Sadly joining this hell

[Imthevictim]

So I am joining this horrendous club today.

I don't know how much I can or can't say. I was arrested 1 week ago and am on police bail not being allowed to contact me FA who is my separated wife, we have only been married 1 year. 2 counts, 1 from 3 years ago and another from a year ago.

I want to say everything that has happened but feel I may get I trouble if I do. From my screen name, I am the male victim of domestic abuse and have suffered assaults, humiliation and psychological abuse from my FA who we separated at the end of last year after her being diagnosed with a mental health disorder BPD. She has children from previous relationships and is pregnant with my first child. Bail date is some weeks after my baby is due. I'm not even going to know when my boy is born, his name, what he looks like. I'm heartbroken.

I have never been so low in my life, I have seriously contemplated suicide this week. I know all the cliches but I really don't care about what people think. It's entirely selfish I want the nightmare to end, knowing I'm only a week in and everything I read says I have to deal with another several months of this feeling.

Doesn't matter how much you prepare (I was told
Of the accusation some weeks before it came) nothing prepares you for the knock on the door and 2 CID offers carting you off to a cell. I got duty solicitor after first 2 choices were unavailable who has basically said sit and wait but he thinks it will get kicked into touch. Not happy with this at all, I want to prevent a charge and have collected loads of evidence of the abuse suffered, messages, Facebook posts etc but everything i read tells me NOT to give this to police. Wish I could say more on this but worried about what I can or can't say.

[Mrs Forgetful]

Hello and a sad "welcome" to this group. I'm new too and it's a horrible feeling believing you are on your own in this. Now I know I'm not. Neither are you.

[Shah]

Hugs to both of you, and no you are not alone xx

[innocentson]

You are the victim - but don't give in !

Sorry you're having to go through this ; wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

However remember you now have a child on his way who will need his strong daddy ! So fight it, for his sake as well as your own.

I, like most on here, would say dont give anything to the police. However if what you have compiled is so strong, it might let them realise sooner, that your ex is seriously disturbed & you are innocent. Tough call ; maybe ask your solicitor for advice. Certainly keep a copy of everything though, even if you do decide to share with the police. Check out the solicitor recommendations section on here for your area. There are some good legal aid and private ones around (if you decide to go that way)

You will get through this - honestly . We did and there were times we felt desperate to, but can't fold in to bullies and corruption. Stay strong & best of luck

[Imthevictim]

Thankyou

Thanks for the support. It makes me angry that so many people's lives can be so tainted so easily. I have taken heart at some people's stories, other scary stories make me realise - this is real and could happen.

I am worried if I get charged I will instantly lose my job and ability to have a decent defence if I need it. The duty solicitor said not to worry but I'm looking at the dates and bail is in about 8 weeks. My baby is here in 6, the thought of meeting my child in a contact centre (if I can even find the willpower to make this happen) makes me sick.

I have loads of evidence of her abuse to me prior to and during the breakup and it was preceded by my family going to GP to get her help. She was pregnant and off her anti depressants and made a criminal act against me (it carries up to 2 years in prison as sentence) that is easily proved. I can show she is a vicious nutcase and that she has made allegations against of abuse against family members of hers as a child.. Can also show she made a false DV accusation a few months ago and police attended (I was recording and can show that nothing happened) None of this relates to her allegations tho, just shows her as bat**** crazy!. She is saying after first instance of rape (brutally violent in what I heard about it
From the CID officer) before we got married she ended immediately the relationship, (not true it was after the alleged incident) then came back looking for me a year later, hey presto we are married. Surely the police will see she is unhinged or am I just going to wait months and months to be charged? Really REALLY want to get this closed before baby gets here (would appreciate someone editing my post to make sure I can't get in trouble for anything)

[Imthevictim]

Rebailed

So I wish I could be positive about this. My son was very recently born and I have no realistic prospect of being able to hold him. All I have is a photo and cliches from people trying to make me feel better about things.

Mentally taken a downturn in the last few days being paralysed to do anything. Sitting on recordings of false allegations of assault to the police, screen shots from Facebook that seriously bring her version of our relationship into question.

Chased solicitor this week for an update to finally hear tonight i have been re-bailed for 2 months. I can't even go down the family court route as this would be indirect contact, all the time people being told that I am not interested in seeing and holding my boy even if it's just for a minute so I can see

to add to it, father taken into hospital yesterday but I'm too afraid to visit because my FA is in the same hospital with my son.

Never felt so low.

[Aidy]

Do NOT share anything with the police!
Do NOT trust the police under any circumstances!!
Sounds a little ott right? Wrong!
The police are not there to help you...they will try and manipulate you and the situation to make this stick!

You have come to the right place, and you will receive lots of help, support and advice from the fantastic members on this forum!

Just hang in there pal, you can and will get through this!

Best wishes

[YearsOfHell]

Sorry to hear you're still waiting.
Being re bailed is soul destroying anyway but when you've got a new born son it's just torturous!!
I really feel for you.
Just stay strong, and remember that at this young age the baby won't know you're not there.
You can make up for it when he is older.
You're not the person she is saying you are so be strong.
You will get through it.
You're stronger than you think.
Your son will need you to be strong.
We're all on your side with you!
YoH

[vvnn8]

Be strong, get a good one solicitor and do not trust police. Good luck!!

[Imthevictim]

I'm being slowly driven insane by my FA. Messages sent to my family like not thing has happened flaunting my son....

Now she parks 10 feet from my house, walks past with my baby and I know my son is about 20ft away in another house and I can do nothing. my bail conditions prohibit me from contacting her through social services or solicitors. This is WRONG There must be something I can do. I just want to see my son and can't face another 2 months of this hell she is putting me through knowing it will most likely be extended again.

[Lilyput]

If she is walking past your house please please inforn your sol and the OIC asap!! Remember times who she was with etc. They may not do anything but it does prove she isnt scared of you if shes making out that she is.

As a parent heartbroken for you can Fathers for justice suggest anything that wont break bail conditions? Big big love!

[Franticwithworry]

I second what liliput says and would certainly discuss this with a solicitor if you have one. If you don't, I'd suggest keeping a diary for a week or so (do that anyway), and then letting the OIC know what's going on as I think it's reasonable to call what she's doing harassment, given all the circumstances.

As liliput says, her behaviour demonstrates that she's not afraid of you, but it goes further that that I think into the realms of emotional abuse and she can, I hope for your sake, be told to stop.

If you have a diary of her behaviour, it might be useful for you later, even thought you want it to stop as soon as possible. It might be worth taking a (dated) photo or two of her parked car if you can without her knowing.

[Lucky]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Reading your post makes me sad, but then again, most of the ppl here have heartbreaking stories that are similar.

You mention that you can show she is a nutcase and has committed criminal acts against you. Make sure you get this in properly via your solicitor. It is called Bad Character, and has to be done properly.

Which is something you will have to do early on. so make sure you have a good solicitor on board from day 1.

[Rights Fighter]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Reading your post makes me sad, but then again, most of the ppl here have heartbreaking stories that are similar.

You mention that you can show she is a nutcase and has committed criminal acts against you. Make sure you get this in properly via your solicitor. It is called Bad Character, and has to be done properly.

Which is something you will have to do early on. so make sure you have a good solicitor on board from day 1.

Sorry Lucky but this is wrong. This is not "bad character" evidence at all. Just think what the other side would say about her behaviour....... "she's acting out because of the "abuse"".

[Imthevictim]

Update

Nothing has changed much. I was re-bailed to the end of August a few days after my son was born and had to fight like hell to get bail conditions changed so I can contact through solicitor to try arrange contact.

The short of it is she has made no response to the letters requesting contact despite her telling OIC she was happy to arrange access and contacting my family members with pictures and kisses like nothing has happened. She also parks outside my house (about 15 ft from my front door) a couple of times a week.

Received paperwork today from child maintenance for an application despite me paying the proper amount from before he was born. I'm sure this is all being done to get a reaction to feed whatever it is in her personality that needs feeding by drama and grief... Emotional sadism. In the meantime I have found lots of potentially useful evidence and messages contradicted parts of her story I know about and a couple of close friends are of the opinion no jury could possibly convict me if they saw some of the messages she was sending me after the alleged incidents. The OIC was very nice about the bail conditions and said "I'm sure this is all very difficult for you" although not reading anything into that.

Just keep breathing....