Going to be honest with you....

[hello88]

Hi, my OH (as explained on other post, but going to try and keep to one post now, sorry) has been arrested for historic child sexual abuse, the FA is doing it as a favour for her friend with whom we had a falling out with...

Anyway, he is out on bail.. 6 months and in just under 3 weeks time that bail date is up. This bail date is 2 and half weeks before christmas. I guess this date decides what kind of christmas we're going to have (or not) I have 3 young children and my OH is only allowed supervised access. My 4yo and 6yo pray everynite for daddy to come home and have recently started praying for daddy to come home for Christmas. We we're very privileged to be allowed to go on holiday in october half term (although i had to spend out an extra £355 for accomodation for OH) and we had a fantastic week and i explained that daddy isn't coming back to our home afterwards and they accepted that.However two days ago when reading 4yo bedtime story 6yo laid out towels, socks, welly boots, computer, story books and various other things extremly neatly in the hallway. When i asked why she said "i'm getting stuff ready for holiday, so we can go on holiday with daddy again"...

I have had many disappointments in this 'journey' even though the bail date was 6 months it was likely to be NFA sooner, (or at least our solicitor gave that impression) and stupidly read online, 3 months. At 3 months we got a phonecall to say that it will take 6 months and their reason "a backlog of other cases". Our sol hasn't been helpful with anything, he gives the impression that he's not concerned about this case. And the first OIC was great and even said in the interview "i think this is a vendetta" but the 'new' OIC phoned up the other day to ask details about someone they need to question and i mentioned that "you do realise that (the person who has got the person to make the accusation) has already contacted this person and asked them to help ruin our home and family and then sent this facebook message to my friend to threaten me with it"... she was shocked and seemed very unaware about it, even though my friend went to the police station and spoke to the previous OIC about it showing the message (which resulted in her missing a job interview)! So sent her screenshot of that and sent her a very long email!! Our sol said if he doesnt hear anything from the police he would phone them a week before the bail date....

Now here's where i'm being honest... at the beginning i was strong, i had to be, ss on my back, children who needed me and to not show to the people who done this to me (that i see at the school gate everyday) that they are winning, but my nerves over the bail date are getting hold of me and i am sooo mentally tired. My house is a tip (i pray everyday the social worker doesnt visit) i have no energy and been crying so much this week. One minuite i'm imagining hearing good news, the next minuite i'm imagining hearing 'longer bail date, going to cps, or worse... charged and i burst into tears... even when driving!

Please tell me im not the only one who is like this near to bail date??? My OH wants me to drive him in there that day and i don't know if i could mentally do it. Sitting in the car, nothing to do, waiting on whats going to happen to my family. My OH was so down yesterday because he doens't like the thought of being put in a cell again, and then throughout the afternoon and evening when i phoned his mobile at first he wasn't answering, then it was off. I started getting worried he had done something stupid and i drove round the town to where he parks up sometimes when he has a lot on his mind. I eventually came home and as i was putitng Lo's to bed a police car was outside in the layby opposite our house. I thought the worse then my OH phoned to say that he was sorry as he accidently left he's phone at the chinese takeaway... he did feel extremly bad hearing the state i was in!!

Sorry, really long post, just need to get it of me chest.. just really wondering how you coped just before bail. Sometimes when i think about it i realise i'm physically shaking.... at the beginning i just thought, its ridicolous, they got so many things wrong, including date, vehicle, and claiming they hadn't been in contact for years when the mum was friends on facebook and FA sent a friend request!!! And all this happened less than 3 weeks after FA friend got in a hissy with us and they verbally threatened they would do something like this as well as threatning on facebook involving ss into our lifes. Surely it would be dropped the moment they look into it?? but obviously it doesnt work that way, seems like they did a bit of work and havent done any more until last tuesday!! Argh.... Sorry, just need to know that i'm not going crazy on my own

[Aidy]

I felt every word of pain you wrote there!

Slightly different angle for me, as I'm the accused etc
But unfortunately there is not a lot you can do about the police getting back to you any quicker!
It's a really horrible place to be in, but my advice is you need to get that fighting spirit back!!!
Just remember how important your family is...and how much you would fight to keep it going.
Some things in life are worth fighting for, this is one of them!!!

I started going to the gym, relaxing, reading etc
That has helped me calm down loads!

I just wish you all the best, and you did the right thing by asking questions on here, its definitely the best place for advice in these circumstances!

[Arsenal12]

Very sorry to read about your awful ongoing experience.... I echo Aidy's words....

Apart from trying to keep strong.....remaning positive...support your OH...there really is not a great deal you can do...

I also have a bail date/hearing in December just before Christmas.... So I do feel your pain...as I myself am going through such a horrid ordeal..

I must say reading your post brought a tear to my eye....Because it is so sad that your children are missing their dad so much and through no fault of theirs or your OH they are being kept apart....you see I'm a father to two children who I have not been allowed to see in over 8 months....

So I do understand your point of view.....it is truely heartbreaking....

From a father's point of view it is devastating words simply cannot describe being kept away from your own children....

Your OH is very lucky to have such a great support network in you....you WILL GET THROUGH this and hopefully you and your OH can start to move on....


Keep your chin up.....you are doing a great job.... In looking after your children as well as supporting your OH.....

But remember that on this forum there are many good people with invaluable experience and advice and give kind support who can help you when you feel you need it...

Everybody has heard of the term "there is always someone else worse off than you".... Usually this analogy is disregarded.... By many....whenever I feel really down I think of....the recent tradegies in the news.....and think of the poor...the homeless....the people that are very ill.terminal cancer etc...less fortunate in life than me...

And then I think of what I DO have instead of what I don't have.....this often puts my horrid ordeal into comparison to some of the tradegies in the world...and I then think back to basics....back to" drawing board"

I'm young and healthy
I have my Children (although know contact/access)
I have my mum and dad friends for support
I am strong and motivated to beat my FA and I will NEVER give Up

Perhaps tapping into this analogy can help you and even others....

I am not embarrassed to say this I was a wreck when this ordeal started.....but perhaps as harsh as this sounds...you either give up and let the Perpetrator win.....or you FIGHT BACK...KEEP YOUR CHIN UP....And eventually YOU WILL WIN.




I honestly wish you and your family all the best and hope your kids can be reunited with Thier father....asap. I hope I have helped


Kind regards
A12

Turn the pain into power

[wakingnightmare]

All I can say is you are not alone I could've written that myself today.

I found myself midway through a sentence in a roomful of people tearing up as the whole situation hit me.

Explaining to children is especially difficult and there is an obvious negative effect on their behaviour that only complicates matters further.

Hang in there, you've got this far. Hopefully you'll get a decision when you're OH answers his bail. Take strength from each other.

Aidy and Arsenal I know you've both children and my heartbreaks for you and them. Focus on what you're fighting for

l'd like to thinks the FAs don't realise the impact of these accusations it's preferable to thinking they're pure evil.

[Aidy]

All I can say is you are not alone I could've written that myself today.

I found myself midway through a sentence in a roomful of people tearing up as the whole situation hit me.

Explaining to children is especially difficult and there is an obvious negative effect on their behaviour that only complicates matters further.

Hang in there, you've got this far. Hopefully you'll get a decision when you're OH answers his bail. Take strength from each other.

Aidy and Arsenal I know you've both children and my heartbreaks for you and them. Focus on what you're fighting for

l'd like to thinks the FAs don't realise the impact of these accusations it's preferable to thinking they're pure evil.

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones (if you can call it that?) in that I at least have supervised access to my children, and I'm still at home thank god!

[Casehardened]

You have had some fantastic supporting replies so I will just add one practical point: it is unlikely that he will need to be put in a cell when he attends bail (unless he has to be reinterviewed and he should be given prior notice if this to happen)

He should just go to the front desk & be met by the OIC; obviously what happens then is what is worrying him and we can't second guess that but hopefully it will be good news!

[AmandaF]

Your post and subsequent feelings struck such a chord with me, the only difference we didn't have bailed dates, we were arrested charged that was it.
But the waiting and not knowing that followed were HORRENDOUS!! It made me physically unwell on and off for weeks- still does

There were so many times i wanted to chuck in the towel, so many times I didn't WANT to carry on fighting, trying to be strong etc. because to me the only one who could have got me through couldn't be there. Even now there are days when I am so consumed with bitterness I can barely function.
Sometimes it feels as though we, the supporting partners, have to be the strongest.

My grandson, of whom we had custody, at 12 is still having nightmares, asks me everyday when we can be a family again. i have no answers, just try and give him as much love and security as I can.
The thing is it would probably be worse if you DON' T go with- it's an awful dilemma

Just keep pushing on and believing in yourselves and the future

[hello88]

thank you so so so much for all your lovely supportive replies. I was having a bad day today i guess and after i posted the post i then felt a bit selfish as so many are going through things, many, worse than our situation. But my evening improved, both my school age children went up in reading levels (so so proud they are doing so well despite what they're going through) and actually laughed with my OH on the phone!! The house is still a tip lol, but gonna keep myself busy with baby groups tomorrow and tackle the housework in the evening. I think realising i lost a friend really affected me today as so far that hasn't happened - as far as i know (in fact the opposite until now has happened) and then i get scared thinking, did this 'friend' also lie and say something bad to the police, if so then would we of heard about it???? So many questions! But must focus back on my children, and just put this day down to a rough day with a fresh start tomorrow (hopefully!!) Yet again, thank you all xxxx

[joe_3178]

Just a note that it may be possible to get some information about how the case is progressing. Do you know whether it has gone to the cps yet? I phoned the OIC a few times whilst I was being falsely accused and so I was able to know when the case went to the cps. I wouldn't know how long the cps need but I think it reasonable to assume a few weeks. Sorry to hear about your situation, whatever happens around Christmas allow yourself time to enjoy it with the kids, for them and you. Whatever happens, things will ultimately get better

[hello88]

aww thank you,yeah, they wont speak to me about how the investigation is going... they'd only speak to my husband but he's too nervous to phone up

Anyway, still havent finished the housework but am feeling a little better today because i've been doing some research and managed to get heaps of screenshots from the facebook of the accusers mum, including letting her daughter go play out in the neighbourhood after this apparant 'assualts' happened and whilst we where still living there. Loads and loads of reference to drugs (hmm good link to neighbour with vendetta), loads and loads of partying,(when she had young children at home) her swearing about the children, loads to contradict there statements and also a nice bonus of something confirming myn. Could write a long list here of all the stuff i got today, but got the feeling that wouldn't be wise! So if they do want to take this furthur, they;ll have alot to answer for in court.... including a picture of her drugged up looking like a prostitute (sorry but no one could deny it if they saw the picture) ... far from the perfect mum she would proabably be trying to act like. Storing, printing, everything

[Han Ghree maan]

Hi, my OH (as explained on other post, but going to try and keep to one post now, sorry) has been arrested for historic child sexual abuse, the FA is doing it as a favour for her friend with whom we had a falling out with...

Anyway, he is out on bail.. 6 months and in just under 3 weeks time that bail date is up. This bail date is 2 and half weeks before christmas. I guess this date decides what kind of christmas we're going to have (or not) I have 3 young children and my OH is only allowed supervised access. My 4yo and 6yo pray everynite for daddy to come home and have recently started praying for daddy to come home for Christmas. We we're very privileged to be allowed to go on holiday in october half term (although i had to spend out an extra £355 for accomodation for OH) and we had a fantastic week and i explained that daddy isn't coming back to our home afterwards and they accepted that.However two days ago when reading 4yo bedtime story 6yo laid out towels, socks, welly boots, computer, story books and various other things extremly neatly in the hallway. When i asked why she said "i'm getting stuff ready for holiday, so we can go on holiday with daddy again"...

I have had many disappointments in this 'journey' even though the bail date was 6 months it was likely to be NFA sooner, (or at least our solicitor gave that impression) and stupidly read online, 3 months. At 3 months we got a phonecall to say that it will take 6 months and their reason "a backlog of other cases". Our sol hasn't been helpful with anything, he gives the impression that he's not concerned about this case. And the first OIC was great and even said in the interview "i think this is a vendetta" but the 'new' OIC phoned up the other day to ask details about someone they need to question and i mentioned that "you do realise that (the person who has got the person to make the accusation) has already contacted this person and asked them to help ruin our home and family and then sent this facebook message to my friend to threaten me with it"... she was shocked and seemed very unaware about it, even though my friend went to the police station and spoke to the previous OIC about it showing the message (which resulted in her missing a job interview)! So sent her screenshot of that and sent her a very long email!! Our sol said if he doesnt hear anything from the police he would phone them a week before the bail date....

Now here's where i'm being honest... at the beginning i was strong, i had to be, ss on my back, children who needed me and to not show to the people who done this to me (that i see at the school gate everyday) that they are winning, but my nerves over the bail date are getting hold of me and i am sooo mentally tired. My house is a tip (i pray everyday the social worker doesnt visit) i have no energy and been crying so much this week. One minuite i'm imagining hearing good news, the next minuite i'm imagining hearing 'longer bail date, going to cps, or worse... charged and i burst into tears... even when driving!

Please tell me im not the only one who is like this near to bail date??? My OH wants me to drive him in there that day and i don't know if i could mentally do it. Sitting in the car, nothing to do, waiting on whats going to happen to my family. My OH was so down yesterday because he doens't like the thought of being put in a cell again, and then throughout the afternoon and evening when i phoned his mobile at first he wasn't answering, then it was off. I started getting worried he had done something stupid and i drove round the town to where he parks up sometimes when he has a lot on his mind. I eventually came home and as i was putitng Lo's to bed a police car was outside in the layby opposite our house. I thought the worse then my OH phoned to say that he was sorry as he accidently left he's phone at the chinese takeaway... he did feel extremly bad hearing the state i was in!!

Sorry, really long post, just need to get it of me chest.. just really wondering how you coped just before bail. Sometimes when i think about it i realise i'm physically shaking.... at the beginning i just thought, its ridicolous, they got so many things wrong, including date, vehicle, and claiming they hadn't been in contact for years when the mum was friends on facebook and FA sent a friend request!!! And all this happened less than 3 weeks after FA friend got in a hissy with us and they verbally threatened they would do something like this as well as threatning on facebook involving ss into our lifes. Surely it would be dropped the moment they look into it?? but obviously it doesnt work that way, seems like they did a bit of work and havent done any more until last tuesday!! Argh.... Sorry, just need to know that i'm not going crazy on my own

So sorry to read this, my wife and I went through hell for 7 and a half months thanks to my ex wife whom i'd been split up with for over 20 years. Stay strong and keep praying, I know God got me through it I would have been sent down for murder otherwise..I kid you not. We did always to try and maintain the relationships with our children who were devastated by what was happening. I was not allowed to see them even supervised for 3 months, I ended up ringing the local social services and making a complaint about child cruelty, and that my children cried all the time. WHen I was asked who was the purpretrator I sad social services. I started seeing my children after that twice a week for tow hours at an access centre. oth myself and my wife were praised by social services for putting our childrens needs first, celebrating birthdays and so on. It took a further 3 and a half months for police to come back with no further action. We have been left with huge bills and debt, weve been paying off our IVA now for five years thanks to this false allegation.

But I wanted you to know that if you stay strong and pray AND do everything else to keep yourself sane, continue to love each other and do what is right I am sure it will eventually start to come right. I know I was starting to think it never would for us. My ex wife has been causing trouble for me for over 20 years, even when she is showed to be liying everyone just accepts it and she doesnt even get told off so she will never stop. She will never have the peace that I have though, and that is something money cannot buy. I look myself in the eyes every day when im brushing my teeth or shaving, I can do that because I have a clear concience. I will pray for you too, sometimes that all we can do, try to have a sense of humour too...nothing like a good laff to stave off black thoughts...a glass of wine here and there, good friends, a meal and so on, try to rememebr life does and will go on even though it doesnt always feel like there is going to be a tommorow, and finally live today...tommorow will look after itself when it comes...I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU...Han Ghree Man (well not always lol)

[hello88]

So sorry to read this, my wife and I went through hell for 7 and a half months thanks to my ex wife whom i'd been split up with for over 20 years. Stay strong and keep praying, I know God got me through it I would have been sent down for murder otherwise..I kid you not. We did always to try and maintain the relationships with our children who were devastated by what was happening. I was not allowed to see them even supervised for 3 months, I ended up ringing the local social services and making a complaint about child cruelty, and that my children cried all the time. WHen I was asked who was the purpretrator I sad social services. I started seeing my children after that twice a week for tow hours at an access centre. oth myself and my wife were praised by social services for putting our childrens needs first, celebrating birthdays and so on. It took a further 3 and a half months for police to come back with no further action. We have been left with huge bills and debt, weve been paying off our IVA now for five years thanks to this false allegation.

But I wanted you to know that if you stay strong and pray AND do everything else to keep yourself sane, continue to love each other and do what is right I am sure it will eventually start to come right. I know I was starting to think it never would for us. My ex wife has been causing trouble for me for over 20 years, even when she is showed to be liying everyone just accepts it and she doesnt even get told off so she will never stop. She will never have the peace that I have though, and that is something money cannot buy. I look myself in the eyes every day when im brushing my teeth or shaving, I can do that because I have a clear concience. I will pray for you too, sometimes that all we can do, try to have a sense of humour too...nothing like a good laff to stave off black thoughts...a glass of wine here and there, good friends, a meal and so on, try to rememebr life does and will go on even though it doesnt always feel like there is going to be a tommorow, and finally live today...tommorow will look after itself when it comes...I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU...Han Ghree Man (well not always lol)

Thank you for your absoloutly (spelling??) lovely post! I have a long list of the financial stresses that this allegation has caused (we're both self employed in the same business and the police siezed laptops with accounts on, had to buy a new laptop to keep business running and afraid to take christmas bookings as we dont know if its bad news if we are going to cope??) plus OH is having to contribute towards rent on the place he's staying.... ahhh sorry, going of on a rant again - but the list is long lol - we've also been praise by social services, but being truthful for us our kids are a priority in all this and hope the outcome of it for them isn't permanent (i think when OH does come home they're going to panic everytime he goes out, but that would be another obstacle which can't be worse than what where crawling through at the moment!) But yet again thank you for your lovely post and encouraging words... just keep praying this nightmare will be over soon

[Han Ghree maan]

re kids

Thank you for your absoloutly (spelling??) lovely post! I have a long list of the financial stresses that this allegation has caused (we're both self employed in the same business and the police siezed laptops with accounts on, had to buy a new laptop to keep business running and afraid to take christmas bookings as we dont know if its bad news if we are going to cope??) plus OH is having to contribute towards rent on the place he's staying.... ahhh sorry, going of on a rant again - but the list is long lol - we've also been praise by social services, but being truthful for us our kids are a priority in all this and hope the outcome of it for them isn't permanent (i think when OH does come home they're going to panic everytime he goes out, but that would be another obstacle which can't be worse than what where crawling through at the moment!) But yet again thank you for your lovely post and encouraging words... just keep praying this nightmare will be over soon

Yes what you say is true there, we had problems with our children for at least four years so much that i took to working only part time so i could be there for them. Even now, and we are talk from back in 2008 so thats 7 years ago and the two older ones talk about it and we have to reassure them as best we can. You sound like your both sensible caring people and that will make ALL the difference in the world...

Stay safe x Mr Han Ghree heh heh

[IRB777]

Hi sorry your finding things rough at the moment, you will find strength from somewhere. The advice people have given is good. Try to take a break from things dont stay indoors the best way to alleviate stress is to get some exercise wether it be long walks , the gym or a day away. I used to get away to the coast fishing it helped alot, i also went to some sporting events, it really helps. Its hard when there are children that are suffering also, i didnt see my kids for 18 months at all. Now over 2 years on i have my NFA and am fighting my FA Ex for custody of my 3 girls. You will get a fire in your belly and get through this. Keep your anger for the people who have done this too your family and use it as fuel. Hold your heads up high. You can both get through this as i and many others have. A quick note about bail, i answered bail probably 7 times in total i was re-interviewed once i didnt go in a cell i just sat in a perspex room usually used for talking with your solicitor while the OIC got the interview ready. I always entered the police station bang on time to within 5 minutes of the bail time so they had no excuse to put me in a cell, so dont turn up an hour early. All that happens is you go to the front desk say your name and your there to answer bail. you sit down again and wait for the OIC to come and take you through to custody to the desk. your solicitor is always with you and they either re-bail, rarely re-interview or NFA or charge. No cells at all. Apart from my re-interview i was in and out in 20 minutes. Sometimes there is a long wait for the OIC to come and get you as custody has to be clear of other people when they see anyone accused of sexual offences. Hope this helps I

[hello88]

When do police write a report???

Thank you IRB and Han ghree, bit of a rough 48 hours, (if you want to pass my parenting woes than feel free to go to next paragraph) 4yo fell down the stair yesterday morning (5 minuites before having to go to school) i honestly thought she had broken something,but she suprisingly only grazed her knee, took her to school and then came back and cried for about an hour thinking if ss find out, or this nasty neighbour are they not going to think its an accident, are they going to put my children in care, am i'm not going to even have my children home for christmas. Then i told myself to shut up and made a cuppa and thought a bit more realisticly!! Phoned the school at midday to which there reply is "i pressume she's o.k, she's currently running round the playground" phew... then Came down with a nasty cold (probably why i overacted with the stairs) then after school my 4yo was slowly and carefully (understandably) walking downstairs when my 6yo thought she was winding her up on purpose and she kicked my 4yo's back causing her to fall down the last few stairs, she immediatly was sent to her room (she has never ever done something like this before, was sooo shocking) were all i could hear was her crying for daddy - oh yeah and the whole time my 15mo has 4 teeth coming through at once and a cold - so today, 6yo gets upset going into school because "she wants to be home incase daddy comes home" and i sent her in and as i walked passed the classroom window she was standing at the window crying, then turn round and see the gf of the person who got the person to make the accusation smiling!!! Arghhhhhhh sooo i thought i'd make myself another cuppa (always needed in this kind of crisis) and then thought i'd do some christmas shopping online (or imaginary christmas shopping as havent acutally got any money yet) and there is two things my 4yo would like, and one of those is a book which is part of the series of books she's been reading and LOVES so, the chepeast i could find was.... £175(no not a typing error see http://www.amazon.co.uk/Double-Troub.../dp/0099495155 if you don't beleive me) so i then got in another sate thinking that she probably wont have daddy home for christmas, and now this daisy book she wants, and by the time my mum comes round i'm in tears saying "i can't buy the book, how could they charge so much for a book, i've ruined christmas for ____ " then realised what i sounded like, yes i truly have lost my mind!!!!

So if you read above, thank you, if not, i don't blame you.... but for those who could provide a bit of advice to a strange (but reason behind) question, is if they decide that on the bail date they are going to re bail would the police write a report or is it only if they've made the decision for NFA, CPS or Charge??

Thanks all and thanks in advance to those who answer (sorry if i take a little while to get back, somedays i don't want to think about whats going on,even though i still do.......)