Army Officer I hope someone can give me some advice please,

[Saffron]

Thanks L1. Great post

[myhome]

Hi Z - I am so so sorry to read this, but as the others say, you are now in a safe place where people will take care of you and will help you back to full mental health and strength again - although right now this probably doesn't seem possible to you. It is though and it will take time. It is my belief that when you have reached your lowest point, you can then start the healing process and you are unlikely to get that low again. When I was first FA I actually said to my CPN that I did want to feel worse. She asked why; to which I replied, "Then I know I've reached the bottom and I know I won't feel any worse and I can then start going up."
Please try not to view this as your life being over, even though it may seem like that now. There is a way back and you need to use everyone who is supporting you to help you to find it. You are not the worst thing in society - far from it and you need to try to believe that....
And another "please...." Please keep posting on here so that we can keep supporting you and soo that we know you are still fighting..... BIG HUGS

[Saffron]

Thanks myhome. Great post. I am sure member Zaphodski can take great comfort from it.

[lawlessone2009]

Hi Z - I am so so sorry to read this, but as the others say, you are now in a safe place where people will take care of you and will help you back to full mental health and strength again - although right now this probably doesn't seem possible to you. It is though and it will take time. It is my belief that when you have reached your lowest point, you can then start the healing process and you are unlikely to get that low again. When I was first FA I actually said to my CPN that I did want to feel worse. She asked why; to which I replied, "Then I know I've reached the bottom and I know I won't feel any worse and I can then start going up."
Please try not to view this as your life being over, even though it may seem like that now. There is a way back and you need to use everyone who is supporting you to help you to find it. You are not the worst thing in society - far from it and you need to try to believe that....
And another "please...." Please keep posting on here so that we can keep supporting you and soo that we know you are still fighting..... BIG HUGS

Just to continue that....

Life never ends but instead evolves.

Hope you're doing better now.

[myhome]

Thanks myhome. Great post. I am sure member Zaphodski can take great comfort from it.

Thank you -

[IvorBinWronged]

You're making all the right moves!

Today I have absolutely no-one.

Now you have us...
And the people at the secure unit.

All of whom will get to see you rise over the coming months.

Albeit veiled, these are smart moves.

Forget the outside for a while. Take the medicine, read a few books.

Post back whether you can post at will or do they give you your phone under supervision?

[zaphodski]

I'm still here. I've been given so many pils I fell like a rattle. People here are kind but only give me phone for 1 hour. Met my solicitor and probation officer earlier. They are both fuming about how police have handled this. Solicitor thinks its a case of malicious revenge because the harassment was thrown out. Thinks the accuser if it is the same one, is being very stupid by now saying I'd sexually assaulted her after she'd spent six months saying I was a perfect step dad who'd never done a thing to them.

My mind is in turmoil at the moment please bear with me your support is very much appreciated.
Sorry cant write more my hands shaking and eyes bit blurry

[Faith]

I haven't replied until now because so far the support offered by members has been fantastic and nothing can really be added.

All I will say in this post is to hang in there and do not let yourself be ground down.
It may not feel like it, but the power of how you feel is, and always will be, in your hands.

I am glad you are safe. Safety is the foundation of what you need to build on. Safety first, then gradually you can start building up to clearing yourself of this ordeal. Small steps.

[bookworm123]

Three years ago I was suffering from a rare and complex condition caled pancreatic insulinoma. This condition is so rare it effects less than 4 people per million and only two or three cases have been reported in UK for a number of years. One of the most debilitating side effects of this condition is a complete and devestating change in the sufferers personality, behaviour and perceptions. I was a serving british army officer stationed in Baghdad when my illness started to manifest itself. I would become confused, extremely forgetful, anxious and freightened. Later the symptoms would disappear. On returning from Baghdad these bouts of depresion, unusual and strange behaviour became more and more regular, often resulting in me starting fights with complete strangers, being extremely aggressive and an insatiable desire for excitement or an adrenalin rush. I started doing really stupid things like deliberately lying on the passenger seat of my car whilst travelling at 70mph and counting to 10 or 20 or even 30. I could not understand why I was getting such a thrill from doing something so bloody stupid. I then started to watch on line videos of beheadings, mutilations and extreme violence. This behaviour was becomming so common I was doing it up to 20 times a day. My confusional state was becoming more and more pronounced. I was stopped from driving company vehicles because of my erratic behaviour and would often cry scream and bang my head against a wall as the pain gave me relief from the anguish I was feeling. I started to watch extreme pornography and eventual child abuse. This was carried out not in secret but in the living room of my home where my partner and children were present. The rush of being "seen" by them was such an overwhelming rush, I'd deliberately see how far I could go without them actually observing what I was looking at. There was no sexual gratification just the "fear" of being caught. I would immediately delete anything i'd viewed afterwards.
After much medical investigation and head scratching i was diagnosed with pncreatic insulinoma. Whilst awaiting an operation my viewing of illegal pornography was found out by the police. I was duly arrested and convicted (I was guilty, I said so immediately). I was given a two year suspended sentence and placed on the sexual offenders list. I also attended the ISOTP programme. Naturally my whole life went down the drain. I lost my home, my job, my friends, everything. The crux of the matter however is this, At the time of my arrest my step children were taken away and underwent a huge amount of questioning by social services and police child protection officers. This went on for almost 6 months. They were asked time and time again whether I had physically or sexually interfered with them, I had not and they also said I had not. Three years later,(just before Christmas) I was arrested by the police for harassment of my step daughter, she had complained that I'd driven past her. (Once in three years. I never stopped, slowed down, made eye contact or anything). I was due to go to court on 26 feb 2013. Yesterday I received a letter from my solicitor stating the case had been discontinued due to lack of evidence. Not 24 hours later the police turned up at my door to inform me that an accusation of sexual assault had now been made against me, though wouldn't say who by. My soliciter presumes it will be as a result of the harassment allegation made by my ex step daughter being thrown out.
I am now in a terrible state as I've managed to start a new life, get a new job and am desperately trying to move on. This allegation although totally malicious, will destroy me.

Oh, my operation was a success though I no longer posess a spleen nor a pancreas.

Any advice, support or comments would be really helpful. How can someone make such allegations against me three years after stating I'd never done anything except be a good step-dad.

hi read your post through a couple of times and though you have made mistakes that is now in the past and you need to have faith in yourself. your only human and there are so many good things you have achieved . an allegation may go nowhere , if the police didnt charge you before because they had no evidence clearly they have none now or you would have been arrested . if the worst does happen there is lots of support on here , stay strong x

[Angry and frightened]

Excellent answers.
Just stay strong, Z, you have a great hill to climb, like many on here, but you are no longer alone, you have understanding friends on here. Will keep praying for you and hoping for the best x

[zaphodski]

Well I'm still here. Still no contact from the cops and my solicitor has been unable to find out anything at all ! Not only has this got me confused but also a bit perplexed. The people here in hospital have been great, they have me on a number of drugs and my mental stability, although fragile, is much better than it was a week ago. I'm at a loss as how this is going to pan out, or exactly what's going on. I'll keep you informed.

[myhome]

YAY - great to hear from you - have been wondering how you're doing and glad that you're sounding a bit more positive in yourself - hopefully you're making the first small but very important steps back towards your new future (or should that be "on towards.....").
Maybe no news from the police is good news? Really hope so. keep stong and keep in touch

[IvorBinWronged]

You're doing fine.

Well I'm still here. Still no contact from the cops and my solicitor has been unable to find out anything at all ! Not only has this got me confused but also a bit perplexed. The people here in hospital have been great, they have me on a number of drugs and my mental stability, although fragile, is much better than it was a week ago. I'm at a loss as how this is going to pan out, or exactly what's going on. I'll keep you informed.

Great meds and secure beds.

Stick to the plan buddy and you'll do fine.