struggling to cope with my daughters rape allegations

[lostfamily]

5 weeks ago I was arrested and bailed for the rape allegations of my 13yr old daughter...
she alleged it started back late last year2013. the truth is she started acting inappropiatley back in September last year. I would tell my wife but she would reply its only you. shes just a teenager going threw a phase. she wants her dads love.. but then my daughter started saying openly that I was going in her room at night. again my wife would say she was just over reacting..
however various things started to happen and the more I tried to talk to people the more I got shot down
she would come into the bathroom when I was bathing and start talking. I asked her to leave but she wouldn't. on holiday one evening when the wife took 2 off my younger children to the club I stayed back with our baby and the eldest daughter who said you can touch me like you do when im sleeping.. I told her stop being stupid I don't do that. she got angry I went in her room.. shortly after she came back out with no clothes on and said come on.. I was shocked told her to get dressed picked the baby up and went down to the club with the eldest daughter to fetch her mum.. on the way down she said if I tell mum she will tell her it was me.. I didn't know what todo... the rest of the holiday I tried to keep my distants but just caused an argument with the wife
after that when we got home she tried to get into bed with me I sat and talked to her about her confusion.. she explained she thought it was the only way she could see me as she hated me as a dad because I was always punishing.. because basically me and my wife had numerous problems with her with school with friends and with the internet..
things seem to be ok for a while the occasional your ruining my life you don't respect me attitude but it seemed she realised it was wrong... until she wanted a new phone then she started again accusations blackmailing. and it was around july time this year that things got really bad.. in the last year I havnt slept properly I don't have friends I started drinking again. all because my daughter wouldn't stop and I was so afraid of loosing my wife and children I couldn't turn to anyone.. now she made these false allegations im out the way like she wanted she got a new phone fredoom to come and go as she pleases.. this is a girl who didn't care who she hurt as long as she got what she wanted.. the only reason my wife would accuse me of not being a proper father is because my eldest daughter isn't mine. but I never looked at her anyother way than being my daughter I brought her up from the age of 18months.. right now im in a homeless hostel ive not seen my 3 other children in 5weeks im bailed til mid January im under the crisis team have mental health help due to my adhd and the ony 2 reasons ive not killed myself yet is my innocents and 3 beautiful kids I want to see...
I do understand how the system works or what will happen to me but I cant keep going on like this im dying inside. lost 2stone in 5weeks sleep about 3hrs anight when I lie down I keep living the same nightmare over and over every night

[inhell]

Hi mate sorry to hear what you're going through I'm in a v similar situation with my ex step daughter. I lost 3stone in weight but ive gradually put some back on. I been bailed 9 times and awaiting a decision early jan. Yeah its hell and yeah I thought many times of killing myself but is anyone lying b worth that. nope.today's hard but we have to remain strong what right does that person have to ruin someones life.im in councilling since I was accused 9 months ago it sort helps cos I feel better talking about it.meds probably help I guess without them id be in bits. I'm not ashamed to admit ive cried we will get through this don't give up.

[thisisinsane]

Hi lf
Sadly your story sounds all too familiar, the scheme if dsughters getting revenge or blackmailing seems to be a common reason for these kind of accusations. Also the fact that she has told your wife before then a period of silence and suddenly their next move, all happened to other members. As inhell suggested id say go talk to your gp many of the members have found them to be very helpful.
And as your name suggests you think You lost your family whih not the case yet. Every father has these thoughts in the beginning but ask around many of them at least managed to get agrerments with social services to see the kids in supervised meetings. I suppose ss are involved? Can you describe to what extent exactly?

[Rights Fighter]

I am wondering whether a girl in her class is being abused by her father or father figure and has told her about it. She could have decided to experoment for herself.

Sex education is now being taught to primary school children and hey presto we now read in the news about an upsurge of children as young as 10, 11 and 12 who are "sexually abusing" younger children. I think they are just trying out what they are being taught at much too young an age.

[whatsgoingon?]

Or could it be that one of her friends has become sexually active (or has pretended to be) and she's trying out her seductive charms on the safest person she knows? It would be interesting to find out (not sure how) if she's shown promiscuious behaviour at school eg towards a male teacher or older boys.

Another possibility is that she was trying to find a 'special' place for herself in your life, competing with your wife and differenciating herself from the other children. A psychological report could be quite revealing but I'm not sure that you or your defence team can ask for one .

I hope you've got a really good lawyer .If not, have a look on the specialist solicitor's thread.

Forget suicide, you need to go through this and come out of this kicking for your own sake and your children.

[123zyx]

Forget suicide, you need to go through this and come out of this kicking for your own sake and your children.

Yes. Forget it. As someone helpful said to me, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things may well turn out less badly than you think and no matter how bad you feel now things may change.

[lostfamily]

Thanks

thank you all for your comments and advice..
social services are phoning me Monday to let me know what they intend todo.. this is the second stage. the first time was one level of social services who informed me my wife was happy for me to see the children. bail states under strict supervision. when I recommended my sister. the social worker informed me that the police refused this.. 4weeks on I was informed she had done her report and had sent risk assessment to the local area social worker. spoke to them they informed me they need to speak again with police wife and children as my wife may have changed her mind hence the phone call on the 5th of January..
as for my daught being sexual active found numerous sex chats on her ohone with her friends asking if she done (lets just say active things) which my daughter had replied "OMG HOW DID YOU KNOW" she always tried acting older. had some many issues over staying out late lies disruption. i not your normal guy struggling to cope generally coping with ADHD leaving work after 10yr in march due to the stress and being the dad and mum as my wife kind of goes into herself struggling to cope because of the last few years aruing with the eldest and trying to sort out our baby girl who is special needs.. i did the shopping cooking looked after the other 3 as they was all their dad.. when we moved in july redecorated the house wooden flooring in every room new gates fence fitted a kitchen.. i don't have a social life or friends as my family was everything i ever wanted.. the thing i hate the most is my wife is the only woman i truly love and the 3 other kids are my world.. but what seems to come to me is my wife will never want me again my kids will never get the full love of a real full time dad... just because of 1 girl.. who since ive been removed has got all the attention she wants friends new phone ive heard she still using the internet late at night.. yes her friends have said to her they don't have a dad as they don't need them as mum gets them everything
what can i do.. knowing i can never have the one thing i love and lived for MY FAMILY

[lostfamily]

Hi mate sorry to hear what you're going through I'm in a v similar situation with my ex step daughter. I lost 3stone in weight but ive gradually put some back on. I been bailed 9 times and awaiting a decision early jan. Yeah its hell and yeah I thought many times of killing myself but is anyone lying b worth that. nope.today's hard but we have to remain strong what right does that person have to ruin someones life.im in councilling since I was accused 9 months ago it sort helps cos I feel better talking about it.meds probably help I guess without them id be in bits. I'm not ashamed to admit ive cried we will get through this don't give up.

9 MONTHS wow how do you get threw why do they keep bailing you... yes a grown man can cry i do it at the simpliest of things.. im with crisis team who helping me threw it a bit.. also trying to cope with adhd and hoping to get help there to.. my gp useless

[lostfamily]

Hi lf
Sadly your story sounds all too familiar, the scheme if dsughters getting revenge or blackmailing seems to be a common reason for these kind of accusations. Also the fact that she has told your wife before then a period of silence and suddenly their next move, all happened to other members. As inhell suggested id say go talk to your gp many of the members have found them to be very helpful.
And as your name suggests you think You lost your family whih not the case yet. Every father has these thoughts in the beginning but ask around many of them at least managed to get agrerments with social services to see the kids in supervised meetings. I suppose ss are involved? Can you describe to what extent exactly?

4weeks ago they started visiting the children then around 3weeks ago they agreed i could see them but canceled as i could only see them under strict supervision due to bail conditions they then recently told me they have passed the case to local area social worker who i then phoned and she explained she had to speak to the police my wife and the children as she was doing a risk assessment. she said she will phone me on the 5th of jan to let me know how things would be going... im struggling to be honest as the 2nd eldest daughter isn't very close to her mum and is all me and the old social worker commented on that "we need to get this done quickly for the 2nd daughters benefit" which concerns me why she would say that

[inhell]

Hi when I was first accused I fell to b pieces I was a wreck and I could see the impact it was having on family.it surprising how strong a person can be when they have no choice.i have bipolar and believe me I get v down but after 9 months im still holding onto my job go every day.i don't know why they keep bailing me probably cos there trying to fit a corrupt story around me to fit my evidence that could help me. don't tell them anything keep any info safely hidden where plods can't find it. don't trust them there not your friends they don't care how u feel or your family they are not the police we once knew. and no im not being paranoid that's the truth . continue with councilling I wish u all the best.

[WhyUs]

Hi lf. Sorry that you find yourself here. Like others have said your situation is all too familar and similar to ours although ours goes back nearly 20 years

Unfortuantly you could find yourself rebailed several times before they reach a decision. My husband was bailed 6 times over 9 months and then the police decided to give us the Xmas present we didn't want... So instead of looking forward to a new year of fun and excitement we find ourselves facing one of hope and fear. not sure how we got through each new bail except just tried to be normal and worry about the next date a few days before. Now we have said that each court hearing will be a step closer to him clearing his name although sometimes it's hard to get our head around that it could come down to 12 men / women who don't know us.

I wish you all the best and hope you get to see your children soon

[lostfamily]

thankyou whyus for your comments and support
unfortunately I don't have the support of my wife. only just today I found she starting to believe our daughter and has also change her status to from married to separated to interested in men
guess its the blow I need to realise she lost faith in me.. also telling her friends to watch out as im allegedly trying to contact her friends which I havnt done as it would be a breach of bail...
im so lost not knowing where this will end up so afraid that some where along the way my daughter has persuaded her im guilty.. so afraid that she will stop me seeing the other 3... to be honest now the only thing I want is to hold my other 3 children and tell them how much I love them..
im trying everyday to hold on but the grip is starting to slip.. being alone in this isn't easy and fear of losing control..
im hoping theres some thing gonna happen to make this easier some thing to come up and give me hope.
away from the kids at Christmas. a wife only after 6weeks as lost faith stuck in a hostel with no one to talk to.. ive kept myself to myself all these years so I can be a fulltime husband and dad just to be left in a world I don't understand

[lostfamily]

I am wondering whether a girl in her class is being abused by her father or father figure and has told her about it. She could have decided to experoment for herself.

Sex education is now being taught to primary school children and hey presto we now read in the news about an upsurge of children as young as 10, 11 and 12 who are "sexually abusing" younger children. I think they are just trying out what they are being taught at much too young an age.

strangely enough once my daughter learnt sex education this is where she became more openly about it.. comments like me and her mum are to old to take part in such actions.. or its degusting we do it. plus from this point she was more curious over the subject. however she is a follower not a leader or stand alone and does what she can to be in a group various problems with school was always the give away when we was told she didn't start the problem but was in athe group that did. also she do as her friends would tell her and come back with comments like I don't need a dad my mates don't have one or you cant tell me what to do I own you your here to feed cloth me

[lostfamily]

Hi mate sorry to hear what you're going through I'm in a v similar situation with my ex step daughter. I lost 3stone in weight but ive gradually put some back on. I been bailed 9 times and awaiting a decision early jan. Yeah its hell and yeah I thought many times of killing myself but is anyone lying b worth that. nope.today's hard but we have to remain strong what right does that person have to ruin someones life.im in councilling since I was accused 9 months ago it sort helps cos I feel better talking about it.meds probably help I guess without them id be in bits. I'm not ashamed to admit ive cried we will get through this don't give up.

hi inhell sorry to hear you to are goinf threw this also.. you must be strong to carry on.. every day I want to end but keep looking at the picture of my family to remind me that 3 people on that picture still love me... just recently ive found my wife is calling me EX and is looking for new relationship already after only 6weeks,, I fear my eldest daughter has poisoned her into believing it to be true but also wonder how someone could give up after 11yrs of relationship which 7yrs we where married

[123zyx]

every day I want to end but keep looking at the picture of my family to remind me that 3 people on that picture still love me...

Stay strong. Remember that people in that picture love you as much as you love them and want you to still be here.