Falsely Accused and no clue what to do

[Fearingtheworst]

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[wakingnightmare]

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[Fearingtheworst]

Edited version from above

Hello. Not really sure where to start but I guess at the beginning is best. So I got married in 2013 to a girl who was not a UK national but from the country where I was also born. We started having loads of issues starting in 2014 which led into and continued throughout 2015, which culminated in her having been physically violent and verbally abusive towards me. She was also extremely controlling and thus in January 2016 I took the bold decision to move out and officially start the process of filing for a divorce.

Now after having spent four months apart, I started having feelings of regret for the good sides of the marriage and as such we started talking about the positives of the relationship and I decided to go and visit her at our matrimonial home. We ended up on the bed lying and talking and she did her best to convince me that she was a changed person as she has now found God and is an active member of her church and all of that stuff and so I was talked around to the idea of changing my mind to which she was happy and we started kissing and then she pulled me on top of her and sex occurred thereafter. After having had sex, she was not satisfied and as such she hoped for us to continue the session and thus she excused herself to the bathroom and because she was taking so long I went and returned a call to my cousin who I had neglected to call back that day.

On speaking with my cousin, I informed her of the fact that I had just engaged in sex with my wife and that I was planning to retract my divorce application to which my cousin informed me that I shouldn't as my wife has been horrible to me over the years and she soundly reminded me of all the negatives my wife had done to me.

I then came to my senses and went and informed my wife that I think we need to slow things down and really think things through and that for now the divorce is still on the table until I am truly convinced she has changed. She was not happy about this and she raged at the fact that I allowed my cousin's advice to change my mind. I thereby left that evening as she was very angry and started arguing.

Now fast forward to end of June 2016 where I end up getting arrested on the accusation of my wife that I raped her on that day. Now it should be known that my wife is here on a Spousal visa and thus once the divorce is finalised, which it will be in about 8-12 weeks then her visa would be null and void as we would no longer be married. So now I am on bail whilst the police carry out their investigation, until the end of this month to hear whether or not I will be officially charged for rape.

Also, after having been put on bail, I contacted my mother to inform her of the situation and it would just so happen that my wife had sent a whatsapp message on the day of the incident outlining to my mother exactly what I recalled to the police in my statement, and importantly, she never made any mention of rape but simply said that "we agreed on making the marriage work, 'we had sex' and then he went and spoke to his cousin and reverted his initial commitment to make the marriage work" in the message. She was clearly upset in the message but upset that I had changed my mind due to my cousin's advice and she was hoping that my mother would have been able to contact me to change my mind back to stopping the divorce which did not happen.

I have handed this to my Solicitors to hand to the police which the police have had for weeks now and they haven't even acknowledged receipt of that crucial evidence which clearly has her outlining on the day the same version of events I told the police and not her made up version she tells the police months later so as to get me locked up so she can get the police report necessary for evidence for her to apply for the 'Domestic Violence Visa' so as to remain in the UK.

I feel so helpless as I feel like my Solicitors aren't even fighting for me. I received that Solicitor via Legal Aid at the police station when I was arrested as I don't have the money for a top end Solicitor due to how expensive this divorce has been and even though we were in the midst of a divorce i am still paying for all of the bills, etc. for the matrimonial home as all of the bill direct debit from my bank account so that is draining me even more. I just don't know what to do as I have provided them with key evidence and still they have not even acknowledged receiving it and thus I am worried that evidence might get ignored and I end up in court for something that should not even reach that far.

I am truly at the point of considering suicide as I am in a healthcare role and thus this false rape accusation has the potential of ruining the rest of my career as my DBS will forever bring this up and I have been put on leave because of this.

I fear the longer this drags on, the more people will think that there must be some truth to the story as to why the police are taking so long to come back with a response and the more likely that me being on leave will turn into me losing my job which I can't afford to happen as if God forbid this gets to the trial stage I don't know how I'd be able to afford a good barrister as well as a good solicitor. Being put in jail was the most degrading experience of my life and I truly believe that if I have to go back into jail I'd rather end my life first. I truly feel like I'm hanging on by a thread here.

So my hope here is just to get some advice such as what should I do about them neglecting to acknowledge receipt of the whatsapp message evidence? Also, my cousin has been contacting them for weeks trying to give evidence/witness statement as she can verify that I had called her and that she talked me out of stopping my divorce, but the number the police gave her, nobody has EVER picked up! She has been hounding them for weeks to no avail. That again makes it feel like I am not being given the chance to truly be heard or considered fairly as being possibly innocent. It feels like they are cherry-picking the evidence to try and get me dragged to court. Feeling so depressed I only eat once per day if ever at all. Don't know what to do.

[supportiveparents]

Hello

You are I think at the start of this awful journey! First thing to realise is, hard is it will be, you need to believe in yourself! What is stopping you doing that? Sounds like you are paralised with the fear of what could be ahead? I'm not blaming you for that, it very natural..it seems to me that there is a choice
You become all consumed,depressed,ILL through not eating or you set out a plan to be as strong as you can be! And make the decision to take back control.

I am going through the same with my son at the moment, has been falsely accused also it started a year ago, my son has had some very down times but pushed himself to try and carry on, I think that has been his saving grace, once in the pub with the lads there was a discussion about rape! It breaks my heart that he went to the toilet and cried...he is 23

Do you have someone you could open up to, that you trust... I wish my son would open up more, he bottles things up and will only discuss when things get too much

You will need time to let everything sink in, then start to fight back! It's not fair, not fair at all
Take one day at a time

Tomorrow eat three healthy meals, be good to yourself

[supportiveparents]

Hey

Hey, I just read the end about the suicide

You haven't been found guilty, your racing ahead

As my husband said when my son was arrested, anyone can make an accusation

I hope you will use this site to help you fight back, and chat to people who really care

[Fearingtheworst]

Thank you for your support

Hey Supportiveparents, thank you for your support. Honestly, I am beside myself with depression and helplessness as even though this has only been going on for a few weeks...each day feels like a week within itself as especially as I've been put on leave by my job, I have nothing during the days to fill my time but to sit and think about what if this gets to the worst possible result. Also, I keep having panic attacks and nightmares of the half a day I spent in the jail cell whilst awaiting a solicitor. One of the worst experiences of my life.

I genuinely don't think I could spend another day behind bars. It was the most degrading and soul sucking experience of my life. And to make it even worse, especially because I have provided the police with evidence of my wife saying in her own words on the day of the alleged incident, what actually happened, and not the cooked up version she has told the police months later, then I genuinely cannot bare the thought of seeing the inside of another jail cell unjustly and even worse, the stigma that comes with having been accused of rape. I truly feel like my life is just crumbling around me and there is nothing I can do about it whilst my wife walks away with what she needs to get permanent residence in this country, regardless of the consequences to me.

[supportiveparents]

Hello

Hi

Do you mind me asking, are you off work through the stress ? Have you seen the doctor? Seems to me you need to talk about how your feeling and get support

Do you have family support ? Being honest about how you feel is a good start!

You said it yourself, you have nothing to do during the day, other than think about your situation...you need to distract yourself for periods of time, or you you will be driven completely mad!

I know everything else seems trivial and the depression will make you feel like you can't be bothered....but at this stage it crucial to at least try to step outside it to give yourself a break! I'm not suggesting that would be easy or that it will last long but you need your body and mind to be strong.

Your innocent, so please hold your head up

You might be needed in the future to write on this page, to advise some guy whose world has fallen apart

[Fearingtheworst]

Barely able to motivate myself to do anything

To be honest I have barely been able to motivate myself to leave my room, to eat, to go to the gym or anything at all that runs the risk of me coming into contact with anybody else. I just feel so depressed and so ashamed that I have been accused of this that I haven't brought myself to mention anything about it to friends, just my mother knows about it. I've even had her swear not to mention it to my siblings as I am so embarrassed about it all and feel so depressed about it all. All of my immediate family are back in my country of birth.

Apart from my wife, the only other family I have in this country is my cousin who is aware of the case and so I speak to on a regular but then I don't want to burden her with my issues as she is a single mother with two children and thus has more than enough to keep her busy apart from worrying about me as well.

[YearsOfHell]

This has all happened quite recently.
You are in panic mode.
Your emotions are going to be all over the place.

It does get better, I promise!
But it takes time.
You will get through it.

Don't give up.

Your solicitor can't do anything unless you are charged.
Being charged is not the end but the beginning of the fight of your life.
You'll need to be strong and fight your corner.

But you've not been charged so don't panic,

You've now got us to talk to so keep posting.
You can get through this.
Be strong

YoH

[supportiveparents]

To be honest I have barely been able to motivate myself to leave my room, to eat, to go to the gym or anything at all that runs the risk of me coming into contact with anybody else. I just feel so depressed and so ashamed that I have been accused of this that I haven't brought myself to mention anything about it to friends, just my mother knows about it. I've even had her swear not to mention it to my siblings as I am so embarrassed about it all and feel so depressed about it all. All of my immediate family are back in my country of birth.

Apart from my wife, the only other family I have in this country is my cousin who is aware of the case and so I speak to on a regular but then I don't want to burden her with my issues as she is a single mother with two children and thus has more than enough to keep her busy apart from worrying about me as well.

I'm sorry if you think I'm cruel, but please force yourself to get out there, just small steps at first
It's so important to get your mind back in a better place, swimming 50 lengths of a pool is going to feel better than sitting looking at four walls

You will need support, so reach out..counselling or telling a friend might be the thing to do, I suppose everyone is different!

My son was publickly arrested so many people knew at the time of arrest, then Facebook went into melt down, not that I saw any of the messages but I believe most were supportive, coz they know him so well

You can get strength from people, I think maybe in time you will accept this more readily, I so wish I could help you more

You need to have courage and fight the negativity, believe in yourself

[Fearingtheworst]

I think that's the worst part....the waiting. I keep wondering, what else could they possibly want to prove that I'm innocent if I've provided them with evidence of her, on the day of the alleged incident, relaying to someone else exactly what I had said to the police?? What do they want, audio recordings and CCTV? If I had had even the slightest inkling that my wife would have gone to such drastic measures just to try and secure a visa then I probably would have recorded her.

Is there anything else I could possibly do to help my case? Because I keep thinking that I can't possibly think of more concrete evidence of my innocence than that as it throws out the whole he said/she said argument as she is clearly contradictory as her version of things on the day of the incident and a few months later are completely different. To be honest I want this cleared before it gets to court. I truly don't think I have the emotional and mental strength for a court battle as I am struggling so much already now as it is. And I am aware that it being in court can then lead to it being dragged out for possibly years.

If it were to drag on for that long, I truly don't know what would happen to me. So any practical advice would be appreciated. I have been informed today by my solicitor that nobody at the police station cannot even confirm receipt of my evidence sent and that the OIC of my case is out of office for the rest of the week so no chance of confirming receipt of it until next week. Is there anything else practically I can do in the meantime?

I have even started researching other solicitor's firm that are renowned for defending falsely accused but who also offer legal aid to possibly have my case taken over by them as I am not feeling much of a sense of urgency or understanding from my solicitors as to how important that whatsapp message is and hence them confirming it's receipt by the police. Do you believe its a good idea to try and have my case moved to another firm or do you think it best to just wait for the time being?

[Fearingtheworst]

@Supportiveparents- Thanks for the continued support. I understand what you mean and I keep telling myself the same thing, but easier said than done unfortunately in my case. I often go to sleep and when I wake up, just for a second I think that the accusation was all just a really vivid, bad dream but then it clicks that no, it is actually happening and thus it is like being in waking nightmare. In truth, apart from chasing my solicitors, this is the most I've spoken with anyone in days to be honest. It just feels like a massive daze.

[supportiveparents]

But you haven't been charged yet! You need so slow down a bit.

Our solicitor was great when our son was first arrested, but I feel we are not a priority at the moment! That's because he is too busy defending the cases that are in court now, so I understand

I can't advise what you should do in respect of changing solicitor but we are sticking with ours

When all this happened to us last year, I was off work sick for a month...my son had to go to work as he had started a new job

Every time the door went we panicked, but eventually you can't go on like this, you need to find a way through

Try to contiplate getting some normality into your life, no matter how small ! Every week you will get stronger

I promise you

[supportiveparents]

Hello

I know, it's not easy for anyone to walk in your shoes unless they have experienced it themselves

By the way, I'm a mum! Don't know why I think that's important, but I do

You have reacted in the way that most people would react that's ok, but it will now start to tell on your health..you have to almost find every bit of strength and even if your doing things that you really don't feel like doing, that will be a step forward

I'm thinking mainly about your health, your strength of mind, all of these things feel like a mountain to climb, so just one step at a time

Think a chat with the doctor would be a good first step, what do you think?

Once you have done this and got some help for anxiety....they may also suggest counselling(would suggest you grab this with both hands) especially as your not finding it easy to open up to friends!

You may be able to see a little more clearly then

Trouble is panic prevents you moving forward, hope that makes sense

[Fearingtheworst]

I appreciate your comment. I am indeed filled with anxiety but I'm hoping I'll be able to channel it into getting through this ordeal. I have considered counselling but I think for me it would be something I would need after this whole ordeal is over, not during it as my mind is just fixated on what I can do to help my situation and not so much about how I'm feeling or doing at the moment.

I considered changing Solicitor's as on the day of the arrest, by the end of my statement to the police, my Solicitor said that its highly likely the case won't go anywhere and it should all blow over in a couple of days....weeks later and this nightmare is still going...and that was said before I provided that key bit of Whatsapp evidence. So its just stressing me out that the longer they are taking that the more likely they believe that I am innocent or that my wife has fabricated some evidence against me. Do I have a right to request via my Solicitors as to how the case is coming along and as to what evidence they believe they have against me? Or is that only after I've been charged and due to go to court that I can request it?

I just hate not knowing what is going on...especially as this has to do with my life...I would like an opportunity to respond to any false evidence my wife could be presenting before it gets to the stage of me being charged, as that makes it far more likely for me to get on with my life that much sooner. Any idea if I can request such a thing via my Solicitors?