Husband wrongfully accused of rape , don't know what to do!

[Worried wife]

Hello,

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Two weeks before we were due to marry, a girl who worked for my now husband accused him of rape. She had a few problems and both of us had been trying to help her, predominantly my husband. But it now seems clear that she had feelings towards him. She has a strong history of family and emotional problems, which we didn't know the extent of when offering her our support.

Needless to say I know he wouldn't do anything like this, and we are both distraught.

The police asked him to come in for questioning saying that she'd accused him of harassment , and when he got there they informed him that she had also claimed solicitation and rape. He was not not has he been arrested or charged, and was free to leave at any time.

After hours of being interviewed, he came home (completely free, not on bail or subject to any conditions)

We weren't sure what to do, and many police friends and solicitor told us that it was clear from their actions that the police were not taking it seriously and just had to 'tick the boxes'. We therefore decided to go ahead with our wedding as we did not want to give the girl any satisfaction of affecting us. We have now been married 5 weeks and the accusation is still ongoing, with the police only working on this case now and then due to 'lack of resources'. We are both really struggling and in absolute turmoil my husband is finding it so hard to be around anybody he asked me to stay elsewhere to give him space. We've now been apart 3 weeks and only seen each other once. I don't know what to do, I don't want to loose my husband and I just wish they would drop this so at least he could forget about the fear of being charged and focus on getting our lives back on track.

Are there any wives/ girlfriends out there , or husbands/ boyfriends that have experienced this or can offer any advice?

Thank you

[myhome]

Hi and welcome to the forum and really sorry you had to find us. You will get loads of support on here - emotional,, practical and legal. It's an awful road you're both on. I'm sorry I can't help with the relationship as I live alone - but I can understand your husband wanting his own space while he tries to sort out what's going on and the implications of it. Hopefully this will be resolved soon but be prepared for a long rocky journey.....

This is a really sad time for you in what should be the happiest time of your lives. It's great that you went ahead with your wedding....

Keep strong and keep posting and we'll help all we can.....

[scaredwife]

Hello,

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Two weeks before we were due to marry, a girl who worked for my now husband accused him of rape. She had a few problems and both of us had been trying to help her, predominantly my husband. But it now seems clear that she had feelings towards him. She has a strong history of family and emotional problems, which we didn't know the extent of when offering her our support.

Needless to say I know he wouldn't do anything like this, and we are both distraught.

The police asked him to come in for questioning saying that she'd accused him of harassment , and when he got there they informed him that she had also claimed solicitation and rape. He was not not has he been arrested or charged, and was free to leave at any time.

After hours of being interviewed, he came home (completely free, not on bail or subject to any conditions)

We weren't sure what to do, and many police friends and solicitor told us that it was clear from their actions that the police were not taking it seriously and just had to 'tick the boxes'. We therefore decided to go ahead with our wedding as we did not want to give the girl any satisfaction of affecting us. We have now been married 5 weeks and the accusation is still ongoing, with the police only working on this case now and then due to 'lack of resources'. We are both really struggling and in absolute turmoil my husband is finding it so hard to be around anybody he asked me to stay elsewhere to give him space. We've now been apart 3 weeks and only seen each other once. I don't know what to do, I don't want to loose my husband and I just wish they would drop this so at least he could forget about the fear of being charged and focus on getting our lives back on track.

Are there any wives/ girlfriends out there , or husbands/ boyfriends that have experienced this or can offer any advice?

Thank you

Hi WorriedWife

Sorry you've had to find us, but as has been said before, you will find an abundance of knowledge and support here.

My husband was also falsely accused, his case went much further than your husbands and went to trial earlier this year, when he was found not guilty.

The best advice I can offer is to be there for him when he needs you. Often my husband would shut down and refuse to talk about it at all, other times he would wake me at 3am because he did want to talk about it.

The waiting is the hardest part of these situations, and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Thankfully it does sound like the police are just ticking their boxes and nothing more will come of it.

I have been there, and lived the whole nightmare for over a year. We found out about my husbands accusation 2 and a half weeks after I gave birth to our first baby, and he got his not guilty when our daughter was 14 months. If you ever feel like talking, feel free to PM me xxx

[Worried wife]

Thank you both. As much as I am sorry there are other people that have had to go through these scenarios I am glad to read and hear from people who truly understand. Although we are lucky in the sense that all our family and friends that know are fully supportive, they just can't grasp it despite their best intentions!

Scared wife - very happy to hear you have gotten a positive result but sorry to hear that u also went through this at a time that is meant to be full of joy, I find that it has made me doubly resentful and hugely angry, two traits that I don't usually possess!, As we are losing a precious time in our lives we will never get back.If you don't mind me asking ( sorry I am unable to pm as of yet as such a new user) are they any lasting affects between u and your husband that have affected your relationship good or bad? My hb at the moment is devoid of any emotion, which I fully understand, but it's difficult as I feel completely alone and useless. He doesn't trust any females now and has even said it makes him scared that anyone could turn around and make a complet fabricated accusation, including me, which I know is not a doubt personal to me but just anyone.

It is still ongoing and as you say the waiting is awful, we just don't know what is going to happen next, last time my hb tried to chase up the police, they implied it was his own fault for trying to help and be friendly to such a girl! The other awful part is she is still loitering about, possibly taking my husbands company to a employment tribunal, and up until a couple of weeks ago was trying to state a case as to why she should be allowed to continue working there. ( my husband owns the company, so she knows full well he would be there everyday and seemed quite happy to want to work with him!)

Thanks again to u both scared wife and my home x

[cantgiveup]

Hi, as others have said, I am sorry you have had to find us, but it seems to me that no one but people on here have any real understanding of what we are going through, my partner has also been falsely accused, the waiting is unbearable, the lack of control is frightening and all you can really do is get through it. We are just over two months on from the initial accusation and NOTHING yet has happened, no bail, no conditions and we just have to wait and see if the procurator fiscal (we are in Scotland) will proceed with the charge. It could be weeks, it could be months and there is nothing we can do in the meantime.

My partner and I do not live together and initially we have had some really tough times, when he wanted to talk I couldn't, when I was ready to talk it upset him and he couldn't deal with me being upset. He went through a time of wanting me to walk away as he didn't want to put me through it, but the last week or so, things have been better between us, we can certainly talk more freely, even managed to enjoy each others company for a short while without thinking about it. Don't get me wrong things are not rosy but time is definitely helping, a few weeks ago I couldn't imagine having any kind of normality. Who knows what will happen next....

I hope things work out for you, give your partner space but make sure he knows you are there and believe in him. My partner has said since that his biggest fear was me not believing in him and us falling apart.

I can't remember whose good advise it was on here (there were a few) but try and set aside time in the day when you will not think about it and do something together, a walk, the cinema anything but devote some time to not thinking about it...I didn't think I could but after a few attempts we are getting there.

Take care, there seems to be lots of lovely kindhearted people on here who have good advise. CGU

[Worried wife]

Thanks can't give up, sorry also to hear of your similar situation and that it has gone on so long without much change from the police side of things. I worry so much how long they can let it drag out for and continue to cause damage and pain.

Comforting though to hear you are going strong still with your partner. I certainly hope and believe we can get through this, as long as he is able to move on from his pain from it all.

I think that's wise to have some time trying to be 'normal' for a time each day. Unfortunately I am not currently staying at home but we do speak every day and not always about this so I am hopefully the will aid our recovery !

Thank you for your advice and I wish you all the best


Xx

[cantgiveup]

That seems to be the hardest thing to cope with, how long things seem to take and there being nothing you can do about it.

It is really good you are talking about things other that this awful situation, we really (mostly me) couldn't to start with, my partner is very trusting by nature (probably what got him where he is in the first place) and although initially was wary of talking to me as his solicitor had advised him not to discuss with anyone what had happened in case it jeopardized any future defence (we live in a small community and the accuser and my family are all very close) he did decide to trust me and I am very conscious that I in turn have to be careful what I say to others. It took 3 or 4 weeks for us to talk properly about what had happened and we didn't see each other in that time either, although we did talk every day like yourself and husband.

I really hope it works out for you xx

[myhome]

The waiting is indeed awful - people keep saying to me, "Isn't there anything anyone can do to hurry things up?" There isn't. I'm 6 and bit months in - no arrest, no bail, no charge and OIC won't talk to me.......this forum and another have proved a godsend and lifelines for me. You will be very well supported on here..............................keep strong....................

[Worried wife]

Thank you MH and CGU. It really is just awful the authorities give you zero support or care or even indication or information of the process. I'm really hoping that we get an answer soon, maybe even in the next week, but maybe just wishful thinking as I have come to realise that even cases such as ours that seem to be obvious mis truths can continue for months. I just wish I knew what we were waiting for or what the next steps may be. Horrible to think that at the end of it there may be no comeuppance for the accuser either, does anyone have any knowledge on how likely it is that accusers get some form of punishment from the police either wasting police time or perverting the course of justice ?


I worry the longer it goes on the more my hb is able to wallow and become unemotional and untrusting. I also don't want to develop any resentment towards him for forcing us to be apart, I feel guilty for even thinking it !

[myhome]

I have been told that the less plod think the case is true (as in mine) the less important it is to them - no glory in not guilty verdicts or no trial even - so they tend to leave these to rot until they're bored with nothing else to do - on the other hand - some members on here have had obviously FA NFA'd quite quickly. It really is impossible to say.
Some False accusers get sent to prisons for up to 2 years but only if they admit to lying or definitely proven to be lying - a NG verdict doesn't end in recrimination for the FA unless lies are proven....and they get life long anonymity

Try to accept your husband need space right now - he's going through an unbelievable hell which is not of his own making and over which he has no control - believe me it is the worst place in the world to be....your own life being controlled by other people, the injustice and knowing you're innocent but being face with the prospect of having to prove it (despite what the law says).

You need to let him know you are there for him whenever he needs you. He may find it easier to talk if you ring him rather than the other way round....
BUT - you also need to build up a network of close and trusted friends who can support you - you need some time for yourself and to recharge your batteries - you can't be of help to either of you if you are emotionally exhausted too. Have you or your husband spoken to your GP? They are so often a great source of support and advice. many people have found counselling and/or medication a help too...
Hope this helps...... MH

[is there justice?]

Hugs to you WW

This sounds so like our own case and I really feel for you. It seems like it is a reflex action for some women to make FAs and as a woman that makes my blood boil. It even makes me wonder if she worked for your hub before working for us!

It is only now that we realise that helping somebody actually leaves you wide open to allegations and your 'good and kind deeds' can be misinterpreted.

Your husband is in a similar situation as mine, even a whiff of scandal can ruin the business, his good name not to mention freedom. However bad you feel, it is worse for him, a fact that my hub has pointed out on more than one occasion.

You do need to respect his need for space but, as someone who loves him and has a future with him, you need massive support too.

Having worked in HR for a number of years previously I found that tribunals were well aware of the frequency of false allegations and a financial reward is more likely through the criminal process.

Keep strong

[Faith]

The advice given is generally correct...if the allegation was being taken seriously, then an arrest would have been made fairly quickly.

Unfortunately, it's that vile Catch 22 situation...the less seriously they're working on it, the longer you spend in limbo, which is unfair. Try and get on with your lives as normally as possible.

And let me say, if you can survive this turbulent start to your marriage, the rest will be a breeze.

[Worried wife]

Hi ITJ , thank you and I'm sorry you're experiencing this too.

It's so disgusting, it's people like these FAs that make it harder for real victims to come forward too! Let alone what it does to the accused and family.
My hb has also said this many times to me, I do understand I can't imagine what it must be like for them as i feel I'm in a living hell! Something I'm not sure he fully understands, although I get why.
Info about the tribunal is somewhat comforting, she seems to have 'lost steam' recently and we are hoping she has decided against it, although its useful to know as I wouldn't put anything past her!

If you don't mind me asking what stage is your case at?

Also thanks faith, it does seem to be the general consensus that the allegation isn't going anywhere , just the long wait for the NFA, although there's always a worry in the back of you're mind no matter what people say. Does anyone have a 'rule of thumb' of time it can take when taken this lightly ? Or does it really just depend on the workload and when they get round to it? It's been two months since initial allegation and our OIC has taken two fortnight holidays in that period ( he is currently on one at the moment) which I think is awful!

Thanks again

WW

[myhome]

It's been two months since initial allegation

It's a real worrying time - especially when you don't hear anything in all that time.. I was interrogated by plod 6 and 1/2 months ago and have not been arrested or charged or kept up to date with anything unless I have asked...............every case is different so no "rule of thumb." I read of someone who was arrested 3 years ago and still hasn't been charged, but also of someone who was NFA'd in 6 weeks.................
hang in there...................

[Worried wife]

Thanks MH , sorry that you've been dealing with it for so long and I hope for a good result for you soon. The police have interviewed staff at my hb work and my hb and his sol sent in a 80 page dossier of evidence they collected themselves. The police have hinted that there is no more to do but reinterview the FA and show findings to his superior and decide whether to take to CPS. But still don't know how long this could take.

Have heard that most cases go to CPS as officers are wary of dismissing a case, just in case the accuser is a true victim. Does anybody know how long CPS take to make a decision if it does go to them? ( we have reason to believe that it may be do e over the phone rather than all info sent to them)

WW