child sex abuse wishing more similar stories had updates

[Broken-hearted]

So 3 months ago my 15yr old daughter accused my long term partner (her step father) of longstanding sexual abuse spanning 4 years including rape pre and post age 13. She completed a video interview and I was asked to provide a statement also.

Both her and partner maintain their stance of it did and it did not happen. Children's services are involved with case being managed at child in need level currently.

Partner was arrested and interviewed within the last 2 weeks and bailed for 4 weeks with likelihood that this will be extended as further IT equipment seized since his interview.

I remain piggy in the middle with both treating me like dirt at times and if I'm quite honest feel like packing my bags and clearing off. For me things are black and white in that if evidence is presented which shows it happened then there would be no future for us. If evidence showed that it is 100% fabrication on her part then I would maintain my relationship whilst still being a parent albeit likelihood is these would be separate as he has said he would not want anything more to do with her. However it is all the grey in the middle that scares me as what if there isn't evidence to prove either way.

It is only 3 months since the allegations were made but feels like forever! And despite everyone saying things start to get easier we are still waiting for that day. This seems to dominate everything. Process seems to take a long time without actually ever getting anywhere if that makes sense. There is more that I wish I could add on here about recent events but with it being a public forum I am keeping them to myself to preserve anonymity.

Been reading back through old threads about similar cases and wish that they all had updates as to what happened but sadly most don't, not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

[Franticwithworry]

I really feel for you and am sorry that there aren't more threads that you can draw support and information from.

It's understandable that things are not feeling any better or more stable for you while there is such continued conflict between the three if you in terms of what did or did not happen. 4 years is a long time for abuse to continue without a parent knowing when everyone is living in the same house. Do you have a 'gut' feeling in relation to anything? It's also difficult when your daughter is so young and yet so nearly adult. Social Services will be expecting you to make a choice and to choose your daughter, because, of course no girl would lie about such a thing, would she?

My situation is similar only insofar as it is adult daughter/step-daughter making several historical allegations. My man and I are on the same page when it comes to future contact but it's a different kettle of fish dealing with adults rather than teenagers. Unfortunately, I can't help in terms of how to resolve that kind of conflict.

What I did do, though, was agonise over every detail of my relationship with my husband and quiz him relentlessly over every interaction and accusation. I couldn't help it but like you, if I thought that there was the teeniest chance that the allegations were true, we were done. My gut feeling, given history in the family, was that the allegations were false, but I still put him through it to be sure. I am 100% convinced of his innocence, and that makes all the difference.

If you are not or cannot get to that point, it will kill your relationship anyway. The simple fact is that if there is no evidence either way, you will have to make a choice. Try looking at things as if this was someone else's family that you knew really, really well and you have stayed with often. Does the teenager have a motive? Is there ANYTHING about the relationship between the teenager and step-parent that gave you pause? Did they actually have the opportunity to be alone? Did the alleged abuser manufacture situations to be alone with the girl or anything like that? Are there any inconsistencies in the accusations, or don't you know the details? What was the teenagers relationship with her mother like? If this was a friend, how would you support or advise her?

Sometimes, looking at a situation from outside it helps. Not always though, so this is only a suggestion, and you may well have looked at all these things already.

I'm sorry that there are no easy answers, no magic wand to tell you what happened. I longed for one too. I think part of what I am saying too, is to trust yourself and what you know. You lived with these people. There is no shame in coming to the conclusion that things were happening in your household that you didn't recognise at the time but you now realise we're abusive/wrong. Equally, there is no shame in coming to the conclusion that a teenager is a troubled girl who for some reason has told a pack of lies, and you are not prepared to hang your partner out to dry because of it. One or other of those scenarios is the correct one, and it's not your fault that either false accusations are rife or that people are expected to believe accusers no matter what.

It's likely that your daughter's story has not been questioned in any meaningful way, just accepted as fact, and in the absence of evidence or facts, that is not right. It's a horrible world we live in, and in this area men are getting the rough edge of the stick, to put it mildly. I hope your partner is finding some support somewhere while you are so (understandably) torn.

As for the future, your daughter is young, and though it's understandable, in fact wise, that your partner wants nothing to do with her at present, if the allegations are false and she wants to repair the relationship, anything is possible. That's a bridge to cross later.

For the time being, you are piggy in the middle and need to make a choice for now for your own peace of mind. Either that or find peace in the balancing act of supporting them both whether you believe them or not. Unfortunately, no-one can make those decisions for you, but I hope my suggestion and support helps, if only a little.

[Rights Fighter]

I really cannot follow that answer from FWW. It is a fab response.

It is good that you are looking at it from both sides and prepared to them both into account before forming a view. Keeping an open mind is the best thing you can do at the moment.

I can certainly relate to your comment about wanting to pack your bags and clear off! At the moment you must do what is right for you. Children are involved too - these are your grandchildren of course and everything must be put into a clear perspective as the children must be protected - if it turns out that the allegations are true.

Hold on in there!

[Broken-hearted]

So sorry for delay

So sorry it's taken me a while to reply I've been psyching myself up to write as been very emotional lately so thank you for your kind words.

Yes 4 years really is such a long time and I cannot see how I wouldn't have known something was going on or been suspicious unless I have just been totally blinkered. I seem to swing between who is telling the truth but of course I want to sway towards it not having happened as that is the best outcome for everyone involved. And yes like you I have and continue to agonise over every little detail hoping for some clarity.

Yes they were alone at times but I would not say that he manufactured time for them to be alone together. We were trying for a baby but had been for a long time and she knew about it, there was also challenge about not coming away with us if behaviour continued. I haven't been privy to full information as apparently because she made disclosure to me I am a witness, not a lot of detail was given to me although I have been told there is a lot of detail in her statement. OH had told me couple of bits that he was questioned about in his interview which didn't ring true for me. He had Chris saltrese with him for his interview. He has been rebailed until October.

I feel that I cannot make any big decisions at the moment as don't feel that I have all the information I need but aware that I will need to make one at some point. At the minute can't think beyond whether a charging decision is made or not and know this even will be a way off yet.

Where are you up to in your situation?

And thanks rights fighter of course daughters safeguarding is priority and hopefully I am showing that to children's services. As I've said before my job seems to be held over my head a lot with the fear of my capability being questioned if I make certain decisions. I know all I can do is take each day at a time and it's good to have this forum to vent on

[Rights Fighter]

I am so relieved that solicitor Chris attended the interview. He is not afraid to argue with a police officer if he thinks they are going too far!