New to this ...Help...advise...what to do? Scotland

[myhome]

Yup - agree with DBI - every single thing you can think of that is remotely linked to this needs to be kept. You may not see its relevance at the moment but it could be vital and you sol and/or barrister will need to see it. gather screen shots don't just copy and paste or hand write.......everything she is doing at the mo will give out signals (ie non-verbal communication) as to how she's feeling and coping with her "trauma" and potential compensation

[lawlessone2009]

Jeez.....

I've had a couple of days off with illness and work. Sounds odd that the two are linked there but I'm not well with some kind of bug but need to do the work that I started...

Popped by for a look.

Thought I'd attempt to be semi helpful.

Are you getting the feeling that somehow being linked to your partner is causing people to view YOU as a potentially 'bad' person?

I can see how an ex would be loving the entire situation and I can see how the twisted accuser would love it too. What you need to look at is the wider picture and not shut yourself off entirely. There are people out there that are not so quick to judge and are happy simply to take a step back, they don't believe it happened but they're not entirely sure that it didn't. They sit on the fence and simply watch what happens. The Police do this as well.

There is no way you can change some peoples minds without a massive court case and a 'NG' and even then they will be doubtful. People view the 'law' as a justice system which is rarely wrong but what you will find is that it is an oppressive system which massively exaggerates the most stupid of things. The 'oppressive' angle can be expanded greatly when you take into account the fact that the majority of Britain is completely unable to understand the laws that they are supposed to live by, there are far too many of them and they've been completely blown out of context and interpretation by numerous 'findings' which have then been expanded on and on and on and on..................

It's extremely difficult to deal with your situation. What I hope you will take into account is the worst that the British government are able to do is put someone in jail. I know that the thoughts of this are horrifying in themselves but at least it isn't a hanging or forfeiture of limbs or such. Innocent people are in jail right now and the way this government are going the jails are going to be full of innocent people with little room for the real hardened criminals OR bankers/politicians (whichever you view worse).

Have you been to the doctors? It may have been asked before but thought I'd ask, potentially again, just in case. It'd be handy for you to get a referral to someone to talk with. It's unfortunate that there isn't a service on the opposite side of the fence from the rape services but I suppose we can all understand that the media would have a field day with that one and there'd be womans rights groups hanging around outside it.

I always view being accused of the offence as worse than murder. I can live with being accused of murdering someone but there is simply something about sexual offences that's been hardwired into my head somewhere...


I'm very happy for you being willing to stand by your partner. I'm also aware that although you may think he's not 'thinking' about things you'll probably find that he's knocking hell out himself with them. It's an act and brave face.

[cantgiveup]

Thanks DBI, MH

DBI, I will PM you later, thanks, it a bit nerve wracking worrying about saying too much on here! I have kept notes of conversations and copies of emails etc, I think i need to organise it better though. I will make that a project for this week

It all just seems so endless and everyday there is another little thing to deal with or face....xx

[cantgiveup]

Jeez.....

I've had a couple of days off with illness and work. Sounds odd that the two are linked there but I'm not well with some kind of bug but need to do the work that I started...

Popped by for a look.

Thought I'd attempt to be semi helpful.

Are you getting the feeling that somehow being linked to your partner is causing people to view YOU as a potentially 'bad' person?

I can see how an ex would be loving the entire situation and I can see how the twisted accuser would love it too. What you need to look at is the wider picture and not shut yourself off entirely. There are people out there that are not so quick to judge and are happy simply to take a step back, they don't believe it happened but they're not entirely sure that it didn't. They sit on the fence and simply watch what happens. The Police do this as well.

There is no way you can change some peoples minds without a massive court case and a 'NG' and even then they will be doubtful. People view the 'law' as a justice system which is rarely wrong but what you will find is that it is an oppressive system which massively exaggerates the most stupid of things. The 'oppressive' angle can be expanded greatly when you take into account the fact that the majority of Britain is completely unable to understand the laws that they are supposed to live by, there are far too many of them and they've been completely blown out of context and interpretation by numerous 'findings' which have then been expanded on and on and on and on..................

It's extremely difficult to deal with your situation. What I hope you will take into account is the worst that the British government are able to do is put someone in jail. I know that the thoughts of this are horrifying in themselves but at least it isn't a hanging or forfeiture of limbs or such. Innocent people are in jail right now and the way this government are going the jails are going to be full of innocent people with little room for the real hardened criminals OR bankers/politicians (whichever you view worse).

Have you been to the doctors? It may have been asked before but thought I'd ask, potentially again, just in case. It'd be handy for you to get a referral to someone to talk with. It's unfortunate that there isn't a service on the opposite side of the fence from the rape services but I suppose we can all understand that the media would have a field day with that one and there'd be womans rights groups hanging around outside it.

I always view being accused of the offence as worse than murder. I can live with being accused of murdering someone but there is simply something about sexual offences that's been hardwired into my head somewhere...


I'm very happy for you being willing to stand by your partner. I'm also aware that although you may think he's not 'thinking' about things you'll probably find that he's knocking hell out himself with them. It's an act and brave face.

Thanks for taking the time for me when you are having such a rough time yourself..

Unfortunately it is not a feeling that people think I am a bad person, it is fact, texts, facebook posts etc, obviously no mention of my name but quite clear all the same. There is also a bit of manipulation going on to try and put me in situations I don't want to be in.

I think you are probably right that the police are watching to see what happens and that is a big fear I have, that my partners hand will be forced and there will be a 'incident' police will end up being called and that will be a bad reference to his character, this is why we have thought it best to keep as low a profile as possible...then again maybe we should tackle it head on, I have no idea what is best to do. I do hate confrontation though and tend to avoid it at all cost

Work has referred me for counselling, no word of when yet but hopefully soon, I don't relish the thought, but willing to give it a go.

You are right about my partner, he is putting on a brave face and is beating himself up about the whole situation, he is also quite cut off from the harassment side of things, I have shown him the messages etc I have received over the weekend, I was keeping it from him as I knew it would upset him hugely to know I was being 'got at'. It has made him really angry, he want to face up to the accuser and her husband and my ex and try and sort it out. I have talked him out of this and he does realise it would probably make things even worse for him...we managed to spend a fair bit of time together today with the kids too and it was really good

Anyways, another week is about to start so, here goes and hopefully I will stay a bit more on top of things.

CGU

[lawlessone2009]

If you are being intimidated and harassed then I would consider contacting the Police. If it's all there in black and white it won't be particularly difficult to prove.

As for your partner facing things. There is a posting in my thread somewhere where I mentioned the allegation to my partners brother and his wife and ended up getting assaulted. Sexual offences/allegations of ANY type generally lead even the most passive person to resort to violence. I would be careful and attempt to avoid any situations that are directly confrontational. I would also be aware that sometimes it's best to act fast and ask questions later, it's the quiet ones that generally hurt the most as they've knocked you out when you didn't expect it...

Just because your partner is 'accused' of a crime does not entitle others to slander him and make threats to you. The courts exist to deal out punishments where someone is found to have committed a crime. They need to prove the crime has happened before the punishment, obviously you have idiots believing that they can circumvent the law and start their own punishment WITHOUT having proven anything.

Pass it by the solicitor but really, you need to report what's happening. The Police are there to protect the public (forgetting what else they do!!!) and YOU deserve some protection as much as the next person. It also means that there is some formal information on file should anything particularly nasty happen and you or your partner need to advance a defence of self-defence.

[cantgiveup]

Thanks we have run a couple of things by the sol, he did advise to go to the police but did say it might antagonise things further. The harassment to me is mostly via facebook and my name is not actually mentioned so it would be difficult to prove that it was aimed at me..the other stuff is really difficult because when the kids are at their dads I cant stop where he takes them or who he has them around (I have tried) it difficult to explain what is happening on here but I keep going over it and cant seem to see much of a way to handle it other than trying to ignore it the best I can and recording as much as I can just in case.

What a mess eh? I need to try and get my head together enough with a coping plan for the coming months / year and then after that, there will be a lot of words said, and a lot of truths will come out, or maybe I will have moved on enough that I will no longer care, I would love to get to the point where the accuser meant so little, had so little effect on my life I could laugh in her face and walk away. xx

[lawlessone2009]

Thanks we have run a couple of things by the sol, he did advise to go to the police but did say it might antagonise things further. The harassment to me is mostly via facebook and my name is not actually mentioned so it would be difficult to prove that it was aimed at me..the other stuff is really difficult because when the kids are at their dads I cant stop where he takes them or who he has them around (I have tried) it difficult to explain what is happening on here but I keep going over it and cant seem to see much of a way to handle it other than trying to ignore it the best I can and recording as much as I can just in case.

What a mess eh? I need to try and get my head together enough with a coping plan for the coming months / year and then after that, there will be a lot of words said, and a lot of truths will come out, or maybe I will have moved on enough that I will no longer care, I would love to get to the point where the accuser meant so little, had so little effect on my life I could laugh in her face and walk away. xx

It's been that long I can't even remember my accusers name!

If I was to pass her/them in the street I wouldn't be any the wiser...

I know the solicitor will be wanting to play it all 'quiet' and this is perfectly understandable and a good course of action. You do need to weigh up any potential threat and validate how much of a true threat you believe it to be. I suppose parties *****ing on Facebook isn't too great an immediate threat but what is the underlying threat?

There are a lot of individuals who are, frankly, moronic and look for any excuse to inflict pain and suffering on others. Most likely because their own lives are that s**t that they want everyone else to experience a worse existence than themselves.

You are clearly 'monitoring' most avenues just now and I would actively encourage you to continue doing so. Draw a line in the sand for what you are willing to tolerate, write it on a piece of paper and then tuck it away. IF you believe that line has been crossed, dig out the paper and read it. ACT at that point. It's far far too easy to believe that the line hasn't been crossed and to start making excuses and push the line further which is why I encourage you to at least solidify in your mind where that line exists and ensure that if it's crossed you do act.

Bullying and harassment are strange things and people begin to become accustomed to it and don't see the clear escalations as they happen.

As for the children and your ex. It seems clear to me that he's a barsteward! For someone to be willing to basically extend the misery and use the kids in such a way is beyond comprehension. I would encourage you not to react though as it'd only give him satisfaction. Your partner has been accused of a crime, he's innocent until proven guilty and yet you are clearly seeing signs all around you that this is not the case, sad sorry state of affairs that this country operates under.

[cantgiveup]

It's been that long I can't even remember my accusers name!

If I was to pass her/them in the street I wouldn't be any the wiser...

I know the solicitor will be wanting to play it all 'quiet' and this is perfectly understandable and a good course of action. You do need to weigh up any potential threat and validate how much of a true threat you believe it to be. I suppose parties *****ing on Facebook isn't too great an immediate threat but what is the underlying threat?

There are a lot of individuals who are, frankly, moronic and look for any excuse to inflict pain and suffering on others. Most likely because their own lives are that s**t that they want everyone else to experience a worse existence than themselves.

You are clearly 'monitoring' most avenues just now and I would actively encourage you to continue doing so. Draw a line in the sand for what you are willing to tolerate, write it on a piece of paper and then tuck it away. IF you believe that line has been crossed, dig out the paper and read it. ACT at that point. It's far far too easy to believe that the line hasn't been crossed and to start making excuses and push the line further which is why I encourage you to at least solidify in your mind where that line exists and ensure that if it's crossed you do act.

Bullying and harassment are strange things and people begin to become accustomed to it and don't see the clear escalations as they happen.

As for the children and your ex. It seems clear to me that he's a barsteward! For someone to be willing to basically extend the misery and use the kids in such a way is beyond comprehension. I would encourage you not to react though as it'd only give him satisfaction. Your partner has been accused of a crime, he's innocent until proven guilty and yet you are clearly seeing signs all around you that this is not the case, sad sorry state of affairs that this country operates under.

Thanks some good advice there...I will draw that line, I don't really care what is being said of me, it is just that I am so aware of it as I am monitoring everything. These people are not people I want to be around so there opinion of me should be irrelevant. It hurts though.

The kids...that is the tough one, I have not reacted to him yet, he has been very abusive to me in my house as he does not want my partner around the kids. If that ever happens again I will act and have told him so. Over the years since we have separated, he has had a tendency to blow up at whatever he perceives to be a problem, where I live, having a boyfriend etc (we separated because I finally realised how controlling he was) I have not reacted to him previously as he has generally been a good dad (terrible husband though!) and the kids love him. The sad thing is meeting my partner was taking me away from a group of people I should never have been involved with in the first place, and he is now suffering because of my supposed friends / ex.

Bullying / Harassment is something I have grown accustomed to from my ex, I have learned the best way to handle it is to ignore him, but I do have a tendency to go along with him to keep the peace....which I guess is what I am doing now in this whole situation xx

[myhome]

Work has referred me for counselling, no word of when yet but hopefully soon, I don't relish the thought, but willing to give it a go. CGU

Don't be worried about counselling - you will probably find it to be a great relief to talk to someone who can help you in a sympathetic, empathetic and non-judgmental way. You're doing a great job supporting your partner - but you also need some support for yourself to......
As my counsellor has said to me - be kind to yourself...

[cantgiveup]

Thanks MH, you are probably right, I am just a little fearful of opening up the can of worms that is my mind!! I tend to deal with things and box them up and store them away, usually successfully, but I could do without going over my past, it is just here and now I could do with a wee help to work things through!!

CGU

[myhome]

Thanks MH, you are probably right, I am just a little fearful of opening up the can of worms that is my mind!! I tend to deal with things and box them up and store them away, usually successfully, but I could do without going over my past, it is just here and now I could do with a wee help to work things through!!

CGU

Hi CGU - the great thing about therapy and counselling sessions is that they are totally led by you - you decide what you do or don't want to talk about and if you do want to talk about something painful, then your therapist will be very experienced in helping you to deal with this and the feelings that it's brought up...and if you don't want to - that's fine too. If you find something you are talking about is just too painful then you can stop and try again another time - or not depending on how you want to continue......
I'm a great advocate for therapy and counselling - I've them so helpful - and I've been fortunate enough to have very skilful therapists.......
If you do decide to see someone, check their credentials and qualifications, or get someone recommended by someone reliable - eg you GP...

Good luck MH...

[cantgiveup]

Opinion or thoughts please....

Hi all,

The last week has been pretty awful to say the least....not with my partner we are good and no progress with the FA. Unfortunately due to this dragging on, emotions are getting high where I live. The FA appears to be telling anyone who will listen her utter lies, whereas other that to deny any truth in her accusations and to say I am standing by my partner, we have said nothing. We have done this for two reasons.

1. To prevent as much tittle tattle as possible and to try and maintain some kind of dignified silence.
2. On the advise of sol, we do not know exactly what we are defending, as no formal charge has been made sol does not have any of the supposed evidence or FA statement

My ex, the father of my children has been led to believe I have lost my mind (I believe fed by FA) as I have cut contact with mutual friends. He does not want my partner around our children and has behaved very aggressively towards me in front of the children. Anyway, things came to a head over the weekend and he has said that if I continue to have my partner around my children then he will get a court order to prevent this. I was of the impression that Social Services would be involved in this and he told me his lawyer had advised it would be granted.. as this happened over the weekend I was unable to speak to my lawyer and agreed that I would not let my partner see the children and if this was to change I would discuss it with him.

Well...after seeing my lawyer today I have been advised he would not get a court order as my partner has not been formally charged and there is no suggestion by anyone he is a risk to children. Which of course he is not. She also advised Social services would not be involved in this.

To be completely honest, although I think it is ridiculous, I do 'get' where my partner is coming from. He completely believes the FA (she is like a sister to him) and is surrounded by people who do believe her so has heard no other side to things .

My question is this....would you feel the same way in his situation. If your daughters friends dad was accused of same and you had no knowledge of the incident would you feel 100% allowing your daughter to stay there for weekends?

My dilemma is this.....it would appear that he has no grounds for a court order. If I allow my partner to be around my children, it will create huge tension / aggravation. This will have a negative impact on my children who obviously are my number one priority, but I don't want to be bullied in to going along with my ex's demands either. I also don't want people to think I have doubts over my partners innocence, I am merely trying to protect my children as much as possible from the fall out of what is a horrific situation for everyone involved.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks, CGU x

[myhome]

Hi CGU - this is a really difficult situation for you - as the saying goes - caught between a rock and a hard place!!

My thoughts -

if you ask your partner to leave temporarily while this is sorted out, there is probably no way you could persuade anyone locally it was just to stop arguments and tension. They would all automatically take the "see told you so " stance that you partially or completely believed the FA. Whilst this situation might reduce some tension for your children, it will increase it in another way because they would find it difficult to understand why he had moved out. Also - your ex has then achieved what he wanted - to split your family up even temporarily.

What would be the emotional effect on your partner? It might seem that in effect you were taking the "easy option" by distancing yourself and children from him and he would probably begin to wonder whether you were starting to doubt his innocence.

At the moment SS are not involved. If they became involved later they would question your motives for asking your partner to leave. In a way this would be in your favour as they could see you are putting your children first. On the other hand, might they then use this against the family when it's all over when you all try to live together again?

With regard to your question re allowing children round to someone who's subject of rumour - only you can decide what's right for you, your children and partner...

Sorry if I've been skirting round the houses a bit, but I just wanted to give alternative views....

keep strong babe............

[cantgiveup]

Hi CGU - this is a really difficult situation for you - as the saying goes - caught between a rock and a hard place!!

My thoughts -

if you ask your partner to leave temporarily while this is sorted out, there is probably no way you could persuade anyone locally it was just to stop arguments and tension. They would all automatically take the "see told you so " stance that you partially or completely believed the FA. Whilst this situation might reduce some tension for your children, it will increase it in another way because they would find it difficult to understand why he had moved out. Also - your ex has then achieved what he wanted - to split your family up even temporarily.

What would be the emotional effect on your partner? It might seem that in effect you were taking the "easy option" by distancing yourself and children from him and he would probably begin to wonder whether you were starting to doubt his innocence.

At the moment SS are not involved. If they became involved later they would question your motives for asking your partner to leave. In a way this would be in your favour as they could see you are putting your children first. On the other hand, might they then use this against the family when it's all over when you all try to live together again?

With regard to your question re allowing children round to someone who's subject of rumour - only you can decide what's right for you, your children and partner...

Sorry if I've been skirting round the houses a bit, but I just wanted to give alternative views....

keep strong babe............

Thanks MH, as usual pretty sound advise!!

My partner and I don't actually live together, although he is around most weekends. This is what my ex wants stopped.

The children (particularly my eldest) were terribly upset last week at the goings on, it really is terribly hard to know what to do for the best. My partner and I have been talking this through all the way through and he is in complete agreement with myself that the children's happiness comes first.

He is hurt by the implication that he is a risk to children, and we are very upset at not being able to see each other so much as we really need each other at this time. I have done my best to reassure him of my support. I think he is believing of me but is having a bit of a low time. I do have some good news for him today which I hope will help him a little.

As you say a rock and a hard place. I just don't know what to do for the best.

CGU xx

[is there justice?]

That's a tough one but as a Mum I'm a great believer in my gut feeling. Do what you think is best for you, your children and your partner.

We must have come a long way because my ex is totally supportive of hubby. It's another complication you don't need. If only these negative people would stop, think and realise they are a heartbeat away from going through the same thing.