A rant really can't do this anymore

[Lilyput]

Just to say a massive thanks to everyone who supported me in a down time last week it really did mean a great deal also wanted to encourage anybody who was down right now and to say you really do have good weeks and bad weeks this week looks like it's going to be much better.

My Son had a brilliant first day in his new class and got star of the day and my OH has started getting his head round saving a bit of money, training for a back up career and asking family members if he can stay with them in case he is charged, very proud of them both

[Franticwithworry]

Just to say a massive thanks to everyone who supported me in a down time last week it really did mean a great deal also wanted to encourage anybody who was down right now and to say you really do have good weeks and bad weeks this week looks like it's going to be much better.

My Son had a brilliant first day in his new class and got star of the day and my OH has started getting his head round saving a bit of money, training for a back up career and asking family members if he can stay with them in case he is charged, very proud of them both

Amen to that!

We are a few months in and I've been struggling too. I know my man won't be eligible for legal aid if charged and the not knowing was killing me. I could feel myself sinking into a really dark place. Given that, with the best will in the world, there's a lot of conflicting advice and experience around, I decided to call a specialist lawyer for a bit of general and up-to-date advice.

He, or at least his assistant, brought me up to a reasonable level of emotional stability in a short space of time, put everything in perspective for me and even offered for them to contact the OIC for updates before his bail dates. (No charge for that service, too, so for a change, there were some happy(ier) tears when I put the phone down.)

I was worried, though, that it might give the police the idea that my man is concerned enough to seek legal advice and that there is substance in the complaint, but he said that it's really the opposite; it will send the message that he is taking the accusation very seriously and will be mounting a full and vigorous defence if necessary. He also said that finding out that not needing to answer to bail the day before was a bit late and a solicitor might get more information a week or so sooner than that.

We also got a ball-park figure of an amount to save and a time-scale if needed. A lot of peace-of-mind in one phone call. There really is no point in fretting about a situation over which there is no control. Save that energy for later, when, if needed, you can work on a defence. (Much easier said than done, I know. It's a moment-by-monent effort sometimes.)

So, we will be mulling over that suggestion over the weekend. If FA gets wind of a solicitor she might end up crowing about it, but I suppose that's a minor detail overall.

I agree with lilyput, this is a very up-and-down emotional roller coaster to be on. Lives are put on hold and changed out of all recognition/ruined on a moments' whim of another. My thoughts are with everyone dealing with this nightmare.

[AmandaF]

Just to pick up on the comments about children involved in this nightmare- after all they have been through, they seem to come out of it reasonably ok.

Despite all the stress and strain of families being split up, coping with all the changes they seem to cope. So, why do SS take no notice of this? Our FA's are all vile creatures, who have complaints of violence and even criminal records.
Does the evidence not speak for itself?

[Franticwithworry]

Just to pick up on the comments about children involved in this nightmare- after all they have been through, they seem to come out of it reasonably ok.

Despite all the stress and strain of families being split up, coping with all the changes they seem to cope. So, why do SS take no notice of this? Our FA's are all vile creatures, who have complaints of violence and even criminal records.
Does the evidence not speak for itself?

It should, but it doesn't, because they interpret it as they want to, sadly.

Some social workers/police officers/people in general only seem to see what they want to see and contradict themselves left and right. The average 5-year-old appears to have more common sense than many of them, but they are caught up in the system too, with targets and quotas to meet, regardless of what is ACTUALLY happening in the REAL world.

And then you've got the 'no smoke without fire' brigade. (Pardon the pun.) It's what gets people believing the worst of those they've known for years against those they've known five minutes, or in some cases never met.

I can't believe that impartiality was allowed to be jettisoned. Everything has gone from one extreme to the other, but you're right, children do come out of it ok, often. It's the falsely accused adults and those who support them who are scarred for life. I cannot wait to move house. I HAVE to leave this place. And I cry every time I think of my sweet, sweet man in handcuffs, and the bewildered expression on his face.

[Faith]

Scars do heal over time, for children and adults alike. They never will leave you BUT there does come a time when the feelings of helplessness, anger and despair become less and become very manageable, no matter how unlikely that may seem at the moment.

Franticwithworry, moving is often a good healer so long as you haven't felt DRIVEN away. Ensure you are leaving your home because it's what you want to do. A fresh environment away from bad memories can be a huge tonic but it helps if it is on your terms.

[Franticwithworry]

Scars do heal over time, for children and adults alike. They never will leave you BUT there does come a time when the feelings of helplessness, anger and despair become less and become very manageable, no matter how unlikely that may seem at the moment.

Franticwithworry, moving is often a good healer so long as you haven't felt DRIVEN away. Ensure you are leaving your home because it's what you want to do. A fresh environment away from bad memories can be a huge tonic but it helps if it is on your terms.

Thank you, Faith, for your kind words. I know, rationally, that scars heal over time. But when, as for so many others, it is family who has done this, there can be no 'new' beginning. We can never pick up the pieces and get the FAs out of our lives without leaving a huge whole where part of the family should be.

It's heartbreaking, to love but not be able to trust, so that those people can never be allowed a place in our lives again. And of course, they are making out that it's all our fault! I don't want them ever to know where I am again so that they can never do this again, and I jump out of my skin every time there's a knock at the door or the doorbell rings. Is it another search warrant? Arrest warrant?

I could really easily become a hermit! But again, thank you.

[Faith]

Trust me, I understand.

Years later, the doorbell still makes ne really nervous. But other aspects get less daunting.

[Lilyput]

Glad you managed to get some sound legal advice FWW.
It is very up and down I'm becoming an expert at distraction.
If anybody is struggling I found that doing something new everyday for a week or a month is a very fun distraction. Can be anything like trying a new food, hairstyle, movie or book. It's the little silly things that keep you going. Today we're making Sundaes and making a movie we've not seen! Sounds daft but i really recommend.

Had some prayer and bible study with some in church today and managed and pray for and (partially) forgive FA i'd say I'm trying wholeheartedly but I'm just not quite there yet.

[Franticwithworry]

Glad you managed to get some sound legal advice FWW.
It is very up and down I'm becoming an expert at distraction.
If anybody is struggling I found that doing something new everyday for a week or a month is a very fun distraction. Can be anything like trying a new food, hairstyle, movie or book. It's the little silly things that keep you going. Today we're making Sundaes and making a movie we've not seen! Sounds daft but i really recommend.

Had some prayer and bible study with some in church today and managed and pray for and (partially) forgive FA i'd say I'm trying wholeheartedly but I'm just not quite there yet.

It looks like we are going to need our distraction skills for a while longer. 3 more months bail to go. We don't want to read too much into things but it's hard not to and the way the rebail notice was worded 'more information/evidence is required before a decision can be made' which has us thinking that CPS have had a look at things and are asking for more. I suggested to my man that he call the OIC and ask but he doesn't want to rock the boat. He says that so many people have waited so much longer, a bit of patience won't kill him.

So we're concentrating on making notes and trying to have the basics of a defence together so we can hand a solicitor a file and hit the ground running if the worst comes to the worst.

Forgiveness for what we're going through? I may have said this before, but the way I'm feeling right now, it's not up to me, it's up to their God. Tonight, I have no energy to even think about trying. I hope others are managing better than I.

[Scaredlad]

So sorry to hear about the rebail and how you're feeling. From reading other forums rebail seems to be the normal but doesn't help all of us suffering. Hope things pick up and just keep up adding to the defence, hopefully won't be needed but helps doing something productive.

[Dove15]

stay strong you know the truth

Stay strong I have been going through the whole process for the last two years court date had been set for trial. Nervous is not the word but I know the truth. Stay strong talk to someone you trust you will be fine

[Franticwithworry]

Thank you. Your kind words and phone calls from trusted people who believe in my man checking how we are mean a lot. We are back on track now for the moment at least, taking one day at a time. There's no option really, is there?