my life turned upside down

[jonathan]

some 8 weeks ago a woman i met on a dating site and had been chatting with for a while invited me to hers for a coffee, i was at a loose end so went around, we got on well and ended up in bed , two concenting adults, 2 days later she sent me a text saying burn my number and never contact me again. 4 weeks later she went to the police and made an allegation of rape against me. 2 weeks further on i get a call from the police to go to the police station the next day , i was arrested and had to make a statement, then they read me her one, all lies , she said that i had dragged her to the bedroom and forced her to have sex , i was given bail and told to carry on as normal. i am a support worker in a mental hospital so declared my situation , i was called into work and given 2 choices , to resign which i declined as i love my job , have rent to pay , also i have done nothing wrong, so they are calling me in next wek for a disciplinary hearing to get rid of me, they said at least i will be able to get benefit, also they said i could re apply for my job when everything is sorted , i thanked them for their support , well this is week one , can i feel any worse

[myhome]

Hi Jonathon
welcome to the site - but sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I have only been here 4-ish weeks and have found it a godsend in so many different ways - the support and advice is fantastic..
With regard to

can I feel any worse?

all I can say is that if you're like most of us on here, you will probably feel great swings of emotion - sometimes very desperate, sometimes very confident that things will work out right, and experience some emotions and feelings you never knew existed. As someone said to me when I first joined, "This is quite normal!!!!" which hopefully will be a comfort to know you're not the only one... Everyone here will support you, so my advice would be to use the forums, ask questions and read other people's threads too as there's a wealth of information and advice in them.... You may want to visit your GP for support/counselling etc

Be strong - easy to say - not easy to do...

[jonathan]

to myhome

thankyou for the welcome , i have booked in for counseling , got to wait 2 weeks as they are busy , doctor would only give me 7 sleeping pills , i have managed without them, i think the problem for me has been that i have no control over what i am doing , the job loss is a snowball effect , when this is all over i will do all i can to help change the law, i like many others was made to feel like a criminal and put in a cell with no charge , i have felt numb for a week , i would rather have been charged for then you can get help and defend yourself , i wont be able to get my job back so have to have another career change , i will join in with all the posts on here and thankyou very much

[myhome]

i think the problem for me has been that i have no control over what i am doing , the job loss is a snowball effect , when this is all over i will do all i can to help change the law, i like many others was made to feel like a criminal and put in a cell with no charge , i have felt numb for a week , i would rather have been charged for then you can get help and defend yourself , i wont be able to get my job back so have to have another career change , i will join in with all the posts on here and thankyou very much

This is all very new to you, Jonathon, as it was to all on here when it first happened. Believe me when I say the first weeks are the worst - for me they are now a blur that I can barely remember...
The job loss is an added "punishment" which is grossly unfair. However, as you work in the Mental Health area - as do I - you know that you have many "transferrable skills" which you will be able to use when this is all over. You are obviously a "people person" and have skills which are needed in many different aspects of working with vulnerable adults or youngsters; but you did say that your employers have said you can reapply for your job when all this is over..so don't write them off just yet.
Even though you have not been charged, there are still things you can do to help to prepare for defending yourself. When you can bring yourself to do it, write down absolutely every detail that you can remember about that evening because this is what you solicitor will need if this should go to trial. As for getting help - it's all here on this site - you can learn so much about a subject you probably never knew existed and also come to realise that FA's are very much more common than you ever thought possible....

[barney]

Hi and welcome - Do not beleive in the Police or the CPS as they are not intersted in the truth. Gather any evidence you can and give it to your solicitor, never ever fall the rubbish you are about to witness from the Officer in Charge who will appear to be soooo nice and helpfull, they lie, they will try and trick you.

Gather your strenght and use it to fight. Do not allow her to win by falling apart.

I found Hate and anger a powerfull ally.

The support you will find on this site will be invaluable.

Take care Buddy.

[jonathan]

great advice

thankyou for all the good advice , i have written down everything, i also keep a daily diary now , reflecting my thoughts and feelings , once this is over i hope it might help others , you will see me on here a lot now

[Canuk]

Hi Jonathan, If you wish to read my story, I think you can just click my name and it will take you there



I know this ordeal is very scary in the beginning but it does get better. You are doing the right thing by coming here to get advice and sharing your story. Many of us have been through the same nightmare as you and It really helps knowing that you are not alone. With me I felt it very hard to tell anyone in my life about what was going on because I was worried about what they would think of me. One of the first big feelings I had to come to terms with was, In most cases You are innocent until proven guilty but with this type of charge it is the opposite, It's more like guilty until you can prove you are innocent. I found this part to be very difficult for me to deal with.



When I found this site it was a blessing because it was my very first step in the right direction.





.

[jonathan]

thank you canuk

every bit of advice helps

[Saffron]

Excellent advice already given. Great to see some dormant members back too!
Joanthan, I can't add anything of real value, but I wanted to say Welcome

[jonathan]

thankyou

Excellent advice already given. Great to see some dormant members back too!
Joanthan, I can't add anything of real value, but I wanted to say Welcome

thankyou saffron , and all of you that have helped , i see things a lot clearer , also i now see things for what they are , already i have all the answers to the allegations , it is now all about perception of the events , i hope with my experience to help others

[just married]

Jonathan, welcome to the forum, and sorry to hear about the situation that has led you here.
Rarely mentioned in threads I read is the emotional shellshock of a situation you may have thought would be about love, has transformed in a flash into what seems to be only be defendable by the opposite.

It is a little odd it took her four weeks to decide that she wanted to tell her story. However, the law apparently don't recognise this time lapse as necessarily relevant

You are on a rollercoaster of extreme emotions, some of which you will have undoubtedly not felt before.
There will be good days. As you know, there are already bad days.

This allegation is, I believe, the only situation in law whereby this amount of torment, arrest, dna, photograph, fingerprints and conditional bail, can be visited on one human being by another with absolutely no evidence whatsoever, corroborating or otherwise.

Chin up. Writing down every detail is excellent. Remember to eat, sleep, breathe, excercise. Try to select amongst your friends and family the most appropriate people who can be trusted with this. I found the support of my friends got me through my ordeal. Only 5 of my closest friends knew the full facts, and they were each sworn to not discuss the issue any further, even with each other. My NFA came after my first return to answer bail, but this has, and will continue to change you. You can't not change.

With the prolific abuse of FA, you may be pleasantly surprised by the lack of stigma and sympathetic veiw to your situation by medical professionals. Good luck with the counselling. I found it enormously helpful.

You're not alone. No way.

JM

[jonathan]

thanks to just married

nice to hear from you , thankyou for your kind words , this is very much like a jigsaw without the box, so no picture , so each comment i get is another piece of the puzzle , it gets clearer. i am a patient man but with this there seems to be no time span as to when it will be over , a false allegation was made against me, i dont get to defend myself unless charged . but at work they are looking to dissmiss me. it is not a work related incident. i have to go in on wednesday for a disciplinary hearing with a view to getting rid of me.they have given me no support, i am a support worker in a mental hospital, been there 9 months.this just adds to my problems , so will have to find a job asap , it will be a low paid one as not much out there . i need to stay focused and then when this is sorted try to rebuild , thanks for the constructive comments x jonathan

[just married]

I'm so sorry about your job. I'm sorry I have no knowlege of legislation in this area, but it doesn't compute that you can have your contract(?) and income terminated because of an allegation.
Other members will have more experience in this particular area. I suppose the police contacted your work?
I'll be very interested to hear how it goes. I suppose unless you're actually employed by the NHS or similar then you don't have a union.

Please stay strong, and maintain the truth.

I really don't understand how this can be allowed to continue

[lawlessone2009]

Do not under any circumstances attend that meeting on your own.

I would also ensure that the meeting is properly documented. It could be worth your while contacting your employer, raising your concerns and ask that how they are keeping formal details of the discussions that are to take place on Wednesday.

Take it DEADLY serious. They are playing with your future and sacking you on a whim is a major no no that you cannot allow to happen. Surely they can attempt to find you alternate employment within the company until such times as your current situation changes?

An allegation, be it false or not, is simply an allegation. Employers cannot take a chance these days so obviously they are looking to remove the risk but there is a difference between removing risks and removing employment. It would be worth your while to seek clarity on whether your employer has dealt with similar situations before.

If you are a union member then I would insist on taking in a representative, a proper one! Countless times the company unionist has sat in meetings dealing with issues they don't have a clue about... Your union, if you have one, should be willing to provide a legally qualified employment specialist. If you don't have a union then I am not entirely certain what you can do bar take someone in that knows at least something about employment law or at the least 'someone' whom you trust and is good at listening/analysing.


http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/englan...em_at_work.htm


Above is a very basic link and merely for info. There are some on here that can provide a more indepth amount of info tailored to your situation. You need to lodge a 'grievance' for want of a better word in order to then raise a claim for constructive unfair dismissal. The law in this area is subject to change and I am not certain if it already has and with you being employed for only 9 months there could be issues HOWEVER an employment law specialist would be able to shed light on this area more clearly and your circumstances are definitely not 'normal'.

Welcome to the forum. Good place to be and no doubt somewhere you will get some of the help you need. The 'rawness' of your situation does die down a little over time....

[just married]

Thanks lawlessone2009.