Counselling.

[carrot tops]

A lot of the time I feel like I'm coping pretty well with what we've been through, but I wonder if I'm always going to struggle with some stuff from the ordeal we've been through. Maybe I need counselling?

My question is, if FA is gauranteed anonymity (son was found not guilty) am I allowed to mention her name in counselling?Her relationship to us is of major significance in the painful feelings I have. I really do face my feelings head on but two years on I'm wary of getting involved with new people or facing new challenges. I get paranoid thinking what would people think of us if they knew ( it hit the press).I feel desperate for validation, as if I'd just like to get away with a load of other people who had been falsely accused and hug and cry with each other. I want someone important to tell me how wronged our family has been.

I get obsessed with newspaper articles about others falsely accused as it gives me the hope the tide will turn, but should I just be steering clear of all this, is it like picking at a scab?

[Scaredlad]

You can get councilling and mention the name as the ethics a real councilor abides by means they arent allowed to talk. Its basically the same as a lawyer or doctor cant say anything youve told inconfidence. Id recommend going to your GP and asking to be refered as may get it cheaper/free via NHS.

Its annoying the FA gets compensation and counsilling for crying rape but the falsely accused get no support despite being dragged through hell. They need to make it innocent until proven guilty and put support in place for what is an epidemic of false accusations.

But in conclusion book in with your GP and see who they reccomend.

[AmandaF]

I think it's very therapeutic to have proper contact with others in the same position.

I've said before I'm willing to travel to meet up. Maybe it's something we could consider?

In the meantime I fully understand your feelings. I often feel as though I have no place in society, as though i am hiding some disgusting- I dunno- "thing" that nobody should know about.

Counselling is confidential. I had REM sessions with a psychiatric nurse through work- it's one of those therapies where you feel your emotions as physical pain and then learn to let go

I'm in South Yorkshire btw and am happy to meet up within a reasonable distance

[carrot tops]

Thanks Amanda for the offer to meet up, but we are too far apart.

I might pluck up the courage and think of some counselling though. Just don't want to do anything that might worry the family and I know sometimes counselling makes things worse before they get better. I wish I was the decisive person I used to be

[2tea2]

Hello,
I know what you mean about meeting up; it's the isolation of being in this position - no-one can understand. Even tho' you know that you/your son/OH have done nothing, the very fact of someone pointing their finger with this accusation, demeans you as a person (it feels). I reckon CBT is the best way to go.

[carrot tops]

I really am a talker too, and every other issue in my life I've dealt with by talking through in depth. The stigma of this, even though not guilty is really hard to shake. I was accused of covering up the rape, when all I had ever wanted was to protect the FA.

I've had experience with CAMHS in the past for the False accuser and found they were rubbish, so am not sure I'd go with the NHS. Don't think I'd like one of my doctors knowing about our issues. I might consider a private counsellor .

Losing the relationship with the FA was really painful but I really feel I've lost my son too. I'm sure drink is a big part of his life now and I worry about drugs too. He seems to throw himself quickly into relationships with women and then ends up hurt. He's alienating himself from the family and he used to be so open and empathetic. I almost wonder if both of us need therapy together. I can't imagine how there would not be part of him that is furious at me for bringing FA into our home and not protecting him. I think we are both so hurt and share a lot of the same pain, but there's a huge wall there.

[2tea2]

It's hard enough for me to deal with a simple 'my son's been accused by a ***** of an ex girlfriend' - without a lot of other attachments and complexities. I definitely thing counselling is the way to go - with a complex situation.
As for your son no longer being open - I don't know how old he is, but this tends to happen anyway during teen years - so it may be parts of that. I think I am going to buy-in some private counselling for my son - it'll probably be the best use of my savings.

[carrot tops]

Son is now 23 and we've been through the natural pulling away with his older sibs. This feels very different. It could be that I wasn't able to protect him so I am extra anxious about him, but his siblings think he's on a self destruct path. I know he's ashamed of some of the ways he tried to cope while on bail, and hates himself for some of those. I'm just proud of him that he got through the whole ordeal and kept his job.

He has verbally unleashed on me while drunk, but I see that as atleast the feelings are expressed instead of buried. The thing is I think they are repressed again now.

[2tea2]

That sounds totally understandable. God - you just have to cope how you can. Talking it through would put it in it's perspective.

[Franticwithworry]

Son is now 23 and we've been through the natural pulling away with his older sibs. This feels very different. It could be that I wasn't able to protect him so I am extra anxious about him, but his siblings think he's on a self destruct path. I know he's ashamed of some of the ways he tried to cope while on bail, and hates himself for some of those. I'm just proud of him that he got through the whole ordeal and kept his job.

He has verbally unleashed on me while drunk, but I see that as atleast the feelings are expressed instead of buried. The thing is I think they are repressed again now.

All I can offer is this - you can't help your son if you don't help yourself first. All you say about him pulling away, self-destructing you feeling bad about not being able to protect him may well be true, but you need to take care of yourself. Please consider counselling for yourself. He may be willing to go with you eventually - or not, but it's his choice. Either way, he shouldn't unleash at you while drunk. That's not acceptable. You're not his verbal punching bag, but I do understand where you're coming from. That said, counselling will give you the tools to deal with a situation like that if it occurs again. You are right to be proud of him - he's been through a lot and he needs help.

As a Mum it's hard to know when our adult children need us to be parents and when not. I have found that my other children have been great allies when their siblings have been struggling. You might find that, if he's talking to them, he takes more notice of them than you, and that's not an insult to you, it's a sign that you've created a strong family unit. Let them help with their brother if they can and let counselling help you sort out the muddle. It's worth a try, and you deserve the support.

And you are right - it was no mean achievement for him to keep his job and it's not surprising that he's struggling.

[slowdown73]

I found counselling very helpful and a way to release my angry emotions and keep me grounded. You need some kind of avenue to express how you feel and particularly about the sense of injustice and rage over the accusations.

I used my accusers first name during counselling but like others have said, counsellors operate under a confidentiality policy.

I don't think I would have coped without counselling - it particularly helped me after receiving my NFA to rebuild my life. However, it's something I will never forget because it was so traumatic and has changed my life. It made me reflect about my whole life and I've made several positive changes and will continue to define who I am in the future in some shape or form.

[janjoe10]

I'm a mum of a son who has been falsely accused. His trial starts on 31st may. I'm having counselling and I just give a donation of 5.00 the nhs one was rubbish it was all self help stuff or courses. I didn't want that. Cahms have been involved with my son at first it was fantastic but 3 workers on its rubbish.they just want him to do breathing exercises to help anxiety in the dock. No matter what he will be anxious. Sure they think its going to be a walk in the park. I find talking about it really helps .

[l94x]

Could you help my family?

I think it's very therapeutic to have proper contact with others in the same position.

I've said before I'm willing to travel to meet up. Maybe it's something we could consider?

In the meantime I fully understand your feelings. I often feel as though I have no place in society, as though i am hiding some disgusting- I dunno- "thing" that nobody should know about.

Counselling is confidential. I had REM sessions with a psychiatric nurse through work- it's one of those therapies where you feel your emotions as physical pain and then learn to let go

I'm in South Yorkshire btw and am happy to meet up within a reasonable distance

My family (based in South Yorkshire) have just been thrown into this terrifying world of false accusations. My brother has been accused by a family friend after consensual sex and we're all in a lot of shock and feeling very betrayed. He (understandably) isn't taking it very well and feels very alone right now; I've been trying to find some sources of support for him and my parents without much luck so far. He's in the army and so doesn't want to go for counselling through his GP (as he is worried this may impact his job). Do you have any advice?

[Rights Fighter]

http://www.combatstress.org.uk can help with anything stress related even if it is not directly about stress in combat

https://www.ssafa.org.uk - may be able to point you in the right direction too

[Franticwithworry]

Has he been charged or has it not got past the accused and questioned stage?

Please use this forum for emotional support too. It's not the same as counselling, obviously, but there is a wealth of information and if you or your parents or your brother have specific questions or even just want to rant a bit, it's not usually very long before someone comes online and will reply and offer support.

None of you are alone - there are people here who are in your brothers situation, parents supporting accused children, (no matter how old we are we are still their children :-)), siblings, cousins, other relatives and friends.

This is a wonderful forum that is available for everyone.