Husband falsely accused

[exhausted]

I have been reading the posts on here for a long time and apologise that I have taken comfort and advice from the forum without contributing. I can only thank those people who have unknowingly given me support. I am sure there are many more people like me, behind the scenes, reading the threads who are similarly grateful.

My husband had a drunken one night stand and a few days later received a call from the police. There is no accusation of violence and she admits that she didn't say 'no' or 'stop' but she says that she was very drunk, can't remember it all and doesn't believe she consented. He has been charged and we are waiting for trial. We have a good specialist legal team, which we are happy with, and have followed the advice on here, writing everything down, getting all the evidence that we can etc.

It goes without saying that it is a false allegation and that he would never have sex with a woman that was too drunk. Amy Winehouse's ex described how the investigation into him took on a life of its own. I have also felt as if we have been on a conveyor belt, with the police, cps and courts all doing their little bit of bureaucracy without anyone ever stopping to consider if the impact on him is proportionate to what actually happened (even on her account).... and that is even without the possible 5+ years sentence he might get. I hope you will not read this as me undermining the impact of rape. I do not want to go into details, for obvious reasons, but there are a number of discrepancies in her account, which suggests that even she is not 100% certain that it was rape. It is madness that he was charged.

Before I experienced this process first hand I would never have appreciated just how devastating an allegation of rape is. I feel that it is made worst by the fact that he didn't do it, it makes it all the more unfair that we are left in limbo just waiting, with the 'no smoke without fire' hanging over us. The feeling of powerlessness is overwhelming. Of course it hurt that he cheated on me, but he has been more than punished for it.

Some days I am confident and practical, others days I am a mess and let a fear fester in my stomach that he will be found guilty of something that I know he did not do - how do we survive that without going crazy? I know the answer is, a day at a time, like we have been surviving so far, but it is no way to live. I wish for the trial to come so the weight can be lifted but there is the risk that it will just be the start of the misery. I wish it was all over and behind us.

Sorry for venting, it is not a topic I feel I can easily discuss, but it has helped me getting it off my chest.

[Saffron]

Hello Exhausted and welcome.
I'm glad to hear that you have already taken some of the advice here.
Your story is redolent of mine - hubby finds himself in the path of temptation and succumbs to consensual sexual contact with another woman, who then files a complaint. My Hubby's FA was egged on by her friends - "You have to put him behind bars/what if he does this to someone else/what if he has already done this to someone else etc etc"
Do you know the woman concerned? Can you think of a motive for her making the allegation? From what you say, she sounds as though she isn't certain that she was raped, but the wheels of "justice" have started turning and there is little she can do to stop it, short of admitting to having lied, which would in turn leave her vulnerable to prosecution. She has painted herself into a corner.

Your mood swings are completely normal. Have you been to see your GP? I did and he was extremely sympathetic - referred me to a counsellor and prescribed sleeping tablets. Everything looks better after a decent night's sleep.
(Unfortunately hubby was suicidal, so I had to hide the sleeping pills and then couldn't remember where I had hidden them. Had to go back to the doc to get more. We moved house recently and I found them behind the hot water tank in the airing cupboard. What was I thinking?)
When is the trial scheduled for? Has your sol appointed a barrister yet?

How is your hubby bearing up? Is he still working? Work can be a great help at times like this - takes your mind off things and gives you something else to focus on. Likewise yourself - do you have anything to distract you?

You have taken every practical step I can suggest. Do you have anyone to support you - family, friends and such like? Being the "strong" one is immensely exhausting. Everyone focusses on the person who has been FAd and sometimes they forget about those in the background. Make sure you look after yourself as well as your husband.

You have my sincerest admiration and my deepest empathy. I remember friends asking me "how can you stay with Mr Saffron, knowing that he has been with someone else?" The simple answer was that it is not their right to judge him for infidelity. I alone had that right, no-one else. And he was already being punished beyond belief. We lost a few people who we had counted as good friends. We also gained a few real friends who had previously been acquaintances.

I hope you will be able to keep us updated on the case, and I thank you for having the courage to post.

[Angry and frightened]

What a good post Saffron!
Exhausted, I know exactly what you are going through, all the waiting around, just wanting to get it over with, KNOWING your husband is innocent and just wanting everything to get back to normal.
Unfortunately, it goes on, seemingly, for ever! You cannot believe that the police and CPS cannot see the truth of the matter, when everybody around you can. Take Saffrons good advice and I am sure it will all work out for you both in the end. Me and my husband are closer now than ever (not in proximity) but in mind. One good thing to come out of this, I suppose! Just keep coming back here for help and support. x

[myhome]

Great and heartfelt post Saffron

Hi exhausted and welcome to the forum - but sorry you had to find us...You've already taken loads of advice and support from here - keep on doing that and as you have already seen - everyone helps everyone. You and Saffron are right - it is exhausting and it is a terrible and devastating experience - I call it, "My living hell...." There's good days, bad days and really sh**e days. My CPN suggested that I record the days I feel good, by writing, "I feel positive to-day." or "I feel strong and will come through this to-day." Then on the realy bad days when you feel there is no hope and the struggle just isn't worth it, you can get out your notes, written in YOUR handwriting that will remind you that you do have good and positive days.... keep strong....

[just married]

Before I experienced this process first hand I would never have appreciated just how devastating an allegation of rape is..

Hello exhausted, welcome to the forum, and sorry to hear of the circumstances that have led you here.
Reading through your very thorough description earlier today, it does, as you say, sound like madness that he has been charged....

Be as strong as you can....as Saffron says, your community, and your position in it, become very relevant in this situation. I hope you have those who can look after you too. Until my own ordeal was over, I didn't realize how blessed I was with people who genuinely cared for me. Your support and that of his closest confidantes will be everything to him.....

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and intelligent post. I wish for you all the help, faith, hope, and everything good for your road ahead....

[exhausted]

Thanks for your kind messages

Thanks for your kind messages. While I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy it is good to know that there are people who understand. The ups and downs are so hard to deal with. I am having a better day today.

Hubby has dealt with it as well as he can. He still works but it has affected his job. He has a good relationship with his boss and while they don't know about this, they know something is wrong with him but they have been supportive. We are lucky about that. Work, for both of us, has helped to keep some normalcy. I'm determined this won't ruin our lives. See I told you I'm having a positive day today.

I don't know the woman. She told her friend about the sex and her friend took it upon herself to call the police. The police then spoke to the woman and it creaked along slowly and he was eventually charged. I don't think left to her own devices she would have called the police but once her friend had, she was in a position where she couldn't say outright that she had exaggerated/lied and so had to repeat to the police what she told her friend. It just snowballed. Obviously these points and others, which are too specific for me to include, will be useful at trial, but it's horrible that we have to go through this very lengthy process at all.

One positive aspect of this mess is that, of the few people that know, I realise that I have some really genuine friends. They have recognised that if I want to talk about the cheating aspect I will bring it up myself. They don't try to force that conversation on me. They know my husband and so know it is completely out of character for him to have cheated on me. I think the best thing they do is listen without any judgment, which I am so grateful for. I don't want to be dramatic but without them, and this forum, I am not sure what state I would be in now.

[just married]

exhausted, the mood swings are normal. Seven months and three weeks after my NFA I still swing from high back down to very low. Most here will have experienced this. You're not alone.
As you so elegantly said, until one gets involved in this, no one could know how horrible the situation becomes.

If he carefully chooses whom he confides in, this can give you an element of control which can be very empowering, when it seems all control is taken from you.
I confided, throughout my (very brief) six week investigation, ending in NFA, in only five close friends, each sworn to not even discuss with each other. They kept me sane, and there was no need necessarily for the world to know about the allegation at that time. I think the very normal paranoia, trying to second guess who would think what, can be either good, or bad. One's mind will naturally explore the extremes of any situation where one has limited control of the outcome.

I have a dream whereby false accusers skip back into the police station to explain why they lied, but I think my dream is a long way from becoming reality.

I do hope you're keeping in touch with GP. I was pleasantly surprised to find quite how sympathetic mine was to my circumstances, and referred me immediately for counselling.... also, very helpful. It was a long wait to begin my course, but well worth it. Always worth keeping as many records as possible to monitor how you're feeling, and the NHS can help with this burden.

[Faith]

Oh the good old interfering friend. How bloody frustrating. The accuser herself probably only confirmed this to save face and, as you rightly say, things have snowballed.

IF this gets all the way to trial, then I can't imagine she would make a hugely credible witness, given that she can't even decide herself if she considers that she was raped.

I respect you enormously and agree with both you and Saffron...only you, as his wife, have the right to punish or judge him for his mistake. Marriage is a massive thing and, as unconventional as it sounds, it represents a bond strong enough to weather any kind of storm.

Your husband will be beyond sorry. And, he has paid for his mistake three times over. Good for you for standing by him and not letting your pain at his infidelity cloud your judgement. You know this man and you know he is innocent.

I would like to echo Just Married by suggesting you get support from your GP. You must feel like you have to be the strong one for your husband but you are hurting just as much and need just as much support. Hang in there. These things DO turn out okay in the majority of cases.

[Saffron]

Good days and bad days...Yes, I know where you are coming from.
I think Myhome's advice earlier in this thread is excellent. Write about the good days and look back on what you have written when you have a dark day.
No-one expects you to be positive all the time. In fact I'd think you were crazy if you were positive all the time!
I'm glad you have some friends to support you. We told no-one until Hubby's trial was a month off. We were certain that it was so ridiculous it would be binned at any moment. We were fortunate that when we did tell people, most of them rallied around us. (After the initial shock, of course.) The ones who cut us off were not worth our tears. The ones who stepped up were (and still are) our saviours. That includes this forum by the way!
Hang in there. We are all here for you.