My son has been accused of rape!

[Mattie52]

Hi All,
Last Sunday a police team arrived to arrest my 29 year old son after he had allegedly raped a girl the night before. He is in total shock as far as he is concerned they enjoyed consensual sex! We really don't know what to do - I understand that he has to re-appear at the police station in early May. My son is now receiving medical support for extreme anxiety and I am unable to leave him alone as I fear he will end his life! He is in the process of trying to emigrate and so was at home to save money - he says it is the end of his life! The young women he met on the internet and is an actress - I understand that they were both inebriated but you surely don't continue wanting to kiss someone after they have apparently raped you! All help gratefully received??

[2tea2]

Hi - I can't offer advice as I'm new to this - but I am in the same position as you (except my son is 18). I understand your not wanting to leave him on his own; my son has diazepam now for when too anxious. Counselling; doctor's help and any meds on offer - we're doing all that - it's about living through it. Use this forum to realize that you're far from alone. My sympathy to you.

[AmandaF]

Sorry you have had to find your way here- it's always a sad day when someone new joins us.

Is your son's accuser on facebook or other social media site? If so try and keep an eye on her profile if possible and screen shot anything which may be appropriate.
It is always an anxiety fuelled time- he is doing the right thing by seeking GP input and of course he'll need your support.

let's hope this is resolved quickly for you

[lazy lass]

Hi

Sorry you have had to find this forum,but it is a great place for support and other members are great at pointing people in the right direction. I know how you feel not wanting to leave your son alone,it's early days and there is help for him. The shock wears off in time but the worry and sleepless nights are endless. I hope this terrible ordeal is over very quickly for your son and family. Keep reading posts and don't be afraid to let people know how you are getting on. There will be dark days but we are all here for each other.

[Vindicated]

I will be honest with you, your son is in for a horrible time. It will be full of worry and it will leave him scarred. You and your family will also be put through hell watching him. Nothing will happen for a long time, but the worry and stress will be awful.
Ask him to see a doctor and explain everything. He will probably get anti depression medication and that will help him.

I was 13 months between arrest and trail and it was hard, the hardest time in my life, but with support he will get through it.

[hello88]

sorry to see you here, yes i guess it is true that it might take a long time, but some its goes on for a few weeks,some months, some 2 years..you can never tell but all you can do is keep strong between each bail date. The police won't be likely to be looking for anything to help your son, so you and your son need to look on social media, screenshot messages between each other about when they were arranging to meet? anything and everything, it may not seem all relevant but keep it just incase and it may be helping to build a picture for you and your son. Store it away from the home.. (with a trustworthy friend/relative) and most importantly keep strong..

h xx

[Soanxious]

My son was arrested under similar circumstances in December and has recently been re-bailed for another 4 months! we have been on a roller coaster of emotions since day one, there have been a lot of tears and sleepless nights and some days I don't know how I even got out of bed, but I did. You will get over the original shock and manage to somehow carry on and realise that you are stronger than you ever thought you would be. Keeping things as normal as they can be under the circumstances has been a great help to my son. His absolute innocence is what has kept me and my family going. This forum is amazing and you will get some great advice and support too. Stay strong, we are all facing a long road with many unexpected turns but hopefully the truth will come out in the end.

[Mattie52]

Hi - I can't offer advice as I'm new to this - but I am in the same position as you (except my son is 18). I understand your not wanting to leave him on his own; my son has diazepam now for when too anxious. Counselling; doctor's help and any meds on offer - we're doing all that - it's about living through it. Use this forum to realize that you're far from alone. My sympathy to you.

Thank you so much! I so appreciate you replying - never thought in a million years I would be writing on such a forum. Yes, diazepam sounds like a good idea - he is on betablockers but don't think that they are doing the trick. Am so glad I found you all!

[Mattie52]

Sorry you have had to find your way here- it's always a sad day when someone new joins us.

Is your son's accuser on facebook or other social media site? If so try and keep an eye on her profile if possible and screen shot anything which may be appropriate.
It is always an anxiety fuelled time- he is doing the right thing by seeking GP input and of course he'll need your support.

let's hope this is resolved quickly for you

Hi Amanda,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I thought about having a look on f/b but was concerned that this would be visible to her in some way. Once again though thank you for your kind words.

[Mattie52]

Sorry you have had to find this forum,but it is a great place for support and other members are great at pointing people in the right direction. I know how you feel not wanting to leave your son alone,it's early days and there is help for him. The shock wears off in time but the worry and sleepless nights are endless. I hope this terrible ordeal is over very quickly for your son and family. Keep reading posts and don't be afraid to let people know how you are getting on. There will be dark days but we are all here for each other.

Hi lazy lass - thank you so much for your kind words - it feels as though we are living in some sort of surreal nightmare! My family have been amazing and so I am very lucky but it really is extremely scary! Thank you.

[Mattie52]

I will be honest with you, your son is in for a horrible time. It will be full of worry and it will leave him scarred. You and your family will also be put through hell watching him. Nothing will happen for a long time, but the worry and stress will be awful.
Ask him to see a doctor and explain everything. He will probably get anti depression medication and that will help him.

I was 13 months between arrest and trail and it was hard, the hardest time in my life, but with support he will get through it.

Thank you for your honesty Vindicated,' - yes I think that is probably something we will look to do next week. Trying very hard to be supportive but am really struggling to keep a grip!

[Mattie52]

sorry to see you here, yes i guess it is true that it might take a long time, but some its goes on for a few weeks,some months, some 2 years..you can never tell but all you can do is keep strong between each bail date. The police won't be likely to be looking for anything to help your son, so you and your son need to look on social media, screenshot messages between each other about when they were arranging to meet? anything and everything, it may not seem all relevant but keep it just incase and it may be helping to build a picture for you and your son. Store it away from the home.. (with a trustworthy friend/relative) and most importantly keep strong..

h xx

Thank you very much for the advice - certainly worth looking into. He has not yet been charged so am praying that this will not be the case! As for keeping strong I really am trying - finding this forum has certainly helped me today!

[Mattie52]

My son was arrested under similar circumstances in December and has recently been re-bailed for another 4 months! we have been on a roller coaster of emotions since day one, there have been a lot of tears and sleepless nights and some days I don't know how I even got out of bed, but I did. You will get over the original shock and manage to somehow carry on and realise that you are stronger than you ever thought you would be. Keeping things as normal as they can be under the circumstances has been a great help to my son. His absolute innocence is what has kept me and my family going. This forum is amazing and you will get some great advice and support too. Stay strong, we are all facing a long road with many unexpected turns but hopefully the truth will come out in the end.

Hi Soanxious - thank you so much for your reply. I do appreciate the bit about not wanting to get out of bed - I do hope so as I know we need to be strong enough to fight this! Of course I am biased but my son would never harm anyone and his behaviour on Sunday morning before he was arrested was not that of someone worrying about an imminent arrest for rape!! Very good advice about keeping things normal but have just been shopping and wanted to wail in the middle of Marks and Sparks just get the most amazing feeling of panic. I can already see that the forum is an amazing source of help so thank you once again. Please let me know how you get on.

[Soanxious]

Hi Soanxious - thank you so much for your reply. I do appreciate the bit about not wanting to get out of bed - I do hope so as I know we need to be strong enough to fight this! Of course I am biased but my son would never harm anyone and his behaviour on Sunday morning before he was arrested was not that of someone worrying about an imminent arrest for rape!! Very good advice about keeping things normal but have just been shopping and wanted to wail in the middle of Marks and Sparks just get the most amazing feeling of panic. I can already see that the forum is an amazing source of help so thank you once again. Please let me know how you get on.

As parents we are biased, but I know him too well (our sons are of a similar age) and like your son his behaviour was normal before the police arrested him. It is so very hard to keep things normal and I must admit I do my crying behind closed doors, the calmer I appear the better my son seems to cope, I think he feels so bad for the way this has upset the family. The first few times I went shopping I was just like you and felt like I was going to have a panic attack. Things do improve! It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I try to get to sleep, but you do get to learn to live with it, even though it is always there hoovering in the background. I have only just joined this forum but have been reading it for a while and found it a great source of advice and comfort. I now feel better prepared for whatever may happen next. Stay strong, things will get better.

[2tea2]

You will be fine. It will be a hard time but distract yourself. You are a Mum, I am a Mum. He needs you strong now just like when he was a little lad - and you can do that (if I can, anyone can). Once a week, I surprise him by taking him out for a pint (and a fag - we've both taken up the occasional fag habit to take our minds off stuff) and an honest chat - it starts and ends at the pub - he doesn't find it easy to open up. However your son needs to cope - go with it. I literally slept downstairs with my son on the settee because I didn't want to leave him alone.
You are not alone - there are many of us for whom this is totally surreal and yet - real. You will be OK.