My daughter has accused my husband of 'inappropriately touching' her - help

[confusedmother]

Just a week ago my 22 year old daughter blurted out that her dad touched her one time, when she was younger. In a dazed spin i called down her 20 year old sister and asked if anything had ever happened to her. She said he had, and described an action. I tried to question my girls to establish the facts. Within 15-20 minutes I had rushed to confront him and of course he denied everything.

In the eruption of emotion my girls shouted a him and I was forced to tell him to leave or family home. My daughters and i went over and over their accusations and during the past few days it has become apparent that one of them is not being truthful, she is being very vague and says she cannot remember much but the things she has said really don't make sense. The other daughter is adamant that this one thing happened one time although the scenario was that she woke in our bed (they used to sleep in or room sometimes if one was keeping the other awake) and she woke with a pain as he had touched her (no penetrating and very brief apparently) she rolled away, went back to sleep and it stopped. Later she says she woke and her hand was down his underwear at which point she says she recalls going back to her own bed. This all happened 10-12years ago and he has been here without any problem since.

Whilst he remains adamant he would not have done his, drunk or sober, she swears blind he did. I have tried to make every scenario fit, that maybe he thought he was touching me as married loving couples do, maybe she imagined it, maybe it really happened but somewhere else because she used to go on sleep overs. I only ever left her one time in his care and it happened that one night??

The problem is, i really dont know what to do now, where to turn for help. I want to believe her but i dont believe my husband would do this. They are both adamant they are telling the truth. She says she can never live here with him but i dont feel i can live without him and im so utterly torn. i love them both very much. She is angry and bitter a him for other stuff because he has moaned and groaned his way thru life upsetting me and our family and yes she knows he cheated on me one time but this is terrible to have happened to her and for him to be falsely accused of. Who can we turn to for help without it going to the authorities? I have one other older teen at home who is not 'at risk' but what now... please help im desperate

[Music lady]

Hi confusedmother, well done you for listening to your daughter. I wish my mum listened to me.

I'd recommend counselling for your daughter whether it happened or not. I think it would help her to sort out her emotions. I don't think the counsellor would inform the authorities because she no longer lives in the same house as him so isn't 'at risk'.

It's hard to tell if the accusations are true or not. As she was a child, the memories would be from a child's perspective. This is something I'm struggling with at the moment. Some of my memories are vague and fuzzy from my childhood. My dad was inappropriate, that much I do know. I just can't work out to what extent. Your daughter sounds like she is hurting inside, so whether the accusations are true or not, it's very real to her. I know this doesn't really help you. You're in a very difficult position. Your daughter needs to feel listened to and supported. Hopefully her dad will be understanding and give her the space she needs to work through this.

You're going to need support for yourself as well to help them both through this.

So sorry you're in this awful predicament. I hope it gets easier for you.

[Casehardened]

Hi,

You are in a truly awful situation and I really don't know what to advise except that it might be best to make haste slowly.

As Music Lady says, the 'at risk' situation no longer applies especially as your daughters are no longer minors and now that the floodgates have been opened further discussion with them may make things clearer.

It would seem from your first paragraph that the girls must have talked between themselves about this previously before telling you but whether this suggests corroboration or collusion I wouldn't like to guess.

I do agree with your view of not informing the authorities (which inevitably means police with all the baggage that will entail) on the other hand this decision may be taken out of your hands; are either of the girls likely to do this or are they satisfied now that your husband has left? i.e. might this have been their objective.

[Rights Fighter]

This is a terrible situation for you to be in. If you believe hubby then you need to work out in your mind why the girls would lie. What motive would they have especially after such a long time.

On the other hand you cannot risk losing your daughters if they are telling the truth. Most people when faced with such allegations will deny them initially often going as far as trial (and some get away with it too as we know).

[confusedmother]

thank you all so much

During this week we have talked so much and gone through so many different emotions. I have been very honest with my eldest daughter and she agrees that it was one situation, one time when she fell asleep in our bed and cold possibly have been a terrible mistake with him thinking it was me (and touching me in an adult appropriate way) but him being too drunk or too tired to realise this.

However, the problem remains she believes he did his and whether by accident or not she doesnt think she can live with him again. She wants him to be accountable, to recognise and acknowledge what he did so she can move on but although he has apologised if it happened when he was drunk, he still has no memory of this and she cannot accept that, making his apology worthless.

Obviously i cannot allow him home all the time she feels uncomfortable yet i feel she needs to speak to him face to face for them to see how the other is feeling. Can we do this without outside help? I really dont know. I am struggling with how i feel too. I have asked, and she has told me she isn't saying it to be vindictive and her sister seems to have completely dropped her allegations.

Who would be 'safer' or best qualified to approach Samaritans or victim support? Any other advice would be gratefully received. hank you so mch

[Rights Fighter]

Is somebody pushing her to do this?

If this really did happen and it was deliberate I can't see that it would be a one-off event. Deviants don't stop at one event unless the course of conduct is stopped for them by reporting it. That didn't happen here.

Does she really want to go through the investigation process, the court process (as it could escalate that far without much difficulty) with the possibility of him going to prison on a genuinely drunken mistake?

Or does she want him out of the house and here's a damn good reason to remove him? I can understand a misunderstanding if he had had too much to drink and either girl shared the marital bed with you when they were younger. I can't believe that he would not continue with this course of conduct if it was deliberate given the opportunity was always there.

[confusedmother]

Is somebody pushing her to do this?

If this really did happen and it was deliberate I can't see that it would be a one-off event. Deviants don't stop at one event unless the course of conduct is stopped for them by reporting it. That didn't happen here.

Does she really want to go through the investigation process, the court process (as it could escalate that far without much difficulty) with the possibility of him going to prison on a genuinely drunken mistake?

Or does she want him out of the house and here's a damn good reason to remove him? I can understand a misunderstanding if he had had too much to drink and either girl shared the marital bed with you when they were younger. I can't believe that he would not continue with this course of conduct if it was deliberate given the opportunity was always there.

Rights Fighter this is exactly why i believe it was an accident if it indeed happened at all. She is angry at him for upsetting me in the past, while we were helping him deal with problems from his ex wife and my step children. Or marriage was up and down while he tried to make up for lost time with his other children a the expense to me and mine. I too believe he would have made numerous attempts if this was his nature but she says he has never done anything else to make her feel uncomfortable other than tell her as a teenager she was just like me and pat her backside on maybe 2 occasions, as dads do, - in front of me.

She says he never spoke to her, or threatened her then or any time since and truly i believe if it happened he must believed he was touching me in our marital bed. She feels angry and humiliated now that he doesnt remember but why would he if it 'normal behaviour' between he and i.

I don't believe she has been coersed. I do believe something happened to her because she is so staunch and we used to have people stay regularly so i am angry and wondering if i could have been one of them.

She knows how far reaching and devastating things could be if she reported to the police, how we would all be pulled apart emotionally and financially and she really doesnt want to pursue that course of action. He in turn is devastated saying he would never do this to his daughters and he has no-one except me to talk to.

She just doesnt want him home and i dont see how we can get to the bottom of this. So i have to stay separated from the man i love and believe, forced by my angry upset daughter whom i also adore. There are so many 'what if's' about all this. I am wracked with guilt for both of them going through this. I don't want to lose my marriage or my daughter. My other 2 kids want their Dad home and still i am no closer to knowing who i can confide in for advice....

[Rights Fighter]

Well she's got what she wanted - him out of the house. He's not out of your life though. I think she's feeling humiliated because she's got it very wrong.

Is he renting his own place? Can you go and stay with him a few nights a week? If you can have some serious private time with him at least you won't have lost the man you love.

[confusedmother]

Well she's got what she wanted - him out of the house. He's not out of your life though. I think she's feeling humiliated because she's got it very wrong.

Is he renting his own place? Can you go and stay with him a few nights a week? If you can have some serious private time with him at least you won't have lost the man you love.

Hubby is seriously struggling with this. We all feel raw. He is having to look for a place but he says he cannot face her just as she cannot face him. He wants to come home but the impact for the future is immense and he is scared. Will she have an outburst in front of our friends and family and what about when she has kids? Will he be forced out of family events forever. He cant cope with that. I wish my kids were all 3 years older and i could leave home to be with him. He doesn't want to split me up from my kids but he doesnt think he can hold on indefinitely for her to see things in a different light.

Ive never seen him cry so much and his health is being affected even after just a week and for her 'just a week' is not enough time to see things more clearly. If only we could put our life experiences into perspective at a younger age, but I understand how she feels too. She feels lost and alone, that I don't believe her and that my marriage comes before her pain and her belief of the situation. nnnyyyyaaaaaaarrrrrhhhhhhh I just want to scream a them both...

[Casehardened]

She feels lost and alone, that I don't believe her and that my marriage comes before her pain and her belief of the situation.

Could you stress that you do believe her but you also believe what you have earlier suggested; that your husband wasn't aware at the time that she wasn't you.

Incidentally I concur with Rights Fighter's opinion that if the incident was deliberate it would have been repeated; there is usually a pattern of offending, so you are justified in your belief in what your husband has told you.

As your daughter is now 22 she is quite able to live independently and indeed you might well find that if she splits you and husband up she then will move out (to live with a boyfriend?) so, as I mentioned in my previous post, don't make any hasty decisions just now while everyone's emotions are high.

[confusedmother]

Could you stress that you do believe her but you also believe what you have earlier suggested; that your husband wasn't aware at the time that she wasn't you.

Incidentally I concur with Rights Fighter's opinion that if the incident was deliberate it would have been repeated; there is usually a pattern of offending, so you are justified in your belief in what your husband has told you.

As your daughter is now 22 she is quite able to live independently and indeed you might well find that if she splits you and husband up she then will move out (to live with a boyfriend?) so, as I mentioned in my previous post, don't make any hasty decisions just now while everyone's emotions are high.

Going to see doctor later, this whole thing has me and hubby in a tizz, having panic attacks and chest pains. Every time i look a her i burst into hysterical tears for not being there for her when she says it happened and for the pain i feel that hubby is forced out - i miss him so much.

I have old her exactly that and she says she believes it was an accident but she is imagining all sorts about if he comes back... passing in hallways and or rooms are adjacent. All unfounded but all real to her.

I know my daughter hurts too and you are right she is talking about moving out but in 2 years. i dont want to make her jump ship if i bring him home soon but i also feel she is being unreasonable (or am I?) not even allowing me to invite him round to talk. He maintains he has no memory of this what so ever and he believes she will never be satisfied with that and by coming home i will just force her out. He doesnt want to cause any more upset.

Seems most CSA support groups adamantly believe the accuser but i need someone to speak to her objectively and help her see that maybe he isnt the deliberate child abuser she seems to want to believe he is. I understand she needs support to understand and cope with the anger, pain and animosity she feels though.

just feel so bloody useless and lost...

[Casehardened]

Seems most CSA support groups adamantly believe the accuser but i need someone to speak to her objectively and help her see that maybe he isnt the deliberate child abuser she seems to want to believe he is. I understand she needs support to understand and cope with the anger, pain and animosity she feels though.

The problem is that you are in the middle of this situation through no fault of your own and it may even be that your daughter puts some of the blame on you as unjust as this is (for being out that night) and are too close to both parties. It is not fair to ask you to believe one side or the other.

The other problem is that any professional you discuss this with may feel obliged to pass the information on; but just wondering if there is another close member of the family (her favourite granddad for example) who you could trust with this information and who she could talk to about it. It may be that just chatting with an 'independent' person may help her unload her emotions.

[confusedmother]

The problem is that you are in the middle of this situation through no fault of your own and it may even be that your daughter puts some of the blame on you as unjust as this is (for being out that night) and are too close to both parties. It is not fair to ask you to believe one side or the other.

The other problem is that any professional you discuss this with may feel obliged to pass the information on; but just wondering if there is another close member of the family (her favourite granddad for example) who you could trust with this information and who she could talk to about it. It may be that just chatting with an 'independent' person may help her unload her emotions.

Thanks casehardened , there isnt anyone else we can talk to. Already spoken to my parents so thats exhausted our options. Landed up telling the Dr and he wants to see us both soon. He asked if she is in danger and she's not. I feel so angry and frustrated. I want to believe them both and theyve both lied to me in the past. Kids as kids do but he has lied about other personal stuff.

Can't sleep and feel totally sick. She has me over a barrel and i've had to tell hubby to move on. Its only early days i know but she is staunch. Getting counselling could take months. She threatening to take her siblings if i take him back any time. One minute she seems sympathetic then the next angry and certain he knew what he was doing, which i guess is normal. Trouble is i just dont feel i can live like his, without him.

Oh god, it seems so indulgent of me, i dont mean to feel sorry for myself and angry at her but i am. I want to shake her and tell her she's wrong but then i want to hold her and tell her im so sorry for all of this too. And yet I know much worse things have happened to other people so why should anyone care about this... if only he answers were clear...

[whatsgoingon?]

Hi confusedmum. Welcome to the forum.


Did your daughter say to you at the time - Daddy hurt me, or Daddy put his hands down my knickers? Did she seem frightened or wary of him?

There is something called false memory syndrome, you might find that the more you try and find out the more 'false memory' you stir up.

At the moment, you're in the middle of a hornet's nest... everybody's got you jumping and the situation seems to be escalating at a rate of knots.
I think I would be tempted to step back from the situation. I'm not suggesting that's going to be easy, but it's the only way you're going to stay sane.

[confusedmother]

Hi confusedmum. Welcome to the forum.


Did your daughter say to you at the time - Daddy hurt me, or Daddy put his hands down my knickers? Did she seem frightened or wary of him?

There is something called false memory syndrome, you might find that the more you try and find out the more 'false memory' you stir up.

At the moment, you're in the middle of a hornet's nest... everybody's got you jumping and the situation seems to be escalating at a rate of knots.
I think I would be tempted to step back from the situation. I'm not suggesting that's going to be easy, but it's the only way you're going to stay sane.

Hi Whatsgoingon? No, there was never any mention of this from her as a child. She says she had the realisation and feeling something happened (when she was younger) aged about 14/15 and has felt bad about it ever since. She has added this anger to the anger for his poor treatment and lack of appreciation of me but is angry and frustrated that he is not acknowledging this, saying he doesnt remember/ it couldnt have happened. She is making herself paranoid now that other things may have happened but she didnt know, or if he comes home perhaps he could start again because no one believe her this time.