Post-accusation relationships

[drangaram]

Dear all,

A few years ago I've been accused of sexual assault by a long term girlfriend a few years back, and that has absolutely shaken my life. I was expelled from my university at the time, and eventually moved to Europe, where I have been able to find some peace of mind and rid myself of some of my depression (although, as you must all know, the moments of remembrance still come back despite everything).
Now I'm finally getting my life back on track (at least in some respects) and have found an American woman that I see great potential in.

I was wondering about general advice on how to deal with my past. Because of trying to hide it, I've made a few lies about events in my life, even though I'd be otherwise against lying for no good reason, and even though I know it cannot end well. Do any of you have any experience with situations such as this? What are the signs that someone might accept what has happened? What is the right time to tell (I know this question is too general, but I wonder about the signs)?

Most importantly this is a call for anyone who has experience rebuilding one's strength and trust to the point of telling a partner something like this. I don't want to ruin this, but also don't know whether telling later rather than sooner is better, or whether it changes anything.

Best wishes to everyone.

[wakingnightmare]

Hello

Stop lying straight away.

You want to tell this woman about the accusation you want her to believe you, as she didn't know either you or the accuser back then all she can go off is the man she sees before her. You make it very hard for her to believe you when you say I swear I didn't do it I wouldn't lie but then she slowly realises you have lied albeit what you see to be small lies to protect your secret.

I realise it's not the kind of thing you drop into a relationship in its early stages but if you want this relationship to continue she needs to hear it from you. Whatever lies you told you need to admit rather than have it slowly dawn on her that the story you told her as part of the cover up couldn't be true.

Lots of people on here are supporting partners or family members faces with historical accusations we stand by them because we trust them and we have no reason to doubt them stop giving your new girlfriend reason to doubt you. The reality is in any situation like this usually only two people know the truth the accuser and the accused we all act out of trust and faith.

Good luck and I hope it works out.

[joebloggs]

Hi,

I think this is a brilliant question posed to a lot of people that at some point will/have already found themselves in this position.

When I met my now girlfriend of a year!! I had really only just been bailed. We went on two dates and at that point I knew in my heart she was the woman I wanted to spend my life with. It was a horrible position to be in because I knew that I HAD to have the conversation with her about my current circumstances.

When I was dropping the lovely lady home from our second date and we both agreed we would like to make things more official. That is when I told her, I told her everything about what it was that I was on bail for, the background and the predictions for the future. It was like a weight that was lifted off my shoulders and I remember saying to her, "if you want to get out the car right now and never, ever speak to me again because I know I come with baggage and you do not have any obligation to me" her reply solidified my wish to settle down with her. For a young lady with her whole life ahead of her, it was almost miraculous. " I know you a little bit and my judge of character is always good. I know you could never do that to anyone and I also know that your past does not matter. It's about out future"

What I'm trying to say is, if you keep hiding it, you will find yourself in a hole that you cannot get out of without breaking a few sticks. You need to be upfront as early as possible. Not by any means the first night you meet someone, but also before you are both falling for each other.

Secrets and lies tear people apart, they also destroy relationships.

The worst thing that can happen in any circumstances is the potential other half, ups sticks and leaves. But then are they truly worth your time, effort and dedication.

Hope this helps

Jb

[TotalNightmare]

I have had to think about this also, been in a new relationship for 6 months now, which started 2 months after my case was NFA'd.

I told her I was married previously and told her about having to attend family court hearings about being accused of abuse and for divorce purposes. Explained the dynamics of the relationship and what I had learned from the mistakes in that.

That is all I will say to her about it and draw a line under it.

Meeting her family in a few weeks, and they know about alleged abuse from crazy ex-wife and they can see from my actions in this new relationship that I am nothing like that.

I have not used the word "rape" - I don't think I ever will. Some things are best kept quiet.

[slowdown73]

I don't think lying is the answer. If your new companion is caring and supportive then at some point you may wish to tell her about your past. If she judges you on it then I don't think she is worth the time of day. Anyone can be accused of a false allegation particularly in the current climate. It's a horrible situation to be under but lying or trying to cover it up in my book makes it look worse and could provoke the wrong reaction. Why not test the water first? You could mention about something in the news like the Ched Evans case and she how she reacts. Good luck!

[Lucky]

honesty is the best policy.

if your new partner doesn't have the faith in you and your innocence, then you should be with someone who does.

I would not lie about it, coz if it comes out, it wont be good for anyone

[Cruel world]

Honesty is always best. Hold your head high because you did nothing wrong and any logical girl will understand. Also you don't know how it may affect your ability to be in a relationship and not be nervous so being honest will help her to be understanding if you are having any anxious moments

Anyone who has been in a nightmare like that deserves happiness