Six months today- Feeling drained.

[Lilyput]

I think it's unfair on real rape victims it drags out so long... I'm sure they do want it over with but FA's enjoy every bit of attention they can lap up or every moment they can keep a family in turmoil depending on their motives.

[Franticwithworry]

Thank you for being so kind, Lilyput.

I agree that the police need to be seen to be doing a thorough job from the FA's point if view so they can't come back and complain, but it's awful that when it's so clear that, in the cases where someone is lying, or malicious, or both, they don't say so. From the accused's point of view this never goes away. It's always there with the threat that the FA'r can resurrect it again if she decides there's 'new evidence' ie s/he dreams up some other lie, and the arrest record is always there.

There needs to be some acknowledgement of false accusations and an attempt to put right the harm that's done, even if it's just wiping the record clean, but at the moment there's nothing and we are all left traumatised. I'm sure some people think - well nothing came of it, what's the problem? They have no idea!

[Lilyput]

I totally agree...I think they just feel if you don't end up convicted and your innocent why are you complaining? And if you get convicted a jury found you guilty so you are guilty.
My OH does a job where he is often a witness in theft and he had a letter from the police last week basically saying the man could appeal the conviction but he only has 21 days and its rarely happens (I'm paraphrasing). It honestly came across so snidey I'm scared stiff OH will be convicted and FA will get a snidey letter like that about him.

[Staystrong1]

Hi Frantic

Just thought i would say keep going you can get through this. My OH was accused of a FA Historic over 20 years ago. Allegation came over 2 years ago and trial last year Unanimous NG after a nine day trial. So I can totally Understand how you are feeling. Charge came after 7 months after being in limbo land, truly an awful day but thats when the fight really began. We had Chris Saltrese and Tania as defence team and can 100% recommend them. This awful limbo land is just awful and is all you do is second guess and feel ill but there really is no quick way you have to wait and hopefully for you an NFA but dont despair even if a charge you can get past it. I found keeping a book and noting everything possible about the time in question and a timeline helpfull, jot it down no matter how small, as the devil,is in the detail. You can do this, take one day at a time and dont keep driving yourself mad, I cant beleive how a FA can destroy your life but dont let them win. Sending positive vibes to you x

[Franticwithworry]

Hi Frantic

Just thought i would say keep going you can get through this. My OH was accused of a FA Historic over 20 years ago. Allegation came over 2 years ago and trial last year Unanimous NG after a nine day trial. So I can totally Understand how you are feeling. Charge came after 7 months after being in limbo land, truly an awful day but thats when the fight really began. We had Chris Saltrese and Tania as defence team and can 100% recommend them. This awful limbo land is just awful and is all you do is second guess and feel ill but there really is no quick way you have to wait and hopefully for you an NFA but dont despair even if a charge you can get past it. I found keeping a book and noting everything possible about the time in question and a timeline helpfull, jot it down no matter how small, as the devil,is in the detail. You can do this, take one day at a time and dont keep driving yourself mad, I cant beleive how a FA can destroy your life but dont let them win. Sending positive vibes to you x

Thank you. This accusation is decades old too, and we have started a notebook, so I know we are doing the right things. I feel a bit silly now as it was all getting on top of me this morning and I do feel better now. You've all been really great.

Thank the heavens for this site as I honestly think I'd be in the looney bin without you all. I have to keep trying to support the people who are supporting us in everyday life too, and being Mum, I'm supposed to be the strong one who has all the answers, fielding the phone calls as they all call me to ask if everything is ok and if there's any news, so I'm afraid you poor souls got me in meltdown today. I'm not complaining about any of that. It's brilliant that some people are so supportive and that they are sensitive of my man's feelings.

Thank you again.

[Rights Fighter]

I totally agree...I think they just feel if you don't end up convicted and your innocent why are you complaining? And if you get convicted a jury found you guilty so you are guilty.
My OH does a job where he is often a witness in theft and he had a letter from the police last week basically saying the man could appeal the conviction but he only has 21 days and its rarely happens (I'm paraphrasing). It honestly came across so snidey I'm scared stiff OH will be convicted and FA will get a snidey letter like that about him.

The letters are not "snidey" but factual.

Somebody found guilty of a crime does have a certain amount of time to appeal. That is the law. They also have a right to apply to appeal convictions "out of time" but they MUST have good reason as to why they waited that long.

[Lilyput]

He's been in the job years and trust they have a snidey undertone like they could be able to... but they don't really have a chance plus info such as dates of birth and middle names which i don't feel are needed.

[hello88]

i hate to say this, but being honest.. i struggled the most after the 6 month mark. I had a few days of thinking "yeah, we got this far, we survived 6 months, we can survive anytime" but i kept saying its like running a marathon.. and after 6 months i was really really tyrering out mentally and physically. The only problem with this marathon is you have no idea when and where the finish line is!!

take some time out, maybe plan another break away?? but most importantly, keep strong xxxxxx

[Lilyput]

Seven months I get worse around this time every month. Having a really bad week because a well meaning person at church had a word from God it would all go way so I stupidly took that to mean a NFA was already in the postal system... so ridiculous it probably still hasn't even been looked at... at all. I just have a horrible feeling a charge is going to wait lurking until the most inconvenient time possible. Everyone else apart from well meaning person has forgotten about it including my OH.

Some days I feel even God's forgotten I know he hasn't. Just I feel like I'm praying to the vast sky that provides sympathy but doesn't intervene, isn't he the God of intervention? He has always answered my prayers before. Getting harder and harder to praise God in such a rough storm. I hope one day his plan for my life becomes more clear right now it isn't.

I feel like I'm finally coming to terms with everything that happened October of last year FA, losing friends and family, medical issue (unrelated) but fairly traumatic. It's hard to get over something that's still on going. On the bright side most days I am okay... FA seems to have moved on and forgotten she made an allegation I'm sure she'll remember again if there's a charge but at least she won't fabricate fresh evidence if she's happy. Managed five weeks here without running away to father in laws pretty proud of that strangely.

Sorry for the rant it's such a roller coaster.

[Rights Fighter]

Having a really bad week because a well meaning person at church had a word from God it would all go way ......

The church also attracts people with serious mental health problems that cannot be cured by simply going to church. We know that, not just because of a certain member in the group, but we see it happening every day. Every religion has it's fair share of nutters who believe they should be ruling the world by any foul means.

Some people would like to think that they have a direct hotline to and from God. They don't. Nobody does.

I know a lady whose husband has Cancer. A person in the congregation at the church she went to told her that "God told me that he will be cured". He died weeks later.

Please try to take no notice of these self-obsessed people who believe God is passing on messages.

Your faith should be helping you cope with ongoing trials and tribulations. That's all it is supposed to do.

There is no promise from God or anyone else with any supposed higher power, that things will work out as they should. Look around and see all the other terrible injustices, including poverty, war, etc, happening in the world today.

There's a saying along the lines of: "I asked God to take this burden away from me. Then I realised I should have asked for a stronger back......"

Hold on in there.

[YearsOfHell]

Life will never be the same again that's for sure!
We just get used to a new "normal"

I too have questioned my faith and really had it tested to the limit with these allegations so I can totally empathise with the feelings you have.

RF is right, no one has direct contact with God unfortunately.
When we find ourselves being judged and lied about, all we can do is pray for endurance.
Whether we can feel his help or not is an individual thing, and personally I have felt his help many times but this time I'm not sure he is listening.
When I feel like this I just wonder if I'm not asking for the right thing.
So I love this:

"There's a saying along the lines of: "I asked God to take this burden away from me. Then I realised I should have asked for a stronger back......""
Thanks RF!!

Keep strong! We will get through it. We might not be able to see it but the fact we are still hanging on could be only because God is supporting us after all!!

YoH

[AmandaF]

I don't often talk about faith as I think it's a very private issue however it does say that god -whatever you perceive him/her to be- will not let us be tested beyond what we can endure.

Throughout all this I have often felt there have been many little quirks that by rights shouldn't have happened- like OH's FA turning up in the next cell. Mere coincidence? The hand of fate? Some strange pre-ordained circumstance? I don't know. But if it hadn't happened, there is no way on earth we would have known anything about his crimes. Whether the appeal advocate can now find grounds for appeal remains to be seen but without this occurence we would have nothing.

God, fate, whatever works in mysterious ways. I hope along with it we are given the strength to cope

[Lilyput]

Thanks everybody met up with my nice SIL yesterday not the one I argued with. First time I'd seen somebody from that side of the family since Boxing day which felt very nice and normal.


I do personally feel God can intervene and I do believe in words from God, miracles etc but it has become a silly thoughtless platitude among some Christians. Remember when oldest was small we were getting them to dance along to the music at our old church and this old lady said aww children are such a blessing God's told me they'll be more babies to come. We were young and obviously enjoyed our family, it was very likely we'd have more, it's rare to just have one unless your older or single. She didn't know us from Adam and it was a little rude and intrusive really.

This particular person said it quite thoughtlessly too. He's not mentally ill or anything but is very extreme and is of the view point everything is from God. He's given testimony about getting over a bad cold or him and his wife agreeing on what sofa to buy, sorry but not things I'd view as an act of God tbh. It annoyed me slightly as I was trying to talk to him about an outreach and had been doing a good job of forgetting FA, I brushed it off at first but it's been playing on my mind since Sunday.

I figure if God has a message for me he can tell himself lol.

[janjoe10]

My son's trial starts in 2 weeks and it would of been 15 months since this nightmare began. I can honestly say the last few months have Been the hardest. At first I was like they won't win we will stay strong but it's starting to wear me Down. I'm his mum I'm suppose to protect him and if I could take away his pain I would. He is suicidal every day due to this and I hate them for that. I want my happy boy back he's a shell of what he once was.
His doctor tells him he will pray for him . Many people say they will pray for him and I pray even though I'm not very religious. I think in hard times you turn to whatever brings you comfort.
X

[Lilyput]

Janjoe- All the best for the trial I will be praying for you! As a mother myself I can't even imagine how you are feeling but remember he is innocent and he's getting a chance to prove this and hopefully putting this horrid accusation to bed for the last time.