Another falseley accused sayig hello

[ariadne]

I've been reading a lot of the threads here so thought it was time to join in the chat.

A couple of weeks ago I had a one night stand type thing, something I've done a number of times, and never given much thought to. Maybe not something to be particularly proud of, but nonetheless not deserving of what happened next!

It was a pretty standard thing, chatted to someone online and on whatsapp and met up in public, she wanted to go somewhere private, which we did, had sex, afterwards she was happy and suggested meeting again and we parted ways and I didn't think much more about it ... until the police turned up in the middle of the night a couple of days later to arrest me for rape! This was a scenario I#d never contemplated, so I was very calm and let them take all my computers and the clothes I'd been wearing.

Being in a cell for several hours was a surreal experience. Eventually the solicitor arrived and was reassuring, he said the police evidence was ridiculous, and that even the police seemed to think so, and that he knew instantly it was rubbish and not to worry as it would all be "done and dusted" very quickly and the police had even told him I'd have all my stuff back in a few days. I joked that I had been worried about going to prison and he laughed and said there's zero chance of that have no fear, she's probably just trying to get compo so eplain the story in full and it'll be over pretty soon. I believed him, how naive!

After the brief interview I was relaxed - there were messages between us that showed she was more than willing, and I had nothing to hide. The whole thing was just bizarre. But after getting home and having a browse online and on this forum, I now realise it is not that simple In fact, what happens now is just a lottery and in fact prison is by no means an impossibility. That's incredible to me, that I could spend years behind bars over a lie.

I also realise the comment about my property was nonsense and in fact there is no hope of seeing any of this again any time soon. They even took my driving licence and credit card. It has caused a lot of problems getting by for a few days.

I called Chris Saltrese thinking there must be something I can do, but now realise that I am totally powerless, and simply have to sit and wait, in a state of constant anxiety waiting for someone to decide whether to charge me or not, and there seems little rhyme or reason over which way that will go. The interviewing officer invited me during the interview to call her to arrange to get my stuff back but when I did her tone had changed totally, she said something on the lines of "you are accused of rape, so you don't have any right to ask for anything". I felt like saying "Yes but I've not done anything wrong and am actually a victim of a crazy person who decided to wreck my life on a whim" but held my tongue!

My neighbour saw me being arrested and told some friends so I decided just to tell them the truth. If they think I'm a rapist so be it, I know I'm as far from a rapist as you could possibly imagine. I get totally turned off by a woman being not in the mood, and the idea of forcing myself on someone holds to interest to me. My girlfriend knows this so when I told her what happened and invited her to decide whether she wanted to opt out of this or not, she said she knew there was no way I would do anything at all like this and has been very supportive. I wouldn't blame her if she chose to leave and find a partner with less baggage frankly, but she has chosen to stick around and is quite angry about it all, which I admit has been a little surprising as she is actually quite an ardent feminist who has said many times she thinks more rapists should be jailed. But I think now she has seen that in fact women do lie, and this one has.

Anyway, thought I'd add my story to all the others, and hopefully it will end the thread with an NFA at some point, but who knows. Meanwhile I am trying to just get on with life and not think too much about it, or I start to get very sad and worried

[YearsOfHell]

Welcome to the forum!
Sorry you've found yourself here.

You have a fabulous outlook and you are to be commended with how you've handled this so far!
My OH was very similar to you in this way.
He just got on with his life and didn't over think it all, (although he did have his "moments"!)
Me, however, I went into panic mode!!

Hang on to that feeling, it'll see you through.
Hopefully you won't be in this nightmare for too long, it really can drag on for many months, even years!

Glad to hear your partner is supporting you. You may well need her on your bad days.
Keep positive!!

YoH

[Rights Fighter]

The interviewing officer invited me during the interview to call her to arrange to get my stuff back but when I did her tone had changed totally, she said something on the lines of "you are accused of rape, so you don't have any right to ask for anything".

So why on earth suggest that? This will be on tape of course and hopefully the solicitor made notes. Maybe ask him/her to check their notes and ask for things you need, such as your driving licence once they have finished with them, and remind the officer of her offer.

[ariadne]

So why on earth suggest that? This will be on tape of course and hopefully the solicitor made notes. Maybe ask him/her to check their notes and ask for things you need, such as your driving licence once they have finished with them, and remind the officer of her offer.

It's possib;e the tape had been switched off by then, I can't be sure. I'd had no sleep and was exhausted so it's hard to remember precisely, but that was what she said when she gave me her number and told me to ring the next day. Chris has put in a request but tbh I've just begun replacing things on the assumption they are gone for the forseeable.

[Shocked777]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine.

I too had consensual activity with a woman and had messages before and after confirming consent and both parties being happy.

I too am quite promiscuous. You shouldn't question yourself on this, this isn't about morality (and even if it were there's nothing morally dubious about a single man being promiscuous). The fact that you've had a few one night stands and never been accused of this before works in your favour.

When I arrived at the police station my duty solicitor was equally confident that nothing would come of this and the police also indicated they didn't believe her.

I was NFAd in 10 days and my FA is now being investigated over new hard evidence in which she has admitted it was a lie.

What you're going through is horrendous, but you seem to be dealing with it much better than I did (and more than most). Given what you've said and my (limited non-legal) experience I'd be very confident this won't go any further.

It would be worth passively monitoring social media such as Twitter and Facebook by taking screen shots. Do not, however, contact her. This proved useful for me and police have asked for screenshots as evidence in prosecuting her. I would recommend speaking to a lawyer about how to handle yourself if she ever contacts you via sms or whatsapp again. This can be compelling evidence but you need to deal with it in the right way.

I wish you all the best and I'm here if you need to talk to anyone.

[ariadne]

Thanks for the replies. I was doing ok but today I feel really low. It's hit me how real and awful this is. There's no good outcome and very real chance of a terrible outcome. Had a moment after waking where I wondered if it was worth it, or better to find a tall building and finish it myself. Not real suicidal thoughts, but they idea crept into my head.

At first I felt ok, I haven't done anything wrong and it'll be ok. Now having read this forum a lot, I see much shakier cases than mine ending in prison. I have nothing to back up my word..no messages afterwards, no motive, nothing I can disprove, nothing on social media. It's her word v mine and that seems to be enough to destroy my life.

I can also tell my friends find it hard to accept there can't be more to it. And I can't blame them. It makes no sense.

Feel pretty hopeless right now and potentially months more to go...feels like a slog that's not worth it with only misery at the finish line

How can someone do this to another person whose done them no harm. It's unbelievable.

[Shocked777]

Now you're starting to sound how I felt. It's perfectly normal to feel desperate and lost. Please call FASO or Samaritans if you need someone to talk to desperately. If I could give you my number here I'd tell you to call me.

Not having messages or social media after the alleged incident does not mean you have no case, I was just using mine as an example. You have to listen to what your lawyer and the police said to you. It's easy to focus on the negatives and it is perfectly normal but many of us have been through this and come out the other side.

The police will look at CCTV, your criminal history, messages between the two of you, her history and witnesses. The truth will out, you need to believe that.

[Franticwithworry]

And many cases end with bananas. Try to focus on that and hang in there. You're bound to have ups and downs, but better days will come, really they will.

[ariadne]

Amazingly, thanks to Chris, I am getting all my computer's and much other property back tomorrow..after just two weeks! They aren't bothering to examine them, which has to be a positive sign? They are keeping just my phone.

[Rights Fighter]

YAYYYYYYY! If anyone can do that, Chris can!

[slowdown73]

Sorry to hear you are in this situation. I would try and not worry too much at this stage although I know it's easier said than done. There is a chance the Police may be trying to build a case against your accuser and they need to examine the messages on your phone. I find it very strange the officer told you to ring this woman after she had accused you of rape. Normally you would be advised to have no direct contact with her as it could be classed as witness intimidation. Keep your chin up and stay positive. You've done nothing wrong and hopefully this situation will be resolved very soon.

[Lucky]

Amazingly, thanks to Chris, I am getting all my computer's and much other property back tomorrow..after just two weeks! They aren't bothering to examine them, which has to be a positive sign? They are keeping just my phone.

go chris nice to see him getting your comp back

[ariadne]

Absolutely nothing has happened at all, which feels weird given that this is the only thing I really think about now. I realise it is quite normal though, and could have many many more months of this to come. I'm getting along as well as possible, but honestly having this hanging over me feels like a prison sentence in itself, and I am quite numb to the eventual outcome now, whatever it may be. The lying accuser wins whatever happens, either a bit of my life is ruined, or years of it - there is no winning outcome for me.

My girlfriend is the only one who knows the full details, and has been amazingly supportive, but to be honest I'm not sure she fully comprehends the gravity of the situation. Her view is that she know I have done nothing wrong so it will all be ok. Sometimes I show her a thread on here, and she is stunned by the reality of the system, particularly the massive risk-free financial incentive for women to lie - I think it has opened her eyes a little, since she was always very much in the "no woman would lie about rape" camp. Also the fact that the accuser lied about certain things which can be proven by messages etc, she assumes these will exonerate me, and finds it hard to accept the police would just ignore such evidence. She was drug-raped herself earlier this year and didn't report it because she assumed no one would believe her, ironically. She keeps talking about the future, marriage family etc, and I have to remind her there's a real chance we won't be together in a few years because I'll be in prison.

Anyway, I have been thinking about how to plan ahead ... what do people normally do about their homes/possessions if they are charged and end up in court? If I was to be found guilty, presumably one wouldn't normally just leave their house empty and full of property for years on end? But how do you go about preparing for this possibility, when it might not be needed in the end anyway?

Also, I have some pets, and will need to have someone on standby to take them if I am sent down - presumably you don't get an opportunity after a guilty verdict to sort this kind of thing out? But who on earth would "potentially" agree to look after a dog, for example? I guess if charged I'd sadly have to give my dog away before the trial, or at least take it to a dog home to be re-homed or put down? What have others done in this scenario? I don't have any family who would help out, in fact I wouldn't even like them to know about this situation. How sad

Another question - if charged, is it recommended to tell everyone you know before they read it in the paper? And can you move after the charge? Not sure I fancy walking around with everyone knowing what I'm accused of.

I'm not being negative, just trying to be prepared for the worst case scenario - after reading these forums, it seems quite possible indeed that I could end up eventually behind bars for years on the back of unverifiable lies of one person so I feel I should at least have a plan in place. Particularly as I have nothing in my favour at all, it's just her word against mine and I can visualise a jury believing a young woman over a promiscuous bloke if she's a good enough liar.

It's all so surreal. Simply the last thing I ever contemplated happening to me. I practice buddhism, so have lived according to the principles of loving kindness and would never hurt anyone, yet here I am. It has made me a little cynical about human nature, and of course the legal system.

I've read many threads on here and want to offer words of support, some of the tales are outrageous and it is terrible this kind of thing can happen. But I feel I have little to contribute at the moment. If I get through it I'll try to help where I can, based on my experience, and also if I see any threads with similar sorts of situations to mine.

[Franticwithworry]

Ok, first things first - you are contributing a great deal. The very fact that you can post on here rational, reasonable, sensible stuff, asking questions that many people on here want to know the answers to, is strong, supportive and shows others who are struggling that it is possible to survive this. Don't underestimate this; it's huge.

I'm not sure I will or even can address everything in your post - while I'm answering I can't see it as I haven't used it as a quote, and I can only tell you how we have worked things out so far.

We have decided to prepare for the worst and hope for the best, and in practice that means putting a few things in place that we hopefully won't need. Your girlfriend may be on a steep learning curve, but if she still sees a future for you, that's wonderful. Until there's a charge, there's nothing much you can or need do, but in that event, you do need someone who will 'do' for you. For couples it's almost, but not quite, a foregone conclusion that the supporting spouse will make whatever arrangements are needed. Either a spouse, friend or parent needs to be aware and willing to help but again, not until charged. There's time to sort things out between charge and trial.

At that point, if it comes, we plan to set up a Power of Attorney so that I can deal with any housing banking or other issues that my man normally deals with or anything that needs us both. We have taken the opportunity to 'get our house in order' literally, so that if the worst comes to the worst, it will be easy(ier) for me to pack up and move at short notice if I need to find somewhere smaller and cheaper. We've talked about what to dispose of and what to keep, so that we don't make those decisions under stress. We have a pet and we've talked about what to do if I have to move somewhere that won't allow them.

We also made sure that any solicitor instructed has authority to talk to us both all the way through the process.

As for telling anyone, there's no guarantee that the press will be involved so we aren't saying anything to anyone who doesn't need to know. The accuser(s) have done a good job of spreading their story, and a few people have asked us about it, but for the most part we've kept silent, only answering questions we've been asked. That's worked well so far.

We will be sure to follow Rightsfighters advice and have a 'nasty bag' ready if we end up at trial.

Interestingly, this has all brought us closer together and strengthened our relationship. I didn't think it was possible, as we've been through some tough times already, but there you go - life continually throws up surprises and challenges. On my better days I remember that this is just another one. :-)

I hope this helps a bit.

[TBG1]

Hi Ariadne,


I'm sorry that you're going through this hell. And from reading your post, I can tell that's where you are right now.


In many ways, it's good that you are thinking about the practical things such as property and pets etc., - Lots of people, including those on this forum, say that you shouldn't burden yourself with the "what if I go to prison" thoughts at this point....and they're right to do so....but sometimes I don't think it's a bad thing to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation that you (we) find yourself in.


Having said that, in general terms there is little (practical) value in "preparing yourself for the worst" at this point simply because (a) You might be informed that No Further Action will be taken or (b) If you are charged, it still remains for you to be found guilty of something you haven't done. At the very least, if you are charged, I would estimate that there is a minimum of a year from now until your case would be heard so any plans you make now would have to be too "fluid" for them to be worthwhile.


It doesn't hurt to consider these things (I know I have) and to do so might even help by way of focussing your mind off of your situation. But do hold off from actually putting any plans in motion - there is every likelihood that they won't be needed - but if the worst happens (charge) and you've already "put your affairs in order", the mindset that that will give you (almost resigned to the worst-case-scenario) won't be very helpful to you when the fight begins.


I noticed in your original post and subsequent ones that you make mention that "women do lie" and the like - I know you didn't mean anything untoward by this (you were simply commenting on your own situation) but in the interests of fairness I would also like to point out that it isn't just women that lie about sexual allegations for all sorts of reasons, including financial gain.


Try to remain positive and please do comment on people's threads - you might think you have nothing to contribute, but you'll be surprised at how much simply engaging with someone who can empathise with your situation can help.



Best Wishes,


TBG1