Haven't actually been accused but need advice

[Confusedandworried]

Hiya,

This is my first post here, found this forum whilst searching the Internet.

I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting as I haven't actually been accused of anything but am really worried about something that happened a couple of weeks ago and was hoping to get some reassurance or advice.

I went out with a very close friend 3 weeks ago.

We have been very good friends for a while but when she's drunk she has been quite flirty and we have kissed a few times but we have always put that down to both of us being drunk and left it at that.

However there have also been times when she has expressed feelings for me and if I'm honest I do really like her but she has sort of been on and off with her boyfriend so it's never amounted to anything.

So basically a few weeks ago she split up with him and we went out with a big group of friends

We drank until the early hours and she wasn't sure how to get home.

She doesn't live far from me and a load of us were getting a cab to mine so I said she could come back with us and then I would get her home.

We got back to mine and I was going to suggest walking her back but within minutes of getting to mine she went to my room and borrowed some of my clothes to get changed into as she was going to stay.

A group of us carried on drinking until about 7am and then they left.

I said I was going to bed and left her downstairs on the sofa dressed in my clothes with a duvet.

My housemate and her boyfriend were in the room next to mine asleep.

About 20 minutes or so after getting into bed my friend came into my room wearing just my t-shirt and got into bed with me.

We were both very drunk so I didn't think much of it but then she said she was cold and cuddled up to me.

At some point she started kissing me and one thing led to another and we slept together.

I remember her getting out of bed after, going to the loo and getting us both a glass of water.

I also know that she went into my housemates room (the door was open) and asking if they wanted a drink as well.

She then came back to bed and we cuddled up and slept for a bit.

She woke up later and said she had to go, seemed a bit agitated so once she was dressed I walked her home and she hugged and kissed me goodbye but it felt a bit awkward.

We were meant to be going out a couple of days later so I texted her to see if she still wanted to go and she said yes she was looking forward to it.

We had a great day out and went for a beer after and she asked if I remembered her getting into my bed.

I said I did and remembered what happened and she laughed, looked a bit sheepish and said she was a bit embarrassed.

I asked if that was why she left in a hurry and she said no not at all she just felt hungover and wanted to get home.

She then asked what I was doing at the weekend as she wanted to see me so I said that would be cool and would get in touch.

Since then she has been avoiding me and when we have spoken it has felt strained.

I asked her what was wrong and she now says she has no recollection of sleeping with me and thinks she was sleepwalking.

She does have history of that although afaik she hasn't had sex whilst sleepwalking but then would she remember?

We did talk whilst she was in my bed as I recall checking she was cool with what was happening but she claims to be able to hold full conversations whilst asleep.

She now refuses to talk about it anymore but is essentially blanking me and doesn't seem to want to stay friends.

I feel terrible. If she was asleep was having sex with her without her consent?

She seemed fully aware and coherent and I did check with her that everything was alright.

It just seems so weird that she was fine about the whole thing for a few days but has since freaked out.

I have done a bit of research and although sleep sex is rare apparently it is possible that this could have happened, but how would I have known?

She hasn't accused me of having sex without her consent but I feel like maybe I have and am now very worried.

[myhome]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

This could be a potentially worrying situation because of the way she is reacting BUT you may be reading lots of things into her behaviour which aren't necessarily there - ie you think she is going to call "rape." Though this isn't impossible it isn't necessarily what has brought on the change in her behaviour.

It may be that she thought she might like to start a relationship with you but has now changed her mind and this is her way of putting you off - though not a nice one. It may be that she slept with you on the rebound of the break up and is now regretting it for whatever reason; she may be trying to get back with her boyfriend and is so feeling guilty about sleeping with you....

However the most important thing about your worry of her calling "rape" is that this happened 3 weeks ago. If her change in behaviour was because she had already called rape and was trying to keep her distance because of that, plod would have been round to question/arrest you a while ago - they definitely don't hang around once someone has made an allegation - they would lose valuable dna evidence etc if they did. I would keep the text/facebook messages between you because if plod does come knocking they will seize your phone computer etc and will then conveniently "lose" any evidence that will go towards proving sex was consensual maybe best to keep away from her for a while - the longer it goes on without plod coming along the better for you.....

I am sure some other members will come along soon to help out.
MH

[friday]

Hi and welcome,
It sounds to me like she is just embarrassed. You've been friends for a while and now this will have changed the dynamic. I wouldn't worry too much. If she has said she has whole conversations in her sleep then there was no way of you knowing she was asleep (if she was). You have done nothing wrong. I also wonder if she is planning to get back with her boyfriend. That could explain the recent change in behaviour. Hopefully nothing will come of this but should the worst happen, you have housemates that prove she was talking normally and no evidence whatsoever or you behaving wrongly (because you did nothing wrong). The only thing that you may have to worry about is the amount of alcohol she'd drunk (if you'd all been up until 7am) but the fact she was asking your housemates if they wanted a drink of water suggests she can't have been that drunk. I know it's hard but try not to worry

[is there justice?]

Try not to worry too much, I think Friday sums it up well. I hope you get back to being the good friends you were.

[Confusedandworried]

Thanks everybody, that does help a lot.

I guess I was more worried that I had done something unthinkable, I would never take advantage of somebody when drunk and definitely not when asleep.

But we did talk about it, she seemed fully conscious and at no point did I think there was anything wrong although I admit it was unexpected.

We had all been drinking a lot, but it was over a long period of time and I don't think she was as drunk as I was to be honest, she seemed completely coherent.

I also don't think it's likely that somebody would sleep walk after being asleep for no more than 20 minutes, but apparently it is much more common if alcohol or lack of sleep is concerned and we had also been out drinking until late the night before.

But thanks for your replies, sets my mind a bit more at rest.

I think it's possible she has said what she has said either as you say because she is embarrassed or for other reasons, she has had a very on / off relationship with her boyfriend and she did see him a couple of days before she stopped talking to me.

I just wanted to get some other people's opinions on whether or not what I had done was out of order, but I am now a little less worried as I did make sure beforehand that what we were doing was ok, and don't think she would have got back into bed after and cuddled up with me if she hadn't wanted to as she was definitely awake at that point.

I just now need to make sure she's ok with the situation and hopefully we can get our friendship back on track.

Thanks everybody.

[myhome]

Hi and I'm glad you're feeling a bit better about this and can see the positive sides in our replies. If however, it does go wrong you know where we are but - it the nicest possible way - hope not to see you needing to be here again
All the best MH

[Confusedandworried]

Thanks everybody, this has genuinely been a great help and really set my mind at rest.

So much so that I invited her out for a beer and we had a chat.

I told her that I thought what she said was a bit out of order and she admitted that she had freaked out a bit and regretted saying it as she did remember coming onto me but was very embarrassed.

I am pissed off on the one hand as we have avoided talking about the whole thing and if I'm honest she has made me feel awful about myself.

But then on the other I am so relieved we have finally talked things through and our friendship seems intact.

But I don't think we'll be able to go out like we used to.

But seriously thanks to everybody, I feel a bit daft for freaking out about the whole thing but would hate to think I had done anything out of order.

[friday]

The very fact you came here to check you hadn't done anything wrong leads me to believe you're one of the good guys
Glad you managed to have a chat with her but sorry to hear it's had such an impact on your friendship. In time you may be able to heal the damage done but if not it's a lesson in blurring the friends/more than friends boundary and I'm sure you'll think twice before blurring that boundary again.

[Confusedandworried]

Thanks Friday, that does make me feel better as I was worried sick. She means a lot to me as she's a very good friend so I would hate myself if I had done anything like that.

It does make me wonder what was going through her head when she said what she said though, and has only now admitted it was just an excuse.

I understand it was probably a difficult thing for her but even so what she said could have been so easily misunderstood, well in fact it was by me.

And the whole "friends" / "more than friends" thing has done my head in a bit, not really been in that sort of situation before as I normally know where the boundaries lie, but with her it's very difficult to tell, in fact it still is but I will be backing off a bit now.

[myhome]

Hi CaW - really pleased you have been able to have this chat and sort things out and as Friday said - that fact that you wanted to seek help shows that you really wanted to be sure that you hadn't done anything wrong which is great....
I'm sure that in time you will be able to "repair" and rebuild your friendship and whilst it may not be the same again - it may go in another stronger direction..... All the best MH

[lawlessone2009]

My opinion?

Female really likes you.

She managed to get to sleeping with you and you've still not asked her out... Hell, she's probably tried everything else to say 'HEY, here I am come get me' and met with a 'we're friends' reply..........................

I really don't think this girl wants to be just 'friends'.

Ask her out on a bloody date!

She's probably giving up on you as she's run out of ways to get your attention.

Text her NOW, tell her you're a silly bugger for not realising it sooner but you LOVE HER and want to be with her.


If you don't love her and want to be with her then unfortunately I really don't see much happening. You're most likely slowly breaking the poor souls heart without realising that you're doing it.







Please bear in mind, I only have your posts to go by but I'm sure I'm near to on the ball.

False rape? Rape? I don't think you're anywhere near it. I know what the law defines as rape but there needs to be an allegation made first. You're potentially in a sticky place if an allegation surfaces and I would recommend that you do not answer anything without legal assistance being present but I feel that you're blowing everything out of proportion and looking in the wrong place.................

Hi, by the way...

[whatsgoingon?]

Hello - welcome to the forum.
I agree with L1! She likes you... probably alot. If it's mutual.... then now's your time to do the woo-ing! She's probably just embarrassed and feeling apprehensive because so far (it seems) she's the one who's made the the moves and for a female, that's quite a brave thing to do.

All the best!