"IN Denial"

[AmandaF]

I'd just like to ask others who are or are in a relationship with falsely accused/ convicted people how they cope with the frustration of being told we are all in denial when in fact we are 100 % certain that WE are the victims of our accusers. . At the outset I was told by child protection officers, SS, and anybody else with some kind of authority that I was "in denial" of my partner's offences and as such have been treated like a mindless (female) idiot. My partner has now been convicted and faces a tougher sentence as he is "in denial" and refuses to admit guilt. I feel as though it all just adds more distress to an already appalling situation. How does anyone deal with it??

[tinkerbell]

Hi

I understand where you ar coming from I have been forced to live apart from my partner or faced losing my children to my ex. SS believed that they would be better to be moved over 100 miles aways rather than stay with me and my new new partner who has been accused and faces trial of abuse. I still see my partner at weekends but have been told that no matter what happens at trial we will never to allowed to live as a family. Its not fair. Like you I am not stupid I am not in denial and I will not say that my partner is guilty which SS also wanted me to admit to.

Take care

[AmandaF]

My partner and I have brought my grandson up since he was 2. He's now 11 and a remarkable child, especially considering the upheavals he has been through in his short life. When the allegations were made against my partner , my grandson was hauled off for a GIT interview. I was not allowed to be there, although my partner's accusers had their parent present. Anyway, the SS came to see me and said that most likely my grandson had not made any allegations against my partner as he was "covering up". The principle they seem to use that children never lie did not extend to my grandson who apparently is also "in denial". I talked at length to him about the allegations, which were made by his friends, clearly saying that he must be honest and truthful and if he had any reason to suspect the man he has known as "dad" for 9 years he had to speak up. Eventually he looked at me and said "My dad's not capable of any of this. That's all I have to say". I didn't ask again.

[Rights Fighter]

Courtesy of our SS expert on t'other forum

Version 1 - When you know the accuser well, e.g. a family member:

I will never know whether the alleged abuse happened or not as only the two people involved know for sure. However, as I know both of the people very well I have looked at their characters and thought carefully about the allegations and on the whole I believe my partner/husband. However, I am keeping an open mind about this and if anybody can show me some evidence, or if the situation changes, I will reconsider my position. My number one priority is the children.


Version 2 - When you don't know the accuser well:

I will never know whether the alleged abuse happened or not as only the two people involved know for sure. However, in the absence of any firm evidence, knowing my husband./partner as well as I do and having thought carefully about the allegations, on the whole I believe my partner/husband. However, I am keeping an open mind about this and if anybody can show me some evidence, or if the situation changes, I will reconsider my position. My number one priority is the children.

The above is common sense. People are often taken in by sex offenders. They say that love is blind. However, we also know that false allegations happen all too often so you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I know some ladies who undertook SS Risk Assessments and/or who went on one of their "spot a paedophile at 20 paces" type of course. I have to say they some of them agreed that it really was an education and made them think - not about their partner's innocence but how easy it is to deceive vulnerable people.

One lady also allowed her two very young daughters and her teenage son to go on the course - despite many misgivings (it was an either or situation - either you and they do the courses or they go on the at risk register). However they all benefited from it. Her partner had his convictions quashed at appeal in November 2008 - that was my first one.

[AmandaF]

Typical "get out" clause attitude. In this post- Saville era no-one is prepared to accept that an accused person just might be innocent. The only ones who maintained consistent stories were my partner, myself and my grandson. As co-accused (though not of similar offences) I had to sit there and listen to these boys say in court that I had sat downstairs and done nothing while my partner took them upstairs and abused them. I was absolutely heartbroken. These were kids that were at my house on a daily basis, rarely when my partner was there without me, kids who had come with us on family outings, my grandson's best friends. As a registered nurse working with very vulnerable adults I am well aware of safeguarding issues. Our house was a renovation project and was very open, with no doors on any room. When asked to describe the room where the alleged abuse had taken place, they couldn't. I am so angry and bitter.

[Rights Fighter]

I am not at all surprised you are angry and bitter. However, they hold the cards so you need to play their "game". Try using the info/advice above and see how that goes.

[AmandaF]

I wish to god we had found his forum before we ever went to trial. But as I said previously, we went along with everything we were told without question as we just had no experience of the legal system and put our whole trust in the defence lawyer. With hindsight I just don't think he had the experience to deal with such a complex case. So many issues were never presented at court so now we just have to carry on. Tbh I did actually take that response above with the police and social workers as I did not just blindly believe his innocence without question. However it was at the trial that I became totally convinced that no crime had ever been committed, especially as they lied about me both to the police and under oath.

[Rights Fighter]

I am not doubting you for a minute. However, when it comes to SS you have to prove that the children come first (I am sure they do in your case - this is general advice) and sometimes that means bending over backwards to prove it without actually protesting your partner's innocence.

The "mantras" above are good, they would show that the children come first, they show that if evidence comes to light that would make you doubt his innocence, you would be prepared to review your position.

They hold the cards. Complaining about that won't help - you might have to "work with" them.

[AmandaF]

We were heavily involved with SS anyway as my grandson is classed as a "looked after " child and as such is under the auspices of the Children's Panel, again something peculiar to Scot's law. It's not too long ago that we were asked to consider becoming foster carers as we were doing such a sterling job. After my partner was charged, we changed case worker and I have to say he was quite unpleasant, offering us no support, only condemnation. He made sarcastic comments such as "You can't help who you fall in love with" and told me that if I dared to leave the country with my daughter and 3 kids he would make sure we were challenged at the airport by armed police. Nice huh? All for a weekend in Warsaw.

However I think my choice to stay with my boy rather than hand him back to his mum so I could stay with my partner whilst on bail shows that I have his best interests at heart and he is my main concern.The most important issue here, and my partner wholeheartedly agreed ,was maintaining stability for him . He gets very very upset about the situation and is struggling to understand .

I am aware I am sounding off!! I am off to a meeting with Innocent.org this evening so I will report back if there's useful information