermaket where i buy most of my weekly shopping, i'm not going to spend more just because she's there, and yes it brings me slight pleasure seeing her face go white, arguing with her boss because she doesnt want to be on the till and physically shaking

you know what... the list could go on, but with each challenge, yes, we need ot fight for justice, and try to put the wrongdoings right in this world, but focus first on yourself and your family because if you loose your family or have a mental breakdown... the fa then truly has won.

Kids.. i guess if you focus on your family than the kids will heal over time. It's hard and i think with children you have to remember that there alot smarter than what you know, and you have to be more honest with them than you think. It took a few months for my eldest to not get upset when daddy goes out the door, but i think each step and 'problem' you have to forget about the deep phsycology and really focus hard on fixing things practically. Also my OH had to tell me to stop getting in the habit of thinking.. "they failed at blah blah in school all because of what happened", no, accept they went through a rough time but its no more excuses and looking foward to the future.

Oh, and one more thing, if like my hubby there was bail conditions and those conditions where lifted don't do what my OH did and drive down that road straight away because you can, he said actually, it made him feel like he was winding up accuser on purpose, although he wasn't, and he felt really wierd doing it, he said he just felt better with the freedom of knowing that he had.. well freedom

I apologise if some (or most) of that is confusing but i felt like i really needed to share my experience/advice because it isn't happily ever after, but it can be the start of a new beginning

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[298]

After a NFA

Its good to share what your going through after a NFA.

Sometimes I feel its needed and in this forum you have people who understand and listen when every one else appears to think moving on with your life is what has happened.
I'm not sure its something others want to hear about, no aftermath after all its NFA.

So good you wrote about stuff thats just part of life now.

Its almost 12 months since my NFA, longer since my arrest and I really wish it was over yes I'm moving on, things are better, but its not over.

Keep talking :-)

[Franticwithworry]

Thank you for this. It's really good stuff to know. Perhaps Casehardened will turn it into a 'sticky'.

We are in the position of having one matter finished with but another yet to be resolved, and much of what you say mirrors what we have been experiencing since the first matter finished. We got to the morning of the court hearing, sat in the waiting rooms for a couple of hours to have the lawyer come and tell us that all the legal brains involved had looked at the paperwork and decided that even if the 'incident' was proved, it didn't constitute a crime, so the case would not be heard.

Even with that conclusion it all stays on file, but since then, far from being elated (though there was relief and joy for a few hours), my man, I and even our witnesses, have been feeling debilitated, weary and have all had sorts of brief, minor ailments.

We haven't involved our GP's yet, so no-one outside our very close circle is aware of our situation. Revenge, even if we wanted to, and we don't, is out if the question as we live a long way from the complainants, which is good, and they are involved in the matter outstanding, which is not.

I'm sure though, if their behaviour on the day is anything to go by especially, that they believe that they have been short-changed by the system and they have been denied justice. That, I'm sad to say, together with the injustice of having things left on the record despite the agreement that no crime took place fills me with a rage that I find hard to handle at times. It makes me weep with frustration, and I also weep for the young relatives whose minds have been poisoned against us.

I'm not normally an angry person and I never thought I would spend so much time meditating back to calm!

You're right about talking - my man and I are still talking about this endlessly, though I hope it will occupy less of our waking hours as time goes on. We need some respite so we can deal with the next phase!

Thank you again for your post though. I, for one, will be referring to it as necessary.

[Mr B]

Here's my quote "One does not simply move on from a False Accusation that has been NFA's, one moves round it".

It is a real impediment in my case causing me to loose the marriage (The wife being the FA), the child, the house, friends & some very good neighbors, my home town & my reputation (down to the libel & slander).

All for just over a quarter of a million. Thank you Darling. I am much better off without you....and your family.

Mr B

[Lucky]

interesting reading this.

never really thought about the aftereffects of an NFA before, so was good to get an idea of your thought processes.

[Casehardened]

Thank you for this. It's really good stuff to know. Perhaps Casehardened will turn it into a 'sticky'.

Good idea, I've copied the post to the 'Useful Information' section.

[hello88]

Here's my quote "One does not simply move on from a False Accusation that has been NFA's, one moves round it".

It is a real impediment in my case causing me to loose the marriage (The wife being the FA), the child, the house, friends & some very good neighbors, my home town & my reputation (down to the libel & slander).

All for just over a quarter of a million. Thank you Darling. I am much better off without you....and your family.

Mr B

thats a really really good quote... i can just visualise a large circle in my path, i feel like i'm almost half way round it, but long way to go before its behind me. I still have to see the family who got the person to make the allegation, their child goes to the same preschool as my youngest, at the moment they do different days but i feel physically sick with the thought that someone from that 'family' could be near my little boy (who's now 2) i feel like at the moment that could be my only breaking point.

I did have to deal with it regarding primary school so i guess i can get over it but still.. it's my little boy. I do feel so sorry for you though, i can't imagine knowing your child is with someone who can be so heartless.. I hate it when women stop the men seeing their children, no matter what my husband does to me i will never take away his right to be a father, for starters i couldnt do that to my children...

so much about it still makes me cry, was wathcing pete's dragon at the cinema with my kids the other day and their was this scene where the boy tried to run away and the woman grabs him and he's crying out and howling and it got to me from when my then 6 year old tried to run after daddy's car after a supervised access day and i had to grab her and she was just screaming and screaming that she didn't want daddy to go so there was me bawling my eyes out in the cinema at a childrens film lol

sorry ranting on lol, but honehstly feel like we are victims of a crime and like any crime were still going to get upset/cry/ have nightmares about it, even just seeing a police car gives me bad feelings now.

also can i say it is worth going to your dr's.. my dr says that where not the only patient she had who was a victim of false allegation, they know these things and are actually really good and sympathetic, not judgemental at all

xxx

[can it get worse]

Hi - I would also like to add my thanks for your post.

My partner and I also still have long discussions about the so called justice system. We struggle to come to terms with what happened. We are disgusted that the 'believe' culture is so biased and the police have no regard to searching for the truth.

Your 'solutions' are very useful. I have been preoccupied with lots of issues surrounding the FA experience. I'm particularly disappointed with SS and their conduct. I want to show SS how fantastic, well balanced and safe our children are. I want to highlight how SS could have caused so much harm and that through strong bonds within our family - we remained secure and overcame the major difficulties that the accuser created. I can hardly bear to think of them being called 'Social Care' or Social Services' - They neither cared for us or our children. And they definitely did not provide a service to anyone.

After my partner's NG, I could not look at a police car. This luckily has lessened now but I doubt I will ever gain the trust that we once had in them.

The hardest thing is coming to terms with not being able to address these issues and accepting that as the real victims - we cannot do anything. We just have to try to resume normal life and put it behind us. I guess this will come with time.

You are so right about people given well intended advice of 'putting it behind you'. Easier said than done.

x

[hello88]

Hi - I would also like to add my thanks for your post.

My partner and I also still have long discussions about the so called justice system. We struggle to come to terms with what happened. We are disgusted that the 'believe' culture is so biased and the police have no regard to searching for the truth.

Your 'solutions' are very useful. I have been preoccupied with lots of issues surrounding the FA experience. I'm particularly disappointed with SS and their conduct. I want to show SS how fantastic, well balanced and safe our children are. I want to highlight how SS could have caused so much harm and that through strong bonds within our family - we remained secure and overcame the major difficulties that the accuser created. I can hardly bear to think of them being called 'Social Care' or Social Services' - They neither cared for us or our children. And they definitely did not provide a service to anyone.

After my partner's NG, I could not look at a police car. This luckily has lessened now but I doubt I will ever gain the trust that we once had in them.

The hardest thing is coming to terms with not being able to address these issues and accepting that as the real victims - we cannot do anything. We just have to try to resume normal life and put it behind us. I guess this will come with time.

You are so right about people given well intended advice of 'putting it behind you'. Easier said than done.

x

arghh... don't start me on social services.. according to the police they were happy for my husband to be home in August last year! (he was back home 8 months later) it angered me, and still to this day, that the niehgbour in question would shout stuff at me when i had my kids (such as "i will make you loose your children", chase me in a car, swear at me EVERYTIME i drove past him, get their daughter to say to my children at school that they're going to be taken away from their mummy and daddy, racist comments as i walked my children to school, even on friday i discovered that in a message to someone he said he wants to make sure my husband goesto prison for a minimum of 15 years!!!! ..

yet no-one, not one person protected me from that nieghbour, which the allegation started cos i had to call the police out on him as he was trying to kick my door down.. they never put a plan of action or anything, yet the only plan of action was to apparantly protect my children from their own dad. My children, even now draw me pictures of how terrified they are of this neighbour, yet no one protected us from the real criminal (who was in prison for sleeping with an underaged girl.. the irony hey!!) But yet my children said that daddy had never harmed them or touched them and their was no evidence in anything!!!



sorry rant over lol

[YearsOfHell]

I'm so sorry about all these allegations!
So many people being dragged through the "proverbial"!!
We too have to come into contact with the liars and their families and I agree with everything you are feeling.
Luckily the children haven't been directly affected by the nightmare for about 7 years now but they've had to live with what it does to us, their parents!
And I constantly ask them the surnames of any new pupils at school, just in case!!
I like to think it's been a learning curve and that I can better protect them from these things in the future as they reach young adulthood.
Until we were in the middle of it I had no idea that these things were even possible!
How you have coped with the harassment, I don't fathom!
It's driven us all to distraction!
Certain conditions mean that it's been nice and quiet for the last year, but that's all coming to an end in a few weeks and we're expecting trouble again.
All we can do is brace ourselves.
It seems that once someone's reputation is tarnished it's extremely difficult (if not impossible) to get it to shine once again.
One thing is for sure - life will NEVER be the same again!
Big hugs to all
YoH