Never thought this would happen

[TotalNightmare]

Hello all, I've been reading some other threads here.

I was arrested on Wednesday night just before I was going to bed after being accused of marital rape by my wife.

I had absolutely no warning this might occur. We have been married for 18 months, and during that time she has had issues with her sex drive. I was presented with two occurrences - one 8 months before we were even married, which was in her home country, where she claims I was drunk and forced myself upon her, but also admitted I did not obtain an erection. In this instance I did not continue once she told me to get off, and later we continued to make love as normal and got married 8 months later.

4 months after marriage she moved permanently to the UK. Our life was normal - this year alone we have been on 5 holidays abroad, and she has returned to her home country alone on 4 occasions, one point for an entire month. Every single time she has returned without issue. She used to be a lesbian when she was younger, and has only had one male partner prior to me since then. In June when she went home for a month, her original lesbian lover was staying at her mother's apartment at the same time. When she returned she said to me she was asexual and no longer wants sex at all. She continually said I could pursue other women, none of which I have acted on or met any.

She agreed to see a doctor who gave her some domestic abuse leaflets that she showed me, but she said he did not understand her. She was due to go to a meeting on the night of my arrest with a third party / therapist to discuss her libido and sexuality. Not only does she travel abroad frequently, but I also travel frequently for work. At least once every two weeks I am away from home for 2-4 days. I have chat logs between me and her mutual friends asking for relationship / sexual advice about this issue.

I was questioned under caution with a duty solicitor after 14 hours in a cell with no sleep or food, and told them this account. They have seized my phone, work laptop, PC, tablet PC and another old laptop. I was bailed with the condition of not contacting my wife. I returned to our shared apartment and she has taken everything and left.

I think she might have used this as a way of leaving the marriage without going through divorce proceedings. She is on a 2 year spouse visa, and if she brought up domestic abuse accusations, this would not infringe on her right to stay in the UK as it would if we separated.

Luckily I have supportive family so I bought a new phone and they drove 250 miles the next day to support me. I have returned to their house since I am in absolute horrific shock. They are also.

I was sick the week I was arrested so work assumes I am still on sick leave. I am going to call and say I have had a marital breakdown. My work laptop is seized and it is vital for me to continue my job. I do not want to bring these accusations to the attention of my employer because I am scared of the consequences and the stigma associated with being accused of such a crime. The laptop is encrypted and not accessible without passwords, I am willing to provide these to the police in order to possibly quicken the processing of it so I can continue my work.

In the meantime I have no idea what to do. All I have been doing is smoking cigarettes and barely sleeping or eating.

My main concern is my employment. Does anyone have any advice on how to approach them with this?

[Rights Fighter]

I think she might have used this as a way of leaving the marriage without going through divorce proceedings. She is on a 2 year spouse visa, and if she brought up domestic abuse accusations, this would not infringe on her right to stay in the UK as it would if we separated.

I think you are spot on. Also it's possible she is in a relationship with a woman and wants to be with her.

The current sexual offence allegations - these have been tagged on to the DV allegations to ensure she can stay here once you are divorced. It's possible she only married you to stay here and obviously now wants out.

Keep posting.

[TotalNightmare]

I think you are spot on. Also it's possible she is in a relationship with a woman and wants to be with her.

The current sexual offence allegations - these have been tagged on to the DV allegations to ensure she can stay here once you are divorced. It's possible she only married you to stay here and obviously now wants out.

Keep posting.

Thank you for the reply.

In the investigation the police did not ask me about the possibility of this. The duty solicitor did ask me and I said I was unsure, but now I have done more research I think she might have used it to get out while staying in the UK if we had separated she would be deported and would have to reapply for a work visa from her home country.

I also do not understand why someone would return to a husband accused of such a crime after having so many opportunities to leave - e.g. not returning from visits to her home country, running away while I am working away or simply not getting on a flight with me during the 5+ holidays abroad within the last year or so.

In her statement she has said she has tried multiple times to leave the relationship and that I have prevented her - I do not see how this can be possible?

She is also claiming her mother can support her accusations against my character. Her mother does not speak English, and has always disliked me. We talked about her mother moving to the UK on her retirement to look after our potential future children. I think she might latch onto the UK and attempt this in the future with me out of the picture.

This has the potential to ruin my entire life. I work in a job that requires CRB checks - this arrest will appear.

The only way out I can see for myself if it gets to that stage and once it is all over is to change careers and permanently move out of the UK and start everything from scratch.

[Rights Fighter]

Hold on in there. At the moment these are just allegations. The allegations might not show. That depends on the police.

[TotalNightmare]

Hold on in there. At the moment these are just allegations. The allegations might not show. That depends on the police.

Thanks. I called Chris in your signature, and he has had many cases with a similar sort of issue and calmed me down a lot by saying the contentious issues are most likely enough to prevent this escalating to the level of a conviction.

My first concern is trying to get my appetite back and eat something. I've had a few slices of toast and some lucozade in the last 3 days.

[jittery]

hi

Hello all, I've been reading some other threads here.

I was arrested on Wednesday night just before I was going to bed after being accused of marital rape by my wife.

I had absolutely no warning this might occur. We have been married for 18 months, and during that time she has had issues with her sex drive. I was presented with two occurrences - one 8 months before we were even married, which was in her home country, where she claims I was drunk and forced myself upon her, but also admitted I did not obtain an erection. In this instance I did not continue once she told me to get off, and later we continued to make love as normal and got married 8 months later.

4 months after marriage she moved permanently to the UK. Our life was normal - this year alone we have been on 5 holidays abroad, and she has returned to her home country alone on 4 occasions, one point for an entire month. Every single time she has returned without issue. She used to be a lesbian when she was younger, and has only had one male partner prior to me since then. In June when she went home for a month, her original lesbian lover was staying at her mother's apartment at the same time. When she returned she said to me she was asexual and no longer wants sex at all. She continually said I could pursue other women, none of which I have acted on or met any.

She agreed to see a doctor who gave her some domestic abuse leaflets that she showed me, but she said he did not understand her. She was due to go to a meeting on the night of my arrest with a third party / therapist to discuss her libido and sexuality. Not only does she travel abroad frequently, but I also travel frequently for work. At least once every two weeks I am away from home for 2-4 days. I have chat logs between me and her mutual friends asking for relationship / sexual advice about this issue.

I was questioned under caution with a duty solicitor after 14 hours in a cell with no sleep or food, and told them this account. They have seized my phone, work laptop, PC, tablet PC and another old laptop. I was bailed with the condition of not contacting my wife. I returned to our shared apartment and she has taken everything and left.

I think she might have used this as a way of leaving the marriage without going through divorce proceedings. She is on a 2 year spouse visa, and if she brought up domestic abuse accusations, this would not infringe on her right to stay in the UK as it would if we separated.

Luckily I have supportive family so I bought a new phone and they drove 250 miles the next day to support me. I have returned to their house since I am in absolute horrific shock. They are also.

I was sick the week I was arrested so work assumes I am still on sick leave. I am going to call and say I have had a marital breakdown. My work laptop is seized and it is vital for me to continue my job. I do not want to bring these accusations to the attention of my employer because I am scared of the consequences and the stigma associated with being accused of such a crime. The laptop is encrypted and not accessible without passwords, I am willing to provide these to the police in order to possibly quicken the processing of it so I can continue my work.

In the meantime I have no idea what to do. All I have been doing is smoking cigarettes and barely sleeping or eating.

My main concern is my employment. Does anyone have any advice on how to approach them with this?

I can tell you from my own experience that if you are not in a profession where you work with or come into contact with vulnerable people unsupervised then you are not obliged to tell your employer anything.

It is a difficult tightrope to walk. I don't like to have to tell you this, but the likelihood is that it will be months before you know what the outcome of these accusations will be.

I had to pack my usual work in for 2 months ( I would stress here that my case ended very quickly compared to others ) I had interviews for other jobs in the same line of work and told them the situation I was in, I was actually offered a job by one of these companies who were prepared to keep me away from vulnerable people on the grounds that they respected my honesty.

See how you feel in the long run. If you feel in a week or so that you can go back to work, then no harm done. If you feel that you will need a long absence then it may be worth taking the risk and making a clean breast of it, for myself, I found honesty to be the best policy. Good luck in the descision you take!

[TotalNightmare]

I can tell you from my own experience that if you are not in a profession where you work with or come into contact with vulnerable people unsupervised then you are not obliged to tell your employer anything.

It is a difficult tightrope to walk. I don't like to have to tell you this, but the likelihood is that it will be months before you know what the outcome of these accusations will be.

I had to pack my usual work in for 2 months ( I would stress here that my case ended very quickly compared to others ) I had interviews for other jobs in the same line of work and told them the situation I was in, I was actually offered a job by one of these companies who were prepared to keep me away from vulnerable people on the grounds that they respected my honesty.

See how you feel in the long run. If you feel in a week or so that you can go back to work, then no harm done. If you feel that you will need a long absence then it may be worth taking the risk and making a clean breast of it, for myself, I found honesty to be the best policy. Good luck in the descision you take!

Luckily I do not work with vulnerable people. I think I am going to stay with my family this week, then explain next week to work what accusations I have had and how they are not true, as well as not being charged for anything. Hopefully once back at work I can get my head down and distract myself until this progresses.

I have a lot of financial responsibilities so that is another nightmare I am going to have to sort out, hence why I am so concerned about my employment. Note, I have zero previous convictions and have never once been arrested or in trouble with the police.

[AmandaF]

Welcome to the forum although it'a sad day when people find us.

I have no legal experience but just wanted to say I do work with vulnerable adults and once charged I told my employers immediately as this is also a requirement under Nursing and Midwifery Council code of conduct.
I was never suspended as they carried out their own investigations regarding my fitness to practice.

Fortunately I have an excellent professional record which stood me in very good stead. I even changed jobs whilst on bail but again was completely honest with my future employer.

I would suggest , if you were CHARGED, to consider being honest with your employers as there is always a possibility someone else may get there first.

All that said, after acquittal the DBS decided to leave the charges on file for 5 years.

Hope all goes well for you

[jittery]

hi

Luckily I do not work with vulnerable people. I think I am going to stay with my family this week, then explain next week to work what accusations I have had and how they are not true, as well as not being charged for anything. Hopefully once back at work I can get my head down and distract myself until this progresses.

I have a lot of financial responsibilities so that is another nightmare I am going to have to sort out, hence why I am so concerned about my employment. Note, I have zero previous convictions and have never once been arrested or in trouble with the police.

Good man, honesty is the best policy, it's hard, but I found it worth it.

[TotalNightmare]

Good man, honesty is the best policy, it's hard, but I found it worth it.

I called work and explained about my marriage breakdown. They were sympathetic and understood my pain.

On top of this, the police contacted me saying they will be returning all my laptops and computers, including my work laptop and they should be ready to pick up on Monday. They are however keeping my mobile phone.

If they are returning all of my stuff so quickly, do you guys think this is about to be dropped?

I want this nightmare to be over, file divorce proceedings and then get on with my life.

[marynarz]

Agree

Welcome to the forum although it'a sad day when people find us.

I have no legal experience but just wanted to say I do work with vulnerable adults and once charged I told my employers immediately as this is also a requirement under Nursing and Midwifery Council code of conduct.
I was never suspended as they carried out their own investigations regarding my fitness to practice.

Fortunately I have an excellent professional record which stood me in very good stead. I even changed jobs whilst on bail but again was completely honest with my future employer.

I would suggest , if you were CHARGED, to consider being honest with your employers as there is always a possibility someone else may get there first.

All that said, after acquittal the DBS decided to leave the charges on file for 5 years.

Hope all goes well for you

Im not working with vulnerable adults etc,but when I got employed by my employer, I have told him what is going on. You know what?
Im still with the same employer and im happy with it.
Its up to you if you tell him or not, but sometimes they can help you if you are honest and they belief in you.

[marynarz]

Again phone:-(
This is normal :-(

[TotalNightmare]

Again phone:-(

If you read my and not only my posts in here, you will realize how important is PHONE
What is the make of the phone?

I think they have kept it because my wife has claimed I have texted her abusive messages, so they will probably be checking it thoroughly. I am not worried about this at all because I know for a fact I have not. I have just written up my timeline of events and there are so many holes in her story.

I am starting to calm down a lot now that I know work is going to be ok for now. Still taking the rest of the week off. The initial shock of the event is probably the most stressful time of my entire life so far.

[TotalNightmare]

Hold on in there. At the moment these are just allegations. The allegations might not show. That depends on the police.

Quick question Rights Fighter.

Today I have knuckled down a lot and started to plot down specific dates for a timeline, as well as collect a mountain of evidence to substantiate our relationship as I laid out in my interview.

The police requested me to send screenshots of a conversation I had with a mutual friend of myself and my wife which backs up exactly my story surrounding her issues with her sexuality and sex drive.

Question - is it wise to send this pre-charge and on bail? It confirms exactly my account and acts to bolster my testimony, but I hear a lot from reading this site that you should be wary of giving police extra ammo. On talking to a solicitor they said it would be probably wise to send in stuff which could further help in avoid being charged since her story is so sketchy anyway and from is supported by zero evidence.

I just want to do the right thing before jumping in with a mountain of evidence.

[Rights Fighter]

I can't see how providing the police with that evidence could damage your case. How could she wriggle out of that if confronted with it? That's the question you need to ask yourself.

Marynaz - fab to see you back!