Is there anything I could/should be doing ?

[Rights Fighter]

She sounds like a complete fantasist. All I can advise is that you keep all the evidence safe and maybe a copy of it with a trusted friend/family member. I know that from some cases the police have 'lost' evidence helpful to the defence and in one case, actually said that he had never handed the evidence over - and there were no copies......

[icantevensaytheword]

evidence

As my FA was accusing me of being jealous and controlling, which is what the oic said in interview, most of my evidence is to the reasons why I would be jealous but not controlling.

I realise there is a very fine line between these.

I told the police I was jealous and worried about her rekindled relationship with her sister. Her sister had been a thorn in her side most of her life. My FA had to get a court order on her to stay away. She let her back in her life early on in our relationship, of course by then I already had a very negative opinion of her. She had smothered a child which my FA had to testify in court and told me she lied about things in her witness statement.....her sister had said to one of my FA friends she had slept with her husband and had not. My FA's sisters daughter had someone put away for assault when the event did not take place. She had moved home many times because of fights and rows with neighbours. There were men coming and going to her house at all hours. My FA's 15 year old son did not understand why she was back in touch, neither her daughter or her 2 best friends. This is just a snippet of the type of person she was. I never told her not to go there but made it clear I was worried about it.

She also started chatting on line to one of her ex husbands, who she had got a court order to stay away !!!
She told me that he had told 2 of his subsequent girlfriends that he still loved her !!! I saw texts which were about how they used to have sex etc..... sick.

Also another male friend who she said she knew for about 3 years suddenly came into the picture. I had not met this guy and only heard his name mentioned a few times and the odd text message. This became more and more and even to the point she would answer a call and go upstairs and talk on the bed with him. I remember one night she asked him for a price to do work and I heard him say £700 and a blowjob !!!! Is it just me ?

Then there was her friend who early in our relationship had tried to split us up by saying one of her longest friends ( who was my ex ) had told her I was still texting her. This was untrue. My FA met her in a local pub to hear it from the horses mouth and she said I had not contacted her since we split up. Her friend came in the bar and did not even recognise this long standing friend.

I had never asked my FA to stop seeing these people but I admit I did tell her why I did not like it.

One night when I came home from work she said " I have done what you want and cut ties with A, B and C " I was like WTF !!! I told her to contact them as it was not what I wanted. She said " no you contact them " I agreed but before I had the chance she said it was a test they had all made up to see if I would contact them. Even though I was going to do it but knew it was a load of ****, she still wanted me to make the calls !!!!

She accused me and told people, even to the point of me going to GP, that I had split personality disorder. This was based on the fact I can be one person around my kids, one person at work and someone else with her. I have suffered anxiety and panic attacks in the past and sometimes mild depression. However I only see my 2 young children once every 2 weeks so anything going on in my life will never be transmitted to them. Also my job at the time involved dealing with over 100 telephone calls per day to customers, so I would again always make sure whatever was going on in my life could not be picked up on.

Again I am rambling on but it good to get this stuff of your chest......... thanks for help and support

[tigertiger]

Oh dear another borderline strikes again... You're not the first and wont be the last.

As soon as I read your post it echoed a lot of the chaos my FA ex's life. The first thing I thought was classic borderline before you mentioned it.

I only found out a lot about borderline personality disorder once I began counselling after being accused. My counsellor said she was pretty sure I had been dealing with a very damaged unstable borderline, and that came backed up with her family also being the same / more unstable. My ex too had a horrific past and a horrific family which she was still involved with. They all thrive in a world of misery, drama, lies and accusation its all part of the condition. You will find most BPD storys eerily echo they same things, they all sing from the same hymn sheet and the relationships all end in a car crash hence you have ended up here. There is a huge chance of being accused for all sorts of crimes when involved with a borderline.

In regards to your case do this help you? NO... Why? Because borderlines can be raped as well as healthy individuals. If shes a diagnosed borderline then possibly further along to trial the CPS maybe less likely to pursue this if she has documented history of being extremely unstable. If she's not diagnosed then you trying to self diagnose her and tell all involved is also not going to be helpful. Along side that sometimes an individual with problems can be seen as more vulnerable which is even less helpful for your defence.

Cue the controlling accusation, I too was painted with that with nothing to back it up. I'm about the most laid back person in the world. This is just another fantasy they believe in their head.


Are you in counselling now?
Not only to deal with the false accusation, but to heal yourself after being involved with an individual like this is extremely damaging. They are toxic to the core. and its going to take some time to heal and remove all their toxic sludge they have coated you in. I can see you are ruminating all the chaos you lived with. That's just it life with a borderline is chaos there’s nothing logical. Unless they are in commited lifelong therapy there is nothing you can do to help them. Give them your all and you will be made out to be a controlling monster. You will be called all the things they are and make you believe it. Your relationship if over now.

Don’t try to figure out why she acted the way she did not as there is no logic in mental illness. You are just going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the answers when there is non.

My advice is formulate your defence, try out counselling if not already to get all this off your chest. Stop ruminating over all the things she did which there will be endless things. The BPD website you gave has a great support forum for individuals who have been involved with a BPD if you also want to discuss specific BPD related issues.

Lastly have a read through the articles from this counsellor for specialises in BPD. I found these VERY helpful in getting back on track.

http://www.sharischreiber.com/articles.html

[Rights Fighter]

What a fantastic post TigerTiger!! Great advice!

[icantevensaytheword]

Your right RH.... great post TigerTiger

WOW

Thanks for taking the time to read my posts and reply in the way you have.
I have looked at the link you posted and it has been a real eye opener.

90% of the traits described I have been witness too with my FA.

Telling me to leave then calling me the next day to say she cant live without me, arguments then making up sex, she is in the care profession, I see her and her new mans posts on facebook and can see and hear what she is saying to him. There's so many. However I do not completely match the typical man to fall for someone with BPD. I had a great childhood but do have underlying depression and anxiety traits and self confidence issues.

She has told me in the past I was like heroin, she knew I was bad for her but needed me as her fix.( bah ?! ) She also said she keeps falling in love with me all over again when we been apart for a few days.
Whenever we argued most of the time she would accept what I was saying and feeling ( eventually ) only to come back the next day and start the same argument again but with a new perspective which meant she was right. I know of the last five men she had in her life have all but one overlapped or been a really short amount of time between.

I have a screen shot of an email she sent to one future husband which is virtually word for word like the one she sent me......saying she hated herself coz she was getting fat, that she felt I didn't talk to her like I did or look at her like I did. This was a time she had actually lost a load of weight !!!!

As for counselling ...... just realising this is her and not me has took me a long time to get my head around and I still got a long way to go. Was beating myself up for weeks thinking why why why instead of OMG.

There are so many more examples ( which I probably will post )

I feel like posting a link on her new mans facebook and let him read about BPD....but I guess he already hooked and feels like he is her saviour and she can tell him anything etc etc....... time will tell with that one.

Thanks again all

[Rights Fighter]

I have been reading a lot about this recently and can not believe how it mirrors the relationship I had with my FA

Does anyone know of any cases where this has been used ?

Please see link below
http://bpdfamily.com/content/how-bor...onship-evolves

.................................................. ...............

That description fits my ex. Men can be and some ARE that way too of course, it's not just women.

They inveigle their way into your home, your bank account, your friends and family (if you have one) then they isolate you from them by trying to make you feel guilty that you have other people in your life.......

They then imagine that their worst fears (that you will leave them) are already happening, and before too long - it does. That's when the harassment and stalking begins.....

My ex imagined that when I joined a women only group (to get away from him for one evening a month) I would go to the pub with them (never happened) and then I would meet a man, and get married. By the time I got home from an evening away from him, this had already happened, in his tiny mind.

[icantevensaytheword]

lies and more lies

Just been chatting with my Mam

We were talking about a conversation my FA had with my ex wife. My FA had texted and chatted on the phone to her a couple of times. My FA had told my ex that I never loved her for a long time before I left and that my son was only conceived ( from my perspective ) to try and save the marriage. SICK
This would wind anyone up never mind a scorned woman. ( and was a lie )

She went on to say that I was very jealous and controlling, my FA told me that my ex said I was like that with her.......I was like WTF No Way.

My ex wife rang my mother and told her what my FA had said I was very jealous and controlling and went on to say she had told my FA "oh he was never like that with me"

My ex wife as far as I am aware knows nothing about these accusations, however the OIC rang me last Sunday to get her phone number. I told the OIC that she was unaware of the accusations and I certainty did not want her to find out. The OIC said she had to speak to her due to the fact I had mentioned the texts and calls in my interview.

My ex would have been on the phone straight away so I wonder if she has rang her yet, but obviously I don't want to ask if the Police have spoke to her yet because she will keep asking why....and also she might tell the Police I said they may call and give them the impression I have coaxed her into saying or not saying something.......so just relying on the fact she will tell truth and not play the woman scorned card.

I left my ex wife for no other reason than we had grew apart and I did not love her or see a positive future for us and our 2 children in me staying there being unhappy ( this was a very hard thing to do after 12 years of marriage )

Oh does anyone know what happened to evian1976 ? been reading his posts. ????

[icantevensaytheword]

Struggling

I have felt I am struggling with everything recently...

Due to my FA, as I have said I have relocated and out of work.
I am finding almost impossible to concentrate on anything. I have my Mother keeping it together for me but she is a pensioner and I can see the effect it is having. Also she is going abroad next week and I know she not going to relax.

I have a few questions if anyone can help please.

1. Should my GP be first point of call as I feel I need counselling due to the FA and the way it came out of the blue. Also relocating and no work and cant keep my mind busy on one thing etc etc...... Could this be a bad thing for me if I get charged ? I have in the past used antidepressants and suffered panic attacks and anxiety ( all point to depression according to docs ? ) Also due to the fact my FA tried to get me stamped with Split Personality Disorder.

2. I am writing things down about our relationship and what happened that night and reasons why she would make this up. Could / should I be looking at any other issues...... I have mentioned her past and possible Borderline Personality Disorder. ( which she ticks so many boxes ) could this be part of my defence if the worst happened ? How could I use it ?

3. How safe am I on this site ? I would have it at a guess that " rape experts / police / cps etc " monitor these sites ? Could there be any implications if the worst happened and it went to a trial.......or they could use stuff I have already said to push for a charge ?

4. Although I obviously told the truth in my first interview, I had just been arrested at work and put in a cell the day after I found out my future wife had been cheating on me. Headshot and rabbit in the headlights don't cover it......could I have said more ? could I add to it with things which could help ?

Just feel a bit lost at the moment and any ideas would be appreciated.

Thank you

[o my god]

Anything you think you have that can help you now keep it to urself and ur sol, to be honest the cps,cops will not want anything that could go against her.
You haven't been charged yet have you? When is your next bail date?

[icantevensaytheword]

bail date

My bail date is 13th October.......280 miles away

Just a bit concerned if I get interviewed again that I may say more than I did in initial interview....... ......." something you later rely on....." and anything I do say would obviously go back to my FA so she could try and dismiss it / bend it to suit ? !

As far as sol is concerned.... I have had no contact with a sol at present.....not since duty sol sent letter confirming the police interview........have emailed them but just to change contact details

[o my god]

Well you could ask your sol to ring the officer a few days before to see if u need to attend a rebail isn't out of the question and considering the distance I would hope they would let you know wots going to happen,
As to things that you didn't say in ur interview if you get charged you will get the chance to do a defence statement.
As for her mantel health there is nothing that you can do unless it comes up in her medical records.
Have you moved back to were your mum lives?

[icantevensaytheword]

Yes I have totally relocated and living with my mam.

I would be amazed if her medical / mental history is not brought into it. She will be milking the victim scenario as she did when we were together due to her chaotic life and past.

However she has moved on very quick with a new relationship. ( overlapped ours ) This has been a normal thing for her. So I am getting screen shots etc to back this up......... so if she says she suffering PTSD or similar I would have thought a new relationship would be the last thing on her mind not to mention she says she was raped ???? Obviously I am no Doctor and don't pretend to understand what would be the normal ( if there is such a thing ) reaction by a real victim.

Just so much going on in my head it hard to turn off but I cant seem to get to any conclusions with anything either.

[o my god]

Has she ever been to the docs about it do they have it on record, did you mention about her health in your interview if you did then they should look into it.
Have you made any new friends were you have moved to?
If not join some clubs or do actives that you like, this will also help and take some of the strain off your mum to see you out getting on with things.

[icantevensaytheword]

She did go to the doctors about her being depressed. I was with her at her request. She told the doctor she was depressed and her drinking had increased. She never told the doctor we would share a spliff on a night time ( my FA would smoke this in the day occasionally too )

She said her depression was due to her past, worrying about her children, work, money, menopause and her weight.

The doctor asked me what I thought..... I told the doctor she was working 3 night shifts per week but not going to bed the next day. She was also not eating correctly. I used to text her during the day to make sure she had eating. I also told the doctor I thought most of her issues were from her childhood and past catching up with her.

The doctor arranged for Womens Refuge to get in touch as they had very good counsellors.

I don't know if this has happened. My ex ( FA ) actually collapsed in the home one afternoon, thankfully I was there.....she had not been eating, sleeping, working, drinking, had a spliff and was talking to a bankruptancy company....... Ambulance was called and she was taken to hospital.

This collapse was blamed on me being controlling and jealous by the oic, so I guess I would have told them the real reasons for the collapse.........

All my old friends are working away or have families so I feel I would be imposing. I do have a close friend who comes once every two weeks for a few hours and a good chat......which is awesome as I forget whats going on and actually smile and laugh.

Luckily my Mam is going abroad for a week on Monday.....just hope she can turn off and enjoy the break, but she keep saying "are you sure you ok ? " so I guess she picking up on the fact I am not

Don't know where I would be now if I did not have her

[o my god]

U really need to take your mind off it, I know its hard. Amy hobbies u have would help and like I say this would really take some pressure off you mum(bless her).
Police are not ur friends and if a war broke out it would be ur fault, they will try and blame you for anything they are only there to prove you did it (when u haven't).
It seems to me that all the fxxk ups they have made like Jimmy s and Rotherham and now being put on every one else.
Were about in the country r u ( u can pm that see if u are anywhere near me)