Aftermath

[IRB777]

Hi everyone i hope everyone is doing well whether you are using this site for advice or are helping to advise. What i want to talk about is ways that people have come to terms with what has happened ,when the dust has settled and we are left to get on with our lives. I spent 2 years on pre-charge bail innocent for the false/rape of my partner of 11 years that i had caught cheating. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and still has my 3 daughters, who i very rarely see. She is under social services for neglect and solicitors are involved, i was trying to get myself in a position to try to take custody, but 6 weeks ago unfortunately i had a heart attack.
I had always thought i had coped quite well considering, but i am still in the habit of living day to day, having feelings of diabolical injustice and anger towards the police and my accuser and her new partner. After my NFA i didnt feel the euphoria i expected ,yes i had my life back and things improved somewhat. I had applied for my taxi licence which i got back in March i think it was, and was working as a taxi driver. The DBS came back without so much as a parking ticket i might add.
But now i am on the sick ,my licence has been suspended on medical grounds and im back to square one. I dont see my kids as that has all stopped, due to me disapproving with my Ex s new partner smoking Cannabis infront of my daughters.
After my heart attack i wanted some justice, in an ideal world i would like to get a solicitor that would take a Human Rights case against the Police for the 2 years i spent on bail ,but i dont think that will happen. ANY ADVICE WELCOME.
I suppose im posting not for sympathy of course but ideas of how people who have been through it, have got back to normal and dealt with getting back to a life. I think i could do with counselling of some sort.
Its things like new relationships , i have female friends but have had no relationship or physical contact with someone in 3 years. I feel im getting bitter i feel distrust of women which i know is irrational and wrong but i cant help it.
I got some work the other week just a few hours a friend fixed me up with in an office ,and there was a girl in the office and she was flurtting a bit and we chatted. She then made physical contact with me just putting her hand on my shoulder ,and i felt freaked out and flinched a bit, i think she noticed . I dont know what to do. How can i start a relationship , how to go about it ??? do i tell someone what has happened. As for sex how am i gonna react ??? I dont know if i can trust someone again. ANY ADVICE WELCOME.

[LondonTeacher]

IRB777,

Sorry to hear about your ordeal and subsequent heart attack. Try and relax and take things easy. The stress of false allegations not only ruin lives but it can take lives as well.

I have a quick question about your DBS Check. Did you apply for an enhanced check?
If so, you are saying that your check was fully clear without the allegation on?

Kindly let me know. Regards

[IRB777]

Yes thats right it was an enhanced check. It just says NONE RECORDED in each section. including the one where the police can mention any relevant information. Dont know if legally they can mention an accusation on a DBS but i dont know.

[LondonTeacher]

Well done and Praise the Lord for not having the allegation on your enhanced DBS check.
Some enhanced DBS checks do show up allegations but I'm
happy nothing is recorded on yours.

As it relates to the young lady flirting with you at work- please don't jump into another relationship so quickly. You must have a morbid fear of females after the false allegation.

I would advise you to take things in your own stride and don't rush anything.

All the best

[Franticwithworry]

Hi there. I'm so sorry to hear of your ongoing ordeal, and how your relationship with your daughters us curtailed. You don't say how old they are, but there is every chance that they will seek you out as they get older.

Please be gentle with yourself when it comes to recovering your health and do all the doctors advise. You deserve much care and kindness, and while your family is at arms length and cannot cosset you, you can and must do it for yourself. I agree that counselling may well help you if you can get it. Please though, especially if you are looking in the private sector, be prepared to shop around. Each counsellor and counselling style doesn't suit everyone, so you heed to find a good fit. You may also find that you want to start off with a make counsellor and move on to a female one after a time, or vice versa - you drive the boat so to speak. From what I understand these days the NHS provides mostly cognitive or behavioural counselling, the kind intended to help with but if you can get yourself some person-centred counselling or even broad-based grief counselling (grief counselling isn't just about death, it's about loss), it might help you more.

I can't help with advice about getting back into a sexual relationship because my circumstances here are so different, except to say that taking things very slowly and getting to know the person well to start with (things we should probably do anyway), and being completely honest with her about your experiences and fears will probably help, but person-centred counselling could help with that much more. In the meantime, you might like to try learning to meditate. Just a few minutes a day can be very, very useful.

It's not surprising that an unsolicited touch from an over-friendly girl would cause feelings of panic. Recognising that is a very good thing and a completely normal reaction right now.

Wishing you everything you wish for yourself. It's so sad that the journey doesn't end when the NFA or the not guilty verdict comes, and this is especially true when family is behind the accusations and children are involved.