Hel, opinions.. don't know what to do.

[Lostandconfused]

Hi all, only just come across this site and noticed I'm not the only one going through this which is a help (not sure that is the right thing to say considering what we have been through).

I have told people my story including a policeman and they have all come to the same outcome (which is that my case should be NFA'd) but I still have doubts and negative thoughts which I know some of you here can empathise with.

My situation pretty much goes as follows..
Met a girl online, we messaged, text and contacted each other on social media, never spoke. The first time we spoke and met, we had sex.. no issues. Most correspondence was naughty talk as well as normal talk. This went both ways, we both spoke dirty to each other (I have proof of this).. as far as I thought the 'relationship' was an online sexual one apart from when we met. We stayed in contact and a number of months later we text and I asked if she wanted to see me.. she was happy to drive (a number of miles), pick me up and take me home as I had been drinking. She had her doubts but came anyway, we went home, had a drink, went to bed fell asleep. Woke up in the morning had sex a few times and she left.

2 days later the police came, arrest me saying she has accused me of rape.. I was a nervous, panicking wreck!! She told the police that I had raped her for 20 minutes in the night (nothing had happened). She admitted to consensual sex the next morning and also said she performed sexual acts on me while I was sleeping!! (WTF)!!! However, she then said I wasn't sleeping and she stopped. Sexual assault on me??

Anyway.. all I could think is if I had done what she is accusing me of why didn't she leave when I was sleeping, phone someone shout out or whatever rather than stay and have sex the next morning.

The whole situation is a nightmare, I cry, can't sleep, my family are a mess and my closest friends I have told can't believe any of it.

So I guess what I am after is to share my story and support as having been accused of such terrible and digusting things I really don't now what to do!! I try to put a brave face on but randomly breakdown and think the worst case scenario. Its her word against mine, we had sex so forensics will show that but I'm waiting to her what will happen (on bail at moment).
Scared, anger, hatred.. why do people claim such things!!

Anyway.. thanks for listening

[Dave]

Sorry that you find yourself in a situation that requires you to use this site but you have come to the right place for advice, help and support.
Time to get everything that happened from first contact to last down on paper, for your own records NOT to be given to anyone yet.
Someone will be along soon to advise on the next steps.

Chin up, stay strong.

[Lostandconfused]

Hi, thanks for the reply.
I have written down everything in as much detail as I can, as well as saved messages and locked it all away (including questions/issues) that I have with her story but it is everything I said during interview.. just the waiting gme now.

Thanks again.

[myhome]

Hi LaC and welcome to the forum but sorry you had to find us.

The police are going to want your phone at some stage - probably fairly soon along with your laptop and any other IT device you may own. They're looking for evidence to convict you - not to prove you innocent - that's not what they're paid for! If you have all those texts - is there anyway you can save them to another phone or device (whilst still proving they're from her) so that when plod "lose" or "break" the phone or "accidentally delete" the messages you still have a copy of them? Anything on Facebook/twitter etc? take screenshots and back them up somewhere else along with any other evidence that you will need so that plod can't lose that as well when they take your laptop? Be prepared to be without anything they take for several months... Oh - and don't say anything to them without a solicitor present and don't tell them more than they ask you - they are not your friends though they may make out they are....

sadly this is a long long process usually (someone was arrested 3 years ago and still hasn't been charged; someone else went 18 months from arrest to not guilty; though someone else got NFA is 6 weeks!)
The emotional turmoil is unbelievably difficult but quite "normal" so onn here you can ask for any help and advice and support you need and there's always someone who will be able to help you...
Keep strong
MH

[Lostandconfused]

Hi myhome,

They took the phone off me straight away (smart phone), did not take my laptop. I tend to delete a lot of messages after a while but do have screenshots of some of the conversations on Facebook, however a lot of them were also deleted (of the ones saved, she says in one that she wants to get me naked). As the police can access these I assume that they will have to try and recover the deleted messages?

I had a solicitor present and he said to me himself he thinks that there are too many holes in her story and even the police said they have their doubts but am obviously still thinking the worst. He also informed me that the investigation will take a while as they are going through all the relevant messages as there are a lot of them.

I can't believe how long it can take, going through this (week 12 now) I can only feel for those where it is taking months and even years.
I understand how difficult these things can be but sometimes wonder why the Police/CPS can't see it's an obvious lie!!

Still in hope!!

[is there justice?]

This is totally bizarre. It's so wrong, when there obviously appear to be so many anomalies in her story in her own words, that it's ok to let you suffer the mental anguish for so long instead of just dropping the whole thing. My son, 18, is now very scared of even dating a girl, because of what we are going through as a family. He thinks it's just not worth the risk.
I hope these accusations are dismissed quickly.

[Lostandconfused]

Thanks.. I understand exactly what your son feels.. I can't even begin to think of any sort of relationship now as the psycholigical effect this all has is terrible. Lack of trust, paranoia, all negative impacts and anguish because of one persons lies.

[myhome]

I can't even begin to think of any sort of relationship now as the psycholigical effect this all has is terrible. Lack of trust, paranoia, all negative impacts and anguish because of one persons lies.

Hi LaC -This whole process is very new and very raw right now - the first few weeks are the worst - very many horrendous emotions and disbelief and as you say the effect on the mind (and resulting physical effects) are completely overwhelming. It's really understandable why you can't foresee yourself in another relationship right now - but that's not to say that'll be the case when this is all over - or even part way through.....
Your last 5 words are very wise - and I guess all of us on here who are still going through the process need to remember that - it is one ( but sometimes a couple) person's lies - it is not everybody in your current life or in your future life.....
Hugs MH

[Lostandconfused]

The only thing we have to hope is that the police etc can see through those lies..

Fingers crossed and prayers are going out to whoever finds themself in these situations

[Boys don't cry]

Lostandconfused.

I wouldn't expect too much for the police to see through lies if they can get someone convicted.

Just trust yourself at the moment (and us),try to get as many evidence as you can as Myhome wisely suggested you to.

You will be in a roller-coaster and it is true that the beginning is the worse.

Keep confident, be your own detective to find clues and the reasons why she would falsely accused you.

[Lostandconfused]

I have put together a timeline of events, questions/concerns I have over her story etc but her statement is so bizarre and out there I don't know what to think. In my head it is so screwed up and unbelievable that I cannot understand why the authorities cannot also see it and NFA it rather than drag it out but as has already been said, these things can go on and on and on, I guess it's down to when they feel like doing it?

It has gone through my head why she would say such things and it's a regret/revenge thing I think.. I'm sure she heard me on the phone saying I wanted her to leave as I didn't see anything happening between us. It has even crossed my mind that she set me up for her own reasons and it could have been done by her to anyone.

[myhome]

Disbelief rates very highly in the emotions we are all going through - WE know they're lies but plod has to investigate - but they don't make the final decision...and they'd rather you were guilty anyway - makes their figures and targets look good!!!!!!

NFA doesn't get you off the hook sadly. All that means is that, at present, they don't think there's enough "evidence" to get a prosecution - CPS has to be 51% certain of a conviction if they are going to charge. So NFA means they aren't certain enough right now , so they put the case on hibernate for ever UNLESS some more "evidence" i.e. more lies come from somewhere; when that happens they reopen the case and it starts all over again - so NFA is simply a life sentence - not in prison - but for ever wondering if/when it'll all kick off again. "Evidence" amounts to she said you did, you said you didn't!!!

No Crime - that gets you off the hook - it means there's no evidence to show a crime was committed and they close the case.

If neither of these things happen then you will most likely be charged and start the lengthy process of going to a trial. If you are found Not Guilty, that doesn't mean - in the eyes of the law - that you're innocent - it just means that you haven't been convicted. The only way that you're seen as innocent - in the eyes of the law - is if the judge says words to the effect, "You leave this court as you walked in - a free man/woman."

British justice is great isn't it??? Oh - and I forgot to say, that if you don't qualify for legal aid or you decide to get a decent specialist team to defend you and you pay privately, you have to fork out upwards of £40,000++++ to prove you didn't do something you didn't do, and YOU CAN'T GET THAT BACK from anywhere - if you were charged after October 2012 - (because our very unwonderful government changed the law last October) and the FA doesn't have to pay anything

Maybe this should have gone in the Rants forum!!!!!!!!!!