Accused of raping my daughter

[just married]

Good to hear from you BN. Glad you're surviving ok. In my thoughts as always.

[Bluenikky68]

Hey all

Just realised that by only updating the other forum, nobody on here is getting any 'benefit' from what I'm going through right now. I'll try to bear that in mind from now on, although detail here will be a bit less I guess.

"Grrrr, more waiting and worrying! Just got letter from sol to tell me bail date now put back from end of April to end of May, as forensics alledgely not received back.

On a positive note, just finished a 6 hour Stress and Mood Management group session that was the first step through the counselling service I was referred to by the doctor. I may not have learnt much new today, but it was a good reminder that I know the coping strategies ... if I would use them when I need them!!!

An interesting new idea though was to set aside time for worrying. As I can't currently do anything about what's causing the worry, set myself a half hour period (or however long) each day/ week (or whatever) when I allow myself to worry about it all and the rest of the time just tell myself not to worry until it's time for that slot. Intriguing idea that I shall have a go with."

Hope all doing OK and that you have a relaxing, peaceful and happy weekend

BN x

[lonley place]

An interesting new idea though was to set aside time for worrying. As I can't currently do anything about what's causing the worry, set myself a half hour period (or however long) each day/ week (or whatever) when I allow myself to worry about it all and the rest of the time just tell myself not to worry until it's time for that slot. Intriguing idea that I shall have a go with.

This sounds like a pretty good idea and I shall be trying that myself !! Thanks for sharing LP

[whatsgoingon?]

That is a good idea! The reverse of what we automatically do! Good to have an update - you sound very positive

[Bluenikky68]

FML! Why do I keep lying to myself and everyone that I'm coping with this nightmare? Truth is I'm falling apart and miss my daughter so much and not coping at all with the waiting to be cleared of all of this. I wish the police would just end everything one way or the other; I know nothing is true, but having this hanging over me is killing me again at the moment. Yeah, I have OK days, but even they are bad compared to what I used to consider an OK day. It's Easter and I've not been able to give her eggs or even a card and i don't know what she is thinking about that either. I even went to a church service this morning, which for me is desparation. I just want this all over, though can't see any light once it is anyway.

Sorry such a negative post, but I'm hurting. Sorry to MH for the late text too. Sorry, sorry, sorry for everthing, but I've done no wrong.

[lonley place]

Hey you don't need to apologise we have all been there Its truly awful not to see children and harder
When its holidays.Christmas was sheer hell for us and there was no pressie for our g.daughter for the first time ever
We got through it ......its hard but you can get through. Here's a I knows its nothing but we are here for you.LP

[Boys don't cry]

Bluenikky.

You don't need to apologize and as LP wrote we've been through this nightmare and you will be the next one.
Family days become lonely days and ok days: coping days.
So you will fight for the truth and both your daughter and yourself will be proud and reunited in the future.
Take care.

[myhome]

Hi BN - really really REALLY no need to apologise for anything - no-one can be expected to be positive all the time - or even some of the time!! You're in a truly awful situation. Don't beat yourself up - just take one day - or even one half day - at a time. Allow yourself the dark times - they come and go and seek support from everyone around you and on here and the other one.......
PS - no worries about the late text - phone was on silent - but it wouldn't have mattered if it hadn't been.....

[Bluenikky68]

Thanks guys. Made it through work today, though even my manager told me I looked like I should be at home. C'est merde, mais c'est la vie for now! BN x

[myhome]

Good news BN -

[Bluenikky68]

Hi all! Just a quick update on my mental state .... not tooooo bad at the moment! Nothings changed, but I'm just trying to tell myself to stay in the 'here and now' each time the bad stuff comes into my head (still very often). Sleep pattern still awful except when I treat myself to a sleeping tablet at weekend and though very tired, I can't seem to go to bed early any more, so during the week by the time I realise I'm not going to sleep, it's too late to take a tablet, lol.

Kind of OK for now though, so at least I'm getting some semblance of 'peace' in case (until?!) I get floored by it all again. Best wishes, love n hugs to you all, BN x

p.s. - Think my grammar has gone to pot in the above, but just can't be ar$3d to try and put it right

[Bluenikky68]

Copied from my own post in another forum, but I hope that this may help anybody in a similar position that may not yet have the courage or the need to seek support or to vocalise what they are going through right now:


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hey dear friends, thought I ought to jump on and add an update .... nothing has changed, lol smiley: ohwell I have been watching the forum though, but felt that others have more experience and knowledge to advise than I do at present.

I've had though the best part of a month being relatively whole and at peace (rather than holed and in pieces smiley: wink)! I managed, with a struggle, to get my brain to think only of the 'here and now' whenever I started thinking about what is going on. Despite my doubts it became the norm and rather than having "the serenity to accept what I cannot change" I reached the serenity to not dwell on what I cannot change for now. It's been a 'nice' break in the turmoil and stress of the past 3 months.

Woke this morning just after 4am precisely 3 months since the police rang my bell and arrested me; seems like yesterday that I buzzed them in laughing and asking what my ex had claimed this time. "Please sit down, Mr X .... I'm arresting you for the rape of .." [more laughter and "I wouldn't touch her with a bargepole"] ".....your daughter, Y". [End of laughter]. Nightmare than began for real.

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For anybody reading this for the first time, that can't face reading the whole thread:

Eventually bailed for return 8 weeks later, as not fit to interview without an AA, once I'd been told of details by duty sol. Bail date brought forward by 5/6 weeks to interview me. Arrested again on arrival for 2x 'slightly less horrendous' FAs (please believe me that each and every allegation is vile and untrue). Horrific interview experience having to state "no comment", instead of defending myself and pointing out all the errors and the reasons for this FA. Rebailed for approx 8 weeks. 4 weeks later, received letter from sol stating bail put back by approx 4 weeks, as forensics not received back Now have 21 days of praying that the police will realise how they are being used and I'm worrying that they won't realise at all.
================================================== ==============

Today, not great as seems my sub-conscious has realised the 3 month so far and the 3 week wait .... can't do anything though, so concentrating on 'ignoring' (except I'm concentrating on it all while I type here!!).

Have read some great books whilst 'making life bearable'; Various (again) by Paolo Coelho (have always loved and enjoyed anyway); "Shibumi" and also "Satori" by Trevanian/ Winslow; "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Millman (highly recommended and I must read his others in this series); "Breaking the Shackles" by Phillip Wilson (sorry, but I'm a sailor at heart). They've all helped in some way for me and just maybe they or similar books will help you too.

I'll update my circumstances as they change (if I can!), but in the meantime I wish all of my friends, fellow forum support and fellow ('don't let us be') victims all best wishes, hope and lightness until our sh*t is over with and we can move on in a positive way.

Best wishes and hugs everybody
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

x

[Don'tbelieveit!]

Hi BLuenikky

After the hell of what we have been going through, I have actually managed somehow to come to exactly the same state as you - here and now, getting things done. Of course, the "hell" doesn't leave your thoughts but I have managed to put it on hold to an extent that I am able to even do more than merely "function". Admittedly, it took a while but I got there and am proud of it. I feel stronger than ever, able to support my husband during this awful time.

[Bluenikky68]

Hi DBI

I only know my current experience in the 'accused' position; I KNOW that I am innocent, as you do for your partner, but we both know at this point that that doesn't help us! As you have said too, the 'here and now' "thing" seems to help us. It's worked for me ..... not 100% of the time, but enough to help keep me alive.

I wish you all that I can for now, BN xxx

[Don'tbelieveit!]

Chin up, hold your head up high. I can't offer more than that but hope it helps!