Marital Rape .. another side

[lawlessone2009]

I can see so many many things happening here that it beggars belief.

The wife (soon to be ex) KNOWS about the conviction. She KNOWS the weakness. She KNOWS how to completely screw his life and get exactly what she wants, all the assets and the kids.

If ever there was a clear cut (in my mind) case of false accusation then this is it. I know that I am forever at the mercy of my partner and that if things go sour then potentially I could become a VERY easy target for her but I trust her 100% and don't believe she would ever consider a course of action similar to what is happening to your boyfriend.

It isn't just happening to your boyfriend though. It's happening to you now. His wife (ex) is potentially denying you the happiness and future that YOU deserve. She may well hate him but her chosen course of conduct is also having an affect on you. I am not even mentioning the consequences for his innocent kids in this situation as I would be here forever.

It appears to me that he is far better off being divorced from her. She is clearly a victim of societies present 'me me me' way of looking at life. I cannot possibly accept for a moment that he has raped her and yet all these things (kids, marriage, home) etc have been neatly slotted into the middle of it all.

No rape is 'minor'. If she has put the word 'minor' in the divorce papers then it beggars belief.

As for the previous conviction. It could well have been a 'plea of convenience' on legal advice of "you're screwed, go for discount". Without being privy to the details it is hard to actually understand the situation or indeed pass any form of judgement on it. It's happened, he's served his time and then got on with life. Does one conviction whether true or for other reasons actually make a person 'that' person for the rest of their lives? If the answer was ever to be yes then why release that person from jail??? Why grant them freedom? Why jail them to begin with if jail is not going to change them? Does punishment not deter re-offending and so jail technically becomes a pointless exercise because the 'law' has no alternative at their disposal?

I highly commend you for standing by him. You are clearly an extremely decent person. Many in your shoes would've not gotten involved or have ran a mile. You're looking for advice and support and help.

[jjhowsley]

Thankyou lawlessone2009
You have hit the nail on the head there with all you have said :-). The law does not make sense to me at all. yes she is messing with everything, there kids are 4 and 1 so she is trying to replace there dad but her eldest 2 are 11 and 10 and have known my partner as there dad from day one ... i cant see them accepting someone else with no fuss.
She knows all his background and she is using it against him 10 years later. I can imagine that this will be hard on him to even trust me in the future :-( although this is something i would never do to another human being anyone that makes these allegations are sick and i dont think most of them think.
I dont no most of the ins and outs of the previous conviction... i no it was 20 years ago and had alot to do with alcohol and drugs. He rarely drinks now but not sure if that the reason or not.
He has alot of meetings with the solicitor and his witnesses over the next 2 week. She only has her mum coming on as a witness. Her dad was supposed to be but has been withdrawn but my partner is asking if they can put him on (Don't no if this is good or bad)
the only medical evidence that we no is a small finger bruise on her upper arm ( one finger no other grasp marks )
The wife(ex) does not no about me and sometimes i feel like i should go down and speak to her with a tape recorder of course but i no this would probably just make things worse :-(. The only thing i can do is sit and wait and keep my fingers crossed and hope for the dancing bananas.

[jjhowsley]

Hi all
Well trial starts in 2 weeks :-( had a week off work which we have used to get things done in the house. One min my partner saying about things he wants to do and as soon as i mention something hes like well we will see i may not be here then :-( i am trying to be strong and positive but with his constant changes in mood i am finding it very difficult. He doesn't seem to think that i am going through anything at the moment and although he got a few meetings with sol and his different witnesses when i have mentioned being there to support him hes like oh no need anyway you have work.
Sometimes I feel he doesn't want me around, I am trying to be there and understand what he is going through but at the moment i feel like breaking down and crying :-( our cat had her kittens last tue and we lost 1 (runt of the litter, tiny) I just burst out in tears because of all the pressure. I wish i could click my fingers and come out the other side of this ...
He doesn't really want me or his mum to be in court but if we are not there how will we no whats happening. I don't no what to expect from court or what to expect of the next coupe of week. How long on average is a prison sentence for marital rape? I have read about people being locked up for 4 years and 14 I don't understand where these come from ... Very confused and emotions are running high and i just finding it hard to concentrate on anything :-( what to do?

[worriedgirl]

hi, you must both be feeling the pressure even more as the trial is so close now. I know the feeling of wishing you could click your fingers and be on the other side of it. It is very hard trying to support someone going through FA my partner has suffered depression and many a time said I may not be here then. anti-depressants did help him cope with his feelings. It must be hard for you wanting to be at court for him and him not wanting you there maybe he is just trying to be strong and thinks he is shielding you from it . Even though it is scary it will all be over soon and hopefully it will go the right way and you can start to get back to normal. sending hugs

[is there justice?]

Hi JJH

I really do feel for you both. He must be in absolute turmoil and panic now - even thinking of an answer for any of your questions, however simple, must be difficult if he's thinking of the trial. Then, as WG said, he probably thinks he is protecting you from any more hurt and pain. My hub says he can cope with anything as long as he knows I'll still be here for him and he won't make any medium term plans or talk about it much now. There is always the worry that there won't be the right outcome, the elephant in the room

I don't understand the ins and outs of sentencing although there are guidelines on the government site. I'm not sure they are too helpful without detailed legal knowledge.

I want to say 'please stay positive' but so close to trial I understand that this is massively difficult. I find myself planning for the worst even though I know he is not guilty.

There are some threads on here about Court which may help. Someone with more knowledge will probably answer soon.

I know I need a good cry now and then and it's normal. All your emotions are on edge.

In a short while this could all be over (should be over) and you can get your lives back on track.

[jjhowsley]

Well 1 week left till trial
things have calmed down alot met the barrister today for the first time statements paperwork facebook messages ect all gone through with a fine tooth comb. my partner appears more settled although if he is anything like me its really tying me in knots its just a strong exterior. My cat had Kittens last week her first litter and we have been so busy with them its been a welcome distraction. Still loads on mind and sleeping is not good but we are better than expected when people say it harder 3 week before than it is 1 week before I am shocked to find it really is

[myhome]

Hi jjh - it's good that you're feeling a bit calmer though I'm sure the tension is rising a tad.....we'll all be thinking of you and sending mega positive vibes to you both....and asking to visit to give you strength courage and justice......Mh....

[whatsgoingon?]

Hi all
Well trial starts in 2 weeks :-( had a week off work which we have used to get things done in the house. One min my partner saying about things he wants to do and as soon as i mention something hes like well we will see i may not be here then :-( i am trying to be strong and positive but with his constant changes in mood i am finding it very difficult. He doesn't seem to think that i am going through anything at the moment and although he got a few meetings with sol and his different witnesses when i have mentioned being there to support him hes like oh no need anyway you have work.
Sometimes I feel he doesn't want me around, I am trying to be there and understand what he is going through but at the moment i feel like breaking down and crying :-( our cat had her kittens last tue and we lost 1 (runt of the litter, tiny) I just burst out in tears because of all the pressure. I wish i could click my fingers and come out the other side of this ...
He doesn't really want me or his mum to be in court but if we are not there how will we no whats happening. I don't no what to expect from court or what to expect of the next coupe of week. How long on average is a prison sentence for marital rape? I have read about people being locked up for 4 years and 14 I don't understand where these come from ... Very confused and emotions are running high and i just finding it hard to concentrate on anything :-( what to do?

Hi jjhowsley, I've only just seen this (sorry) and some of the things are important and perhaps I can help. I've read from your last post that both you and your partner are feeling calmer and the kittens are taking your minds off things. That's great. It's not surprising things are difficult between you and your partner right now. I really wouldn't take it to heart, it's just that you're both suffering. What's needed is alot of love, patience and tolerance. It's not you, or him, when things aren't right, it's the situation which we all know is hugely stressful and distructive. You've been tremendous to support him this far, you and the other people who love him are keeping him going - you're saying 'You're worth it'. If you knew someone was suffering for you, how would that make you feel?

As for you and his Mum going to court ...DO! Obviously you can't go against his wishes, but I believe it makes a tremendous difference. For one he's not alone and he's seen to have support. The jury do notice these things. My husband and I took over a week off work to be in court with our son. We traveled from mainland Europe through thick snow and rented a flat in London for over a week (that was our annual holiday). I can tell you, I don't regret any of it - there wasn't a shadow of doubt our boy had people who loved and believed him and in him. It matters. If you can't take much time off, perhaps his Mum can go in most days and you whenever you can. Half days are also possible. As far as clothes for court go -clean and respectable - a suit isn't necessary. Jacket and tie is probably best, but your partner also needs to be comfortable.

Your barrister should be able to tell you what sentence to expect if he's found guilty. When you look it up on the CPS site there are agravating/mitigatiiong factors etc which can make it confusing.

Try to do enjoyable things together during this week which will bring you closer and make you feel good about each other.

[jjhowsley]

Hey Thankyou everyone
The comments really help and thankyou whatsgoingon i have a friend that i can stop with in the city and go 2 n half out of the 4 days. Things are tense and he asked me today if things dont go the right way what we were going to do i keep telling him we will deal with it if it comes to that... I still dont no what to say or do i am living things day by day we have this weekend which is going to be a weekend to try and keep his mind off things ( and mine) although i am working its getting to close now but he has a good case (according to sol ) he has lots of friends and family around him but he is not sleeping docs given him some meds so he gonna try them tonight everything crossed and thankyou all again

[whatsgoingon?]

I really feel for you, the tension and anxiety prior to court is enormous, but this is his moment to prove his innocence.

To quote Myhome at the begining of your thread: 'Why oh why did she marry him 5 years after he allegedly started raping her????????????? beggars belief really.......'

Juries aren't silly and it seems he's got a lot going for him. Don't be put off if there's a majority of females on the jury, women know how dispicable some women can be even if men are duped by them. Also, don't be surprised if there's alot of time-wasting in court on the first day.

When you feel up to it, have a look at the stickies section under General Information. There's a good one on tranfering accounts/giving power of attorney in case of sentencing, which is something that you should be aware of.

Having to work this week-end might be a mixed blessing, try and relax and treat yourself when you get home.
Big hugs

[jjhowsley]

thankyou whatsgoingon i will have a look just when things were getting a little easier i had a phone call today from the police at cpu they have decided now 4 days before first day at court to contact me to ask if i no about the accusation on my partner and to tell me they are informing social services as i have a 16 year old daughter. why now? its just stupid he doesnt live with us he doesnt stay the night and they feel i am now putting my nearly 17 year old daughter at risk ... why oh why cant they leave it at the moment :-(

[jjhowsley]

day 1

Well its first day of court tomorrow :-( think we are ready my partner has had every emotion going today his mum is a tower of strength and just so organised she has thought of everything and he is now chilling playing a game as best he can def here for the fight although have never been more scared in my life :-( does anyone no his trial is scedualed for 4 days is it likely to take the 4 days ? My partner seams to think it wont be as long

[Casehardened]

Very best wishes to you both for tomorrow; please keep us updated if you feel able to.

[frightened spouse]

All the best for tomorrow and the days ahead. It's great that your other half has you and his Mum to support him through this. Fingers crossed this time next week you'll be able to get your lives back on track.

Best wishes

Frightened Spouse

[myhome]

We'll all be thinking of you and sending massive positive vibes your way......asking to visit and stay with you for strength, courage and justice......fingers hovering over the dancing bananas.....