accused while asleep, awaiting bail, advice and anecdotes?

[leftbehind]

Hi, I've been lurking here for a while but I can't seem to find similar cases to my OH's.

After a night out he went with his friend to sit up and chat in the friend's friend house. It got pretty late and because he had no cab money, he decided to crash for the night until his friend woke up to give him a ride home. He fell asleep in the same room as 2 girls he'd barely been acquainted with. A few hours after his friend dropped him off he receives a call from the police that one girl accused him of sexual assault (groping) and the other one was serving as a witness.

At this point, I think I should point out that they were both asleep when he crashed in the same room and they were still asleep when he left. They are also not minors. As he works far away from his hometown, bumping into them would be nearly impossible and he's also changed his number and withdrew from society in general.

Neither parties have evidence, the police didn't take any phone/computer/possession, did not search his house. They just took the girls' statements and my OH's and gave him a bail date. His original bail date has been pushed to this month, it's been 3 months since the police interview. It's torture not knowing if it's been passed on to CPS or what.

He changed from scared to angry and overwhelmed. It's gotten to his head so badly that he decided we can't be together until he sorts this thing out and gets out cleanly. I've been pushed away, he ignores me and sometimes explicitly asks to be left alone. He doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep, he doesn't talk to anyone including family except if it's work related. He doesn't go out at all, he doesn't the energy or willpower to do anything beyond work.

I don't know what to do.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

[Lilyput]

Hi my OH was also accused while asleep similar situation ish but his was eleven years ago and he was accused of rape. FA actually said she didn't realise she was raped for a whole decade (as you would) luckily the witnesses even her friend, saw the sleeping arrangements when they got up in the night and have stood by my OH. As it was historic there was no arrest and we've been in limbo also five months now
It does get easy but life definitely has a new normal now. I don't have any advice as it is SO hard to know what the CPS and the police are thinking just hugs your not alone. There have been alot of cases NFA'd as of late so there's always hope. Keep going huni.

[leftbehind]

It's particularly hard at the moment because he's shunned family and broke up with me and is being reckless and carefree about money despite his own complaints that his solicitor will suck his savings dry.

How many times did you OH get rebailed and when is his next bail date?

[Lilyput]

It was historic so he wasn't arrested. He called the CPS and they said it's not even been looked at yet My OH is in LALA land and isn't at all prepared to go to court should that happen! It's nearly five months since interview though.

[leftbehind]

That must be horrible, not even knowing if you could go on living life like it never happened or if you should expect someone to swoop down! Do you have any idea how long they can dilly dally about it? Or does the police and CPS not have some sort of expiry or humanely allowable timeline to investigate?

One point your OH and my OH have differently is that mine is looking at it believing the justice system will fail him and he's calling himself a criminal now and imagining all sort of awful prison things, absolutely no career prospects, so wound up and angry. we planned to immigrate but anything less than an NFA is going to make it next to impossible now.

[Lilyput]

I'm probaly like your OH I'm convinced hes going to prison, i freak out daily about how much i rely on him. I plan moving and changing my name and have taken our cable channels away this morning as i cant afford them alone! I've sort of given up really, I'm hoping for the best but i've got a gut feeling hes going down just read too many bad things about the police!

I think we guess the out come for some control. Idk how long they can do this our case hasnt even been assigned to anybody. Sorry I'm no help hun..
Big hugs your not alone. Maybe suggest counselling to your OH, lots of employers offer it for free. Xxx

[Franticwithworry]

Hi, I've been lurking here for a while but I can't seem to find similar cases to my OH's.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Hello, leftbehind, no my OH's circumstances aren't the same, but the time of waiting is about the same, and trying to support a frightened man is the same. It's a horrible, horrible system, that's for sure and it sounds as though your man is quite young. Is that right?

There is an old saying - prepare for the worst and hope for the best - which is great in theory, but can drive you nuts in practice. Is your man's work supporting him? My man's is, but he is throwing himself into work too, working every hour God sends and exhausting himself that way.

All I can suggest for you right now is to do some research for him, quietly. Find a good solicitor for him, so that if he needs one, you have a/some numbers to call. There's lots of good information that I've found on this site as well, but the main thing to do right now it seems is keep calm and sane. Not easy! If he won't talk to you, just send supportive texts telling him you're still thinking off him and loving him will go to the police with him if necessary as his date approaches etc. He is in panic mode right now, but hopefully he will come back down to earth eventually and soon. Are you in touch with any of his other friends who support him?

As women supporting men in this situation we have our own set of issues too. Be sure to look after yourself. If your man is young, you are too.

[Franticwithworry]

I'm probaly like your OH I'm convinced hes going to prison, i freak out daily about how much i rely on him. I plan moving and changing my name and have taken our cable channels away this morning as i cant afford them alone! I've sort of given up really, I'm hoping for the best but i've got a gut feeling hes going down just read too many bad things about the police!

I think we guess the out come for some control. Idk how long they can do this our case hasnt even been assigned to anybody. Sorry I'm no help hun..
Big hugs your not alone. Maybe suggest counselling to your OH, lots of employers offer it for free. Xxx

Hi lilyput, like you I'm freaking out much of the time because the system is rotten to the core but other times I think that the allegations against my man are so crazy, no-one could possibly take them seriously. I don't think my mental health can take much more strain, and it's only been a few months. I panic most when I read it could take years, but I have to be strong for my man.

I try not to let him see me crumble and save my tears for when he's out at work. They have been wonderfully supportive so far but if he's charged, who knows? It's all the what-ifs that drive me crazy. Those and the fact that it's family doing this to us and I'm convinced that it's deliberate. They know exactly what they are doing.

Hang in there. Have you friends who are supporting you? It seems to me that this site can be wonderful in terms of support and information but also as a talk outlet for those in similar circumstances.

[leftbehind]

Hello, leftbehind, no my OH's circumstances aren't the same, but the time of waiting is about the same, and trying to support a frightened man is the same. It's a horrible, horrible system, that's for sure and it sounds as though your man is quite young. Is that right?

There is an old saying - prepare for the worst and hope for the best - which is great in theory, but can drive you nuts in practice. Is your man's work supporting him? My man's is, but he is throwing himself into work too, working every hour God sends and exhausting himself that way.

All I can suggest for you right now is to do some research for him, quietly. Find a good solicitor for him, so that if he needs one, you have a/some numbers to call. There's lots of good information that I've found on this site as well, but the main thing to do right now it seems is keep calm and sane. Not easy! If he won't talk to you, just send supportive texts telling him you're still thinking off him and loving him will go to the police with him if necessary as his date approaches etc. He is in panic mode right now, but hopefully he will come back down to earth eventually and soon. Are you in touch with any of his other friends who support him?

As women supporting men in this situation we have our own set of issues too. Be sure to look after yourself. If your man is young, you are too.

Hi franticwithworry, thank you for the words of support and encouragement. We are in our late twenties. I'm not from the UK and I made my decision to move for love and it's too late to pass up the visa, so I'm very scared and alone right now. The only people I'm acquainted with are his sister and mum, and I'm in touch with his mum... if anyone has the most power to be heard out, it would be mothers! He's shut me out and told me not to text him for a while, so right now his mum is my only source of news, but that's not saying much since he hasn't been in contact with her for a few weeks now. He knows I will stick by him whatever happens and has my full support, but I've said my piece repeatedly now and I feel that the ball is not in my court anymore.

He has a solicitor but not a specialist, and he exploded at me and his dad for separately suggesting he find a specialist lawyer. He can only afford his current lawyer and I saw somewhere that a highly recommended lawyer has a ballpark figure of 30K, which is more than twice of what he can afford.

His work superiors are mildly treating him as a pariah, he is in the military, so he could lose his whole career in an instant. It's torture for him, there's no place he can escape except doing his tasks.

[Franticwithworry]

Hi franticwithworry, thank you for the words of support and encouragement. We are in our late twenties. I'm not from the UK and I made my decision to move for love and it's too late to pass up the visa, so I'm very scared and alone right now. The only people I'm acquainted with are his sister and mum, and I'm in touch with his mum... if anyone has the most power to be heard out, it would be mothers! He's shut me out and told me not to text him for a while, so right now his mum is my only source of news, but that's not saying much since he hasn't been in contact with her for a few weeks now. He knows I will stick by him whatever happens and has my full support, but I've said my piece repeatedly now and I feel that the ball is not in my court anymore.

He has a solicitor but not a specialist, and he exploded at me and his dad for separately suggesting he find a specialist lawyer. He can only afford his current lawyer and I saw somewhere that a highly recommended lawyer has a ballpark figure of 30K, which is more than twice of what he can afford.

His work superiors are mildly treating him as a pariah, he is in the military, so he could lose his whole career in an instant. It's torture for him, there's no place he can escape except doing his tasks.

Ok, now you have other women on this site. I am a new member so I can't PM right now or I would, but can you say where you are coming from and which part of England you'll be going to? And when? My thinking is that if your man calms down a bit, he might see the wisdom of instructing a specialist who has the skill to get the case thrown out before trial. He can ask a specialist (if he gets charged) to look at the case, and advise the likely outcome, even if he doesn't instruct him further because of the cost. If he gets charged, he needs specialist advice, but honestly, it may not get that far.

That's the difficulty for the moment, waiting to find out. We started doing better when we accepted that it's a waiting game for now and there wasn't even any point instructing a solicitor yet. It's a lonely place to be but you have friends on this site.

[leftbehind]

Ok, now you have other women on this site. I am a new member so I can't PM right now or I would, but can you say where you are coming from and which part of England you'll be going to? And when? My thinking is that if your man calms down a bit, he might see the wisdom of instructing a specialist who has the skill to get the case thrown out before trial. He can ask a specialist (if he gets charged) to look at the case, and advise the likely outcome, even if he doesn't instruct him further because of the cost. If he gets charged, he needs specialist advice, but honestly, it may not get that far.

That's the difficulty for the moment, waiting to find out. We started doing better when we accepted that it's a waiting game for now and there wasn't even any point instructing a solicitor yet. It's a lonely place to be but you have friends on this site.

I'm a new member too, I'll wait for the 10 days to pass and message you with more details, but I'm from across the pond and moving to London next month. Home for him is somewhere in the West Midlands.

That's very useful information, he's unlikely to accept advice from me as he won't even speak to me and he doesn't even want to see me when I arrive, but I can pass it on to his parents if he gets charged.

[Franticwithworry]

I'm a new member too, I'll wait for the 10 days to pass and message you with more details, but I'm from across the pond and moving to London next month. Home for him is somewhere in the West Midlands.

That's very useful information, he's unlikely to accept advice from me as he won't even speak to me and he doesn't even want to see me when I arrive, but I can pass it on to his parents if he gets charged.

Remember, he's in panic mode and things may change once he knows you're here. There's every chance he'll be thanking you for standing by him in the end. What a distance to come! What we do for love eh? Don't give up hope yet. Do you know if his Mum has found this site too? I'll be happy to be in touch with you via PM. My 10 days are up soon so if I can PM you first I will.

Meanwhile, I'm sure you've got a lot to do to prepare for your move that will keep you busy, and lots of changes when you get here to keep you busy too. That's a blessing in a way. I hope you get time to spend with his parents too, as I'll bet you can be a big support to one another.

[Lilyput]

Hi lilyput, like you I'm freaking out much of the time because the system is rotten to the core but other times I think that the allegations against my man are so crazy, no-one could possibly take them seriously. I don't think my mental health can take much more strain, and it's only been a few months. I panic most when I read it could take years, but I have to be strong for my man.

I try not to let him see me crumble and save my tears for when he's out at work. They have been wonderfully supportive so far but if he's charged, who knows? It's all the what-ifs that drive me crazy. Those and the fact that it's family doing this to us and I'm convinced that it's deliberate. They know exactly what they are doing.

Hang in there. Have you friends who are supporting you? It seems to me that this site can be wonderful in terms of support and information but also as a talk outlet for those in similar circumstances.

I know same here with the ridiculous story! Police even said there was nothing in it and was going to recommend no further action, but it got send it CPS anyway (ggrrr). I do cry in front of my OH because he knew this girl was a bit unhinged and told tall tales and still let her stay. He doesn't deserve to go to prison but his kindness? idiocy? could ruin our whole lives and as much as i love him... i hate him a little bit for his poor decision making. I've always disliked friends from when he was in college and this confirms they just made him act like a numpty!
We have an amazing church, but have lost a lot of friends over this to be honest will be so much worse if he is charged.
Hope your okay, you must still be in a great deal of shock as it's still early days, hope the police can drop it before sending it to CPS for you guys <3

[Chigirl]

Similar story to one I read while back. I will see if I can find the article. He did go to court and was found not guilty.

http://www.westbriton.co.uk/Truro-ma...ail/story.html

[leftbehind]

Similar story to one I read while back. I will see if I can find the article. He did go to court and was found not guilty.

http://www.westbriton.co.uk/Truro-ma...ail/story.html

Wow. The more I read news articles like this the more I cling on to the hope that the police and CPS will junk the claim... my OH did not even lay a finger on accuser and everyone had their clothes on. And the supposed witness (accuser's sister) was there apparently just witnessing the whole thing happening without doing anything... It's so stupid.