Concerned About A Friend

[JMori54]

Hello All,
I understand this is an U.K. forum. Therefor, I just want to state right off the bat that the person I am speaking about is in the U.S.

I am deeply concerned about a friend of mine. Four years ago a woman decided to spread a rumor that he had raped her. It was never brought to the police (to my knowledge at least) as it was probably just done to garner attention or sympathy from their circle of friends.

At the time, he was crippled with anxiety. He refused to leave his home, and never wanted to do anything (meanwhile, this woman is out partying and strutting around like a peacock.) He hit an all-time low when he got drunk and tried to kill himself at a party they were both at. After that, he separated himself from their mutual circle of friends (I belong to a different circle,) and the healing process had begun. It was slow, but I started to see him improve. He was eventually, what I would call, stable... until things became too good.

He was accepted to a small school outside of the city (he needed to leave the city to heal.) There met many wonderful friends, plays college athletics, and has a great job working with children. But all the anxiety came back to him. He's scared one day he's going to get a call from the police to come and arrest him. Or the old rumors that plagued him will somehow follow him to his new home (he' away from the city, but not THAT far away.) Also, he told the constant discussion of rape on the campus bothers him. He feels people will talk about him the same way they talk about rapists. He's worried that his new friends will turn on him, or they will be ridiculed for standing by him.

I know he sees a therapist, and he takes anti-depressants (although, I don't know if he takes them regularly.) But when I asked if he shared this incident with her he said he was too scared. He was concerned she wouldn't believe him since she is a college therapist. I am urging him to talk about with her as it is the root of all his trauma, but the best response I got was a "I'll think about it."

I don't know what to do. Luckily, I don't think he will hurt himself. Although he has been suicidal in the past. I think he just feels powerless, and that he simply has no control over his future. He should be so happy with all the amazing things that God is doing in his life. Wonderful friends, college athletics, good work, a strong passion for helping others, etc. But all I see is a miserable, empty husk. I miss my excitable, happy-go-lucky friend, and I want him back! Is there anything I can do to help him? Is there any advice you would share with him if you could?

Thank you so much!

Jessica

[slowdown73]

Hi, sounds like you have been a good friend to this man. Unfortunately, there isn't much more you can do apart from continuing to support him. He does need to open up about the problem to his therapist but if he isn't ready then there is little you can do. I had counselling when I was falsely accused and my therapist was very supportive about the situation. I'm sure there are other people who have also been in the same situation. Just keep encouraging him to be honest with his therapist and hopefully the therapist will be supportive towards him if and when he does decide to tell them!

[JMori54]

Thanks! I will keep pushing (gently) him to open up to his therapist. I know his last therapist was more accusing than helpful, and I think he's concerned his new one will be the same. I find myself concerned that a college therapist won't be able to listen to his story without campus rape hysteria influencing her thinking. Either way, I do think he needs to open up to her so I keep encouraging and supporting him.

[carrot tops]

He is very fortunate to have you as a friend and I think he displays a level of bravery in having therapy if his last therapist was quite accusatory .

You don't say how long he has been seeing this therapist, but it might be the case that he is still learning to trust her and maybe testing out her reactions to other issues before he risks opening up about this.

As a mother of a son who was falsely accused and got a not guilty verdict at trial I've considered therapy for myself. There is still a feeling of " what if the therapist didn't believe son was innocent?" and that's despite the fact I could prove he was found not guilty. The whole experience leaves me very worried and cautious. I really wish my son was in therapy as I am sure his present problems stem from the false allegations but at this point in time he just won't consider it.

I find writing down my feelings helps work through my issues, so I don't know if that would help your friend ? Or if he really does want to open up to his therapist maybe he could go into a session having written something like " I was falsely accused of rape but feel anxious about talking about it " and give that to the therapist. I know if I did that myself I'd feel safer to then ask for the paper back.

Would he read the posts on this site? Sometimes the pain we feel over traumatic events are is so great that it takes a long time before we can face the demons.Could there be an element of him worrying about confidentiality? Is he in a relationship or looking for a relationship? He could be worried facing this will destabilise him further and put a relationship at risk.

[Lilyput]

I hope he finds the courage to get through its a shame there is no specialised help for the FAd. Im the same as your friend and carrottops tbh, if my OH got counselling he knows he didnt do it but i guess a counsellor could say well you werent there, then id have to go through the witnesses blah blah blah and i dont have the energy if im honest.

Cancelled a counselling session this week as i didnt think i could get the words out. I cant tell anybody or go on as i am either, so i really feel for your friend.

Could he maybe say it without saying iy e.g
There were horrible rumours about me that have given me anxiety etc

[JMori54]

He's been seeing her since about January. Our pastor and I really pushed him after he had a particularly difficult Winter break. I think his primary fear is just not being believed. It's a fear I understand since, as a college therapist, she probably deals with a lot of rape victims (if the statistics are to be believed,) and does a lot of training on how to respond to rape victims. She might have a difficult time separating herself from the hysteria and statistics she has been fed. I also wouldn't be surprised if there was some clause that said the college therapist had to report any suspicion of rape given the campus rape hysteria. Maybe I could go with him? At least then he would have someone to fall back if it goes terribly. But then I feel the therapist would be insulted if she was truly creating a safe space for him. I know he's talked about it indirectly with her... but he has yet to say "I was falsely accused of rape."

He's a hopeless romantic, so he's always pursuing some woman or another... it's actually quite cute I know sharing what happened with his SO has always been a concern with him. He's scared she wouldn't believe, and leave him. And I think there is a general concern his friends won't believe him, and they would turn their backs on him. Out of all the people he has met at his college, I only know for sure that he has shared what happened with one person. Who has been surprisingly supportive despite being a social justice advocate, feminist, and a person who raises awareness on sexual assault. But it's apparent, after talking to his friends there, that they are aware there is something from his past that nags. Maybe he should open to more people? How has that worked for the people you know/yourself? I told him he can do as he pleases, but he just needs to be careful about who he tells.

I frequently share stories I come across of other young men who have been falsely accused of rape. If only to show him he isn't the only one. I didn't know if it was helping, though, so I stopped. I might send him over to this website or one that is similar.

Question for you. Do you or the person you know find high profile rape cases to be triggering? I noticed whenever there is a high profile rape case he tends can fairly sad. I'm not sure why... but I imagine it has to do with a fear that whatever is being said about the accused/convicted could be said about him (or might even already be said in his old circle.) Just something I was wondering.

[carrot tops]

As the mother of a son falsely accused I find rape cases triggering, yet I am drawn to read about them. In the early stages of any case I fixate on the belief the person is innocent until proven guilty. If they go on to get a not guilty verdict I am so pleased as I hope it will help wider society see the injustice male victims go through. However if they are found guilty I am pleased that a genuine rape victim has received justice. Sadly with the corruption in the British police force I have to make space in my mind for miscarriages of justice.

A few years on the worry about anonymity for our false accuser really does limit who I would talk to about our ordeal.Considering the trouble our family faced when no crime had been committed I would worry about disclosing the FAs identity to someone who then went to the police. Would they then try and go after us for that?

I have experienced an overwhelming desire to tell people about what has happened but have not acted on it and sort of feel pleased I haven't now. Maybe I might end up accidentally telling a genuine victim of rape, would they have a bias against sons not guilty verdict? I think underneath it all if the judge who had heard all the evidence had made a clear statement that son was the victim of a false allegation the awful sense of injustice would have been reduced.

I'm a Christian and I'm increasingly coming to the point of realising that God knows the truth, He saw the things that never happened. It gives me comfort to think of the injustice Jesus suffered and then what we've been through really becomes a minor ordeal. However, when the emotions have been so so painful in this God has been a very great, enduring comfort. Our pastor and a few close Christian friends do know what happened and have been very supportive. That has meant so much. My suspicion is that others in our church know, as it hit the press, but I have not picked up any sense of people avoiding me. The reticence is all on my side.

My son used to believe in God, but this has shaken that belief. My greatest desire is that he will come back to God and have his life repaired.

[slowdown73]

Therapists are supposed to be non judgemental so he shouldn't be judged if the therapist is good at their job. It's quite brave to open up about something like that and any good counsellor worth their salt should recognise that. If they aren't supportive then I think it's time to find an alternative therapist. Mine was brilliant and never ever felt judged by him.