Falsely Accused of Historical Marital Rape

[false marital rape claim]

Hi All.

My Apologies - I initially posted this in the "Hello" section but upon further reading of the rules I should probably have posted it here instead.

This is the first time I have ever posted on an online forum, so I will try and keep it brief. After many hours of 'Googling' I was so glad to stumble upon this site as it seems I am not alone in my nightmare.

I will try and describe my situation as briefly as possible. Married in 2006. Child born in 2007. Work in healthcare. We first separated in 2009 and spent approximately 50% of the last 5 years reconciled (lots of break ups/getting back together) In January 2014 my wife left and took the kids which was a complete shock to me as we had been getting on "ok" for the last year. In May she suddenly cut off contact with my daughter (which is heart-breaking) and she went to Police stating that she once had non-consensual sex with me in EITHER 2007 or 2008, and that I had committed common assault on her on four occasions during the last few years? Subsequently I have been arrested and bailed for rape and these common assaults. I can't understand how anyone (no matter how angry) could make this up about someone.

My life is in tatters. I am not allowed to work in my normal role (although work has been supportive and found me other duties temporarily) Every day I am terrified that my daughter is being turned against me by her mother and I am missing out on her childhood. Every time I have to tell a new person about my situation I feel dirty, worrying that they will think that "where there is smoke there is fire" so something that must have happened - especially when I read that the CPS thinks that false allegations of rape are very rare?!...really?! My mood constantly swings between thinking that things will be ok (and to trust the legal system to do the right thing) and being terrified that I am going to prison an innocent man - anyone who has been in this position will know exactly what I mean.

I am on three months bail until August, and find myself wishing away every day until then. However I have read so many threads on here, and it seems commonplace for bail to be extended again and again whilst Police search for evidence that they are simply not going to find as this never happened? They already have my mobile phone which was seized when I was arrested - how long does it take to look through a mobile? The only thing keeping me going at the moment is the thought that they could NFA me in August - if it is extended then I don't know how I am going to cope with that.

It seems that women who make false allegations have the upper hand. My life is ruined already. I need an Enhanced CRB for my job - this nonsense will show up on my CRB even if it is NFA. My wife has now said that she does not want me seeing my daughter as I smacked her bottom (once) at some point last year so I am having to go to court for access to my daughter also, even though she had given me good overnight access right up until the point when she made these allegations. It seems that the law changed on 22 April 2014 (just over a week prior to my wife making these allegations to Police) stating that in order to get legal aid, your partner should be on bail for domestic violence?! Yet even if I get NFA'd the Police are never going to be able to get evidence that this is a malicious allegation are they? So she cannot lose either way. My wife is an Accountant and obsessed with money - I also read that you can be sued for rape - is this true?

Has anyone been in a similar situation to me? How long do the Police need to investigate these things? I read that historical allegations are more likely to go to court?! So many questions...

[Casehardened]

Hi FMRC & welcome to the forum,

From your account it is plain that your wife's motive in bringing this accusation is to prevent your access to your daughter and as you have had a look at other threads in the forum you will have seen that custody issues are not uncommon; in fact I suspect there is a forum somewhere on the web advising women on various stratagems on achieving sole custody of the children!

Hopefully members with personal experience of this situation will be able to offer you advice and support but I believe that the pending court hearing regarding access will be adjourned until the rape allegation is determined. This will inevitably drags things out which was probably the aim.

You don't mention legal representation but hopefully you have a specialist on board.

I have not heard of any members being sued by their complainants but they can certainly claim compensation from the CICA.

[false marital rape claim]

Hi Casehardened

Thank you for your reply. Yes I've got both Family and Criminal Solicitors dealing with the rape allegation / Child Arrangement Order. When I was initially arrested I assumed that the allegations were purely a vehicle for my ex to get legal aid as well as the upper hand in divorce proceedings. However having now had 6 weeks off work - thinking of little else other than this nightmare, I think she has done this to simply hurt me...knowing that preventing access to my daughter will hurt me more than any divorce settlement. For the life of me, I cannot think of why she has said that the rape was either in 2007 or 2008 as we did not split up until late 2009 and have reconciled several times since...it just doesn't make sense.

What is so frustrating is that once having made a false allegation, the accusers are offered endless support (which should absolutely be offered to genuine victims) and will get updates from police /social services etc. about how their "case" is progressing. Meanwhile the accused is left to appear guilty...(not until 'proven' innocent as this highly unlikely unless that accuser is prepared to state they were lying to police)...worrying indefinitely that our lives our going to collapse around us, and everything I've worked for up to this point in my life will have been in vain (being a good dad, having a career etc.) How can this really be considered "right" in 2014?

I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy. Part of me thinks that false accusers have absolutely no idea of the torment their allegation causes to the person they've accused as they probably think 'it ok it's not like they will actually go to prison.' Even a NFA at my first bail date (which seems unlikely based on what I've read on here) couldn't even make up for feeling so dreadful for so long...I think the damage will have been done by then.

[Southwestaccused]

Hi

Your situation and emotions are very similar to mine. The thought of losing everything most importantly your children just on somebody else's word is impossible to describe. And the obvious motive behind any false allegations has no influence on how you are treated.

There is lots of sound legal advice and moral support on here.

[Casehardened]

Yes, sadly, whatever the final outcome is, these accusations are life-changing events, though the initial shock does diminish with time and it is possible to think about other things.

[false marital rape claim]

Nfa!

Hi All

After nearly 3 months on police bail the OIC called me first thing this morning to confirm that they have dropped the case as they could not find any evidence against me. I am in the same dumb-founded shock that I felt when this nightmare began, but I thought it important to share on here my feelings as this last few months has shown me what an epidemic these false allegations are, and I don't think ANYONE including the police (or even the people making these false allegations) have any idea of the profound impact these allegations have on the "suspect" as well as their families and friends.

When I was first arrested for the rape and a collection of historical common assaults (I now believe they were thrown in by my ex for good measure) my world stopped. I was convinced that I was going to end up in prison. I have explained to literally dozens of people over the last 3 months, that even having a 0.01% chance of going to prison takes over your life, and it is almost impossible for anyone to understand unless they or their family have been in that position. At first I Googled relentlessly trying to find answers, looking at statistics, prison sentences, what prison life is like...you name it and I was quietly researching for hours on end as I'm sure a lot of people in my position do. My mind would run away with me, and no matter how many people told me it would all be ok I found it hard to have the same faith as them. In the early days when your mind is a mess and you have lost faith in the world I considered suicide as the thought of prison and not being able to see my daughter again simply made it feel like there was nothing left in life and I couldn't face the prospect of being in this pain for years to come. HOWEVER I read on here in one of the many excellent threads that I have trawled through, that suicide will only make you look guilty, and as hard as it is it is, it's better to go to trial an innocent man than give the impression that I had killed myself as I had been "caught" for a crime. Suicide will not demonstrate just how awful and unbearable this situation is for us (except maybe to our family and friends) It will not make the accuser feel bad - if anything it will just strengthen their position by showing you couldn't live with being "found out." So as hard as it is, just let the feelings pass and focus on disproving your accuser.

The main point I wanted to make is that all of our cases are different - no two cases will be exactly the same. Hours of looking for similar cases online, in the hope that you will find an answer to what is going to happen just doesn't seem to work. Instead just listen to the reaction of your family and friends when you tell them what has happened. These are all the same type of normal people who would be the jury in any trial - if your friends and family can immediately see how ridiculous the whole thing is, then hopefully the police, cps and (if it came to it) a jury would too. I know this is not always the case and I have read about some horrendous miscarriages of justice on here and elsewhere....but along with everything else that I read that just makes you feel awful (if I read about one more women's charity saying that false accusations are rare I will scream) you just have to remember that everyone's case is different.

I wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone involved in daftmoo as these last 3 months have been the absolute worst of my life and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. However reading through some of the stories on here made me realise that I wasn't alone - indeed we have just found out that a relative of my partner has just been accused of exactly the same thing and so for him it is all starting...he is 15 years younger than me and I can't imagine how I would have dealt with this at that age.

Just some quick points:

Do not panic if you read to give a "no answer" interview AFTER (as I did) you have gone in for your interview and already given the police your whole life story. My Solicitor was a retired DI from the Met and his advice had been just tell them what they want to know and if you're telling the truth you'll be fine. You will also be seen as co-operative and reasonable. I can see the benefit of giving a no answer interview too - my point is simply not to worry if you only see this after you have already given your interview.

I was on bail for two and a half months until they telephoned me this morning to cancel it (my bail date was mid August) I have read on here that some people have been on bail for longer than a year (which terrified me) but I just want to make the point that sometimes it does appear to end sooner than expected.

Go to the GP and get some anti-depressants asap. You may not feel that you need them at first, as you know you have done nothing wrong and it will be resolved. But in the initial stages you are in shock and the situation still hasn't settled in. Anti-depressants take 3 weeks to get into your system so the sooner you start taking them the better.

As time goes on try and find something to occupy your mind (this will be impossible for the first few weeks) but over the last month I discovered that doing jigsaw puzzles took my mind off it - having never had any interest in them previously this was a bit of a shock! But it worked, and as soon as my mum and partner realised this, puzzles have been arriving daily as they just took my mind of things!

Expect good and bad days. Expect for something random to suddenly make you feel down. As time progresses the number of bad days will decrease but the worry will never go completely.

I hope my experience will help others. I am no expert on the subject like many others on here, but I just hope sharing some of my feelings might help someone else in my situation. I still have to wait for the letter to come through confirming my NFA (and some say that I shouldn't be getting my hopes up until that has arrived) but after so long of feeling so dreadful, I just wanted to share some positive news, as I am sure there are many people looking on this site (like I was) looking for anything to help them feel better. Good luck to all of you.

[Rights Fighter]

Great news about the NFA

And also thanks for the advice for others

The main point I wanted to make is that all of our cases are different - no two cases will be exactly the same. Hours of looking for similar cases online, in the hope that you will find an answer to what is going to happen just doesn't seem to work.

Exactly! Often people think that they can advise others because of what they experienced - but what one person experienced can be completely different to others. That's how wrong advice can sometimes inadvertently be given....................

[Casehardened]

What great news for you and thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with others going through this ordeal....

[Staystrong1]

Congratulations

Hi All

After nearly 3 months on police bail the OIC called me first thing this morning to confirm that they have dropped the case as they could not find any evidence against me. I am in the same dumb-founded shock that I felt when this nightmare began, but I thought it important to share on here my feelings as this last few months has shown me what an epidemic these false allegations are, and I don't think ANYONE including the police (or even the people making these false allegations) have any idea of the profound impact these allegations have on the "suspect" as well as their families and friends.

When I was first arrested for the rape and a collection of historical common assaults (I now believe they were thrown in by my ex for good measure) my world stopped. I was convinced that I was going to end up in prison. I have explained to literally dozens of people over the last 3 months, that even having a 0.01% chance of going to prison takes over your life, and it is almost impossible for anyone to understand unless they or their family have been in that position. At first I Googled relentlessly trying to find answers, looking at statistics, prison sentences, what prison life is like...you name it and I was quietly researching for hours on end as I'm sure a lot of people in my position do. My mind would run away with me, and no matter how many people told me it would all be ok I found it hard to have the same faith as them. In the early days when your mind is a mess and you have lost faith in the world I considered suicide as the thought of prison and not being able to see my daughter again simply made it feel like there was nothing left in life and I couldn't face the prospect of being in this pain for years to come. HOWEVER I read on here in one of the many excellent threads that I have trawled through, that suicide will only make you look guilty, and as hard as it is it is, it's better to go to trial an innocent man than give the impression that I had killed myself as I had been "caught" for a crime. Suicide will not demonstrate just how awful and unbearable this situation is for us (except maybe to our family and friends) It will not make the accuser feel bad - if anything it will just strengthen their position by showing you couldn't live with being "found out." So as hard as it is, just let the feelings pass and focus on disproving your accuser.

The main point I wanted to make is that all of our cases are different - no two cases will be exactly the same. Hours of looking for similar cases online, in the hope that you will find an answer to what is going to happen just doesn't seem to work. Instead just listen to the reaction of your family and friends when you tell them what has happened. These are all the same type of normal people who would be the jury in any trial - if your friends and family can immediately see how ridiculous the whole thing is, then hopefully the police, cps and (if it came to it) a jury would too. I know this is not always the case and I have read about some horrendous miscarriages of justice on here and elsewhere....but along with everything else that I read that just makes you feel awful (if I read about one more women's charity saying that false accusations are rare I will scream) you just have to remember that everyone's case is different.

I wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone involved in daftmoo as these last 3 months have been the absolute worst of my life and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. However reading through some of the stories on here made me realise that I wasn't alone - indeed we have just found out that a relative of my partner has just been accused of exactly the same thing and so for him it is all starting...he is 15 years younger than me and I can't imagine how I would have dealt with this at that age.

Just some quick points:

Do not panic if you read to give a "no answer" interview AFTER (as I did) you have gone in for your interview and already given the police your whole life story. My Solicitor was a retired DI from the Met and his advice had been just tell them what they want to know and if you're telling the truth you'll be fine. You will also be seen as co-operative and reasonable. I can see the benefit of giving a no answer interview too - my point is simply not to worry if you only see this after you have already given your interview.

I was on bail for two and a half months until they telephoned me this morning to cancel it (my bail date was mid August) I have read on here that some people have been on bail for longer than a year (which terrified me) but I just want to make the point that sometimes it does appear to end sooner than expected.

Go to the GP and get some anti-depressants asap. You may not feel that you need them at first, as you know you have done nothing wrong and it will be resolved. But in the initial stages you are in shock and the situation still hasn't settled in. Anti-depressants take 3 weeks to get into your system so the sooner you start taking them the better.

As time goes on try and find something to occupy your mind (this will be impossible for the first few weeks) but over the last month I discovered that doing jigsaw puzzles took my mind off it - having never had any interest in them previously this was a bit of a shock! But it worked, and as soon as my mum and partner realised this, puzzles have been arriving daily as they just took my mind of things!

Expect good and bad days. Expect for something random to suddenly make you feel down. As time progresses the number of bad days will decrease but the worry will never go completely.

I hope my experience will help others. I am no expert on the subject like many others on here, but I just hope sharing some of my feelings might help someone else in my situation. I still have to wait for the letter to come through confirming my NFA (and some say that I shouldn't be getting my hopes up until that has arrived) but after so long of feeling so dreadful, I just wanted to share some positive news, as I am sure there are many people looking on this site (like I was) looking for anything to help them feel better. Good luck to all of you.

Well done

We are at the start of this nightmare. it has totally consumed our life and will continue
To do so. it helps to hear positive news and I hope that at the end of the line our outcome
Will be as positive as yours. No one will understand how a false allegation ruins lives
Good luck to you with your life.

[can it get worse]

Great news and thank you for sharing.

It is good that you weren't waiting too long although I'm sure it did not feel good.

The police said 'not enough evidence'............. This is encouraging, however - it shows that everyone's case is different. In many FA's, there is no evidence, just one person's word. I would like to know from a police point of view, what constitutes 'evidence'

My partner's case went to trial based on no evidence apart from one person's word with a reputation of dishonesty. GRRrrrrr.

[IRB777]

Brilliant news

Brilliant news for you. My situation is very similar i have been accused by my ex-partner of false allegations of rape and assault. I have 3 young children i havent seen since october 2013. My case has gone on since june 2013 and has recently gone to the CPS. My case is strong as i see it. But if i get charged ill fight to the end an innocent man. My partner was cheating on me and has now moved her boyfriend into my house, i used to spend loads of time with my kids seeing them every day just a normal dad. Its tough when your life gets stripped away and all your left with are feelings of diabolical injustice and living day to day with worry. But i see it as a test. My fight is something i can be proud of, its the hardest thing i have ever done. In the end i know the truth and so does she. In my eyes her life is damned until i forgive her, and that wont come in the near future. Take your experience and use it, you will have changed in so many ways as i have. Fight for your children and win. Its true the old saying "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" that is how i feel. I have no fear ,no suicidal thoughts, i shed no tears anymore im just straining at the bit ready for the possibility of the CPS,s ridiculous decision and the impending storm afterwards. You have your life back as i hope too have one day. Celebrate and move on ,dont let Evil taint your life, we are the ones who stood our ground when everything was against us and that does warrant pride in ourselves. Good Luck

[false marital rape claim]

HELP! CASE REOPENED after NFA last year?!

Hi All

I really hoped that I would never be in this position again. The original case is in this thread. Police dropped it after finding no evidence in July last year.

I subsequently launched a Child Arrangement's Order and have been seeing my daughter in a contact centre since January (not perfect but progress)

We had a Fact Finding Hearing this week and in the bundle of evidence presented by my ex wife was an email from a Police Officer stating they had re-opened the rape case in March 2015. I was gob-smacked as they had not even contacted me, despite knowing that I work with vulnerable adults and children?

In her court papers my ex wife included an email complaining to the Inspector in charge of DV/rape etc. that he had placed a SIG marker over my ex-wife stating that "she had made malicious allegation against me in the past...etc" so that future police officers would be aware of our history as I had complained about them arresting me repeatedly for things alleged by my wife (ALL dismissed as NFA) Further to her email to the Inspector he has altered this to read "unproven allegations"and the following month the rape case was re-opened.

She now claims that her daughter from a previous partner (who is now 16) and has significant mental health problems wants to give a statement apparently remembering the incident 8 years ago - she would have been 7 at the time? She has also said that her Counsellor will give a statement as well as a next door neighbour whom she is friends with, who agreed after she approached the neighbour and asked her to?

This whole situation is ludicrous. I have already contacted the OIC re-investigating the case who stated they were duty bound to reinvestigate in light of new evidence - I understand this, but why wasn't I informed? Why haven't I been re-arrested and bailed after 5 months? (I dread going through that again) The OIC said she was happy for me to carry on working, and would let me know when the investigations are concluded.

Could they just be re-checking the original investigation? My ex-wife said in Family Court that they are due to interview her daughter in the next few days. I'm assuming that they have already interviewed the Counsellor and neighbour and are waiting for all the "evidence" before deciding what to do next?

Please help as I feel right back at square one and thought this nightmare was over with?

[Rights Fighter]

I'm wondering whether the ex believes she might get into trouble for making false allegations so is trying to manufacture "evidence" to cover her own back.

Hold on in there......

[Casehardened]

Sorry to see you re-open this thread!

Normally when fresh evidence appears during an investigation the relevant witness (whether complainant or accused) is re-interviewed and given the opportunity to make a response.

Without wishing to give you false hope, I think that this has not happened suggests that the police are simply going through the motions (in order to not provoke another complaining email from your ex!)

[jittery]

hi

Hi All

I really hoped that I would never be in this position again. The original case is in this thread. Police dropped it after finding no evidence in July last year.

I subsequently launched a Child Arrangement's Order and have been seeing my daughter in a contact centre since January (not perfect but progress)

We had a Fact Finding Hearing this week and in the bundle of evidence presented by my ex wife was an email from a Police Officer stating they had re-opened the rape case in March 2015. I was gob-smacked as they had not even contacted me, despite knowing that I work with vulnerable adults and children?

In her court papers my ex wife included an email complaining to the Inspector in charge of DV/rape etc. that he had placed a SIG marker over my ex-wife stating that "she had made malicious allegation against me in the past...etc" so that future police officers would be aware of our history as I had complained about them arresting me repeatedly for things alleged by my wife (ALL dismissed as NFA) Further to her email to the Inspector he has altered this to read "unproven allegations"and the following month the rape case was re-opened.

She now claims that her daughter from a previous partner (who is now 16) and has significant mental health problems wants to give a statement apparently remembering the incident 8 years ago - she would have been 7 at the time? She has also said that her Counsellor will give a statement as well as a next door neighbour whom she is friends with, who agreed after she approached the neighbour and asked her to?

This whole situation is ludicrous. I have already contacted the OIC re-investigating the case who stated they were duty bound to reinvestigate in light of new evidence - I understand this, but why wasn't I informed? Why haven't I been re-arrested and bailed after 5 months? (I dread going through that again) The OIC said she was happy for me to carry on working, and would let me know when the investigations are concluded.

Could they just be re-checking the original investigation? My ex-wife said in Family Court that they are due to interview her daughter in the next few days. I'm assuming that they have already interviewed the Counsellor and neighbour and are waiting for all the "evidence" before deciding what to do next?

Please help as I feel right back at square one and thought this nightmare was over with?

Ch's comments sound about right to me, I feel sure that if the allegations were being taken seriously there would have been some action taken. I think you can afford to be cautiously optimistic. Good luck and stay strong!