Having an anxious day

[Franticwithworry]

Really can't cope with this situation any more. My lovely husband is struggling, my heart is breaking.

Keeping up the pretence that everything is ok to the outside world, wondering what the future holds and if we'll ever be the people we once were.

Feel like we've been burying our heads in the sand since the last bail date and now reality is back. How can someone be so cruel to do this to their own flesh and blood. We are so frightened, yet talking about it is unbearable. Just don't know where to go from here.

You will never be the people you once were, but the chances are you will be stronger, kinder and more empathic. It's odd, very odd, but there is a silver lining to this storm cloud.

It's hard to keep up the pretence, but try not to think of it like that. Try to think in terms of being an Oscar-winning actress. You have a job to do at the moment, which is to keep a brave face on things, but it will not last for ever, just like shooting a movie - and what you are hiding from people is stuff that is none of their business.

Getting from bail date to bail date is a marathon, and it's less to do with burying your head in the sand than just getting through from day to day. It's an endurance task. My man's bail date is looming again and I can see and feel the tension building too. Know that you are not alone with these feelings. I sometimes think that this only happens to lovely people. My man is lovely too and didn't deserve this. Neither did, you, I, or the family members who support us, and we are all lovely people who wouldn't wish this on our worst enemies.

The false accusers are, I think, are often narcissists who don't give a fig about anyone but themselves. Realising that helped me not waste too much energy on worrying about them, in spite of them being family members. It's heartbreaking, I know, but the only people we can control and begin to understand is ourselves. My heart is shattered worrying about the family members who support us and don't understand the accusers.

The only way to go is forward, taking each day as it comes. Tomorrow is another day and I hope you feel more able to cope in the morning.

[Mr B]

Dear Jan 11.

As per FWW post above the narcissist reference is relevant. www.shrink4men.com & the blogs & video blogs on you tube from Dr Tara Palmatier helped me understand a lot about the condition. It is a form of mental illness.

Read & Listen - it will take some of the lack of understanding away. It will reduce the stress. I would rather you get through this as a couple / family with less rather than more, stress.

I accept it is geared for men in abusive relationships. It is NOT gender bashing FWIW. However it may help you & yours with the situation.

We are hear for you. You are not alone. Come back often.

Mr B

[Jan11]

Wow. Thank you both so much. Fww your post made me shed some tears but it was just what I needed. Feeling a little better today. My OH is just thinking the worst, because we haven't heard anything. And he won't call the OIC. So we've dropped our solicitor a line and await his response.

I never really understood what a narcissist was, but my word Mr B the descriptions of the relationship dynamics on the link you provided could have been written about our relationship with FA. Our only crime was that we saw behind her mask and for that we are now receiving our punishment. It's still sad, but at least I understand it now. Thank you.

[Mr B]

You are welcome. We all are in the legal machine due to no fault of our own. The psychopathology of it & those that use FA to exercise it, are almost as guilty as the Crown in so far as the Crown knows this is an illness, but is just so self justifying & profitable for the Crown to destroy people using this configuration of circumstances. They will not fix it...readily. What is their incentive? Lord Brammel?

I am sorry to say that with this legal construct in place the Crown is derelict & must either change or fall.

It is that simple.

However off the soapobox now - I hope you feel much better soon & get the positive result you deserve. Give the OH a hug from me (in the nicest possible way).

Mr B

[justanotherday]

Us too :-(

Hi Jan11

I have just found this forum and your post was the first I read to apologies for jumping on your post but your story resinates with us.

My husband has been faslely accused of sexual abuse of his sister from the age of 5 (he was 9) and rape when she was over 16.

He was arrested in May and had 2 rebails so far - file has been submitted to CPS and hopeful of a decision by next bail date.

We have a 2 year old who he now cannot be unsupervised with!!! (along with any other under 16) The accuser is one of our childs god parents and he is neices godparent too!! (the child of the accuser!)

No one had ever heard anything of these claims until May 15, it has completely split the family but the immediate family, including parents have disowned the accuser.

Luckily we don't live close to his side of the family though.

how can a family member that you have spent christmases and holidays with do this? We are both terrified but trying to keep normality for our son!

Thinking of you all x

[hello88]

Wow. Thank you both so much. Fww your post made me shed some tears but it was just what I needed. Feeling a little better today. My OH is just thinking the worst, because we haven't heard anything. And he won't call the OIC. So we've dropped our solicitor a line and await his response.

I never really understood what a narcissist was, but my word Mr B the descriptions of the relationship dynamics on the link you provided could have been written about our relationship with FA. Our only crime was that we saw behind her mask and for that we are now receiving our punishment. It's still sad, but at least I understand it now. Thank you.

my OH was just the same in not wanting to phone OIC Don't know what the thought proccesses of FA's are but they get defensive because you see their true colours (or they know you know their true colours) and instead of trying to hide their true colours they make a FA and show more people their true colours (which is what will happen in the long run).. and trust me, those colours arn't pretty pastels!!

just keep strong, when my FA contact other people (and my FA's friend and accuser) i did mention it to the police and although they said thay "can't do anything" i think that they do note it down. They can't be too pleased if they've contacted 'witnesses' before they have, i know that deep down our OIC wasn't to happy.

keep strong xxxx

[hello88]

Hi Jan11

I have just found this forum and your post was the first I read to apologies for jumping on your post but your story resinates with us.

My husband has been faslely accused of sexual abuse of his sister from the age of 5 (he was 9) and rape when she was over 16.

He was arrested in May and had 2 rebails so far - file has been submitted to CPS and hopeful of a decision by next bail date.

We have a 2 year old who he now cannot be unsupervised with!!! (along with any other under 16) The accuser is one of our childs god parents and he is neices godparent too!! (the child of the accuser!)

No one had ever heard anything of these claims until May 15, it has completely split the family but the immediate family, including parents have disowned the accuser.

Luckily we don't live close to his side of the family though.

how can a family member that you have spent christmases and holidays with do this? We are both terrified but trying to keep normality for our son!

Thinking of you all x

Sorry to see you here... family tend to do it for any reason.. jelousy, sympathy, money (inheritance)... some people who FA (falsely accuse) don't know the full effect it has on the accused person, some however do.

I'm so sorry to hear that you have a little one, my youngest was 10 months old when my husband was accused, also had a 4 year old and 7 year old. It took 10 months to NFA and 11 months till OH was home, and 7 months later my children, including my youngest are doing very very well, so despite the upset of seperation of family for your Little One, he will recover so don't worry!

It's good you've got support of alot of the family. Times like this is when you can really find out who your true friends and family are.

How long till your next bail date?? Was it May 2015 when the accusations where made and husband arrested/questioned?

keep strong xxxx

[justanotherday]

Hello88, thank you for your message.

the accusations were first aired (by text to a family member who disregarded them and backs us completly) in May 15 and my husband was arrested, interviewed and released without charge in May 16, we aren't 100% but think the accuser went to the police in April 16.

Did your OH have to leave the family home? sorry if you don't want to talk about it, I know how hard it is. My OH is still at home but not allowed unsupervised access.

next bail date is 3weeks, right in time for Christmas!!!


Thank you, I'm looking forward to him coming home to tell him about this forum, it really is sad the amount of people having to go through the same thing xx

[hello88]

ahhh o.k... yeah my OH had to leave the family home and for the first 3 months only allowed supervised access once a week and then twice a week starting end of summer holidays. I overheard my health visitor at one point questioned if my OH could have more supervised access to the social worker but the social worker replied "no, because the victim is really upset about what has happened"

but anyway ss make up their own rules.It was heartbreaking for the children when we were going through it (maybe read my millions of previous rants.. i mean posts lol) But my children have made me proud and doing really really well now. They seemed to of got 'over' it quicker than us adults lol! I have to say that my now 2 year old doenst seem to of been affected by it at all now, he had a skin condition due to stress when we where going through it but now he is doing excellent with speech and everything and advanced for his age so its not the end of the world for them. (actually might mention that i gloat over the fact that he is doing better than the 'accusers' two year old who can't even talk )

3 weeks time.. is i guess begining of december?? Our first bail date was 8th december, it decided our christmas for us and it wasnt a good christmas. But it just made us realise how important having family together this christmas is.. its hard when you're going through it but honestly, every cloud does have a silver lining

xxx

[justanotherday]

wow that seems harsh, was he charged straight away?

sometimes I want to shout at those stupid people....It's all lies!!! i can't believe how many 'professional' people get sucked in. when I had the initial call from SS the dopy woman at their end asked how I felt and how i would feel if he was charged... she then went onto say that in 99% of abuse cases the allegatins are true!!! needless to say I put a formal complaint in!!!

Our actual social worker was lovely though, as hubby isnt charged she said she saw no need to 'remove him from the house'!

Well done to your children, and im sure it's a result of you holding everything together as we do.

My 2 year old is having his tonsils out end of next week so something else to concentrate on.

We are having a family day out on sunday, we had planned it nearer to christmas but if he is charged I have no idea what will happen in terms of being able to spend time together etc so brought it forward.

Its two weeks in fact, 1st december

xx

[hello88]

wow that seems harsh, was he charged straight away?

sometimes I want to shout at those stupid people....It's all lies!!! i can't believe how many 'professional' people get sucked in. when I had the initial call from SS the dopy woman at their end asked how I felt and how i would feel if he was charged... she then went onto say that in 99% of abuse cases the allegatins are true!!! needless to say I put a formal complaint in!!!

Our actual social worker was lovely though, as hubby isnt charged she said she saw no need to 'remove him from the house'!

Well done to your children, and im sure it's a result of you holding everything together as we do.

My 2 year old is having his tonsils out end of next week so something else to concentrate on.

We are having a family day out on sunday, we had planned it nearer to christmas but if he is charged I have no idea what will happen in terms of being able to spend time together etc so brought it forward.

Its two weeks in fact, 1st december

xx

no... he was never charged... infact it didn't even go to cps it was such a weak case (NFA end of march).. although the initial allegation sounded horrendus, and co-incidently happened when the accuser was the same age as our eldest daughter at the time (6) might of made a difference that i was living with my hubby at the time the allegation supposedly happaned and in their statement they said that i was niave and too dumb to know what was going on (or something along the lines like that)

for us supervised access had to be with myself AND another adult (most of the time my mum). Social services made lots of annoying mistakes, from leaving confidential notes in photocopier, to discussing about it infornt of another pre-school parent.. even when they knocked on the door they told me that if i allowed my husband to have access with the children (for first 3 weeks my husband was not alowed any access or phonecalls to the children at all until the social services find ot more), or if i allow more than agreed supervised access, then my children would be immediatly put into care... that was a lie, but only found that out a week after NFA.

i think what i've learnt that if you prioritise your children and always put them first then things will work out good and they will be alright

xxxx

[Franticwithworry]

Wow. Thank you both so much. Fww your post made me shed some tears but it was just what I needed. Feeling a little better today. My OH is just thinking the worst, because we haven't heard anything. And he won't call the OIC. So we've dropped our solicitor a line and await his response.

I never really understood what a narcissist was, but my word Mr B the descriptions of the relationship dynamics on the link you provided could have been written about our relationship with FA. Our only crime was that we saw behind her mask and for that we are now receiving our punishment. It's still sad, but at least I understand it now. Thank you.

I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better, but sorry I made you cry.

[Jan11]

I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better, but sorry I made you cry.

Frantic, your words were just so kind still rooting for you and your OH.

[Jan11]

Hi Jan11

I have just found this forum and your post was the first I read to apologies for jumping on your post but your story resinates with us.

My husband has been faslely accused of sexual abuse of his sister from the age of 5 (he was 9) and rape when she was over 16.

He was arrested in May and had 2 rebails so far - file has been submitted to CPS and hopeful of a decision by next bail date.

We have a 2 year old who he now cannot be unsupervised with!!! (along with any other under 16) The accuser is one of our childs god parents and he is neices godparent too!! (the child of the accuser!)

No one had ever heard anything of these claims until May 15, it has completely split the family but the immediate family, including parents have disowned the accuser.

Luckily we don't live close to his side of the family though.

how can a family member that you have spent christmases and holidays with do this? We are both terrified but trying to keep normality for our son!

Thinking of you all x

Hello. I'm sorry you find yourself here but equally glad that you have found this forum.

We have asked ourselves the same questions regarding the FA. Holidays, special occasions, she was a witness at our wedding. Unfortunately for us though, we eventually saw what she was really like and as they say, attack is the best form of defence. We always knew she would plot some sort of revenge - at least we know what that is now.

I'm so sorry to hear ss are involved, it is so difficult when little ones are around to not let them pick up on things.

I really hope you get the outcome you are waiting for. Each day there seems to be a new media piece about false accusations - which only gives me hope that the tide is turning.

Thank you for posting. to you and your family

[Jan11]

my OH was just the same in not wanting to phone OIC Don't know what the thought proccesses of FA's are but they get defensive because you see their true colours (or they know you know their true colours) and instead of trying to hide their true colours they make a FA and show more people their true colours (which is what will happen in the long run).. and trust me, those colours arn't pretty pastels!!

Hit the nail on the head. Thank you for replying. Your words have given us strength in the last 48 hours and everyone who has replied.thank you.