Please Help me and my Boy - 17

[SoWorried]

Hi I'm New
I never thought I would be writting anything like this, I'm sat at work not able to work and feel dreadful............
Not sure where to start as this is all so bloody confusing

Got a call on 3/7/14 from my sons school to go and collect him staright away, couldn't discuss why??? get to the school and am handed a letter and my son, letter says there has been a serious allegation made about him and they are not at liberty to discuss details of allegation it is now in the hands of the Police, the Police (CID ) would like to speak to him next week they have indicated that he will attend as a volunteer not arrested - he was then suspended, also the phone number of a DS at (cid) which I randg and was told they would ring me with an appointment and could not discuss anything?????


Speak to a crying son, he doesn't know why but has heard a rumour a girl he had a threesome with 2 weeeks previously was saying they forced her, this is not true, she first had sex with one then the other and gave them both oral sex and was on top (the other boy has been suspended and we have had no contact) the other boy left and she then invited my son to stay which he did and had sex with her again using a condom both times, there are rooms both sides very thin walls if she had shouted she would have been heard. The next day they returned to finish course and were ok with each other and also all travelled back together and she was laughing and joining in - then 2 weeks later this has happened, I can not believe we are in this position and myself and my boy are be side ourself with worry and hurt, he has also worked so hard in his choosen route this could ruin him......... he would never hurt anyone it is not in his nature, he is sweet and kind and is still best friends with both his previous girlfriends, we have not told anyone, ss have rung but not come out and we have still not heard from the Police and it is nearly 2 weeks now.

WOULD SHOULD WE DO............

[Rights Fighter]

When he is interviewed he MUST have a solicitor present. If you can try to find one that is experienced in these matters. Which county are you in? I might know of one near to you - alternatively look for a solicitor in your area on

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...ist-solicitors

[tiger mum]

Make sure you have taken advice BEFORE the interview and have a specialist solicitor with him

Hi - sorry to hear of your situation. I remember feeling equally devastated when my son was the subject of a similar accusation last November. The things that are different in our situation was they were both 14 (not over the age of consent) and it happened at a party (out of school's responsibility) his school didn't suspend - although he had a to stay away for a period of several weeks due to the trauma of it all. There will be reasons why this girl has made the accusation - but I suspect you will never discover what they are, but your lad is facing a very serious charge and I recommend you search out a specialist solicitor who will attend the interview with your son.

I was present as an appropriate adult at interview as my son was so young, I'm not sure if its the same for a 17 year old. I don't think any two cases are the same and you should be ready with a solicitor you trust who has a good reputation, who is qualified who has a full understanding of the situation. If they handle it right your son will not be arrested and you can avoid him having a record of that on his file. If they assign you a duty solicitor who is on call when they arrange for the interview they may or may not be specialists in rape charges - on the upside they will be free.

Before they interviewed my son I had rung the police to report a false accusation and I asked the police to consider my son's version of events not just the girl's. They said they would be in touch in due course, then rang at 8am the next day and said I had to bring my son down to the station to be arrested, if I didn't they would come and arrest him. What I'm trying to explain is the police can change their tactics and their mind about how to progress and you need to be ready.

If he is admitting there was consenting sex and she is saying consent wasn't given its going to be your son's word (and the other lad's word) against hers. If she has made a statement it was rape she must have told the police a very different version of events, but if at any point during the night she said 'no' (whatever happened before or after) it could be viewed as rape and your son needs to be really careful about what he admits to. I think you should be careful what you put on here as well as its an usual situation and its an open forum and people might be able to work out who you are.

In the end the police didn't arrest or charge my son, we volunteered his DNA to avoid this. Your son might eventually be told the police won't take any action too. Sometimes they take weeks, sometime months to reach this conclusion. (3 months in our case)

So - sorry for rambling - but I'd get proper legal advice now so you have the right person protecting his interests at that interview. I did and it was worth every penny.

You sound like a great mum, he'll need your support more than he ever has over the next few months.

[SoWorried]

At no point did she say no, at no point did she ask them to leave and at no point did she even mention that she had a boyfriend, she also invited them to her room in front of another boy. I have now been crying for days, I feel tired and under huge stress, but that is nothing compared to how my boy is, he is in a dreadful way and completely obsessed with clearing his name, he has been stupid and made a very poor judgement, but he has not forced anyone to do anything xxx

[SoWorried]

Also, is it a good thing they are taking this long to even talk to him?

[Rights Fighter]

Also, is it a good thing they are taking this long to even talk to him?

Not really. I know of cases where it took over a year to talk to the accused. Unfortunately it's swings and roundabouts.

.....she also invited them to her room in front of another boy.

Do you know who this lad is? If you do, ask him to write out what he remembers of that night in a sort of statement and putting his contact details on there so his evidence can be used should it become necessary. Keep that until you find a solicitor you have confidence in.

[myhome]

Hi SoWorried - welcome to the forum but so sorry to see yet another mum here supporting her son.

To answer your last question first, the length of time the police take to do anything doesn't indicate anything - positive or negative. You can't read or assume anything because of what they do or don't do.

Things that you and your son can do immediately is to search fb and all other social media site to see what this girl and her friends are saying. Take screenshots of these. Copy any texts or emails they may have sent between each other and store these and the screenshots somewhere electronically where the police won't get them if they decide to take his electronic equipment.

The initial shock is probably the worst experience you and he'll ever have and being proactive at this stage will help to get the feeling of some semblance of control back. The shock gradually diminishes but it can take a very long time. Your son might like to see his GP for support. And, just as importantly, YOU need to get some help and support for yourself. It is as emotionally draining being a support for someone who has been FA'd as it is for that person.

Keep strong and keep posting and we'll help all we can.......MH

[tiger mum]

Hi - I wasn't implying she had said no - just that you need to be aware that conversation about what's going to happen might have occurred and it can be taken out of context. We found out that however 'wild' she behaved on the night in question, just because she claimed she said no (in the version of events she told the police) at the critical moment (which she has different recollections of) that was enough for them to take her accusations seriously and consider charging him. The police were not bothered about what she was up to with the lads she was with before and after my son, nor that she sobered up, got drunk again and had further sexual encounters the following night. It all seemed to depend on a conversation she remembered (although there was a lot she didn't remember) where she said no. Although there was a lot of social media conversation after the event when she reassured him it hadn't happened and she didn't mean what she said when she accused him - also on facebook.

It made no sense to me to charge him - but I now understand its a lot to do with the pressure the police are under to make arrests and the wording of the law regarding sexual assault. Kids are so vulnerable when these accusations are made. We also thought our world had caved in - but slowly realised no one believed her as her lies just didn't add up, over time we became more resilient. I am sure you will too when you get some proper support and feel more able to fight this.

Make sure your boy knows you totally believe him - many others will too. My lad kept saying "but why would she say that"? Maybe her family or boyfriend found out what had happened and claiming she was raped got her off the hook? Who knows - you wouldn't think someone could be so evil to make things like this up - but maybe she didn't realise how it would snowball into the situation you all face now?

[SoWorried]

Thank you everyone it's 1am and all are asleep, sorry Tigermum if I came across sharply I didn't mean to, I'm grateful for the support, have arranged a solicitor to be ready, have arranged a payday loan to pay what's needed if it goes further along I will selling my house for the rest of the bills if necessary xx
He had no contact with her before only vocal, they are not fb friends and he hasn't contacted her since, or the other boy, is that right? I wish I could tell her what she is doing to us.

[tiger mum]

Hi - I didn't think you were sharp at all - I wasn't saying she had said no - just that everything that was said between them that night, as well as everything which was done will be relevant to the investigation.

Its awful that on top of this stress you have to worry about financing a decent defense for your boy too, recent changes to legal aid funding seem really unfair. I don't know if this is typical but the solicitor we used prepared for the interview, traveled up to attend with us and liaised with the investigating officer to get updates on the police investigation. They were a specialist London firm and this cost me about £2500 (including VAT). I got the impression that IF he was charged and it progressed to trial we would have the option to switch to a solicitor who would take it on via legal aid - but we never got that far (thankfully).

Is your boy managing to stay in touch with his friends? I know he's off college but won't they all be breaking up for summer soon? I found that some of my son's individual teachers were really supportive and sent him work. It meant an awful lot to him at the time that they didn't write him off. Also does he have brothers or sisters? The stigma of such an accusation can be hard on them too.

Do keep posting on here, for answers or support. It might be difficult for you to reach out to friends or family, I didn't discuss the situation with my elderly parents - even when it was over as it was just too difficult, that was pretty isolating in itself. People just don't know what to say and are scared of saying the wrong thing.... but do try and look after yourself x

[Rights Fighter]

Thank you everyone it's 1am and all are asleep, sorry Tigermum if I came across sharply I didn't mean to, I'm grateful for the support, have arranged a solicitor to be ready, have arranged a payday loan to pay what's needed if it goes further along I will selling my house for the rest of the bills if necessary xx
He had no contact with her before only vocal, they are not fb friends and he hasn't contacted her since, or the other boy, is that right? I wish I could tell her what she is doing to us.

If you take out a pay day loan you will be forever paying it off - literally. Please reconsider doing that. Your lad will be eligible for legal aid and there are some good solicitors out their who will do the job well. Some do and some don't - you really need to look for somebody who specialises in these matters. Which county are you in? I might know of a good solicitor and barrister in your area SHOULD HE BE CHARGED.

He may not be charged of course but it's best to have a back up plan - but honestly, a pay day loan is really not the way to go.

There are solicitors who you can pay privately of course, and their costs will vary and some allow payments in installments.

[SoWorried]

Head is all over the place at the moment, may be able to borrow the money from a family friend, but not really sure at the moment, just know that no matter what he will have the best, to clear his name... still feeling so bad for him, he is hardly coming out of his room, because he is worried about it all and so he is grumpy then ends up bickering with his sibling. He still sees his best friend that he has condifided in and they have been running and going to the gym most days together so thats positive, and last night he did sleep for 8 hours so again he is feeling less stressed this am.

RF have emailed directly xx

Thank you all just being able to speak is better than bottling it all up.

[Rights Fighter]

No email as yet - moderators please will you ask this member for her email address? Also might find you on Facebook if you apply to join PAFAA with SOFAP group so possibly could PM you from there

[Rights Fighter]

I emailed you hon. Did you get it? I've not yet received yours. How odd.

[SoWorried]

No, No email and I can't message you as m not able yet sorry I don't do Facebook and sorry so I ca't think of another way sorry xx