My 16 year old is accusing her step dad of rape

[dandare]

Im not sure where is best to start this but this is the situation now. My 16 year old daughter told me 2 weeks ago that she thought her step dad might have touched her when she was drunk (end of February 2013 , her story changed every time(now it has evolved to him rapeing her) i'd asked her but she said she wasn't sure until she had received a text message from his phone (telling me i should even phone it so i would see it was from his phone) my husband has been drinking the night these had been sent but i know he leaves his phone laying around if he is not working next day. After she told me this she left me house and has not returned to stay, i have asked her once 3 days after the allegation to come round and talk to me as i wanted her to realize the seriousness of these allegations and if she was certain this happened then the police would need to be informed, she told me she wanted no involvement with the police and would never forgive me if i called them. I was torn because i don't believe my husband did this, but i couldn't have this hanging over us either, also have a 2 year old daughter together. My daughter was sexually assaulted when she was 8 years old by a boy 2/3 years older than her, it can to my attention after i found sheets of paper in her room with 'i will rape you on it' in my daughters hand writing, i spoke to my daughter and she eventually told me what happened i then called the police and reported this. What she states happened with this recent apparent rape is exactly what happened to her back then, my daughter was never the same which i understandable and received no help or counselling and i was told at the time that the best thing to do was let it go! She was self harming at 12 and told her friends that i battered her and she was terrified of me all of which was lies (she still lies to her friends telling them i am physically abusive to her) and my husband wasn't even on the scene at this point. Like i have previously written i called the police and they brought social work into it and i was told that my husband had to leave the family home and was allowed no contact whatsoever with any child in our immediate family so he has no contact with our child (2 years old) or my stepdaughter (14) or my sons (10/11) that live here from a previous relationship. I also gave the police my Ipod which had her FB opened that also holds private messages stating she wanted to kill me and ruin my life and that she has me wrapped round her little finger and she know how to play me!! I know this is early days but finding this site/thread has shown me i am not alone and others are going through false claims. Police have still not contacted my husband and we are unaware of what will happen and also time frames, this is damaging to our other children and i cant explain to our 2 year old where her dad is. I am the surviver of a childhood filled with sexual child abuse and rape so i have experiance and both my abusers where charged and social work seem more interested in my childhood than this happening now. Thanks for any advice given.

[Don'tbelieveit!]

Hi there and welcome!

My husband and I are going through a very similar situation as you, yet I cannot state the differences or similarities due to the uniqueness of our case. We don' want the nosey becoming more nosey.

Anyway, it is a damn difficult situation especially as two people who are very close to you are involved and believe me, U nderstand how awkward it is to do the right thing - believeing your daughter but also your husband.

The first thing that sprang to my mind was whether this was an attention and jealousy thing on part of your daugther. You mentioned you have a two-year old with your hubby. Amybe she feels left out as obviously a toddler does require a lot of attention and looking after. Just a thought though.

A lot of people here will be able to help and support you. You are not alone even if you do feel lonely!

Take care xx

[dandare]

Hi there and welcome!

My husband and I are going through a very similar situation as you, yet I cannot state the differences or similarities due to the uniqueness of our case. We don' want the nosey becoming more nosey.

Anyway, it is a damn difficult situation especially as two people who are very close to you are involved and believe me, U nderstand how awkward it is to do the right thing - believing your daughter but also your husband.

The first thing that sprang to my mind was whether this was an attention and jealousy thing on part of your daugther. You mentioned you have a two-year old with your hubby. Amybe she feels left out as obviously a toddler does require a lot of attention and looking after. Just a thought though.

A lot of people here will be able to help and support you. You are not alone even if you do feel lonely!

Take care xx

Thank you for your reply, I also have 2 other kids from a previous relationship aged 10 and 11 that she is very nasty to but she loves the youngest child. This is not been easy but i know my husband never did this and my daughters story is so full of lies, she has even told the police that is happened at a totally different date to that she told me and my mum, but as i involved the police they are having to make inquires, i only involved them as i didn't want this coming back in the future and it being twisted that i did nothing. My children have never wanted for nothing as i raised them on my own before i met my now husband. Thank you for you support

[whatsgoingon?]

Hi dandare, welcome to the forum . I'm so sorry you find yourself piggy-in-the-middle in this awful situation. I think you have done the right thing by making your daughter's allegations known, though it can't have been easy . There will obviously be an investigation and it could last several months to many months ( 2 years). I'm afraid you'll need to be very patient and prepared to ride the storm. It's going to be extremely hard on your husband too.

I just want ot pick up on something you said 'social work seem more interested in my childhood than this happening now.' Could this be that this is because there is a theory that people who have been abused go onto abuse (rather than - amongst the people who abuse there is a certain percentage who were also abused).

I'd be very wary of what you tell social services - you just have to read other people's threads to see how cruel they can be.

All the best,
WGO

[Stunned9]

I'd be very wary of what you tell social services - you just have to read other people's threads to see how cruel they can be.

All the best,
WGO

This, SS act as if they're Gods. We have a few members here who had horrible experiences with them

Welcome and a big warm hello to you. Hang in there and keep your chin up. You will get through this.

[dandare]

Hi dandare, welcome to the forum . I'm so sorry you find yourself piggy-in-the-middle in this awful situation. I think you have done the right thing by making your daughter's allegations known, though it can't have been easy . There will obviously be an investigation and it could last several months to many months ( 2 years). I'm afraid you'll need to be very patient and prepared to ride the storm. It's going to be extremely hard on your husband too.

I just want ot pick up on something you said 'social work seem more interested in my childhood than this happening now.' Could this be that this is because there is a theory that people who have been abused go onto abuse (rather than - amongst the people who abuse there is a certain percentage who were also abused).

I'd be very wary of what you tell social services - you just have to read other people's threads to see how cruel they can be.

All the best,
WGO

Hi and thanks, i studied social care for over 3 years and know of this theory which absolutely disgusts me. I am now seeing how cruel SS can be but i had been asked questions to which i have replied honestly to, why is it because this happened to me as a child it is still haunting me as a fully grown adult who has done nothing but her best for her kids for 16 years mosely being a single mum!! I just feel if i hide my past they will dig up things anyway. I have no criminal record whatsoever and im doing my best to take each day as it comes. The posts that i have read today has shown me how long it can go on and my heart goes out to all people experiencing this horrid injustice, but we must be strong for our other children and families.

[dandare]

This, SS act as if they're Gods. We have a few members here who had horrible experiences with them

Welcome and a big warm hello to you. Hang in there and keep your chin up. You will get through this.

Thank you, it means alot to be able to communicate to others who understand the situation my family are experiencing. My husband and i (we have only been married 8 weeks) are receiving a great support from family and friends but this in itself is also a great support as members of the group who have/had 1st hand experience. Thank you all

[is there justice?]

Sending you positive vibes. I don't have any experience of your situation but it is horrendous.

[dandare]

Update.

We are now 7 weeks into this, husband still allowed no contact with kids and is up at court on the 22nd for pleading trial for 3 made up charges, he has not been charged with rape though. Had a Child protection conference last week which should me that we have no protection whatsoever, as they see my 16 year old a victim and have twisted things around to suit themselves, i was told by CPO that i am in denial and naive and they will need to work with me to train my thinking because i dont believe my husband did this horrendous act and that as im not on my daughters side i am a bad parent and they will work to build a relationship between us even though my daughter has stated to sw she want nothing to do with them or me. I was disgusted on how this CPC went that i had received no letter inviting only knew as my husband had told me about it, we arrived and social worker had no idea what room we were in and i had to tell her we were to speak to the head of the meeting first so we went into the conference room where everyone else was already in 10 mins before us, upon having to write our names down i noticed my daughters friends mum (who my daughter is living with) was on this signing sheet and was reading through the report that SW had made along with the professionals, we were then asked to go into another room to speak to the head of the meeting. While in this room i was asking why this stranger was in the room reading through my personal file and i was not informed she was/or even why she was present. The social worker had no idea that this woman was even in the room never mind she was reading through the report, i was told she wasn't but why is her name on the signing paper then, her boss swiftly told her to check and see if this had happened, minutes later she returned with the report stating "its ok i don't think she read to much", but she was in the room 10 mins before us and i know how far i had gotten. I was angry that this was allowed to happen!!! We were then asked to re enter the conference and this woman was asked to leave. From the onset i believe the police woman and child protection had made their minds up and the social worker twisted a conversation i had earlier that morning so all 3 wanted my children on the register, but the health visitor and school nurse said they had no reason why my kids should be on it, it was decided that as long as i stuck to the no contact with their dad/step dad they would not be placed on it at this time. Im so confused to why when i spoke about past problems with my daughter no one listened to what i was saying only to be turned around and twisted against us. So i now dont trust SW as ive seen how the work against you and im now wondering if it would be the best thing to end my marriage because as long as i support my husband we will be "worked on" by social work but if i do end it i am more or less saying i dont trust my husband!!!

[sparks]

I had a terrible time with SS and still am, please read the beginning of my story you will see how SS are, my wife also decided that separation was the road to take to get the children off the register to date they are still on it and I am in a different country, I really hope all works out for you and your family, I know what your going through.

Sparks

[dandare]

I had a terrible time with SS and still am, please read the beginning of my story you will see how SS are, my wife also decided that separation was the road to take to get the children off the register to date they are still on it and I am in a different country, I really hope all works out for you and your family, I know what your going through.

Sparks

Hi Sparks

Sorry it took so long to reply but i read through your story and i must say cried because of the pain and hurt you have undergone, its such a horrible injustice for someone who has not committed a crime. And who ever said innocent until proven guilty were obviously not in our judicial system or in ss supervision. I heart goes out you you and everyone that has been affected by this. I would like to thank you for telling us your story and i hope i can make the right decision for all my family including my husband x

[frightened spouse]

Hi really sorry for what you are going through at the moment but it's good news that you managed to stop the children going on the register. I am going through similar to you at the moment with allegations made by my daughter against my husband (her step father) which I know are totally untrue.

It is horrific the pressure put on families by SS so much for innocent until proven guilty, it certainly doesn't feel that way when your kids schools are informed of the allegations and there are social workers watching your every move.

It's horrible to feel a total lack of control and that you have no judgement if you're backing your husband even though you know the claims are lies. Effectively you are separated from your husband already as am I , as they are not allowed to live in the family home but that doesn't stop you backing him and believing he is innocent. I can totally understand why you were so angry that the woman your daughter is currently staying with was allowed to read your case notes , it sounds as if the social worker was embarassed they are sticklers for protocol but when they trip up and breach confidentiality they hope it goes unnoticed. Are you allowed contact with your husband I know some wives are not. If so it maybe worth having a discussion with him as a separation may lessen the pressure you're under until this is all sorted out, which I hope will be very soon and it doesn't mean you don;t believe him but might mean less upset for the children.

Sending you virtual hugs

Frightened spouse

[dandare]

Hi really sorry for what you are going through at the moment but it's good news that you managed to stop the children going on the register. I am going through similar to you at the moment with allegations made by my daughter against my husband (her step father) which I know are totally untrue.

It is horrific the pressure put on families by SS so much for innocent until proven guilty, it certainly doesn't feel that way when your kids schools are informed of the allegations and there are social workers watching your every move.

It's horrible to feel a total lack of control and that you have no judgement if you're backing your husband even though you know the claims are lies. Effectively you are separated from your husband already as am I , as they are not allowed to live in the family home but that doesn't stop you backing him and believing he is innocent. I can totally understand why you were so angry that the woman your daughter is currently staying with was allowed to read your case notes , it sounds as if the social worker was embarassed they are sticklers for protocol but when they trip up and breach confidentiality they hope it goes unnoticed. Are you allowed contact with your husband I know some wives are not. If so it maybe worth having a discussion with him as a separation may lessen the pressure you're under until this is all sorted out, which I hope will be very soon and it doesn't mean you don;t believe him but might mean less upset for the children.

Sending you virtual hugs

Frightened spouse

Hi FS

Yes i still am allowed contact, we have a supportive family and friend network, i may see him for 2 hours a week if were lucky. We have had that talk a few time but we feel we would be lying in someway and i am scared on how SS would twist it to look bad on him. The SW'r in question did try to make right after the meeting and said she didn't know how it happened, my thought is my invite was sent to her instead of me. In that SW office you have to show your letter to be taken in unless your a professional, she told me i could complain but offered no assistance on how this is done!! My kids will be upset either way i feel, our youngest is 2 and a half and not seen her dad for 7 weeks, he isn't even allowed to speak to them on the phone!! Thank you so much for your reply xx

[frightened spouse]

I totally understand how you feel it is like being between a rock and a hard place with SS there no obvious right thing to do to stop them turning the screw. As for a complaint I would wait until this is over and then if you've got the energy or the inclination, do it then. I have had problems with our SW and I just write it all down and when the time comes I will launch a rocket up her backside that she won't forget . Using official channels of course.

This all seems to have happened very soon after your wedding do think your daughter was jealous of your happiness and family unit ? Is your husband happy with his legal defence team ? It is good to hear you have supportive family and friends would any of them be happy to speak up for your husband in court ?

I really feel for you and your family and hope the right conclusion is reached. It is so sad for the children in this , my son just doesn't understand and I know it is really eating him up and making him angry. I do my best to cope as I'm sure you do but it's just a case of getting through and knowing there will be good times ahead on the other side

Best wishes FS

[dandare]

I totally understand how you feel it is like being between a rock and a hard place with SS there no obvious right thing to do to stop them turning the screw. As for a complaint I would wait until this is over and then if you've got the energy or the inclination, do it then. I have had problems with our SW and I just write it all down and when the time comes I will launch a rocket up her backside that she won't forget . Using official channels of course.

This all seems to have happened very soon after your wedding do think your daughter was jealous of your happiness and family unit ? Is your husband happy with his legal defence team ? It is good to hear you have supportive family and friends would any of them be happy to speak up for your husband in court ?

I really feel for you and your family and hope the right conclusion is reached. It is so sad for the children in this , my son just doesn't understand and I know it is really eating him up and making him angry. I do my best to cope as I'm sure you do but it's just a case of getting through and knowing there will be good times ahead on the other side

Best wishes FS

Hi FS

I will be doing the same with the complaints, as ive read so many stories about lodging a complaint and the SS getting even harder with you in defence of the wrong they have done. Yeah she hated the fact i was happy and she feels i ruined her first relationship as well. We have 4 other kids between 2 and 15 that are in bits and going through cycles of emotions as well. Yes he has a large family all who would stand up in court including young sister/nieces who are disgusted at my daughters claims, as well as our friends who have seen how my daughter has acted towards me. There are a few reasons why she could be doing this some extremely relevant but SS dont hear what i say just what they want to hear!!! If we all stick together then at least we have someone who understands this turmoil xx