New to this ...Help...advise...what to do? Scotland

[cantgiveup]

Haha, feel free to take over my thread...it is all advice and support for each other either way!!!

The 'hill' was 300ft short of being a Munro...seems to me I keep starting to climb what I think is a wee hill and finding myself at the bottom of a big massive mountain but I made it up and back down again with nothing worse than sair legs and burnt skin, this time at least!!

The carpet has survived the dog had another episode in my brothers car on the way home, I shouldn't have smiled but I did! Poor dog!

Hope that mind of your is still fighting and finding all the info you need to keep fighting. Hopefully as others suggested, the fiscal will look at it and say they had their chance and it too late now.

[cantgiveup]

It is strange reading everyone's experiences on here and relating them to your own, it is strangely comforting, but it doesn't take away from the fact that we are still living in limboland with no idea of what will happen next, while 'she' wanders around gathering sympathy from whoever will listen and playing her stupid childish games.

How long is this going to go on for? I want to make decisions about my future, I know I cant stay here, I cant face the school run everyday and the stares, but I need to know how if my partner has to face a trial, will I need to move my childrens school if this goes to a trial, if there is a trial will there be social work involvement, how far do I need to move to get away from it, I don't want to see anyone involved in the whole sorry mess. I just want to take my kids and hopefully my partner and get the hell out of here. I hate this place.

[myhome]

HI CGU - sorry I can't help on the SS or legal side but my guess is that if you up and leave, SS will find you and your children as you'd have to register them at a new school - which would then contact their old school for their records......and so on.

The question, "How long?" is asked by everybody and it is impossible to answer as all cases are different. A member on here happily got NFA after 6 weeks - another went to trial after 18 months (got 2 not guilty verdicts )

Friends may ask you if there is anything you can do to speed things up - but there isn't - plod will take as long or short a time as they take - there is no rhyme or reason to it.......

take one day at a time or even one hour at a time - which is one day or one hour closer to proving innocence - very easy to say but incredibly hard to do.....

The rollercoaster of emotions you will experience is truly awful - but "normal" in very abnormal circumstances..........

keep strong and keep posting......

[cantgiveup]

Thanks MH,

We don't have any SS involvement at the moment but I wonder if it was to go to trail if we would have...who knows? Another 'what if'

I know what you mean, my family are always asking what we are doing to move things on...they don't seem to understand we cant!!

Yep one day at a time, but I am so sick of the unfairness of it and having to try so hard just to get through a normal day, how could she do this to my partner, to me to all the children, forcing everyone to take sides, she sees it as a game to play, peoples life's are not games.

I have been doing much better the last week or so, this forum has been massively supportive, just knowing other people truly understand is a relief, but today I feel a bit defeated.

CGU xx

[myhome]

I have been doing much better the last week or so, this forum has been massively supportive, just knowing other people truly understand is a relief, but today I feel a bit defeated.

Hi CGU - this forum is a great place to be because everyone understands and helps each other - there's always someone to talk to who can feel what you are going through because they have felt it too....

The ups and downs that you feel are so common - sometimes you feel really positive and think you'll get through this and what is all the fuss about....and other days you'll wonder how on Earth you're going to get through another day and have you reached rock bottom this time.....
This is the same as everyone feels which is a little comfort I guess - well it is for me. The continuing swings of highs to lows is very exhausting so you need to take time out sometimes to let your mind and your body recover.......

Take care of yourself and hubby...

[Don'tbelieveit!]

Thanks MH,

We don't have any SS involvement at the moment but I wonder if it was to go to trail if we would have...who knows? Another 'what if'

I know what you mean, my family are always asking what we are doing to move things on...they don't seem to understand we cant!!

Yep one day at a time, but I am so sick of the unfairness of it and having to try so hard just to get through a normal day, how could she do this to my partner, to me to all the children, forcing everyone to take sides, she sees it as a game to play, peoples life's are not games.

I have been doing much better the last week or so, this forum has been massively supportive, just knowing other people truly understand is a relief, but today I feel a bit defeated.

CGU xx

Hi CGU
Hang in there! Sometimes family cannot understand or even have any idead what we are going thru. How? My in-laws keep on saying do this and that but you can't until things are 'wrapped up'.

It is so terribly unfair and difficult to get thru any day, whether normal or not, and I pose exactly the same question - how could anybody do this to my hubby? But you learn to survive, understand that you may have good days and bad ones. That's life. You WILL survive this, as I and many other will!

Take care and if u want to PM, please do!

[lawlessone2009]

From my reckoning, from what I have witnessed first hand, it takes approx 9-10 months from charge to decision.

The prosecution WILL NOT give you any indications or information during that time. If there were DNA samples taken these may work their way through to you within around 6 months.

The 'statements' from the accuser should work their way through reasonably quickly, if indeed they haven't already done so.

Why does it take so long????????

Well... Between the charging and any potential presentation of the case in court there are several other cases working their way through both the court itself and also the appeals court. Findings in law in other cases can be applied to the case against your partner particularly focusing on what is required 'evidentially' to get the case into court.

The evidential requirements, as far as I can see, are being lowered all the time at present. The prosecution have hit the ground running as far as sexual offences are concerned and it's taking a bit of time for the defence solicitors to catch up and start to rein them in. I suppose in Scotland the main issue is 'what's the point' as there seems to be a lot of talk about removing 'corroboration' anyway so why spend a great deal of time educating yourself in case law and such when the law is about to be revolutionised anyways...

The Scottish government have pulled a blinder here! Discourage defence solicitors from educating themselves as it'd be wasted time and money when in a few years corroboration would invalidate their educated positions and also cause them to have to get re-educated again. Massively educate the prosecutors and arm them with new legislation, Sexual Offences (Scotland) Act 2009, and have them completely overpower the existing case law and legal system so that 'corroboration' doesn't matter a hell anyway... The falling of 'corroboration' has little meaning anyway then. In the process of all this have people 'fall' as collateral damage in the quest for changing the law. Who cares about a few victims of the state when the state as a whole apparently benefits???



I completely understand your desire to move away from the area. I can see both sides of the coin and can fully understand your feelings and thoughts. It's by far the easiest thing to do in so far as instant relief and distancing yourself from the ignorant masses. Serious consideration should be given to it. Is it what you really want? Will it have any negative effects on you or the kids?

Forget about 'impressions' on others. This, to me, is a control mechanism. Who cares what others think, who cares if people seem to think it implies guilt. It is not a question of guilt, it's a question of living. You have an entitlement to life and an entitlement to happiness. You, of course, would need to discuss all of this at length with your partner but also make it clear that you don't 'blame' him for the changes. The 'moving away' is simply to do with unfortunate circumstance rather than beliefs.

As for Social Services. You would need to ascertain WHY they were getting involved, if they ever reared their ugly heads. They can't (not yet anyway!) simply get involved for the hell of it and would need reasons which they should make clear to you. If their involvement is unwarranted then, although it'll be difficult, you should be able to get them to bugger off again.

[cantgiveup]

From my reckoning, from what I have witnessed first hand, it takes approx 9-10 months from charge to decision.

The prosecution WILL NOT give you any indications or information during that time. If there were DNA samples taken these may work their way through to you within around 6 months.

The 'statements' from the accuser should work their way through reasonably quickly, if indeed they haven't already done so.

Why does it take so long????????

Well... Between the charging and any potential presentation of the case in court there are several other cases working their way through both the court itself and also the appeals court. Findings in law in other cases can be applied to the case against your partner particularly focusing on what is required 'evidentially' to get the case into court.

The evidential requirements, as far as I can see, are being lowered all the time at present. The prosecution have hit the ground running as far as sexual offences are concerned and it's taking a bit of time for the defence solicitors to catch up and start to rein them in. I suppose in Scotland the main issue is 'what's the point' as there seems to be a lot of talk about removing 'corroboration' anyway so why spend a great deal of time educating yourself in case law and such when the law is about to be revolutionised anyways...

The Scottish government have pulled a blinder here! Discourage defence solicitors from educating themselves as it'd be wasted time and money when in a few years corroboration would invalidate their educated positions and also cause them to have to get re-educated again. Massively educate the prosecutors and arm them with new legislation, Sexual Offences (Scotland) Act 2009, and have them completely overpower the existing case law and legal system so that 'corroboration' doesn't matter a hell anyway... The falling of 'corroboration' has little meaning anyway then. In the process of all this have people 'fall' as collateral damage in the quest for changing the law. Who cares about a few victims of the state when the state as a whole apparently benefits???



I completely understand your desire to move away from the area. I can see both sides of the coin and can fully understand your feelings and thoughts. It's by far the easiest thing to do in so far as instant relief and distancing yourself from the ignorant masses. Serious consideration should be given to it. Is it what you really want? Will it have any negative effects on you or the kids?

Forget about 'impressions' on others. This, to me, is a control mechanism. Who cares what others think, who cares if people seem to think it implies guilt. It is not a question of guilt, it's a question of living. You have an entitlement to life and an entitlement to happiness. You, of course, would need to discuss all of this at length with your partner but also make it clear that you don't 'blame' him for the changes. The 'moving away' is simply to do with unfortunate circumstance rather than beliefs.

As for Social Services. You would need to ascertain WHY they were getting involved, if they ever reared their ugly heads. They can't (not yet anyway!) simply get involved for the hell of it and would need reasons which they should make clear to you. If their involvement is unwarranted then, although it'll be difficult, you should be able to get them to bugger off again.

Hey,

What a yuk week...my head is burst!! I think you could probably say the same! I know that moving is almost running away and to some people it might be seen as guilt, I just don't care, I don't want to see the accuser at the school gates, or anyone else for that matter. I want a chance to get away from it all and try and not be thinking about it 24/7.

So you think it could be 9-10 months before my partner is even in court? Sol told us that until he appears in court and charge is proceeded with we will not be shown any evidence, statements, DNA or anything until after that. And then after that it, any trial needs to take place within a year, more or less. So the police charged him while in custody then he was on an undertaking for 4 weeks, then liberated with no conditions and no date to appear and has not been in court as yet. Does this mean he has not been formally charged? Sorry I can't get my head round it, I think I keep confusing myself with English law and anything I manage to fine online seems to say that he would have been in court by now or at least rebailed with an undertaking to appear.
I cant seem to find any info about my circumstances. I don't want to keep bothering sol as he says until there is something to answer to there is nothing he can do..

I am feeling very sorry for myself this week, in some ways it would be easier not to love my partner so much and be sure of his innocence, then I could walk away and be a victim, instead, I KNOW he didn't do it (I was there!!!) and I KNOW we could be very happy together if only someone, somewhere would see some sense.

[is there justice?]

Hey,

I am feeling very sorry for myself this week, in some ways it would be easier not to love my partner so much and be sure of his innocence, then I could walk away and be a victim, instead, I KNOW he didn't do it (I was there!!!) and I KNOW we could be very happy together if only someone, somewhere would see some sense.

It is very tough to watch your partner suffer so much and although it's worse for him, you are also going through the mill.

We will move away whatever the outcome, we were close to retiring anyway. If I stay here after, I would be on a charge. I have never felt such intense hatred and spite for someone and I don't want to live my life like that.

[cantgiveup]

It is very tough to watch your partner suffer so much and although it's worse for him, you are also going through the mill.

We will move away whatever the outcome, we were close to retiring anyway. If I stay here after, I would be on a charge. I have never felt such intense hatred and spite for someone and I don't want to live my life like that.

yep it is tough on him, horrifically so, but he does not live in the village where all the gossip is and seems to be kept away from it all. I seem to have to face up to someone everyday. He is also probably better at blocking things out than me. He seems to be able to not think about it for periods of time and get on with work etc. He also has family living all around him who are in full support of him, I however, am slap bang in the middle of the accuser and her followers, and it was me who introduced her to him and all the others. In lots of ways it is my fault he is in this situation, if I had never been involved with her it would never have happened. My instinct told me it was a bad crowd, but I could see good in her and she had never wronged me and had in fact been a good friend, but I knew that I should keep away from the crowd and had been distancing myself...

My hatred for her is increasing by the day...and once this is over I will have my say with her. I will definitely need to move away from here at some point, I think it would probably be better to wait until there is some kind of outcome, but I don't know if I can.

I hope things work out for you, ITAJ, and thanks for you support.

[cantgiveup]

yep it is tough on him, horrifically so, but he does not live in the village where all the gossip is and seems to be kept away from it all. I seem to have to face up to someone everyday. He is also probably better at blocking things out than me. He seems to be able to not think about it for periods of time and get on with work etc. He also has family living all around him who are in full support of him, I however, am slap bang in the middle of the accuser and her followers, and it was me who introduced her to him and all the others. In lots of ways it is my fault he is in this situation, if I had never been involved with her it would never have happened. My instinct told me it was a bad crowd, but I could see good in her and she had never wronged me and had in fact been a good friend, but I knew that I should keep away from the crowd and had been distancing myself...

My hatred for her is increasing by the day...and once this is over I will have my say with her. I will definitely need to move away from here at some point, I think it would probably be better to wait until there is some kind of outcome, but I don't know if I can.

I hope things work out for you, ITAJ, and thanks for you support.

God, just re read this mornings post, I sound quite pathetic and not very supportive to him at all....he has hurt me deeply, but I know he has been punished enough. He did not rape her. It still hurts though, and I guess I am angry with him, myself and mostly her that we are in this god awful mess. It is just so hard to face the village everyday, quite possibly people are not talking about it as much as I think they are, but the accuser and my ex are certainly 'in my face' all the time.

I wish I could understand what is happening, everyone I speak to has never heard of the way things are happening for us, even the sol said it was highly unusual, but all he has told us is there is nothing he can do until the police / fiscal decide to take things further, which may never happen or it might happen tomorrow. Basically we could be in this situation for a very long time, which I thought was supposed to be the way things were in England, not Scotland.

Right, I am going to bake a cake with the kids and try and not wallow / blame the world. I guess I just need to get on with it, see my partner as much as I can (I feel much safer, more secure when he is here) look to our future together and hopefully we can move away from here soon.

[myhome]

Right, I am going to bake a cake with the kids and try and not wallow / blame the world. I guess I just need to get on with it, see my partner as much as I can (I feel much safer, more secure when he is here) look to our future together and hopefully we can move away from here soon.

Hi CGU - there's quite a lot of positive thought hidden in the quote above.....but please please please don't ever ever ever think you are wallowing....what you and your partner are going through - as with everyone on here is an unbelievable hell which no-one can empathise with unless they are going through/have been through it too...

If someone can get through this kind of ordeal without being affected by it - then they must be completely soulless and arrogant and you are neither of these.

"Wallowing" as you put it, is not self-indulgent feeling sorry for yourself - it is taking timeout to allow yourself to feel the feelings that sometimes you have to hide from other people. feelings need to be let out every so often, otherwise you get the pressure cooker situation where they build and build till they can't be contained anymore and you burst with consequences that are then hard to heal.......

You need to and must take time out for yourself to recharge your "emotional bank account" (as a CPN described it to me) so you can then continue to look after yourself and support your family....

Hugs......................you needed one so here it is......

[cantgiveup]

Hi CGU - there's quite a lot of positive thought hidden in the quote above.....but please please please don't ever ever ever think you are wallowing....what you and your partner are going through - as with everyone on here is an unbelievable hell which no-one can empathise with unless they are going through/have been through it too...

If someone can get through this kind of ordeal without being affected by it - then they must be completely soulless and arrogant and you are neither of these.

"Wallowing" as you put it, is not self-indulgent feeling sorry for yourself - it is taking timeout to allow yourself to feel the feelings that sometimes you have to hide from other people. feelings need to be let out every so often, otherwise you get the pressure cooker situation where they build and build till they can't be contained anymore and you burst with consequences that are then hard to heal.......

You need to and must take time out for yourself to recharge your "emotional bank account" (as a CPN described it to me) so you can then continue to look after yourself and support your family....

Hugs......................you needed one so here it is......

Thanks MH, you made me cry, but not in a sad way. You have a lovely way with words Work is supposed to be arranging counselling for me, which to be honest I agreed to but wasn't too keen, but it might be a good thing, give me space to talk to someone that doesn't have an opinion / agenda, I think I will see if I can hurry them along....

Hope your week has kept getting better and that you are having a glass of wine or two over the weekend to celebrate the great news about your job. Thanks for the hugs xx

[cantgiveup]

Evidence / Information Gathering

I am wondering about the relevance of info / evidence gathering - what should I be keeping and what not, are social media posts by the accuser about parties etc she is going to relevant, pictures of her with men other than her hubby on nights out, most of her posts are quite ambiguous and could be read differently but I know them to be slyly aimed at me (I cant explain too much on here but I am not being paranoid)

Most of the evidence I have is in my head, conversations we have had etc, and as I am a witness I am not sure how this works. We are not at the stage of knowing how far this allegation is going to go, but I do know we need to be thinking about it and I am not sure what is relevant, or should it just be everything. My partners sol took a statement from me, really just for background of the accuser and to give him an idea of what went on. He also wanted to know how much my thoughts and events of the night in question matched up with my partners (they did) it was a wee bit like he was doing his own wee investigation, maybe that is normal, I don't know.

Any advice would be appreciated.

CGU xx

[Don'tbelieveit!]

Hi CGU

I can't really speak for others, but my personal advice would be gather everything you can get. I have done the same thing. Social media, emails, chats etc and filed it according to where from in chronological order- Some of the stuff goes back to beforehand<- telling a completely different story. If I were you I would make mor than one copy - I have 3 of everything - and keep one file in a very safe place. I have done that but cannot say where for obvious reasons. If you want to talk about ir privately, feel free to PM me

Take care