My daughter has accused my husband of 'inappropriately touching' her - help

[confusedmother]

Hi - have a look at the links below about False Memory Syndrome. It's not uncommon.
http://www.theguardian.com/science/2...emory-syndrome

I just feel shaky, useless and sick. We've reached an impasse. she cant live with him (and i dont want to ask her to leave home) and he cant come home unless she agrees to try and work this all out. Its a sorry mess and im stuck in the middle. Dont want to lose either of them but i think im losing both.

Yesterday he said he has to move on and try to make sense of his life, his past failures and now this. He loves me so very much and i love him but he says the kindest thing is to let me go, let me have a life with my kids and for him to accept he can never be part of 'us' again but i just cant accept this.

He knows she is strong willed and stubborn and whether she believes she made a mistake or not she wont back down leaving him with nothing. He cant defend himself against something she believes happened so long ago and an apology for what 'might have been' means nothing without him accepting he must have done this (she says he'd been drinking, we drank a lot for a while, it was 'normal'). He is adamant he didn't, wouldn't, couldn't.

Ive seen from other threads that social sevices don't let accusations 'go' without investigating, even though she would never want to press charges. She told our GP she thought it was him but wasnt 100% sure because the room was dark and he didnt speak to her, she just remembers being touched and later walking out of our bedroom... GP hasnt been in touch and probably wont tell us if she reported it or not but i imagine she did. No-one wants to be responsible for making the wrong decision.

False memories dont seem to be able to be proven and yet how can we discredit her memory without convincing her it must have been true because we are trying to 'cover it up'. The kids often got in our bed when one of them couldnt sleep but i know my husband would never have got in bed knowing she was in there. Its his word against hers so how can we ever reach a resolution?

I know this is minor compared to other peoples stories but to me its tearing my life and family apart...

[confusedmother]

I just feel shaky, useless and sick. We've reached an impasse. she cant live with him (and i dont want to ask her to leave home) and he cant come home unless she agrees to try and work this all out. Its a sorry mess and im stuck in the middle. Dont want to lose either of them but i think im losing both.
.

So here we are some 5 weeks after the initial allegation and hubby has given up. He says every time he passes a child in the street he turns away, crosses he road and avoids hem completely. He feels like he is going mad. He cant come home feeling like everyone is looking a him, accusing him, especially my daughters. He is cutting ties with me and moving away...

The GP did report it to Social Services but says they have a huge case load so its unlikely to 'go anywhere'. Social services wanted his name, dob etc so we know they wont leave it. They can't... can they?

Ironically, the daughter can now understand that memories can be incorrect, can change, that we make things fit because they dont make sense in our heads. NOW she's not so sure, NOW the damage is done, NOW he's gone...

Just devastated...

[Casehardened]

Has your daughter been interviewed by the police yet?

In these particular circumstances (one allegation by one person) it is unlikely your husband will be spoken to until they ascertain the 'facts' from your daughter; obviously if she is now doubtful about the incident she must carefully consider what she will say when interviewed.

I (fortunately!) have little knowledge about the machinations of the SS but I guess as there are now no minors living at home they will not consider it an urgent 'at risk' case (assuming your husband has no contact with children in his job or in a voluntary capacity)

[myhome]

so sorry to read that your husband has decided to move away. It may be that he needs time away to be alone and sort his thoughts out. Maybe you and your daughters can use this time too, to decide what to do next and how to get the family back together.
His move away isn't necessarily permanent and in the coming months and when this is settled, you can begin to rebuild your lives together again...it may not seem like it now as your world has fallen apart.....{{{{{{{{{{{{[[[hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[frightened spouse]

Has your daughter been interviewed by the police yet?

In these particular circumstances (one allegation by one person) it is unlikely your husband will be spoken to until they ascertain the 'facts' from your daughter; obviously if she is now doubtful about the incident she must carefully consider what she will say when interviewed.

I (fortunately!) have little knowledge about the machinations of the SS but I guess as there are now no minors living at home they will not consider it an urgent 'at risk' case (assuming your husband has no contact with children in his job or in a voluntary capacity)

Unfortunately the scope is bigger than just children and includes anyone that has contact with anyone that is deemed vulnerable ie. the elderly, the learning disabled and even adults with mental health issues.

[Indigo]

Heartbreaking to read through all that and I feel for you I truly do.
I would not even know how to give you any advice, even though in the end this is what happen to me and my wife.

I hope you can find a way through it all

[is there justice?]

I am so sorry that it has come to this but I do understand why he feels that way. It says a lot about him that he has removed himself to save the relationship between you and your daughter, or try to anyway.
Who knows what the future hold? Things may turn out better than you expect. X

[confusedmother]

I am so sorry that it has come to this but I do understand why he feels that way. It says a lot about him that he has removed himself to save the relationship between you and your daughter, or try to anyway.
Who knows what the future hold? Things may turn out better than you expect. X

Once again, thank you all. Hubby and I are seriously struggling to deal with this.
Doctor took it out of or hands so I'm reluctant to go counselling in case they do the same and make i worse.
Daughter says she can see what i'm saying that it could have been a terrible mistake and agrees that she didnt look a him, he didnt talk to her, she just 'feels' it was him. she has even said she did wonder if she was imagining it until i said that if he was drunk it could have been a mistake.
hen, in an angry moment, when she feels i dont believe her she says she knows it was him, he did talk to her and it was deliberate... so screwed up, all of us.

Just been thru carer training and have been told if someone alleges abuse we must believe it, report and treat it as fact and support the victim. However as mother of the victim and wife of the accused how do i deal with how i feel, what i believe and how i treat these two people whom i love so mch??

Also, it seems abuse is abuse whether intended or not. If he was so drunk he didn't realise it was her in OUR bed, thats no excuse... what else can we do?

We are going round and round in circles with no answers and no where to turn...

[Indigo]

I think counselling could be your best option.
It may even get your daughter and husband to talk about it, which is in my opinion the way to proceed.

But there is at some point in time in your life, when your life is about you and what you want.
Your kids will not be there forever and then where will you be?
I am not saying to turn your back on your daughter, far from it in fact, but you need to also make her understand
she has confused you by changing her mind so many times, and it seems she is now trapped lie or not she has no idea
which way to go. If she believes it was exactly as she described then she herself NEEDS to see a counsellor.

I know your stuck in the middle and unable to do anything, such is the nature of these cases.
The accuser is young and innocent so must be telling the truth right? wrong
Mindsets change over time and with the current media on these things, advertising is a very powerful tool.
And it seems to be in the news every single day, which can in itself produce some vivid tails of past encounters.

You are no doubt between a rock and a hard place as they say, but you have to figure out what is best for you.
Selfish? I don't think so and I don't think many people would disagree but in the end you cannot live someone
else's life for them or force them to your way of thinking, so do what's best for you and stick to it.

We all live with some regrets it's just life, it's how YOU choose to deal with them that counts.
The worst thing you can do is nothing.