Having an anxious day

[Jan11]

Hello. First post and first of all want to say thank you to everyone on this site which has kept me semi sane over the last few weeks. Your strength is inspiring.

Husband has been accused of historical sexual abuse by a family member when he was a teenager. He was bailed for two months after voluntarily attending police station. I just want to say to those in the first few days of this hell that it does get easier. Slowly but surely and one day at a time. I've gone from throwing up, crying my eyes out to actually going for an hour or so not thinking about it.

We were doing surprisingly well until yesterday when we found out the FA has sent an email to all of the family saying what he is supposed to have done!

Is there anything we can do to stop this defamation of character? I have been sent a copy of it the email.

So...today is back to being anxious, tears etc. Any advice would be great.

[Franticwithworry]

How horrible for you!

Something similar happened for us, and quite honestly, we found that there was nothing we could do about it. However, we discovered that once the information was out in the open, it quickly became clear where we had support and where we didn't. That, though it split the family, was actually a good thing in the long run. We know where we are now and aren't constantly wondering who knows and what they think.

It's dreadful, but once the accusation has been made officially, there's not a lot you can do to stop the snowball. We didn't approach anyone and let people come to us with support, or not, as they chose. It took a while for everything to settle, but now it has over several weeks/months, and now, as I say we know where the support is or isn't.

As an aside, speaking generally, the fact that she has told 'the world' what is happening, and by email too, goes some way to confirm and indicate that her allegation is false. That doesn't help you right now and may not at all, but most genuine victims are much more discreet about their experiences. She is not doing herself any favours. It would be a good idea to keep a notebook and document all that happens.

It's very, very hard to sit back and let the chips fall where they may, but it was the best thing we could have done we think. Maintaining a dignified silence speaks volumes if you can manage it. If someone asks you about it, then that is the time to speak, and you may find support where you least expect it. We did.

I'm glad that things were getting a little more bearable for you and hope that this is just a bump in the road.

[Jan11]

Thank you for your support franticwithworry.

I spoke to the duty solicitor who attended with OH when he was interviewed and he thinks it's worth reporting to the police. I'm not too sure....

Without revealing too much I'm scared about what the FA might do next. She lives very close by and I'm petrified of seeing her.

Are you still going through your ordeal franticwithworry? You are quite right in that we will find out people's true feelings and keeping a dignified silence has so far been our approach. I just feel so sorry for OH.

I will try and post on other threads if I can help and am thinking of all of you have found themselves in the hell of FAs.

[Rights Fighter]

Save all communications from her. One day she might slip up in her allegations, dates etc.....

[Franticwithworry]

Be guided by your solicitor and your own feelings. It's possible that if you tell the OIC he will have words with her and tell her to stop, but on the other hand, she may well do nothing else or, if she does, as RightsFighter says, she might help you by tripping herself up.

Yes, we are still in the middle of all this. Its almost a year now and we still have no indication of where things are or even if the CPS have been asked to make a decision yet. We can't even take a holiday away from home because of the bail conditions - not that there's been much summer to enjoy!

We do our best to keep things at the backs of our minds these days as there's no point in worrying about things we can do nothing about. That's the theory anyway.

[Jan11]

Save all communications from her. One day she might slip up in her allegations, dates etc.....

Yes this email was obviously sent in anger, it's text book passive aggressive behaviour. So I will keep it safe. Thank you.

[Jan11]

Be guided by your solicitor and your own feelings. It's possible that if you tell the OIC he will have words with her and tell her to stop, but on the other hand, she may well do nothing else or, if she does, as RightsFighter says, she might help you by tripping herself up.

Yes, we are still in the middle of all this. Its almost a year now and we still have no indication of where things are or even if the CPS have been asked to make a decision yet. We can't even take a holiday away from home because of the bail conditions - not that there's been much summer to enjoy!

We do our best to keep things at the backs of our minds these days as there's no point in worrying about things we can do nothing about. That's the theory anyway.

It sounds like you have done so well franticwithworry, I hope you get some positive news soon. And then that long awaited break.

[Franticwithworry]

It sounds like you have done so well franticwithworry, I hope you get some positive news soon. And then that long awaited break.

Thank you. I hope you get good news soon too.

[YearsOfHell]

Jan11

I have days like this still.
My OH was NFA last December but the defamation of him by the family members of the accuser continues on.
My OH was "named and shamed" on Facebook despite NFA by police/CPS.
We've had threats, property damaged, false arrests.
It's a nightmare.

I wish I could tell you what to do to make it go away but I can't.
All I can say is ride it out!
You are not the people they say you are so don't react to their lies.
Be yourselves, try and carry on with your life (not easy at all)

It's been said but keep anything that could be evidence.
Keep it all. You never know what use it will be.
We have a whole folder of stuff including screenshots, photos, police reports.

Hang in there.
You will have good days too.
Make the most of them!!
Big hugs
YoH

[Staystrong1]

Hello. First post and first of all want to say thank you to everyone on this site which has kept me semi sane over the last few weeks. Your strength is inspiring.

Husband has been accused of historical sexual abuse by a family member when he was a teenager. He was bailed for two months after voluntarily attending police station. I just want to say to those in the first few days of this hell that it does get easier. Slowly but surely and one day at a time. I've gone from throwing up, crying my eyes out to actually going for an hour or so not thinking about it.

We were doing surprisingly well until yesterday when we found out the FA has sent an email to all of the family saying what he is supposed to have done!

Is there anything we can do to stop this defamation of character? I have been sent a copy of it the email.

So...today is back to being anxious, tears etc. Any advice would be great.

Hi

Sorry to hear of your awful,ordeal. It is truly a rollercoaster that I remember only too well. OH found unanimously NG last year after 2 years Similar FA as your OH, unbelievable over 20 years ago. Takes over your life and went from same as you devestated, ill to dreading a charge, hoping for NFA but it was when the charge actually came that the real fight began. Disclosure came which then we took it apart and dissected it within an inch of its life and uncovered discepancies lies and managed to obtain factual evidence as well as having a very supportive solictor and barrister throughout and at trial. Taking it one day at a time is the only way through it, having time out and boxing it off. I actually did see gp who,was fantastic too and never took medication in my life for anxiety but short term it helped me get back to work and get through it all. JUst to say really nearly a year later life is returning to normal and you can get through this. We did and life will never be the same again but
I appreciate things more than ever now. A FA of this nature can happen to anyone but stay strong and Keep beleiving the truth will out. Dont forget noone has even questioned the FA just presumed to be telling the truth. Hopefully an NFA but the truth did come out at OH trial so never give up xx

[Jan11]

Jan11

I have days like this still.
My OH was NFA last December but the defamation of him by the family members of the accuser continues on.
My OH was "named and shamed" on Facebook despite NFA by police/CPS.
We've had threats, property damaged, false arrests.
It's a nightmare.

I wish I could tell you what to do to make it go away but I can't.
All I can say is ride it out!
You are not the people they say you are so don't react to their lies.
Be yourselves, try and carry on with your life (not easy at all)

It's been said but keep anything that could be evidence.
Keep it all. You never know what use it will be.
We have a whole folder of stuff including screenshots, photos, police reports.

Hang in there.
You will have good days too.
Make the most of them!!
Big hugs
YoH

Thank you and I'm sorry to hear about how you are being treated. How awful for you and your OH.

Today is a little better, I'm lucky to have found this forum and being at work too is a good distraction. I've added the latest correspondence to my folder of evidence should it be needed. Thank you for the advice and virtual hugs, your words have made such a difference in the last 24 hours.

[Jan11]

Hi

Sorry to hear of your awful,ordeal. It is truly a rollercoaster that I remember only too well. OH found unanimously NG last year after 2 years Similar FA as your OH, unbelievable over 20 years ago. Takes over your life and went from same as you devestated, ill to dreading a charge, hoping for NFA but it was when the charge actually came that the real fight began. Disclosure came which then we took it apart and dissected it within an inch of its life and uncovered discepancies lies and managed to obtain factual evidence as well as having a very supportive solictor and barrister throughout and at trial. Taking it one day at a time is the only way through it, having time out and boxing it off. I actually did see gp who,was fantastic too and never took medication in my life for anxiety but short term it helped me get back to work and get through it all. JUst to say really nearly a year later life is returning to normal and you can get through this. We did and life will never be the same again but
I appreciate things more than ever now. A FA of this nature can happen to anyone but stay strong and Keep beleiving the truth will out. Dont forget noone has even questioned the FA just presumed to be telling the truth. Hopefully an NFA but the truth did come out at OH trial so never give up xx

You are so right and one positive out of all this is that me and OH are closer than ever. I saw my gp a few weeks ago, and so far not taken any meds. Being busy helps so work is brilliant at the moment (I've never been so productive)! But weekends are difficult.

Staystrong I hope life does return to normal soon for you. I guess sometimes it's only when you look back on difficult times you can really see how strongyou both were. It sounds like you absolutely fought it all from the beginning , I take my hat off to you. Thanks for replying.

[hangingontohope]

Hello. First post and first of all want to say thank you to everyone on this site which has kept me semi sane over the last few weeks. Your strength is inspiring.

Husband has been accused of historical sexual abuse by a family member when he was a teenager. He was bailed for two months after voluntarily attending police station. I just want to say to those in the first few days of this hell that it does get easier. Slowly but surely and one day at a time. I've gone from throwing up, crying my eyes out to actually going for an hour or so not thinking about it.

We were doing surprisingly well until yesterday when we found out the FA has sent an email to all of the family saying what he is supposed to have done!

Is there anything we can do to stop this defamation of character? I have been sent a copy of it the email.

So...today is back to being anxious, tears etc. Any advice would be great.

I can really empathise with how you feel Jan11, and wanted to offer my virtual support and strength to see you through the coming days. Glad to hear you're keeping busy and distracted with work, and that this awful time has brought you and your OH closer. Your support and belief in him must mean so so much.

I have constant anxiety about what is around the corner, so understand your anger with regards the email being sent around. I know it's hard but just continue your united front and let people find out for themselves what the truth is. You don't need to keep justifying yourself to everyone. You know the truth, remember that! x

[Jan11]

I can really empathise with how you feel Jan11, and wanted to offer my virtual support and strength to see you through the coming days. Glad to hear you're keeping busy and distracted with work, and that this awful time has brought you and your OH closer. Your support and belief in him must mean so so much.

I have constant anxiety about what is around the corner, so understand your anger with regards the email being sent around. I know it's hard but just continue your united front and let people find out for themselves what the truth is. You don't need to keep justifying yourself to everyone. You know the truth, remember that! x

Hi hangingontohope I can certainly relate to the anxiety you describe. I hope you are having a good day today. Your kind words mean alot.

We're going to sit on the email for now and maintain our dignified silence. We've known for some time that FA would try to exact some revenge on us, at least we now know what it is and can fight back.

[Staystrong1]

Hi
Yes after the initial horror I did fight back and so can you. There really isnt a worse thing to be accused of. It was only when I found this site that I realised how many people are being falsely accused. Until,p an NFA or for OH the charge and full disclosure you are in a limboland of waiting and its very hard to get through it. Once disclosure did come and you can see the lies and then back it up with your defence evidence we became stronger. Debils in the detail as the barrister said to me and a FA doesnt remember lies. Im definitely stronger now as is OH but it absolutely rocks your world. Happy to help,in any way As the help I received during it all was invaluable. Hold your head up as you are doing and dont let the FA win x