Brief account

[2tea2]

My son (17) has just been accused by his ex girlfriend (with whom he had a sexual relationship) of raping her - 3 months ago - in our house one morning, when I was actually in the house. She made other allegations too about illegal things being in our house. Police searched and found nothing (obviously). My son was arrested and questioned with a duty solicitor present - he was very good - and he said to my son that he gets about 3 or 4 cases like this a week and there is less than a 1% chance of conviction.

We have been very unhappy since - panicky really - I don't want to leave my son alone at all because he's obviously upset - I've read about youngsters killing themselves in these situations. I do not dare to be hopeful (after reading all the experiences on here), but on what planet could something like this be proven beyond reasonable doubt? I saw nothing, heard nothing - they sat and had breakfast, watched telly, chatted, - her parent picked her up to take home - nothing was amiss. She'd stayed many times before. My son finished with her shortly after that weekend because she was rather needy and she checked up on him all the time - she was not very happy about that I have to say.

Why would someone make something up like this - she seemed like a normal girl. This is a whole new world I've been plunged into - I cannot believe that, seemingly, on an angry whim, so much unhappiness can be caused.

[Lilyput]

Aww going through all this at 17, bless him. I'd maybe find him some sort of distraction hobby, or something educational to keep him positive and maybe take him on a little holiday.

Less than 1% chance of conviction sounds extremely hopeful, as does the casual atmosphere the next morning. Doesn't sound like this girl has much of a case, but I also know that this doesn't stop all the worrying.
If they had a relationship after this keep any texts or facebook messages she sent after the alleged 'rape would be hugely helpful, though don't give them to the police just print them out and keep them with someone you trust.

Wish I had more helpful advice just take good care of yourselves and distract as much as possible.

[TBG1]

Hi 2tea2 & Welcome,


I'm sorry you find yourself here - and even more sorry that your son finds himself in this situation.

As you say, a quick read through some of the threads on here can make you anxious when you see that many people appear to have been charrged with absolutely nothing. However, (I believe) there are an equal number of threads that have a positive outcome - and these make just as good a read.

At this point there isn't a great deal that you can do but wait. What I would suggest though is that you and your son separately write down exactly what you remember about the day in question. I only say 'separately' simply because that day would've been very different for you than it was for your son, so it may help (your son) when you've completed the excercise to see the day from a completely different perspective.

This may of course also be very useful down the line if it becomes necessary - so it's better to collect your memories now, as they may fade as time passes.

It's good that the duty solicitor made such positive comments. Please be mindful of the fact though that he will likely not be representing you if this goes further and therefore is able to make overly-positive comments without fear of being "called-out" on them.

Having said that, from your short account, he does appear to have a point (in my opinion). In my experience, as there is no physical evidence, the "investigation" will centre solely around whether the Police/CPS will be able to gather enough other material/accounts to make his accuser's story believable. If they can't, I believe that will likely bring the matter to a close.

Please prepare to defend yourselves - you will be surprised at how desperate the authorites are to bring these cases in - true or false. But there's no real need to make yourself sick with worry because this may well go away, but not quickly.

Keep posting here as you will find answers to question nobody else can answer and you can ask questions that you dare not ask anyone else. Beyond that, you will receive fantastic support through this diificult period for you & your family.


Best Wishes to you & your son.


TBG1

[Scaredlad]

Welcome to hell, sorry you find yourself here and pass my best onto your son. I know how hard he is finding it, you have the question-mark over your head, embarrassment when telling people your side, its all horrible. Sounds like he had a decent duty solicitor who is expecting it to get dropped (No Further Actioned), but don't expect that to be any time soon.

The way I'm coping is remembering I'm innocent and that if it had been one of my friends making the complaint I'd want a full investigation and that's what the police are doing. Still a living hell but I personally find some comfort in that.

As for the suicide risk talk to him, sounds counter intuitive but ask him about it and if he does feel that way ask if he has any plans. Will be a very awkward conversation but opens up that bridge of communication, which may well end up in him breaking down and letting floodgates open. This is actually a good thing as it shares the emotion rather than bottling it up. If he does feel that way go to the GP or even if you suspect still get him to go.

The legal side I don't really understand yet but the emotions I go through daily as do most of us. Just make sure he knows you're there for him and I wish you both the best of luck. Were all here for each other on this forum, Falsely Accused, family and friends so message and you'll find help.

[Franticwithworry]

My son (17) has just been accused by his ex girlfriend (with whom he had a sexual relationship) of raping her - 3 months ago - in our house one morning, when I was actually in the house. She made other allegations too about illegal things being in our house. Police searched and found nothing (obviously). My son was arrested and questioned with a duty solicitor present - he was very good - and he said to my son that he gets about 3 or 4 cases like this a week and there is less than a 1% chance of conviction.

We have been very unhappy since - panicky really - I don't want to leave my son alone at all because he's obviously upset - I've read about youngsters killing themselves in these situations. I do not dare to be hopeful (after reading all the experiences on here), but on what planet could something like this be proven beyond reasonable doubt? I saw nothing, heard nothing - they sat and had breakfast, watched telly, chatted, - her parent picked her up to take home - nothing was amiss. She'd stayed many times before. My son finished with her shortly after that weekend because she was rather needy and she checked up on him all the time - she was not very happy about that I have to say.

Why would someone make something up like this - she seemed like a normal girl. This is a whole new world I've been plunged into - I cannot believe that, seemingly, on an angry whim, so much unhappiness can be caused.

Hello 2tea2, I'm so sorry to hear that you and your son are dealing with this. It really is dreadful and beyond belief that someone, on a whim, can cause such grief, but they can, and the police have to investigate every such claim.

I'm no expert, but I'd does sound as though your son's girlfriend is vengeful and upset at the breakup and lashing out in the worst way she knows how. Please be comforted by the expert. Your son's solicitor clearly and sadly sees a great deal of this. Hopefully, the girls allegations are just too extreme to have any credence to them and all will be thrown out before too long. As you say, you were there and the police found nothing.

There is room for hope - there are plenty of people on this forum who receive NFA (no further action) letters. Do what others have suggested here and jot down everything you can remember about that morning, every little detail, and get your son to do the same if you haven't already. Then, get all the information you can about getting the arrest stricken from his record if it gets NFA'd. That will give you something to do over the next little while.

The panic will subside gradually you will get on with other things. Is he negotiating uni or job applications at the moment? There are people on here who can help with negotiating things like that to if it comes to awkward questions on forms and so on.

It's amazing how this stuff impacts our lives, but we get through it, a day at a time, we do, and the people here are a fantastic help for all sorts of kinds of support.

[2tea2]

Thanks for your kind words,
If she had no case I'd be worrying - because in the normal way of things - people just don't accuse you of things. I am encouraged by someone on a forum saying that going to the gym was a godsend - so I think I'll get him onto that.
Cheers

[2tea2]

Tried to reply to individuals but can't do it. So, generally, thankyou for taking time to reply and reassuring me (as much as you are able). My son says that he knows he did nothing wrong - and even if the very, very worst happens, he can know in his own heart that he is innocent - and that actually makes him stronger. I see that as a theme throughout your answers - you are all digging very deeply into your own resources to create strength for yourselves - but something in the climate of law has got to change. The depth of suffering for the falsely accused can be correctly equated to the depth of suffering for an actual rape victim. The law is therefore causing suffering. Probably males have to fight-shy of saying that - but I'm female so I'll probably get away with it.
Stay strong.

[Franticwithworry]

It's good to hear that your son is finding strength within himself 2tea2. And yes, as women supporting accused men, we are able to say things that the men cannot. Some cannot believe that women would lie about such a thing, but they do, with impunity, and without repercussions. There is something drastically wrong with the system that refuses to be impartial, believes accusers no matter how outlandish and improbable the accusation and calls them 'victim' rather than 'complainant' from the outset.

The abuse and poor use of language itself drives me nuts. Our men are as much victims when they are falsely accused as any genuine rape victim is, and I am fed up of being accused of enabling an abuser and of 'victim blaming' because I support my man. Like you and others, I know my man is innocent of the allegations, but we have kept certain information close to our chests so that the story(ies) cannot be changed. The odds are so stacked against falsely accused men it's a crime in itself. The system is broken and I've wept a river for the injustice of it.

Someone here described rape allegations as 'the new whiplash'. They're not wrong, and if falsely-accusing women are not careful, the issue will come full circle and genuine complainants will find it hard to be believed again.

Anyway, rant over. Something like the gym will be good for your son, and you need something for yourself. You don't mention his Dad. Is he around or are you a single Mum? I'm just wondering and hoping that you have someone to talk to in person as well as here. Both would be good if you can manage it.

[2tea2]

Thankyou for that ! No-one can criticize you for supporting your accused man - you KNOW him. In a way - that has to be the strongest evidence in defence. I would not defend my boy if I thought him capable of this; I would think - "He's probably done this - he needs to suffer the consequences - perhaps he will change and achieve greater awareness of all this." I would still love him - but even Motherly love is not blind.
I think it will take women to campaign for a change in the law.

People make false accusations about all sorts of things every day....why would rape be any different? It isn't - false accusations must be expected. So if people criticize your or my support of a falsely accused man, I'd like to ask them, who SHOULD defend the wrongly accused ? If no-one, then it's a witch-hunt - if you're accused, you must be guilty. I am disgusted with that.

[AmandaF]

Hi 2tea2 and welcome although it is always a sad day when people have to find us.

just to pick up on one of your comments and I hope I haven't taken it out of context- "Because in the normal way of things- people don't just accuse you of things", Oh they do !! And how!!

Just to echo everyone else's advice really- start to write down everything you remember from that time, Does she have facebook? If so keep an eye on her posts and screenshot or save anything that may help your son's case but a word of caution- DO NOT give anything useful to the police as they do not investigate these cases , they are only after meeting conviction targets.

It's a sad and sorry world we live in .

[2tea2]

Hi - thanks for that. When I said 'in the normal way of things people don't get accused....' --I just meant, in my experience, in everyday life it isn't something that's ever happened - now I realize that we all live on very thin ice. Thanks for the advice.

[Casehardened]

Tried to reply to individuals but can't do it.

Did you mean by pm? If so the system will let you do this after you have been a member for 10 days.

[2tea2]

Did you mean by pm? If so the system will let you do this after you have been a member for 10 days.

Yes - I understand - thankyou SM.

[Lucky]

Most important thing right now, is your son needs to know he is not alone, and he is certainly not the first ( or the last ) to find himself in the position he is.

Let him know that there are LOTS of ppl who have been through ( and are going through ) the hell is in. But to get comfort from the fact that there are some very able specialists out there who can help. Whether its the legal side, or the emotional side.

Give him the support he needs, and the space he needs to breath and take it all in.

Bless him and your family.