Falsely accused need advice and someone to talk to

[Pudsey]

Hello all, I don't really know where to start or how to begin, but here goes.


My wife and I married last July (2012) We have 3 children (10yrs, 18mths and 18 weeks). We have had ours ups and downs, abnd enough to cover everyone else here too, last may I made a 'BAD' call and pushed my wife out of my way so i could leave during an argument. Police were called and I was arrested... pleaded guilty to the charge of assult.

Febuary this year We started to live seperatley. 2 weeks ago i had appointments to attend, my wife called and said she needed me, when asked she could not tell me a reason. Later that evening i had emails and txt messages saying that she was cancelling the mobile phone contract, bank cards and direct debits that were in my name. All of which she did. That was Wednesday night. Thursday i heard nothing, until 11pm when i had a knock on my door... Police I was arrested on suspition of anal rape, dating back at from 1 week previous all the way back to our wedding night!

The police seized my laptop and mobile phone, I was held for 18 hours before being interviewed, held for another 3 hours before being released on bail pending further investigations. Also told not to have contact with my wife or Any of my friends (as they could be witnesses) No contact with the children because S.S involved due to the history.

I feel lost, confused and helpless.... Since being bailed my wife has tried to contact me (phoned me, txt me and sent me a friend request on facebook).

Now I know that assult and domestic abuse are horrid things for anyone to go through and I know the effects first hand (My assult, and also the control my wife has used over me) But i really don't know how to cope with this.

I am 29yrs old, Have witnesses for at least 1 of the alleged incidents. But still i am on bail, still my laptop and phone are being examined! surely if i had done what i am accused of there would be medical evidence as the last date i am accused of was less than 10 days from when she reported it.

I explained that we had argued the day before and that my wife had cancelled the phone, bank and DD's, but still the police seem to be taking her side.

Can anyone help?

PLEASE..... I haven't been able to sleep for almost 2 weeks now, i have nightmares when i do drop off, my mind is racing all the time!

I Love my wife soo much, i miss my children and my wife soo much! Yet i know i am alone and that this is probably the end of our marriage and all before our 1st anniversary

Sorry to drag on....

but thank you for taking the time to read about my troubles.

[whatsgoingon?]

Hi Pudsey, Welcome to the forum. I feel your anguish, it must be terrible for you to have had to leave children and to be isolated like this. There are people on here who have been or are going through very similar situations , who i'm sure will give you the benefit of their experience.

As far as not being able to see your friends... is this in black and white on your bail conditions? If not, then you are free to see who you like.

As far as medical evidence goes, I'm not sure about that. If she's previously had anal sex, unless it was violent, there wouln't necessarily be signs of rape. A forensic report would be inconclusive. But why would anyone wait this long to report rape that started happening a year ago?

You say your wife has tried to get in touch with you including asking you for a freinds request..... make sure you keep a record of these, don't delete them, take screen shots and keep safely on a USB key. You'll obviously need to use someone elses computer to do this. For the phone messages, your server should be able to give you a record of messages.

Do you think your wife may be suffering from Post Natal Depression? She's had 2 children very close together and one is still tiny? If she's trying to contact you it may be that she's confused. Whatever her reasons, though, she's started the ball rolling now and your defence comes first.

Were you assisted by a duty solicitor when you were arrested? I highly recommend you look around for and make preliminary contact with a specialised solicitor. Look for the thread 'specialist solicitors' under Useful Information. I cannot stress enough how important it is to be represented by a competent, experienced legal team.

Take care
WGO

[is there justice?]

Hi Pudsey

Again, I'm sorry to see a new face here but it's the best place if you need advice, moral support or just a place to let off steam.

WGO has, as always, given you excellent advice. Copy and keep everything - you may not realise its importance at first. Get a relative you can trust to keep an eye on her fb and take screenshots of anything that may help.

Wilts wrote earlier that the police seemed to encourage this type of accusation when handling a physical assault complaint, at least with one woman he knows.

The shock will lessen gradually but all the anxiety, anger, tears, feeling lost, confused, difficulty in sleeping, concentrating etc is normal - you are not going mad.

Your wife is probably suffering too and may regret her accusation. WGO makes a good point about post natal depression. Don't break your bail conditions though.

The most important advice from WGO though is about having a great legal team and these will be the people that you give screenshots, copies of texts, emails to.

Keep your chin up and prepare for the long haul though hopefully it won't come to that.

[Pudsey]

My wife was diagnosed last year after the birth of our daughter with PND, but this time seems to have avioded it. That said she suffers from BPD (Boarderline Personality Disorder) a condition similar to Bi-polar or manic depressive.

I am struggling to understand any of this, but have been trying to keep records of things (Emails saying what she intends to do) also been keeping txt messages and such. The police as i said have my laptop and smart phone, my email address and password also.

I have a good solicitor who has advised me until they decide to charge, re bail or NFA me there is nothing to do but wait and hope.

I have a witness that i put forward as defence as they were in the next room on one of the alleged incidents.... Would this discredit my wife accusations or just that one?

How and why are the police taking this seriously, it is claimed almost a year ago it started, and the biggest give away to me is the fact my wife and I argued the night before she reported it all.

Womans aid are supporting her claims, as she was sexually abuse as a child herself.

It is good to know people are there (here) to support in this but

OMG please stop the ride.... I want off already :,(

I am angry and upset I have been accused, confused as to why she said these things.

Thank you for listening and for making me feel a little less alone

[myhome]

Hi and welcome to the forum - yours is a very very sad story and my heart goes out to you..... You have found a very good place here where you will get oodles of advice help support and friendship........

my email address and password also

.
Could you set up a Hotmail address in a fictitious name and new password and just give it to people/family you completely trust?

I have a good solicitor who has advised me until they decide to charge, re bail or NFA me there is nothing to do but wait and hope.

This is absolutely true and the interminable waiting is horrendous - but you can begin to collect all the info you can as WGO said. Store them somewhere safe and under no circumstances give any info to plod because they will either "lose" it, deny they ever had it, or go to your wife with it and she will change her story to fit - unbelievably FA's are allowed to do this

How and why are the police taking this seriously, it is claimed almost a year ago it started, and the biggest give away to me is the fact my wife and I argued the night before she reported it all.

The police have a duty to take every allegation seriously and investigate it thoroughly in case it is true. You and your wife know it isn't but plod doesn't. However, they have conviction targets to reach....................

OMG please stop the ride.... I want off already :,(

I can really feel for you - the emotions you are experiencing are extreme, and like a whirligig....sadly, they are "normal" in an abnormal situation. Many of us have got help from our Gp's, Counselling and herbal/alternative therapies. I can't recommend any of these strongly enough....you will need a lot of support to help you through this - it's impossible to say how long for - I know of someone who was No Crime in 5 days, someone else took 18 months to go to trial (2 Not Guilty verdicts); I'm 8 months in and no arrest........

I am angry and upset I have been accused, confused as to why she said these things.

The "why?" is what we'd all like to know because it would help us to understand and make sense of what's happening. However, this is one thing you mayor may never find out - in a few weeks' time you will probably stop trying to understand "why."

Thank you for listening and for making me feel a little less alone

No worries - we're all here for each other.....keep strong and keep posting and we'll help all we can......

[Pudsey]

Please help!

Thankyou all for your support and advice, but now i need more.

I had a phone call from a withheld number tonight, it was my wife. basically she said she had dropped the charges / with drawn the accusation. This was 3 or 4 days ago. she isnt meant to tell me, as there is meant to be no contact.

What happens now? What can happen now? I haven't been informed of anything from the police themselfs.

What do i do?

[myhome]

Hi - if there is meant to be no contact then I would say you sit tight with this information and wait and see what plod do next.....

if you go to them and say your wife has contacted you and told you that, and they don't know about it (she has lied once after all) you will have broken your bail condition and when challenged by plod she could deny she made the call and say you called her and tried to make her withdraw the allegation.....Also- if she has done this, plod has to decide what to do with her.....if she has admitted to lying, they could decide to prosecute her for perverting the course of justice/wasting police time. This can carry a custodial sentence or community service etc.

Do you have a record of the call? Was anyone with you when you spoke to her? If there are no witnesses it would be even easier for her to deny......

I am sure that you just want to go to the police with this and get it all stopped as soon as you can, but I would just be a bit cautious for a while. You could also tell your solicitor what has happened and see what their advice is..........

Good luck and I hope she is being genuine with her call and that the police complete their enquiries and present you with written documentation that allegations have been withdrawn very soon....

[lonley place]

I agree with MH she has given excellent advice, it could be a ruse by your wife to make things worse for you. LP

[Kermit]

Record everything

Record everything that your wife does in trying to contact you . Screen shots . If your bail conditions do not state your not allowed to contact people then you are free to talk to friends.

This site has given me strength with my partners case and i hate seeing new people on here, its a SAD WORLD !!!

kermits partner

[is there justice?]

I agree with MH she has given excellent advice, it could be a ruse by your wife to make things worse for you. LP

It's awful, the way we all have to think now but good advice nevertheless. It's probably more to do with her BPD though but don't risk it.

keep your chin up

[Pudsey]

After reading your advice, I contacted my solicitor. He said best to wait and see if plod make me aware "Offically" that the statement has been withdrawn.
Also he informed me that The charge may still happen if they feel there is a case.



2 Questions ;

1. Do Plod have to tell me the statement has been with drawn? If so is there a time scale?
2. If the statement that has been withdrawn is the only evidence they have how can this still be happening?


Social Services still won't allow me to have contact with my children because of the alligation.


Feel like any little hope I have is Slipping away and with it my innocence and freedom

[is there justice?]

The 'not knowing' is a killer.

I would take heart from the word 'plod' - no need for them to rush and they probably have more pressing things at the moment.

I hope you hear some good news soon

[Pudsey]

Not knowing is killing me, i'm not sleeping, eating properly. I have gone from 15 stone (222lbs) down to 14.2 stone (201lbs) in 20 days. I have mised important appointments as my diary is on my phone, the back up is on my laptop (both of which 'Plod ' have) I've managed to be biled for some of this mised appointments so also now have debt of £600+


I feeling like I am losing control

[BlackLantern]

My wife was diagnosed last year after the birth of our daughter with PND, but this time seems to have avioded it. That said she suffers from BPD (Boarderline Personality Disorder) a condition similar to Bi-polar or manic depressive.

I am struggling to understand any of this, but have been trying to keep records of things (Emails saying what she intends to do) also been keeping txt messages and such. The police as i said have my laptop and smart phone, my email address and password also.

I have a good solicitor who has advised me until they decide to charge, re bail or NFA me there is nothing to do but wait and hope.

I have a witness that i put forward as defence as they were in the next room on one of the alleged incidents.... Would this discredit my wife accusations or just that one?

How and why are the police taking this seriously, it is claimed almost a year ago it started, and the biggest give away to me is the fact my wife and I argued the night before she reported it all.

Womans aid are supporting her claims, as she was sexually abuse as a child herself.

It is good to know people are there (here) to support in this but

OMG please stop the ride.... I want off already :,(

I am angry and upset I have been accused, confused as to why she said these things.

Thank you for listening and for making me feel a little less alone

First of all, hate to hear what happened.

You mentioned your wife has BPD, which used to go by a different name, one that others might be more familiar with, Multiple Personality Disorder. That is no small thing, and bringing it up in court if the case goes that far will help. You also need to make your solicitor aware of this, because it is a possible motive.

That being said, with her having BPD, you should be well aware that she could very well go back to saying you did rape her at a moments notice? Now my understanding of the disease could be outdated, but i'm sure you know about it better than the rest of us.

I know you love her, but for god sakes she charged you with rape. Regardless of why, her mental image of you must not be so great if her BPD is manifesting itself as these charges. If the charges have nothing to do with BPD, and our instead simply done of her own will in order to either A. screw you over, B. help win more during the divorce, or C. Gain custody, well then thats even worse.

You need to stay away from her, in order to avoid more charges. By all means still talk to her on the phone and through facebook and so forth (recording everything, and thinking carefully about what you say.)

in the end though, you should probably start seeing other people (and I seriously wouldn't mention the charges) because you can do better.
She may recant this time, but next time could be different.

She charged you with rape, and even beyond that, you two were already living separately beforehand. I think its safe to say your marriage isnt going so well anyhow, and only an absolute pathetically desperate loser would take a woman back at this stage. You ARE NOT a desperate loser. So don't think like one.

Now I know you need someone right now, so why not talk to your friends instead? I don't know much about the law where your from but, the all your friends as witness seems to me to be an empty threat legally unless they were specifically named. I don't think they can just say no talking to any of your friends (legally) because who defines friends? You should ask for a list of SPECIFIC people you are not allowed to talk to. If your law does allow for them to be non-specific and simply bar you from speaking to any friends, well, then that is just messed up beyond belief.

But please for the love of god, don't continue this dangerous relationship with your wife. what if in two years she pulls the same **** again? Or god forbid accuses you of doing something with the kids? It happens from time to time to help win custody. You may think she would never make up such a blatant lie, but before now I doubt you believed she would ever accuse you of anal rape either. If you go back to her, your setting yourself up to fail.

and most of all stay strong. and to deal with hostile people that may confront you about the charges, I would put extra emphasis on her mental illness, it will def help cast some shadows on her accusations, and although the common fold dont like to believe women sometimes make this stuff up, they are more willing to believe someone with Multiple Personality Disorder would make a lie like that up.


Don't give in. No jury in the world would believe her.

[Pudsey]

A song for anyone feeling lost like myself

I heard this today, but watching this i saw the words. And how they fit!!!!


I hope others can find a few minutes of peace with these words.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5y_KJ...e_gdata_player