Our worst nightmare is now happening

[Waiting to move on]

I don't think anyone really wants to be a member of this forum, and it's with a heavy heart I'm introducing myself.
Today after months of waiting, my son has found out he is probably going to be charged with rape, I'm currently sat crying as I type this, the whole family is on suicide watch, and I really don't know if he will still be here tomorrow.
I'm so incredibly angry with his ex g/f, he caught her cheating and her response was to have make up sex with him then accuse him of "non consensual sex", her words to him afterwards!
The police have had his phone for months and today he had to go back in to be re interviewed, the police produced a text that he had sent to his friends, when they asked him what she had said she had done to him, his reply "raped her", because he just put this and not she said I raped her, he is now going to be charged, and sent to jail, I feel like my whole family is falling apart, how do people cope, how do find information, we have a solicitor, he's told him to plead guilty, should he not be pleading not guilty, I need help

[Casehardened]

I've copied your introductory post to this section as any replies will sit better here.

Just a point re. the solicitors advice: he is duty bound to point out that a early guilty plea will result in a reduction in sentence; excellent advice if the defendant is actually guilty and the evidence is overwhelming, none of which applies in your son''s case!

If you however are not happy with the solicitor, or feel they are not 100% committed, this is the time (pre-charge) where your son can easily change representation. If you post up the region where the allegation was made members may be able to offer personal recommendations of a suitable firm or you could have a look through this thread:

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...ist-solicitors

PS if he does get charged this is by no means a 'go to jail' card, the jury have to be convinced of his guilt first!!

[Waiting to move on]

Thanks Casehardened

Our solicitor is highly reccomended on this forum, I think my son was just in shock, I didn't go to the station with him, so didn't have the opportunity to talk with his solicitor.
We weren't expecting today's outcome at all, I'm currently trying to get copies of the text conversation that my son had with his friends, so I can read the context of the messages, as obviously the police only showing him one message that said "raped her" out of a whole conversation, was to provoke a reaction, he was advised by his solicitor to say no comment.
We know he's not guilty, im just so heartbroken for him, she was his first girlfriend, he wasn't interested in playing around, he just wanted to meet a girl he could settle down with, it makes me so sad that there are girls out there who will ruin somebody's life without a second thought!

[Franticwithworry]

I'm so sorry that you've had to find us but so glad you did. You and your son will get lots of support here.

Please encourage your son to take you or a trusted friend to any further appointments with his solicitor. Two sets of ears are better than one. It's also a good idea to write down a list of any questions he has and to make notes while he's there, friend with him or not. It's all very stressful and easy for stuff to get forgotten.

The police are only looking for things to secure a conviction, so are past masters at taking things out of context. His solicitor will fill out the context of that text for him, but it's up to your son to give him all the information he needs. Too much is better than too little, so let no detail go left out. Let his solicitor decide what is useful and what is not.

Remember too, that you are both traumatised by all this. Give yourselves time to get back on an even keel. It can take much longer than you think, but it will happen and you will get through this.

Hugs to you both.

[anon2011]

I don't think anyone really wants to be a member of this forum, and it's with a heavy heart I'm introducing myself.
Today after months of waiting, my son has found out he is probably going to be charged with rape, I'm currently sat crying as I type this, the whole family is on suicide watch, and I really don't know if he will still be here tomorrow.
I'm so incredibly angry with his ex g/f, he caught her cheating and her response was to have make up sex with him then accuse him of "non consensual sex", her words to him afterwards!
The police have had his phone for months and today he had to go back in to be re interviewed, the police produced a text that he had sent to his friends, when they asked him what she had said she had done to him, his reply "raped her", because he just put this and not she said I raped her, he is now going to be charged, and sent to jail, I feel like my whole family is falling apart, how do people cope, how do find information, we have a solicitor, he's told him to plead guilty, should he not be pleading not guilty, I need help

he should not be pleading guilty. and his solicitor should not have advised that if your son has told him that he was not at fault. your son does have the option of asking for another solicitor. even if charged, a barrister will take over the case and your son needs to explain everything in very fine detail to them.

i am very sorry that you have found your way to this forum but we will all help and support as much as we can. your son is not alone in this. many of us here have either been through what you are feeling or are supporting someone who is. don't be afraid to ask questions and seek out advice. all i can say is be strong for your son. he needs you now more than ever

[Franticwithworry]

Solicitor's dont usually tell clients what to do, they outline the options and pleading guilty for a lower sentence is an option. It's hard to remember everything the solicotor said and how he said it, but your son should certainly not plead guilty when he has done nothing wrong.

I mentioned a couple of things on the other thread that might help and your son can change his solicitor if he's not happy with him but if he was recommended on this site it would probably be worth asking what he really meant first.

[Waiting to move on]

Well today we received a copy of the texts that my son had sent to his friends, where he clearly states that the raped his ex, I believe him when he tells me he didn't, and I think because she kept telling him it was rape he believed her.
It's not looking good for him, we are seeing a different solicitor on Friday, we are only seeing the messages where he has said that he raped her, his friends have said that there are messages where they asked him to explain everything and it clearly wasn't rape, but the police have chosen not to disclose those messages.
My questions are, can we ask for more messages to be shown, or can the police just choose to show the messages they want to, we now have to decide if it's better for him to admit guilt and hope for a shorter sentence (this breaks my heart, because I know he is innocent) or fight but with the possibility of a longer sentence.
We will know more on Friday, I'm still in shock, I have no idea how I have even functioned today.

[Franticwithworry]

Please don't panic, though I know how stressful this is.

Your son is not confined to the text messages the police choose to use. That's what his defence is all about. If his friends have more messages showing a different perspective, those are the ones his solicitor will need and use to show a more accurate picture. Get him to ask his friends to make screen shots of everything they have. He can then print off all the conversations and show them to his solicitor. Make sure they don't delete anything though.

His friends will likely be his defence witnesses too. Please, as I say, don't panic. This is your son's opportunity to gather all the evidence that supports his innocence. The police only look for guilt, your son provides the evidence of his innocence, and the solicitor presents his case for him.

It's a horrible, horrible ordeal, but many come out the other side with the correct verdict.

[anon2011]

Solicitor's dont usually tell clients what to do, they outline the options and pleading guilty for a lower sentence is an option. It's hard to remember everything the solicotor said and how he said it, but your son should certainly not plead guilty when he has done nothing wrong.

I mentioned a couple of things on the other thread that might help and your son can change his solicitor if he's not happy with him but if he was recommended on this site it would probably be worth asking what he really meant first.

i agree. would be better knowing more information as to exactly what was said and how it was said

[Mr B]

Dear WTMO. First a sad welcome to you, your son & extended family all going through this. Allegations / arrest etc smack mature men around let alone younger men. So I am mindful.
Some thoughts.
[1] Consult the forum re recommended solicitors in your area, if you are able to get legal aid excellent.
[2] Scan the False Accusers (FA) social media - screen shot the lot. Do not post anything anywhere for any reason on social medial. Extended family too.
[3] Adhere to any bail conditions religiously. I suspect your son is not on remand (apologies if I have not caught that). Police bail for a young man with no prior is what this layman would expect.
[4] As a family, hold a weekly all family conference & write everything down. Many minds work better on a problem. Why - ask why. Continue until you have the answer. First thing I learnt after I was falsely & maliciously accused is you have no privacy at all. I also learnt that the UK Public do not care what you say you were falsely accused of, they judge the honesty of HOW you say you are falsely accused.
[5] Keep him in & out of general circulation in case he is picked on & other events start happening. Simply put, when I was on the ropes the opportunity to make bad decision was there & regrettably the risk of taking them increases. I tended to care less about life & that is when a whole cascade of cr*p can start. If he wants a drink then at home please until this is all over.
[6] Remember you are not alone. Never. As an individual or a family. You have come to the right place.
[7] You will go through a team creation process (Storming > Norming > Forming > Performing) with yourselves, trusted friends (emphasis on trusted) & solicitor. It is like a grieving process under intense work stress. Terrible. Your tears are normal. You anger will be too. Hence the Storming to Performing process. It is natural & to be expected.
[8] Police are not your friends & will disregard any evidence of innocence & focus on evidence supporting conviction exclusively. They will use every underhand tactic within the law with glee. A few might go beyond it. So always have a solicitor at all interviews - no exceptions under any circumstances.
[9] Keep a file of everything in date order. Nothing gets taken out - it always stays in the house.
[10] If you can, go with him to the solicitor. Make sure he is comfortable asking questions & getting answers. If he is not help him out.
[11] Depersonalise the situation (if you can...when I was crying in the pub a lovely lady who heard my whole story say "Think of it as a business deal gone bad". This is being falsely & malicious accused of child sexual assault on my daughter by the wife for the purposes of enhanced settlement in divorce). A lot of the stress you will feel is due to the consternation that an FA can do this to anyone (as you are projecting your morals onto the FA - but the FA does not have your morals - so do not do it). To the FA though, you are just sport. When you realise that, a lot of your stress reduced. Once you find the answer to "why?" a lot of the stress reduces
[12] If he has a phone make sure he used an automatic all recorder for all inbound & outbound calls & backs the calls up. They are less than a fiver & well worth the money. Call monitor inbound landline calls.
[13] Accept that this is going to be a challenge, but you can & will handle it. Your son is innocent. That is worth fighting through all of it for.
Hope the above resonates with you.
Come back here - often.
Kindest regards
Mr B

[Mr B]

Whilst I am here www.shrink4men.com helped me. Dr Tara Palmatier does some excellent accessible & watchable videos discussing mental illness relevant to an FA - you would be well advised to list to a few & see if it helps. It helped me in my situation. It will perhaps help your son check the "dating red flags" for the next g/f.

Kindest regards & wishing you the best of outcomes.
Mr B

[Waiting to move on]

Because of what my son has said in his texts, it makes him look very guilty.
We have sat down and asked him to tell us everything, and not hold back for fear of hurting us, he said his ex was telling him he had raped her, she didn't consent, etc, and she convinced him that he had raped her, I absolutely believe he did not do it, but because he was so upset over finding out she cheated and her telling him he had raped her, he was texting his friends basically telling them what she was saying to him.
The solicitor has advised that based on the evidence (texts) a custodial sentence is going to happen, so his best option is to cooperate, show remorse and go for a shorter prison term, he said he should fall into cat 3b, which would hopefully be 5 years, with 30% off for showing remorse, admitting guilt, so 3.5 years serving half that.
Obviously I'm getting another opinion, but my son has said if he's going to be sentenced, he just wants the shortest possible term, he's scared of fighting for his innocence and ending up with a longer term.

[Waiting to move on]

Thanks Mr B, some really good points. My son is not on bail, he was released from bail months ago.
The voice recording is a great idea, I'm going to look into that now.
I think we are still in shock, but I'm writing all sorts down, it breaks my heart that he is even considering pleading guilty when he knows he's innocent, but I understand how worried he is about prison and if that's going to happen he just wants it over.
It's really good to be able to ask advice and read other posts, it's really helping me focus.

[Mr B]

I am not offering legal advice, however if your son is innocent (but made a mistake be quoting verbatim phrases used by the FA in his texts) he still is innocent. Naïve (but then we all were once) but still very much innocent.

Innocence is worth fighting for.

Giving up gives your False Accuser a victory. A victory & empowerment that will be used again & again so others suffer. You suffer first. A conviction will not go away. So, think twice & if you need to pay for a second opinion privately if you have to. It would be money well spent I suggest given the choices. Then at least you can make a more informed choice. I am not saying your are not making one now, just one legal practitioner's opinion....is not enough to really make this choice I would suggest. Seek out another before making any choice, please.

By way of prison life here is a guide.
http://www.prisonism.co.uk/HMP-A-Sur...rmole-2015.pdf

Mr B

[Mr B]

I am hoping someone more experienced will be along presently to help you.

I feel for the dilemma but looking guilty & being it are very different things. I feel for your son. All my issues came when I was 47 & I fought it. It knocked the stuffing out of me & still is doing so. So being mindful of your family I would suggest talking all the options over. Over & over. I do not underestimate the challenge your son is facing.

I am mindful of your situation. I need to sign off (early start tomorrow) but do pop back here. Often. Sleep as well as you can. Fight. Fight.

Kindest regards
Mr B