Struggling emotionally.....

[Steve H]

Hi,

6 months ago my soon to be ex wife split up from me after I woke her up with sex. This was a fantasy of hers, that she discussed and bought up and we had done several times previously. At the time of first discussing it, I repeatedly asked her about consent. She had been repeatedly abused as a child and I was very sensitive to her sexually, helped her through a lot of issues and when she had PTSD flashblacks I just held her and loved her through them. I asked her how she can give consent if she is asleep and in particular wouldn't it feel like I was raping her? Her response was I am giving you consent, my body belongs to you. The first time I woke her up with sex I was very careful to ask, was it ok? She said it was and on the various occasions afterwards I always checked. The last time however she said wtf do you think you are doing? I stopped immediately and apologised.

She went to the police the next day to report that I had raped her but didnt want to press charges. For 4 months afterwards she was telling me she couldnt decide whether to press charges or not. It all began to feel like a power game. She initiated sex with me on 3 different occasions after she had moved out and had an orgasm each time. It felt very connected and right. Throughout the 4 months I asked her whether she had told the police about her fantasy and then later whether she had told them she had initiated sex after we had split up, to which she said yes she had and the police had advised her it was still rape.

So in March I have had enough of her playing power games and using the threat of prosecution as a weapon and decided I wanted to get divorced. I strongly suspect she has Borderline personality disorder and that in spite of all my love and support to do with her 4 year sexual abuse as a child that I was paying the price for her abuser.

a few weeks later the police came and I was gobsmacked at the lies she told. I still cannot get my head around the fact she completely omitted being woken up by sex was her thing. She also denied that we had sex 2 months after we split up and that she initiated it.

I am struggling emotionally with the betrayal, the lies and accepting that she could actually think I raped her. I am very pro women and pro womens rights and have actively called other men out on some crappy attitudes to women, so being accused of rape is the total opposite of who I am as a person and my beliefs and values. I know people will believe her. Whilst she has lost a moral battle by lying, firstly by ommision then by direct denial. I have got a lawyer and am now waiting to see whether the CPS are going to go forward, but none of that helps me deal with the fact that someone I loved and trusted thinks I raped her. I just dont know how to process that emotionally :-(

[lawlessone2009]

This is going to be so borderline if it ever hits a courtroom that I am not sure how to advise.

I am assuming that you have admitted, during interview, having sex with your wife whilst she was asleep in order to wake her up?

It's also not going to sit very well that you are now divorcing her.

The prosecution will have a field day with this one. Do you have a solicitor in place? Did you have a solicitor during interview? Are you currently on bail or have you been charged?

I can't quite understand how you are going to argue against the definition of rape and the situations where a rape is said to have taken place. If you do not already have a solicitor then I would highly recommend you post your 'county' (not your town or city!) up so that someone can advise you on who to use.

There is alternatively this thread if you wish to have a look for yourself without posting your county here:

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...ist-solicitors

If what you've detailed is the truth then you are going to need an absolute expert in the field to put forward your defence. I am NOT questioning you truthfulness, I am attempting to subtly indicate that you are well in over your head. There are positives such as the fact you were/are married and it's not a one night stand for instance. There are probably many more positives but it depends on what detail you want to go into and just how positive those positives can be taken to be. The marriage itself is now in the process of divorce so although there is a positive to begin with there is now a negative which the prosecution will play on.

If you currently have a solicitor I would make absolute sure that they are the best available. If you don't have a solicitor then you had better find the best available.

I would recommend that you begin writing all your thoughts down on paper (avoid computers as they leave information trails!). Write all the details down, all the times things have been said, what's been said, what the implied and actual meanings of what's been said means, any possible meanings for each thing you identify. Brainstorm and don't be afraid of forgetting dates or times, just get it all down. Evaluate it and ask the questions you feel are relevant. Once you are at a point where you feel that you actually need answers in so far as how it fits into both the law and also the court system you will be ready to arrange to meet your solicitor and brief them on your position.

What you have detailed is potentially the nearest borderline allegation I have ever read on here. Where things go now depends on what you detailed in the Police interview.

[myhome]

Hi and welcome and thank you for sharing your ordeal. it is a very complicated case. I'm wondering why you have suspicions that you wife may have borderline personality disorder? This is a very complex mental disorder http://www.mind.org.uk/information-s...lity-disorder/ though this link could indicate some links.
I would suggest that you research the legal definition of rape - there are many websites which can help you with this and give you more information. Have a look at this one as a starter.... http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/rapeampsexualviolence2.php
Good luck and remember the police are not YOUR friends - they are HER friends MH

[is there justice?]

Hi and welcome

Please take LL1's advice. As the wife of someone who stuck his head in the sand and thought justice and common sense would prevail, I urge you to find THE best legal team available because you may need one that really fights your corner.

Because she has already suffered abuse that you were aware of, they may class her as vulnerable.

It won't be your wife's decision re pressing charges although it makes it more difficult if she doesn't want to go through with it.

Please, please don't think that we are condemning you. You acted in a way that she has previously enjoyed and encouraged, but this is a tricky situation and you need to be aware. The political climate at present is highly intolerant of any behaviour that can be interpreted as sexual wrongdoing.

Meanwhile if you have any evidence of her previous pleasure of similar, maybe a text or a love note, hang on to it.

Let us know how you get on.

[lawlessone2009]

I've had a little time to reflect.

My posting may seem condemning. I am sorry for that.

You're here for some help, guidance and advice. We can give that. The one thing you must do just now and before you do anything else is check out your solicitor. A run of the mill solicitor will not do. If your case hits a courtroom there are going to be incredibly complex legal arguments/questioning required and someone that is thoroughly versed with the law surrounding sexual allegations is an absolute must.

I have discussed your position with my partner who took a completely different position from myself and tended to indicate what happened was actually pretty normal and usual to a degree and that the 'consent' angle was more than acceptable in her mind. It really depends entirely on the complete circumstances but her opinion is that if she was sitting on a jury she would question why the case was even being heard.

Of course, I laid out the groundwork with her and she has only heard one side. I did add some speculation as to what the prosecution would put forward but clearly not enough to persuade her of guilt. You need to ensure that your legal team are able to do the same, they need to put forward the facts and circumstances in a very clear and easily understood manner which leaves no room for doubt. That is incredibly difficult in an evolving court case where everything is subject to change and misinterpretation.

The mental health angle may describe her reasoning but it is something that needs to be approached carefully. Evidence needs to be based on facts and not easily questioned as to its validity.

[Southwestaccused]

It is hard to process going from the most trusting and intimate relationship with somebody to them making the most horrendous accusations. Especially when as you say you see yourself as a compassionate person. Personally I now feel uncomfortable being alone with a woman for fear that whilst even if at the time you have great friendship and respect for each other we have seen first hand how people can turn on you.

That is something we will have to deal with eventually, number one priority is getting the right legal advice. Support is here, this forum is a real lifeline.

[Unhappy]

Hi,

6 months ago my soon to be ex wife split up from me after I woke her up with sex. This was a fantasy of hers, that she discussed and bought up and we had done several times previously. At the time of first discussing it, I repeatedly asked her about consent. She had been repeatedly abused as a child and I was very sensitive to her sexually, helped her through a lot of issues and when she had PTSD flashblacks I just held her and loved her through them. I asked her how she can give consent if she is asleep and in particular wouldn't it feel like I was raping her? Her response was I am giving you consent, my body belongs to you. The first time I woke her up with sex I was very careful to ask, was it ok? She said it was and on the various occasions afterwards I always checked. The last time however she said wtf do you think you are doing? I stopped immediately and apologised.

She went to the police the next day to report that I had raped her but didnt want to press charges. For 4 months afterwards she was telling me she couldnt decide whether to press charges or not. It all began to feel like a power game. She initiated sex with me on 3 different occasions after she had moved out and had an orgasm each time. It felt very connected and right. Throughout the 4 months I asked her whether she had told the police about her fantasy and then later whether she had told them she had initiated sex after we had split up, to which she said yes she had and the police had advised her it was still rape.

So in March I have had enough of her playing power games and using the threat of prosecution as a weapon and decided I wanted to get divorced. I strongly suspect she has Borderline personality disorder and that in spite of all my love and support to do with her 4 year sexual abuse as a child that I was paying the price for her abuser.

a few weeks later the police came and I was gobsmacked at the lies she told. I still cannot get my head around the fact she completely omitted being woken up by sex was her thing. She also denied that we had sex 2 months after we split up and that she initiated it.

I am struggling emotionally with the betrayal, the lies and accepting that she could actually think I raped her. I am very pro women and pro womens rights and have actively called other men out on some crappy attitudes to women, so being accused of rape is the total opposite of who I am as a person and my beliefs and values. I know people will believe her. Whilst she has lost a moral battle by lying, firstly by ommision then by direct denial. I have got a lawyer and am now waiting to see whether the CPS are going to go forward, but none of that helps me deal with the fact that someone I loved and trusted thinks I raped her. I just dont know how to process that emotionally :-(

Hi

I had a very similar experience with my ex-wife.

She told the police that I would wake her up for sex when I came home from wor late.

The CPS charged me with 5 counts of rape and I went through a 14 day trail and was found not guilty on all charges.

Rape is now I believe part of the divorce process for many women to get the husband out of the house and stop him having access to the children, which is what happened to me.

The Governemnt see rape as a women vote winner and the CPS have been given extra money to prosesute more men for rape as detailed in the following article http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-27726280

However, without independant witnesses or medical evidence the CPS will find it next to impossible to convince the jury that you are guilty.

The CPS are prepared to spend a lot of money to prove your are guilty for their polictical masters

What you will find the CPS will probably charge you with 3 counts of rape, and then concentrate their efforts in court to prove one count of rape occurred, which means the other charges are also true.

Most men who are found guilty of rape usually do not know or only meet the victim just before the alleged attack.

I have found it very difficult to find any husbands who have been found guilty of rape against they ex-wife.

[Steve H]

thank you

Thanks for all your support, I really appreciate it. I do feel I have been going through this alone. I have been very honest with my friends and family about what happened and they have been very supportive. Even my first wife has been supportive and having met my soon to be ex 2nd wife thinks shes completely nuts. But I havent been honest with people about the emotional toll its taken on me since I was arrested 2 months ago.

I do have a solicitor since February. I was arrested, bailed but not charged at the beginning of April. I was interviewed with a solicitor and told the truth, there is no need to lie and this was on advisement of my solicitor. Since arrest there has been no contact with my ex as part of the bail conditions although she has contacted me through a 3rd party on several occasions. I reported the contact to the police. When I spoke to police about this a month ago I asked them what the situation was expecting them to say they couldnt discuss an ongoing investigation. To my surprise the female detective told me they had reinterviewed my ex but she had no new evidence to add and it was my word against hers. She even ended the conversation by saying dont worry pet, we have to refer it to the CPS but it should all get sorted soon. I know the police are not my friend here but her tone was not what I would have expected.

I have got a 15 page witness statement prepared and also back in February I recorded some phone conversations with my ex where she admitted both being woken up by sex was something we had done before and also that we'd sex after we split up at her initiation. She even said "my body belongs to you" and that she knew there was no intent from my side to hurt her- 3 months after she said I raped her.....seriously wtf??? The problem is the recording is unlikely to admissable in court because I didn't tell her I was recording her.

I dont believe there is a cats chance in hell that I will be convicted. I am hoping that the CPS will just take a look at it and throw it out but I am prepared should they charge me and it goes to court. All along I had hoped that my ex would come to her senses and realise that I didnt rape her. But now I now she has lied repeatedly to the police and has backed herself into a corner.

So basically legally I feel well covered and represented by someone that has defended cases like this before. As I said its more that I am struggling to understand and accept that someone whom I loved deeply could treat me like this. The shame, betrayal and humiliation I feel is so difficult to handle.

But this support forum does help as I can see I am not alone :-) Thank you xxx

[Unhappy]

Hi

I had a very similar experience with my ex-wife.

She told the police that I would wake her up for sex when I came home from wor late.

The CPS charged me with 5 counts of rape and I went through a 14 day trail and was found not guilty on all charges.

Rape is now I believe part of the divorce process for many women to get the husband out of the house and stop him having access to the children, which is what happened to me.

The Governemnt see rape as a women vote winner and the CPS have been given extra money to prosesute more men for rape as detailed in the following article http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-27726280

However, without independant witnesses or medical evidence the CPS will find it next to impossible to convince the jury that you are guilty.

The CPS are prepared to spend a lot of money to prove your are guilty for their polictical masters

What you will find the CPS will probably charge you with 3 counts of rape, and then concentrate their efforts in court to prove one count of rape occurred, which means the other charges are also true.

Most men who are found guilty of rape usually do not know or only meet the victim just before the alleged attack.

I have found it very difficult to find any husbands who have been found guilty of rape against they ex-wife.

Hi

From my own experience do not have any contact with your ex-wife as she can have you held in prison on remand.

Your ex-wife has played her ace card, which is rape and you cannot beat it.

I would just stay low and do not tell the police or anyone else that the case is causing you any mental problems.

As if you are charged the police could take you taken into custody saying you may harm yourself.

When it comes to rape cases you will see the other side of the police.

They will do anything they can to convict you.

Including listening to your phone calls, reading your emails and producing witnesses saying that I you confessed to them to commiting the crimes.

I know as it happened to me.

If you do go to court the CPS may say they have evidence against you when being cross-examined just to see if you the confess to the crimes.

This happened to me as the CPS said they had medical evidence from my ex-wife proving she was telling the truth.

However, after almost 2 weeks the CPS Barrister in his closing speech told the jury that there was no medical evidence aginast me, which was an instant GAME OVER and I was found not guilty.

As no jury will ever find you guilty just on the word on the alleged victim.

[lawlessone2009]

Thank you for adding the extra info. I was in the wilderness and making a lot of assumptions, it is excellent that you've covered the doubts. You also appear to be up for battle which is absolutely fantastic.

You've done leg work too!

I had serious worries about the chances of a defence. I am not now saying that anything is guaranteed but the extra info has caused me to re-evaluate and view things in a far more positive light. You're in a far better position than I initially feared.

You are certainly not going through it on your own, so many others are currently going through it or have been through it. Those of us that have been through it are still dealing with so many issues and have so many questions left unanswered. Normality will no doubt return one day.

How is your actual health? You said that you are struggling emotionally, I am assuming depressive episodes, extreme anxiety and general crazed numb brain and body? Lack of sleep? There must be a book written on all the horrors that happen to the body when faced with these allegations. Many members can recommend various ways of dealing with things from fun random days out to happy pills from the doctors. It could be worth your while having a Google and reading about stress/anxiety/depression and then spending a little while figuring out what suits you as a person.

If you are at crisis point then get the pills from the doctors! I was dead against that route but by god was I soooooooooooo happy when the pills started to work and finally the 'edge' was taken away. It gave me time to think, to think PROPERLY and then evaluate 'what next?' Over time I've tried so many different things and have begun to settle but it still takes very little to catapult me back to where I was.

What is happening with you is going to take a very long time for you to get over. If there is the added stresses of a court case then the healing will take longer still and your body will be a tensed up wreck by the time it's all over.

At the moment you need to do as much as possible to avoid high pressure/high stress situations be they at work or in your private life. Move things into the 'slow' gear or even 'idle'. There is plenty of time in life to deal with the big stuff so make sure all the small stuff doesn't mount up just now. I find it helps to write a weekly plan of all the boring stuff that has to be done and then adding in a few extra things that need to be done (deal with a parking ticket, phone and pay that bill etc) but then dropping a 'treat' in for when they are actually done. Keeps the encouragement going and attempts to thwart depression.

There's no sure fire way.

[Rights Fighter]

Hi


As no jury will ever find you guilty just on the word on the alleged victim.

Wrong. I have visited too many people in prison protesting their innocence where they have been convicted on the word of the complainant alone. The judge in summing up such cases will say along the lines of:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You have heard the evidence. There is no more. In this case the evidence is what the complainant has told you, and what the defendant has said in his defence. It is up to you to decide who is telling the truth. Who is the more credible witness......"

[myhome]

As no jury will ever find you guilty just on the word on the alleged victim.

Completely concur with RF. That quote is completely erroneous.
I went to billykickass's trial to support him and his family. I had never been to a trial before and was completely stunned to hear the Judge say, "Miss X says she was raped by Mr Y. That is her evidence. Mr Y says he did not rape Miss X. That is his evidence." Up till then I always thought that "evidence" was something that could actually be seen, or proven, not something that someone decides to say!!! (billykickass got 2 NG btw).

[thisisinsane]

Hi, as you are suffering emotionally i can only advise you not to suffer in silence as thus may worsen or cause a severe depression. I'm not an expert but as my friend has been accused by his daughter he has felt betrayed too, i think everyone who was accused feels like this. However as she is/was your wife you may feel betrayed even worse.
After a horrible two months my friend spent thinking about how and when to kill himself because he couldn't handle this anymore i forced him zo go to the GP. He was given antidepressants and whats more important he was given an appointment with a counselor or therapist. Hes attended the meetings and i think it has helped him cope.
Also opening up to me telling me the truth helped him cope. I think i saved his life... if you have a friend or family member you can trust you should consider telling them how you feel as they will be able to just stop bx after wotk and give you a hug when you need it.
Last buz not least there are the samaritans who are people trained to listen to you and not judge or advise you jn any way. You can call or email them and you will usually get a reply back within 12-24hours.

The best advice i can give is dont keep it all to yourself. Go out keep yourself mind and body busy, and dont stay inside the house just because you're feeling paranoid. If you don't write all that down or tell it to someone you will most likely end up with a severe depression or even worse mental health problems.

Also though i cant speak for everyone here you can message people here privately. This is a support forum and everyone here is supposed to do exactly that and i think everyone wants the best for you here. Just message them if you fwwl the need to talk but cant tell your family and friends.

[Steve H]

Case dropped

Hi all,

It is with great relief that the police decided not to send the file to the CPS as it didn't meet their threshold test. Basically my S2BX finally admitted that my statement was truthful.....and therefore what the police said to me is that she was not credible as a witness.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from shoulders and faith has been restored that at least in my case and that simple facts were enough to get it dismissed.

I want to say thank you to you all for your support and advice. I am feeling much more emotionally secure and eager now to move on with the new life I have been building. It has also taught me many life lessons :-)

Thanks all

xxx

[Rights Fighter]

If they have come to the conclusion that she is not a witness of truth then ask if you can be No-Crimed as opposed to NFA'd. Also ask what are the prospects of her being prosecuted. People like her make it a thousand times more difficult for genuine victims.